Addressing military members

kns1988

Does addressing a member of the military a certain way indicate formality of an event? I asked a friend what his formal title is. He told me CPT and said, "I wasn't planning on wearing blues, but I can if you want. I was just going to wear a suit." I said of course a suit is fine; the event itself isn't that formal, I just wanted the formal way to address him.

I think using CPT rather than Mr. is the appropriate way to address someone at that rank regardless of event formality, but I figured I better check so that I'm not indicating that the event is black tie or anything like that. Also, is it offensive if I just use Mr. or Ms./Mrs. for people in the military?

manateehugger

See post below. TK ate my spacing in this one and made it a stupid jumble. 

manateehugger

Yes, if you want to be correct, you use the titles. Do not use the abbreviations, however. Also, I think traditionally, enlisted men and women don't get their title, but I think that's a bit of bullshit. 

If he's married (be mindful of women who don't appreciate the Mrs. Husband full name title though): 

Captain and Mrs. John Smith 

Address 

If he's in a relationship but unmarried: 

Captain John Smith 

Ms. Jane Doe 

Address

But the ultimate rule is address the guest in the manner they prefer. So this probably kind of depends on the guy -some may take their rank very seriously and some may see it as a work deal. We invited a bazillion military people and addressed pretty much all of them as Mr./Ms.(with the exception of a few more senior ranking members). They were friends of H through ROTC/early Army years and don't really care about the rank among themselves unless they're in uniform/at work. H hates getting his rank attached to him in a social setting.

kns1988

Thanks! Are you sure abbreviations aren't okay? When I asked him he said CPT John Smith, so I thought an abbreviation would be okay.

I also have an E6 Staff Sergeant and a 1st LT to address. Any idea how to address those? Sorry, this is all completely foreign to me. 

kns1988

I'm using this website for some guidelines... http://www.military-ranks.org/army/staff-sergeant 

manateehugger

In general, the abbreviations are used in militarys setting only, not social settings. This guy probably rarely ever sees his own rank spelled out. Asked H - he said only on his commission and other random formal stuff. Nonmilitary publications aren't supposed to use the abbreviations. Besides, Captain looks so much prettier than CPT

The 1LT, you just spell it out: First Lieutenant Jane Smith. 

The E6, I would assume you just spell it out the same way - Staff Sergeant and Mrs. John Smith 

This is a pretty traditional source on addressing invitations, but it's helpful. http://blog.crane.com/2012/02/03/wedding-etiquette-how-to-address-your-envelopes/ 

CMGragain

The ONLY abbreviations allowed are Mr., Mrs., and Ms.  All other titles are written out in full.

mysticl

My husband is active duty but prefers to called Mr. socially.  He only goes by Petty Officer at work.  At our wedding, which was on base and he wore his dress blues he had us announced as Mr. and Mrs.  

We had several military members at our wedding and I addressed one envelope by rank. The rest were Mr. at the direction of my husband.  

elizabethk94

I'm a military bride and my FI is also military...so many of our guests are military as well.  There are a number of different guides on how to address the envelopes, but I think as long as you are consistent no one will be offended that you addressed them by their title (for example, one military friend is addressed by title, the other by Mr.)  I addressed everyone (Senior and Junior Officers alike) as "Captain & Mrs. John Smith" or "Lieutenant Commander John Smith & Guest".  I followed the same format for retirees, but I'm sure someone on here would disagree with my decision to do so. 

However, I would be slightly offended if someone addressed my husband with his rank, but ignored mine.  I earned my rank just like he did, so for the military couples, I addressed them as "Lieutenants Smith".  If I remember correctly, I pulled that from the military ettiquette manual. There are a number of sites on the internet that spell out the different ranks.  You FI should know who is who...from there it should be fairly easy to get the titles accurate.  Yes, spell them out completely.

For the uniform question...I would just indicate on your invite the attire you expect your guests to wear.  We actually told military members to wear Dinner Dress Blue (we are having a traditional military wedding with sword arch, chaplain, etc), but my FI wore a suit to my cousin's wedding we went to a couple weeks ago. Some guys love wearing the unform (because they think they are in the movie Top Gun), others welcome a chance to be a little more relaxed.  I would just have your FI tell them that it's their choice to wear the uniform but not required.  I assume you are not having a "military wedding" but rather just inviting a couple of guests who happen to be in the military?

manateehugger

elizabethk94 said:

I'm a military bride and my FI is also military...so many of our guests are military as well.  There are a number of different guides on how to address the envelopes, but I think as long as you are consistent no one will be offended that you addressed them by their title (for example, one military friend is addressed by title, the other by Mr.)  I addressed everyone (Senior and Junior Officers alike) as "Captain & Mrs. John Smith" or "Lieutenant Commander John Smith & Guest".  I followed the same format for retirees, but I'm sure someone on here would disagree with my decision to do so. 

However, I would be slightly offended if someone addressed my husband with his rank, but ignored mine.  I earned my rank just like he did, so for the military couples, I addressed them as "Lieutenants Smith".  If I remember correctly, I pulled that from the military ettiquette manual. There are a number of sites on the internet that spell out the different ranks.  You FI should know who is who...from there it should be fairly easy to get the titles accurate.  Yes, spell them out completely.

For the uniform question...I would just indicate on your invite the attire you expect your guests to wear.  We actually told military members to wear Dinner Dress Blue (we are having a traditional military wedding with sword arch, chaplain, etc), but my FI wore a suit to my cousin's wedding we went to a couple weeks ago. Some guys love wearing the unform (because they think they are in the movie Top Gun), others welcome a chance to be a little more relaxed.  I would just have your FI tell them that it's their choice to wear the uniform but not required.  I assume you are not having a "military wedding" but rather just inviting a couple of guests who happen to be in the military?

Dictating dress is an etiquette faux pas and not appropriate for social events. Dress codes do not belong on invitations unless it is a black tie wedding.  

And H would have been pissed if you told him he had to show up in dress blues to your wedding. 

mysticl

PDKH said:

elizabethk94 said:

I'm a military bride and my FI is also military...so many of our guests are military as well.  There are a number of different guides on how to address the envelopes, but I think as long as you are consistent no one will be offended that you addressed them by their title (for example, one military friend is addressed by title, the other by Mr.)  I addressed everyone (Senior and Junior Officers alike) as "Captain & Mrs. John Smith" or "Lieutenant Commander John Smith & Guest".  I followed the same format for retirees, but I'm sure someone on here would disagree with my decision to do so. 

However, I would be slightly offended if someone addressed my husband with his rank, but ignored mine.  I earned my rank just like he did, so for the military couples, I addressed them as "Lieutenants Smith".  If I remember correctly, I pulled that from the military ettiquette manual. There are a number of sites on the internet that spell out the different ranks.  You FI should know who is who...from there it should be fairly easy to get the titles accurate.  Yes, spell them out completely.

For the uniform question...I would just indicate on your invite the attire you expect your guests to wear.  We actually told military members to wear Dinner Dress Blue (we are having a traditional military wedding with sword arch, chaplain, etc), but my FI wore a suit to my cousin's wedding we went to a couple weeks ago. Some guys love wearing the unform (because they think they are in the movie Top Gun), others welcome a chance to be a little more relaxed.  I would just have your FI tell them that it's their choice to wear the uniform but not required.  I assume you are not having a "military wedding" but rather just inviting a couple of guests who happen to be in the military?

Dictating dress is an etiquette faux pas and not appropriate for social events. Dress codes do not belong on invitations unless it is a black tie wedding.  

And H would have been pissed if you told him he had to show up in dress blues to your wedding. 

We had a military wedding.  Ceremony in the base chapel with a chaplain from DH's ship. Reception at the O Club.  DH and his best man in dress blues.  We did not ask nor expect anyone else to wear their uniform and no one did.  The chaplain didn't even wear his uniform because he preferred to dress like a minister instead of an officer to perform weddings.  

elizabethk94

PDKH said:

elizabethk94 said:

I'm a military bride and my FI is also military...so many of our guests are military as well.  There are a number of different guides on how to address the envelopes, but I think as long as you are consistent no one will be offended that you addressed them by their title (for example, one military friend is addressed by title, the other by Mr.)  I addressed everyone (Senior and Junior Officers alike) as "Captain & Mrs. John Smith" or "Lieutenant Commander John Smith & Guest".  I followed the same format for retirees, but I'm sure someone on here would disagree with my decision to do so. 

However, I would be slightly offended if someone addressed my husband with his rank, but ignored mine.  I earned my rank just like he did, so for the military couples, I addressed them as "Lieutenants Smith".  If I remember correctly, I pulled that from the military ettiquette manual. There are a number of sites on the internet that spell out the different ranks.  You FI should know who is who...from there it should be fairly easy to get the titles accurate.  Yes, spell them out completely.

For the uniform question...I would just indicate on your invite the attire you expect your guests to wear.  We actually told military members to wear Dinner Dress Blue (we are having a traditional military wedding with sword arch, chaplain, etc), but my FI wore a suit to my cousin's wedding we went to a couple weeks ago. Some guys love wearing the unform (because they think they are in the movie Top Gun), others welcome a chance to be a little more relaxed.  I would just have your FI tell them that it's their choice to wear the uniform but not required.  I assume you are not having a "military wedding" but rather just inviting a couple of guests who happen to be in the military?

Dictating dress is an etiquette faux pas and not appropriate for social events. Dress codes do not belong on invitations unless it is a black tie wedding.  

And H would have been pissed if you told him he had to show up in dress blues to your wedding. 

We included the dress code in an enclosure card...personally I hate not knowing what attire is expected so I helped my guests plan ahead.

All groomsmen and a number of the guests (sword arch participants) will be in uniform.  My FI would be embarassed to show up in civilian clothes when most of the other guests (especially people he knows)were in uniform.  My situation is unique, 160 invited and 50 are active duty.

At the end of the day, no one has to do anything they don't want to.  Your husband can wear whatever he wants to a non-command function.  But others are happy to have an excuse to wear their very expensive dress uniform and then go bar hopping after...instant attention grabber. 

mysticl

elizabethk94 said:

PDKH said:

elizabethk94 said:

I'm a military bride and my FI is also military...so many of our guests are military as well.  There are a number of different guides on how to address the envelopes, but I think as long as you are consistent no one will be offended that you addressed them by their title (for example, one military friend is addressed by title, the other by Mr.)  I addressed everyone (Senior and Junior Officers alike) as "Captain & Mrs. John Smith" or "Lieutenant Commander John Smith & Guest".  I followed the same format for retirees, but I'm sure someone on here would disagree with my decision to do so. 

However, I would be slightly offended if someone addressed my husband with his rank, but ignored mine.  I earned my rank just like he did, so for the military couples, I addressed them as "Lieutenants Smith".  If I remember correctly, I pulled that from the military ettiquette manual. There are a number of sites on the internet that spell out the different ranks.  You FI should know who is who...from there it should be fairly easy to get the titles accurate.  Yes, spell them out completely.

For the uniform question...I would just indicate on your invite the attire you expect your guests to wear.  We actually told military members to wear Dinner Dress Blue (we are having a traditional military wedding with sword arch, chaplain, etc), but my FI wore a suit to my cousin's wedding we went to a couple weeks ago. Some guys love wearing the unform (because they think they are in the movie Top Gun), others welcome a chance to be a little more relaxed.  I would just have your FI tell them that it's their choice to wear the uniform but not required.  I assume you are not having a "military wedding" but rather just inviting a couple of guests who happen to be in the military?

Dictating dress is an etiquette faux pas and not appropriate for social events. Dress codes do not belong on invitations unless it is a black tie wedding.  

And H would have been pissed if you told him he had to show up in dress blues to your wedding. 

We included the dress code in an enclosure card...personally I hate not knowing what attire is expected so I helped my guests plan ahead.

All groomsmen and a number of the guests (sword arch participants) will be in uniform.  My FI would be embarassed to show up in civilian clothes when most of the other guests (especially people he knows)were in uniform.  My situation is unique, 160 invited and 50 are active duty.

At the end of the day, no one has to do anything they don't want to.  Your husband can wear whatever he wants to a non-command function.  But others are happy to have an excuse to wear their very expensive dress uniform and then go bar hopping after...instant attention grabber. 

The point is that if it isn't a black tie wedding no specific attire is expected.  And an enclosure card is still part of the invitation, that didn't get you around violating the rules of etiquette. 

As for others being happy to have an excuse to wear their uniform they don't need "permission" from the bride and groom to do so.  I've been to civilian weddings where there was one loan person in uniform.