Sticky situation- looking for advice

tlc9615

Last night FI and I were putting together our guest list. We had some serious numbers to cut back on from the list that he was originally provided from his parents to keep the number around the 150-165 that we were planning on. On the list that was cut back his Aunt remained. Now here is the tricky part- his aunt got divorced from her husband about five years ago. The husband is FI uncle by blood (FI father's brother). Uncle will be invited to the wedding and is someone that is a part of our lives and we see frequently. Aunt is living with her new boyfriend and has been for the past few years. FI wants to invite the aunt but not the boyfriend. My instinct is we cannot invite her without her SO. Also, this aunt and uncle have three (adult) children together and we were not planning on inviting any of the cousins to help keep numbers down (large families on both sides). 

How would you go about this situation? Do you invite the aunt? Do you not? It just seems wrong in my mind to invite the x-aunt but not the cousins... I don't know I may be reading too much into this. Your input is appreciated!

daveANDkristen

Invite whoever you want as long as you don't split up a couple. So if the aunt is invited, her bf has to be invited too. IMO it's fine not to invite the cousins, many people invite in circles to keep things fair (ie: no cousins, or no un-related children). That's not to say either decision is unfair, but if you invite some and not others from the same circle it has the potential for family drama.

tlc9615

Thanks! I agree- I feel as though if the aunt is going to be invited her SO should as well. I think that it should either be both or neither.

mysticl

I did not invite my ex-aunt and DH did not invite his ex-uncle to our wedding.  We also have zero contact with these people. When they left the respective families they were gone.  When my cousin (dad's side) got married my mother wasn't invited since she was no longer married to my dad and hadn't since the family since the split.  So it really depends on the relationship.  If he has contact with her and she's still a part of his life go ahead and invite her but the boyfriend has to be invited too.  But if the relationship has deteriorated or become nonexistent I wouldn't invite her.  

MNVegas

If you invite the aunt you have to invite her current boyfriend. So tell FI to get that idea out of his mind right now. Does your FI still have a close relationship with this aunt? If not, I would probably not invite her. If you had no intention of inviting cousins then I would not worry about the cousins regardless if you invite the aunt & her SO or not.

tlc9615

FI and I have been together for 5 years. I have met the aunt once and he has not seen her more than that either. He has the mentality of family is family even if you haven't seen them in a bit. Which is wonderful and I love how he values family but there gets to a point where you just cannot accommodate everyone!

climbingsingle

If you invite the aunt, you must invite her SO. But it doesn't sound like you and FI  are really that close with her. 

I'm not inviting my aunt's ex-husband to my wedding. And his daughter/my cousin will be there. I see him once in a while at some events, but have not really maintained a relationship with him. 

mysticl

tlc9615 said:

FI and I have been together for 5 years. I have met the aunt once and he has not seen her more than that either. He has the mentality of family is family even if you haven't seen them in a bit. Which is wonderful and I love how he values family but there gets to a point where you just cannot accommodate everyone!

That is a great philosophy. However, one could argue that she isn't family anymore, especially since he is not maintaining a relationship with her.  

[Deleted User]

I'm in the camp of not inviting her. If you still saw her regularly, that might be different, but no matter what, she's been with her SO long enough where he would need to be invited. IMO if somone is dating someone less then a month when you send out invites, they don't fall under the SO def. yet.

steph861

Are his parents contributing any money toward the wedding? It might be more difficult to say no to inviting the ex-aunt if they're contributing significantly.

tlc9615

His parents are not contributing a penny to any wedding related costs (including the rehearsal). My parents have the intent of paying for it all but FI and I have determined some costs we would like to take on because we are not comfortable with them paying for everything.

delujm0

I adore my Aunt's ex-husband, who is the father of my two cousins.  He is a great guy, and i miss him at family events.  I only see him at events that involve his children (their graduation parties, etc) because he is no longer married into our family.  I would have loved to have him at my wedding - but honestly, it would have probably been weird for my Aunt, especially since he is remarried and i have no idea what kind of terms my Aunt is on with him or his new wife (their kids are grown, so it's not like they actively co-parent much anymore).

 

I did not invite my uncle to the wedding.  He was aware of it, and his daughter did one of our readings.  When we got back from the honeymoon he had sent us a lovely card with a check in it, for which i wrote him a very gracious thank you note.  I think, in most instances, this is probably the way to handle it.  If you're cutting down on guests to the point that cousins aren't even invited, i don't know why you'd invite a lady who used to be married to his uncle.  You're struggling with numbers and she seems to be an easy one to cut.  but if you do invite her, you need to include her SO.

WildMagelet

My mother is frequently invited and attends things for my dad's side of the family where my father and my stepmother are not invited.  A lot of my extended family views it as "once family, always family." 

As PP mentioned, couples are all or nothing.  Invite the aunt with the bf or not at all.  They are adults and should be able to act as such for one day, especially several years later.