Bridesmaids dresses dilemna

PrettyGirlLost

Butterflyz419 said:

We've been doing matching BM dresses for over 100 years. That's long-standing enough for our purposes especially since the tradition really is much older and yeah it has interesting origins. So? Lots of our wedding traditions do. I didn't say since the dawn of time but it's not some new-fangled concept that's only been around for a generation. Anyone who accepts being in a bridal party today should know and expect to be told what to wear. Choosing your BM's attire is no more a sign of being overly controlling than choosing a wedding cake flavor that you love. It is OKAY for brides to actually want things to be a certain way.

Sure, but what we are trying to tell you and to get you to understand is that it isn't going to kill you Brides to step back from the "it's my day" mentality and be a little bit flexible with your vision if a WP member tells you that they don't feel comfortable wearing something.  You can be a compassionate, decent human being AND a Bride at the same time.

Many of us have been BM's many, many times over, and what stands out in my mind most about those weddings is how the bride acted.  Most of the BM dresses I wore were pretty enough, but I did not feel comfortable in them because they were strapless and I hate strapless dresses even with good alterations.  However one dress was just so unflattering that you can see it in my fake, forced, self conscious smile in the photos. . . and the smiles of two other very heavy set girls who unfortunately looked really bad in the dress.  I felt awful for them.

I have a large WP and my friends and family run the gamut of body types, so there was no way a single style of dress was going to look good on everybody.  Not only that, but each of these women has different preferences as to the styles they feel comfortable in, so I gave them a selection of 5 color swatches and told them to pick a roughly knee-length dress in one of the 5 colors.

Because at the end of the day, I just want them each to look rockstar and feel like they look like a million dollars.  That's the "matching" look I'm going for in photos.

PrettyGirlLost

Butterflyz419 said:

I'm actually okay with my girls wearing different cuts, but they will be the same fabric, length, and color and they may *gasp* come from DB. But I wore a dress to another wedding that I was a BM in that was not my absolute favorite. We all matched and I preferred the cut of another dress she was considering. Shrug. No big deal. If someone wanted me to wear something crazy like you describe, I'd say, I'm sorry that's not possible, I will step down and go as a guest, no hard feelings at all. I wouldn't stomp my feet and demand they make accommodations for me.

If someone isn't in your wedding party it doesn't mean they don't matter to you. I have some amazing male friends from high school that I love dearly. I'm not in to the whole bridesman thing (and neither are they) so they aren't going to be in my wedding party, but just because they aren't in the official wedding party doesn't mean that their presence and support isn't very important to me. But since they aren't in the wedding party I'm not going to tell them what color ties to wear, but the GM will be told what color ties to wear. That's how it works and that doesn't make me or anyone else a crazy cruel bridezilla.

That's just fine!  Nothing wrong with that!

offensivekitten2

So, according to OP's logic, I could hold a bikini wedding, and force all of the wedding party to show skin they don't want to show. If they protest in any way, I can be all "STFU! SHOW SOME SKIN BITCHES!".

Good to know I can violate someone's privacy and comfort so my big party can be omgmatching!

Liatris2010

Can someone explain to me how other people's attire ruins their wedding day? I don't get it. I've never had a day ruined by other people's clothing. Ever.

If you are heading to the alter to marry the person you love, and seeing a BM in attire you don't like ruins your day then you are getting married for the wrong reason.

If you want a dress-up party where you dictate peoples attire throw a theme party.

You choose your WP to honor them. No one feels honored in clothes they don't like or don't feel comfortable in, they feel used. And rightfully so, because you are using them as a prop instead of honoring them. For hire bridesmaids is a thing now. If you are set on dictating attire, hire someone to dress up.

Butterflyz419

Yeah, except the OP on the first page specifically said she was willing to work with all of the girls to find a fabric and level of coverage they felt comfortable in, since it is completely possible to wear a sari without baring your midriff (I've done it), but yeah sure ignore the details of what people tell you when it doesn't jive with your rant. That's much better.

And my friends and I don't buy each other Christmas or birthday presents as a rule, we don't have that kind of money to spend, instead we rather throw parties in our own honor (at least for the birthdays) and just celebrate together. Personally, I am very happy to get my WP gifts, but we also believe being in a WP doesn't begin and end on the wedding day and I am looking forward to thanking them for all they have done and will do over the next 10 months in a concrete way in addition to all the thank you's that have been said already. My BMs are wonderful girls who because they've joined me in the worst time of my life, burying my father, are so thrilled to be with me in the happiest time of my life, my wedding and they want to support me and not just happen to show up to just another wedding. But if all your WP is willing to do is show up in "appropriate attire" and not anything in particular that you've specifically asked them to wear? First, I'm sorry you don't have better friends, and I'm also sorry but that's no more than any other guest managed to do and I don't think it's worthy of the distinction of a special gift. I've seen it said on here that if your parents aren't contributing to the wedding or helping plan/host etc. then there's no obligation to get them anything; well, why would it be any different for the WP? After all, you might be great friends and love your WP very dearly but they didn't raise you and turn you in to the kind of person ready for marriage, your parents did. So yeah, you can if you want to, but you could also buy that same friend a gift any old day with as much justification, just my opinion.

PrettyGirlLost

Butterflyz419 said:

Yeah, except the OP on the first page specifically said she was willing to work with all of the girls to find a fabric and level of coverage they felt comfortable in, since it is completely possible to wear a sari without baring your midriff (I've done it), but yeah sure ignore the details of what people tell you when it doesn't jive with your rant. That's much better.  A Sari is still a dress, and her FI's friend said she doesn't feel comfortable wearing a dress.  That is the main issue.  So it doesn't matter what the OP claimed with regards to working with her BM's in order to find a level of coverage they feel comfortable with if she is still insisting on trying to make her FI's friend, who is standing on his side, wear a dress.  We have no idea what "plan" she and her FI have come up with because she left the thread and I doubt she will return.

And my friends and I don't buy each other Christmas or birthday presents as a rule, we don't have that kind of money to spend, instead we rather throw parties in our own honor (at least for the birthdays) and just celebrate together. Personally, I am very happy to get my WP gifts, but we also believe being in a WP doesn't begin and end on the wedding day A lot of people who participate in a WP do a lot more, much much more, than just show up on the wedding day in the correct attire.  Your friends are not some great outliers.  The point that everyone tries to get across to Brides here is that they should never act entitled and expect anything more of their BM's, that any pre-wedding parties are a gift given to them, and that the lists of BM duties they spout off all of the time are utter nonsense. 

The other point is that giving someone a gift should not have anything to do with how much they are doing for you, and everything to do with you just wanting to sincerely give the gift.  Your statements on the subject make it sound as if one of your BMs couldn't participate in any of the pre wedding things you want her to participate in, or expect her to participate in, and all she can do is show up on your wedding day that you wouldn't feel the "need" to give her the same type of gift or as nice of a gift as the other BM's who threw you a shower, etc.  That's a crappy mentality.

I have two OOT BM's that I won't see until the morning of the wedding or the RD the night before.  They will not be participating in anything prior to the wedding because it isn't possible for them to do so.  I still put as much thought, money, and effort into their gifts as I did my other, local BM's who are planning and will attend my shower.  Because I'm not giving them the gifts based on what they did for me.  I'm giving them the gifts because I love them and I hope that they will enjoy their gifts.

 I am looking forward to thanking them for all they have done and will do over the next 10 months in a concrete way in addition to all the thank you's that have been said already. My BMs are wonderful girls who because they've joined me in the worst time of my life, burying my father, are so thrilled to be with me in the happiest time of my life, my wedding and they want to support me and not just happen to show up to just another wedding. But if all your WP is willing to do is show up in "appropriate attire" and not anything in particular that you've specifically asked them to wear? First, I'm sorry you don't have better friends, and I'm also sorry but that's no more than any other guest managed to do and I don't think it's worthy of the distinction of a special gift. You still don't get the mentality behind giving and receiving gifts, do you?  I've seen it said on here that if your parents aren't contributing to the wedding or helping plan/host etc. then there's no obligation to get them anything; well, why would it be any different for the WP? THERE'S NEVER ANY OBLIGATION TO GIVE ANYONE A GIFT!!!  THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT A GIFT!!  You give a gift because you want to give it, not in order to reward someone for doing something for you. . . that's called a payment or a bribe.  After all, you might be great friends and love your WP very dearly but they didn't raise you and turn you in to the kind of person ready for marriage, your parents did. So yeah, you can if you want to, but you could also buy that same friend a gift any old day with as much justification, just my opinion.

[Deleted User]

Butterflyz419 said:

Yeah, except the OP on the first page specifically said she was willing to work with all of the girls to find a fabric and level of coverage they felt comfortable in, since it is completely possible to wear a sari without baring your midriff (I've done it), but yeah sure ignore the details of what people tell you when it doesn't jive with your rant. That's much better.

And my friends and I don't buy each other Christmas or birthday presents as a rule, we don't have that kind of money to spend, instead we rather throw parties in our own honor (at least for the birthdays) and just celebrate together. Personally, I am very happy to get my WP gifts, but we also believe being in a WP doesn't begin and end on the wedding day and I am looking forward to thanking them for all they have done and will do over the next 10 months in a concrete way in addition to all the thank you's that have been said already. My BMs are wonderful girls who because they've joined me in the worst time of my life, burying my father, are so thrilled to be with me in the happiest time of my life, my wedding and they want to support me and not just happen to show up to just another wedding. But if all your WP is willing to do is show up in "appropriate attire" and not anything in particular that you've specifically asked them to wear? First, I'm sorry you don't have better friends, and I'm also sorry but that's no more than any other guest managed to do and I don't think it's worthy of the distinction of a special gift. I've seen it said on here that if your parents aren't contributing to the wedding or helping plan/host etc. then there's no obligation to get them anything; well, why would it be any different for the WP? After all, you might be great friends and love your WP very dearly but they didn't raise you and turn you in to the kind of person ready for marriage, your parents did. So yeah, you can if you want to, but you could also buy that same friend a gift any old day with as much justification, just my opinion.

I don't think anyone in this thread once mentioned that you don't get to tell your WP what to wear at all.  By all means you can say, "Hey, WP, I really love this color and this style of dress!" but the bride should also respect if the particular style of outfit that she has chosen for her WP makes someone physically uncomfortable or is out of that BMs budget.  That is at least the point I'm making.  The bride can pick out the ugliest dress on the planet but if it's in my budget and I feel physically comfortable in it, then I'm gonna wear that dress.

For some brides, they feel entitled to dictate any and every little thing of their WPs in the name of "it's my wedding! it's my day! it's just one day! this what you're supposed to do for me!" and many of us feel that sense of entitlement is unwarranted in the name of a wedding day.

PrettyGirlLost

crabbylucy said:

Butterflyz419 said:

Yeah, except the OP on the first page specifically said she was willing to work with all of the girls to find a fabric and level of coverage they felt comfortable in, since it is completely possible to wear a sari without baring your midriff (I've done it), but yeah sure ignore the details of what people tell you when it doesn't jive with your rant. That's much better.

And my friends and I don't buy each other Christmas or birthday presents as a rule, we don't have that kind of money to spend, instead we rather throw parties in our own honor (at least for the birthdays) and just celebrate together. Personally, I am very happy to get my WP gifts, but we also believe being in a WP doesn't begin and end on the wedding day and I am looking forward to thanking them for all they have done and will do over the next 10 months in a concrete way in addition to all the thank you's that have been said already. My BMs are wonderful girls who because they've joined me in the worst time of my life, burying my father, are so thrilled to be with me in the happiest time of my life, my wedding and they want to support me and not just happen to show up to just another wedding. But if all your WP is willing to do is show up in "appropriate attire" and not anything in particular that you've specifically asked them to wear? First, I'm sorry you don't have better friends, and I'm also sorry but that's no more than any other guest managed to do and I don't think it's worthy of the distinction of a special gift. I've seen it said on here that if your parents aren't contributing to the wedding or helping plan/host etc. then there's no obligation to get them anything; well, why would it be any different for the WP? After all, you might be great friends and love your WP very dearly but they didn't raise you and turn you in to the kind of person ready for marriage, your parents did. So yeah, you can if you want to, but you could also buy that same friend a gift any old day with as much justification, just my opinion.

I don't think anyone in this thread once mentioned that you don't get to tell your WP what to wear at all.  By all means you can say, "Hey, WP, I really love this color and this style of dress!" but the bride should also respect if the particular style of outfit that she has chosen for her WP makes someone physically uncomfortable or is out of that BMs budget.  That is at least the point I'm making.  The bride can pick out the ugliest dress on the planet but if it's in my budget and I feel physically comfortable in it, then I'm gonna wear that dress.

For some brides, they feel entitled to dictate any and every little thing of their WPs in the name of "it's my wedding! it's my day! it's just one day! this what you're supposed to do for me!" and many of us feel that sense of entitlement is unwarranted in the name of a wedding day.

This exactly.  Amen.

beethery

Why in the hell is it so difficult for people to understand that agreeing to be a bridesmaid does not mean that the bride is given control of the bridesmaid's body autonomy for the time before and the day of the wedding?