Who "hosts" the rehearsal dinner?

MandyMost

A little background to start...

My fiance and I had planned to pay for our entire wedding event, from start to finish. His family graciously offered us the money to cover the caterer (after asking what that cost was), which is great and obviously a huge portion of the expenses. They've already give us money towards it (i.e. paid the deposit) and I have every reason to believe they will keep their word and pay for the remainder of the catering bill. My family has no extra money--when I go out to lunch with my mom, I usually buy. 

In addition to the money issue, I'm sure if I gave my family some guidance as to where to call, they could plan a nice rehearsal dinner. However, I'm pretty sure his family has never planned any kind of event ever, and would have no idea where to even start. They are much....simpler....people than my fiance and I. 

Enough background, on to the question. We are fully capable of throwing our own rehearsal dinner, and happy to do so. But we don't want to step on any toes. Should we ask his parents if they want to "host" it, essentially meaning paying for it? How do we phrase that in a way that says "We're only asking because it's tradition and didn't want to short you of an experience you were looking forward to hosting, if that's the case". Or how do we ask both families if they want to "host" it together, which could mean we pay for it, but they just essentially plan how it's going to go on that day (i know we'll have some speeches and things that they could plan for), and do the RSVPs. Can we ask them that in a polite way? 

If we do host the whole thing ourselves (again, totally fine with that!) is there any way we can have someone else dealing with the RSVPs? 

Currently, I'm planning on sending a separate invite to those people invited to the rehearsal dinner (immediate family and the bridal party, of course with all significant others invited). For the record, it's about 30 people. 

OliveOilsMom

MandyMost said:

A little background to start...

My fiance and I had planned to pay for our entire wedding event, from start to finish. His family graciously offered us the money to cover the caterer (after asking what that cost was), which is great and obviously a huge portion of the expenses. They've already give us money towards it (i.e. paid the deposit) and I have every reason to believe they will keep their word and pay for the remainder of the catering bill. My family has no extra money--when I go out to lunch with my mom, I usually buy. 

In addition to the money issue, I'm sure if I gave my family some guidance as to where to call, they could plan a nice rehearsal dinner. However, I'm pretty sure his family has never planned any kind of event ever, and would have no idea where to even start. They are much....simpler....people than my fiance and I. 

Enough background, on to the question. We are fully capable of throwing our own rehearsal dinner, and happy to do so. But we don't want to step on any toes. Should we ask his parents if they want to "host" it, essentially meaning paying for it? How do we phrase that in a way that says "We're only asking because it's tradition and didn't want to short you of an experience you were looking forward to hosting, if that's the case". Or how do we ask both families if they want to "host" it together, which could mean we pay for it, but they just essentially plan how it's going to go on that day (i know we'll have some speeches and things that they could plan for), and do the RSVPs. Can we ask them that in a polite way? 

If we do host the whole thing ourselves (again, totally fine with that!) is there any way we can have someone else dealing with the RSVPs? 

Currently, I'm planning on sending a separate invite to those people invited to the rehearsal dinner (immediate family and the bridal party, of course with all significant others invited). For the record, it's about 30 people. 

You don't ask anyone to host anything for you.  If they offer, that is different and you can either accept or decline their offer.

I sent out RD invites that did not offer up a host.  I had RSVP's sent to me.  I don't understand why that's a big deal to you. 

ETA: To the bolded: that just sounds terrible.

MNVegas

No you don't ask anyone to host or pay for your rehearsal dinner. Your FILs have already been very generous with their contribution so be grateful for that. 

Why would you not be able to deal with RSVPs if you host RD yourself? Again if someone offers to help w/RSVPs that is fine, but you should not be asking people to do the job for you.

southernbelle0915

The only reason you need to have a RD is if you have a rehearsal - so you host the people you required to be at the rehearsal.

That said, it's your responsibility to host it (not your FIL's or your parents'). You have a couple choice if you want to save money:

1) don't have a rehearsal and you don't need to host anything.

2) have the rehearsal and RD at a non-meal time so you only need to host snacks/drinks (not a full meal)

3) have pizza delivered to your house and only have the necessary people (those involved in the rehearsal and their SOs)

lyndausvi

we hosted our own RD. Never occurred to me to ask MIL. If she wanted to she would have offered. Since his family offered to cover the catering cost for the wedding if they wanted to host the RD they would have offered to pay that also.

MandyMost

There are people who want to help and do things, but don't have any money to contribute, such as my mother. 

And to be honest, my mother threw my brother's rehearsal dinner and it was something she took a lot of pride in and looked forward to doing. She's concerned that we're not allowing the groom's parents a chance to host the rehearsal dinner, since she enjoyed doing it. (Note: at that time she had the money to do it). His parents are the type of people who's only emotion they've ever displayed is "subdued pleasantness" and would never be so bold as to ask to throw the dinner, even if they really wanted to. I swear, they're the type of people that could be lit on fire while you're standing next to a bucket of water and they wouldn't ask you to put them out because they don't want to inconvenience you, and maybe you'll be thirsty later so you should save that water. 

I thought I was clear that we have no problem doing it all ourselves, but I'll restate that here. We have NO PROBLEM doing it all ourselves! It's really a matter of keeping the parents all happy!

MandyMost

lyndausvi said:

we hosted our own RD. Never occurred to me to ask MIL. If she wanted to she would have offered. Since his family offered to cover the catering cost for the wedding if they wanted to host the RD they would have offered to pay that also.

I disagree, you've never met them! It's not so much a matter of paying as it is a matter of having a say in it. To me, that means hosting it. They are a traditional family, and traditionally the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner. I don't give a rats ass about that, but maybe they do, and they wouldn't mention it. And now I'm dealing with my mom telling me I'm being overbearing by planning it ourselves when "maybe his parents want to do it!". Essentially I don't think there's a way to ask if they WANT to do it without it sounding like we're asking them to do it and/or want money for it. 

MandyMost

Musikalbunni said:

BTW, hosting has little to nothing to do with who is paying. 

OK, so how does one determine who is hosting and/or wants to host without the concept of money being brought up? My mom would want to if she thought it was "appropriate" but thinks because she doesn't have the money and she's not the mother of the groom it is not appropriate. And the grooms parents don't understand the concept, even if they'd want to!

I guess that's really my question!

misshart00

I think the only way this could be brought up is in casual conversation and say something like "we were about the plan the rehearsal dinner and can't decide on a restaurant. Do you have any suggestions?" If they want to participate, that will give them an opportunity.

beachyone15

You could ask them if they had any ideas or wanted to have some input on planning the rehearsal dinner. Assume that you are paying for it yourselves unless they offer to. I wouldn't downright ask them though. That's likely to make them feel obligated if they weren't planning on it.

lyndausvi

You are making way too big of a deal over a 30 person dinner.  Seriously, it's not as hard as you are making it out to be.

Plan the dinner.   If  you want to make references about your plans to the future-in-laws, do.   If they offer to pay, great.  If not continue to plan.

RSVP for 30 people is not a big deal.  I had 100+ at my RD and didn't even do RSVPs.   Ours was an open house with people coming and going, so not a sit-down dinner.  We had a buffet of sorts setup in the house with foods and beverages.

Marzipan13

We planned our own RD, and we were going to pay for it until FMIL / FFIL stepped in and said they'd pay for it.  They knew it was already all planned, but we still put on the RD invites that they're hosting it, not FI & I. 

MandyMost

lyndausvi said:

You are making way too big of a deal over a 30 person dinner.  Seriously, it's not as hard as you are making it out to be.

Plan the dinner.   If  you want to make references about your plans to the future-in-laws, do.   If they offer to pay, great.  If not continue to plan.

RSVP for 30 people is not a big deal.  I had 100+ at my RD and didn't even do RSVPs.   Ours was an open house with people coming and going, so not a sit-down dinner.  We had a buffet of sorts setup in the house with foods and beverages.

All I've done is ask for opinions. I'm not "making a big deal" out of this. Wow, I thought a message board was a place to ask for advice. I just don't want to step on anyone's toes!

And I'm glad you have a house (or someone willing to let you use their house) big enough to host 100 people! We do not have that luxury, so will be paying to have it at a restaurant. I would love to have a cocktail reception instead of a full dinner, but you pick your battles. We would be ripped apart by some of the invites if we did not provide a full meal (no matter how heavy the apps, these people would not consider it a meal). Because we will be having a meal at a restaurant, we really will need RSVPs. I'm glad your event worked for you, but it won't work for me. 

lyndausvi

If  your mom wants to host let her host.  Traditionally the bride's family hosts and pays for the WEDDING, but your FI's are covering a big part of that.  So already tradition is out the window.  I think its silly be to caught up on tradition.   Your in-laws have already offered to pay a HUGH expense of a wedding.    Assume they are not going to pay/host the RD and let your mom or yourself pay for it.

NYCMercedes

They offered money for the wedding caterer, so they know how to offer. I recommend you not consider the possibility you'd be stepping on their toes for the RD and just go ahead and make your plans.

beachyone15

NYCMercedes said:

They offered money for the wedding caterer, so they know how to offer. I recommend you not consider the possibility you'd be stepping on their toes for the RD and just go ahead and make your plans.

Yeah, I found this odd. If they want to host the RD, I'm sure they would let you know.

mimivac

MandyMost said:

 His parents are the type of people who's only emotion they've ever displayed is "subdued pleasantness" and would never be so bold as to ask to throw the dinner, even if they really wanted to. I swear, they're the type of people that could be lit on fire while you're standing next to a bucket of water and they wouldn't ask you to put them out because they don't want to inconvenience you, and maybe you'll be thirsty later so you should save that water. 

I thought I was clear that we have no problem doing it all ourselves, but I'll restate that here. We have NO PROBLEM doing it all ourselves! It's really a matter of keeping the parents all happy!

Well you can't read minds, so people just have to speak up if they want to do something. Just go about your business and plan the dinner yourself. His parents are grown adults and should be able to state their wishes accordingly. I had a MIL like this and bend myself backwards trying to divine what she wanted and please her. Totally not worth it. She was just manipulating me anyway. You're not being rude by planning your own wedding.

JellyBean52513

OP, I think I understand your concern about "stepping on toes." Yes, at one time, it was traditional for the groom's family to host the rehearsal dinner. It was also traditional at that time for the bride's family (i.e., father) to pay for the entire wedding because the bride was typically a young woman with no job, no resources or assets of her own, and the groom was essentially assuming responsibility for her from her parents. Times have certainly changed since then. While those hosting duties were once traditional, they are no longer the rule and it's not exactly tactful to expect any particular family member(s) to host things. If the bride and groom want to have a wedding of a particular style, then they alone should be responsible for hosting all aspects of it unless someone else has offered. I think you may be stuck on the ideas of traditions past. Like PPs said, if your FILs really wanted to host your RD, they would have offered by now or at least inquired about your plans for it. Bringing it up to them seems like you're trying to get them to do it, and if they're as polite as you say they are, they might not feel comfortable telling you "no, we don't want to host the RD." Don't put undue pressure on your FILs, plan your RD on your own and carry on with wedding planning Edited to attempt to make paragraphs

mysticl

We had our rehearsal dinner at a restaurant we did not do invites or RSVPs.  We just gave the information to the wedding party.  We "invited" at total of 21 people.  Throw in DH and I and we had 23 at the dinner.  The way the restaurant we used handled it was they had me pick out 5 items from the menu in advance and a special menu listing only those 5 items was presented to our guests.  By doing this I was able to avoid having the most expensive items available.  We fully planned to pay ourselves, however, when the check came MIL stole it from DH.  It came to about $500.  

MandyMost

Thanks all, it's nice to hear that I should be less concerned about trying to read the future-inlaws minds. :-) That makes me feel much better. 

We are not at ALL traditional when it comes to all this wedding stuff (we're not having a bridal party, no veil, no "wedding colors", etc.), but some of the family clearly is, so things can be a bit tense sometimes because of that. 

mysticl, I was hoping to be able to do the dinner that way but for around 30 people we can only do that if we don't want any privacy in the restaurant at the places I've spoken to. If you want a private or semi-private space, we can do it that way but there's a fairly high minimum that will bring our cost up a bit.