Second Weddings

Should we include his kids? (Tough situation) XP

FI and I are getting married on 12/12/14. It's the second marriage for both of us. I don't have any kids, but he has 3...two girls (ages 6 and 8) and a 4 year old son. The idea was to have his 2 daughters be flower girls and his son be a ring bearer with my 3 year old nephew. His kids love me, and I love them as if they are my own. They stay with FI and I every weekend, and they always have fun. He and I are both worried about the girls, especially the 8 year old. She's very smart and understands what's going on. She took it very hard when her father told her about he and I being engaged. (Although FI and I are sure his ex wife put ideas in their heads too. She sometimes can be very good about it and other times be very jealous and spiteful.) It's been a tough situation for her, which I understand. I'm sure I would go back and forth like that also if I were in that position. We go back and forth about whether the girls should be at the wedding at all. Part of us both think that maybe they're too young and fragile to witness their father marrying someone else, even though they love me and know that I love them. Another part of me worries when they get older that they will be resentful that they were left out. Has anybody else gone through this? How did you handle it?


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Re: Should we include his kids? (Tough situation) XP

  • Just like you and your FI are going back and forth on the subject, they probably are too.  So I'd tread very carefully.  I definitely wouldn't arbitrarily insist that they fill specified roles or leave them out, but I would ask them if they'd like to play roles in your wedding and respect their feelings, whatever those happen to be. 

    You can insist that they not flip-flop.  If they say they don't want to participate, then it would be reasonable to let them know that if they change their minds later, then unfortunately, it will be too late, especially at the last minute.
  • I agree with Jen about talking to them, especially the eight year old. She can properly express her feelings. And if she is on board, then the others will most likely be too!

    My DH has two kids from his previous marriage and neither were at our wedding. However, this is becaue they are both over 18, living on their own, working, etc and noone was invited to the wedding. If we had invited anyone, it would have been the girls.  I would want them to be involved and feel a part of their dad's life. If they even doubted for a second that the marriage was wrong, NOT inviting them would have made it so much worse. IMHO, I would only NOT invite them if they openly expressed not wanting to be there. Otherwise, they will probably resent the situation later on when they are capable of understanding.


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