Can I ask my MOH to step down?

ajsmith14

I have been engaged for seven months and the wedding is less than three months away. Just after the proposal I asked a close friend to be my MOH, just weeks after I was her MOH at her wedding. She was thrilled at first but since then has been demanding about what she wants and is not listening to our wishes. She has fought me on everything from the bridesmaid dresses, to insisting I fly to another state for a shower I specifically said I did not want (takes my limited vacation time and money but not her's), and on and on. At first I tried letting things slide, so it wouldn't turn into a bigger deal, but now I'm fed up with her actions and she is being flat out rude. Can I tell her that I would prefer another attendant to take the role of my MOH? My other two girls have been fantastic, offering support when I need it, but saying they will be when and where I want them - which is all I'm really asking. But my MOH blowing everything up, and she is doing more harm than good in our case. My fiancee thinks I made a big mistake in asking her, and said I should be able to ask her to step down. I know this will certainly ruin a friendship, but I'm at wit's end with the situation and want to enjoy my wedding day - not have her sulking. Help?

LittlePeachBlossom

Only if you want to end the friendship. But don't promote someone to MOH after. That is rude too. Just keep it as all Bridesmaids, no MOH.

Jen4948

If she slept with your FI or were threatening someone's safety, you could certainly have her step down, but if all that's going on is that you and she have been bickering over wedding plans, then you can only ask her to step down if you want to risk the friendship, and you don't replace her or ask one of your other bridesmaids to take the MOH spot. When you say that she has been fighting you on the dresses, is she complaining that she can't afford to wear/buy what you want her to wear on your wedding day? If that's the case, did you ask her about her budget in advance? And is something else going on in her life that's making her behave like this? I think you should have a come-to-Deity talk with her and let her know that her constant pushback and arguing with you has been making things hard for you, and try to find some way for both of you to cooperate with each other, but don't ask her to step down unless you're really ready to not be friends from now on.

AddieCake

She sounds like a pain in the ass, so maybe you should talk to her about how she is acting. You can also just stop including her in plans and whatnot if she is not receptive. Don't kick her out; just limit your involvement with her.

OliveOilsMom

ajsmith14 said:

I have been engaged for seven months and the wedding is less than three months away. Just after the proposal I asked a close friend to be my MOH, just weeks after I was her MOH at her wedding. She was thrilled at first but since then has been demanding about what she wants and is not listening to our wishes. She has fought me on everything from the bridesmaid dresses, to insisting I fly to another state for a shower I specifically said I did not want (takes my limited vacation time and money but not her's), and on and on. At first I tried letting things slide, so it wouldn't turn into a bigger deal, but now I'm fed up with her actions and she is being flat out rude. Can I tell her that I would prefer another attendant to take the role of my MOH? My other two girls have been fantastic, offering support when I need it, but saying they will be when and where I want them - which is all I'm really asking. But my MOH blowing everything up, and she is doing more harm than good in our case. My fiancee thinks I made a big mistake in asking her, and said I should be able to ask her to step down. I know this will certainly ruin a friendship, but I'm at wit's end with the situation and want to enjoy my wedding day - not have her sulking. Help?

If you want to completely ruin your friendship with your MOH, then kick her out of your BP.  You will also be seen as a crazy bridezilla to do so.  Stop talking about the wedding with your MOH and lower your expectations of her.  Make sure the dress is within her budget, if not, find one that is.  If she continues to be difficult, just say "Friend, I love you.  For your wedding, I bought the dress that you wanted me to.  This is now my wedding and I'm asking the same courtesy from you now."  If she still refuses to buy the dress that ask, then she has removed herself from the BP.  But don't "promote" one of your other BMs.

ajsmith14

Thanks for all of the feedback. I spent $200 on a dress for her wedding and had to have alterations and shoes on top of that, but I found dresses under $100 for my girls. I like the dresses they have. The dresses I was considering were only $150, which was within her price range. My other girls needed large sized dresses, but she complained it wasn't available in XS for her. When I suggested a tailor, like I had to do for her wedding, she just kept saying she needed an XS dress.
 I guess my main issue is her attitude about everything, which is putting a sour note on it and dragging me down. I plan to call her this week and talk to her about everything. If she offers to step down on her own accord, I would accept, but I don't want to take her out of the party and replace her as a MOH. I really don't want to ruin our relationship over this. My fiancee had said he felts she is being a MOHzilla, which in turn has put me on the edge. We want a fairly simple wedding with a lot of DIY to save money, so for her to pick fights over what we have planned is tiring.

offensivekitten2

You have two options based on whether you care about the relationship:

1.) You don't care to maintain the friendship any longer.  Go ahead and kick her out.

2.) You do care to maintain the friendship.  Don't kick her out, just don't involve her in everything as a way to distance from her negativity.

OliveOilsMom

ajsmith14 said:

Thanks for all of the feedback. I spent $200 on a dress for her wedding and had to have alterations and shoes on top of that, but I found dresses under $100 for my girls. I like the dresses they have. The dresses I was considering were only $150, which was within her price range. My other girls needed large sized dresses, but she complained it wasn't available in XS for her. When I suggested a tailor, like I had to do for her wedding, she just kept saying she needed an XS dress.
 I guess my main issue is her attitude about everything, which is putting a sour note on it and dragging me down. I plan to call her this week and talk to her about everything. If she offers to step down on her own accord, I would accept, but I don't want to take her out of the party and replace her as a MOH. I really don't want to ruin our relationship over this. My fiancee had said he felts she is being a MOHzilla, which in turn has put me on the edge. We want a fairly simple wedding with a lot of DIY to save money, so for her to pick fights over what we have planned is tiring.

Just stop involving her in wedding plans.  You will only continue to be let down by her opinions on things you've chosen.  She does not need to help with any DIY projects you are doing.  Remember that no one will be as excited about your wedding as you and FI are.  Give her the dress parameters and then leave her alone.

Viczaesar

ajsmith14 said:

Thanks for all of the feedback. I spent $200 on a dress for her wedding and had to have alterations and shoes on top of that, but I found dresses under $100 for my girls. I like the dresses they have. The dresses I was considering were only $150, which was within her price range. My other girls needed large sized dresses, but she complained it wasn't available in XS for her. When I suggested a tailor, like I had to do for her wedding, she just kept saying she needed an XS dress.
 I guess my main issue is her attitude about everything, which is putting a sour note on it and dragging me down. I plan to call her this week and talk to her about everything. If she offers to step down on her own accord, I would accept, but I don't want to take her out of the party and replace her as a MOH. I really don't want to ruin our relationship over this. My fiancee had said he felts she is being a MOHzilla, which in turn has put me on the edge. We want a fairly simple wedding with a lot of DIY to save money, so for her to pick fights over what we have planned is tiring.

What kinds of things is she picking fights over?

ajsmith14

When I told her money was too tight for me to come back for the shower she insisted on throwing (which she is refusing to accept help from my family or other bridesmaids, making them feel left out), she got upset with me and booked me a flight several hours away with the promise to pick me up and drop me off at the airport so I wouldn't have to rent a car. Then she backed out of that. I didn't want the shower to begin with, as it means I have to give up precious vacation time and had to pay money that would have normally gone toward more important bills, as she isn't giving any sort of financial help in the travel department. I tried several times to have her understand why I didn't want a shower, and she got very upset and sent out the invitations far in advance so I couldn't continue to ask her not to throw me a shower so far away from my home. (Family and friends here wanted to throw me a shower, but we don't have enough on our registry to support two showers and the actual wedding.)
There were other, smaller things. First she said she liked the hairstyles I had picked out and only after I ran it past the hairstylist did she start bombarding me with photos, calls and texts about what she would have preferred. She knows money is tight for myself as well as the other two bridesmaids, but she wants us to do a spa day and have our nails done, etc. after I told her numerous times we would be doing that in-house. she offered to pay up to $15 for me to get my nails done, when that isn't even enough. When she told me I had no choice, and I told her the best spa/salon around here, she said no - without explanation. I've said if she wants to contribute to my day-of pampering (hair and makeup) she can do that, but I don't have interest in a salon, and she became upset and made excuses about not being around her phone for the rest of the day. There are a number of other things she has pushed back against, too. It all seems rather petty, but her constant refusal to listen to our simple wishes/ attacking our ideas is grating. At this point, I'm just going to leave her out of everything until I say "The rehearsal is at this time, and this is when and where we are meeting the wedding day." Seems like the only way to handle this.

lilacck28

ajsmith14 said:

When I told her money was too tight for me to come back for the shower she insisted on throwing (which she is refusing to accept help from my family or other bridesmaids, making them feel left out), she got upset with me and booked me a flight several hours away with the promise to pick me up and drop me off at the airport so I wouldn't have to rent a car. Then she backed out of that. I didn't want the shower to begin with, as it means I have to give up precious vacation time and had to pay money that would have normally gone toward more important bills, as she isn't giving any sort of financial help in the travel department. I tried several times to have her understand why I didn't want a shower, and she got very upset and sent out the invitations far in advance so I couldn't continue to ask her not to throw me a shower so far away from my home. (Family and friends here wanted to throw me a shower, but we don't have enough on our registry to support two showers and the actual wedding.)
There were other, smaller things. First she said she liked the hairstyles I had picked out and only after I ran it past the hairstylist did she start bombarding me with photos, calls and texts about what she would have preferred. She knows money is tight for myself as well as the other two bridesmaids, but she wants us to do a spa day and have our nails done, etc. after I told her numerous times we would be doing that in-house. she offered to pay up to $15 for me to get my nails done, when that isn't even enough. When she told me I had no choice, and I told her the best spa/salon around here, she said no - without explanation. I've said if she wants to contribute to my day-of pampering (hair and makeup) she can do that, but I don't have interest in a salon, and she became upset and made excuses about not being around her phone for the rest of the day. There are a number of other things she has pushed back against, too. It all seems rather petty, but her constant refusal to listen to our simple wishes/ attacking our ideas is grating. At this point, I'm just going to leave her out of everything until I say "The rehearsal is at this time, and this is when and where we are meeting the wedding day." Seems like the only way to handle this.

That sounds like the right plan of action to me. 

BMoreBride6

ajsmith14 said:

When I told her money was too tight for me to come back for the shower she insisted on throwing (which she is refusing to accept help from my family or other bridesmaids, making them feel left out), she got upset with me and booked me a flight several hours away with the promise to pick me up and drop me off at the airport so I wouldn't have to rent a car. Then she backed out of that. I didn't want the shower to begin with, as it means I have to give up precious vacation time and had to pay money that would have normally gone toward more important bills, as she isn't giving any sort of financial help in the travel department. I tried several times to have her understand why I didn't want a shower, and she got very upset and sent out the invitations far in advance so I couldn't continue to ask her not to throw me a shower so far away from my home. (Family and friends here wanted to throw me a shower, but we don't have enough on our registry to support two showers and the actual wedding.)
There were other, smaller things. First she said she liked the hairstyles I had picked out and only after I ran it past the hairstylist did she start bombarding me with photos, calls and texts about what she would have preferred. She knows money is tight for myself as well as the other two bridesmaids, but she wants us to do a spa day and have our nails done, etc. after I told her numerous times we would be doing that in-house. she offered to pay up to $15 for me to get my nails done, when that isn't even enough. When she told me I had no choice, and I told her the best spa/salon around here, she said no - without explanation. I've said if she wants to contribute to my day-of pampering (hair and makeup) she can do that, but I don't have interest in a salon, and she became upset and made excuses about not being around her phone for the rest of the day. There are a number of other things she has pushed back against, too. It all seems rather petty, but her constant refusal to listen to our simple wishes/ attacking our ideas is grating. At this point, I'm just going to leave her out of everything until I say "The rehearsal is at this time, and this is when and where we are meeting the wedding day." Seems like the only way to handle this.

To the bolded, if you are choosing the hairstyles, then you have to pay for them all to have it done.  If money is truly so tight, why not just let them do what they like with their hair so you no longer have that expense?