Fiance's parents think wedding is a waste of money...Making me feel horrible...HELP!

cupcake985

My finance's family has been very vocal about the fact that they think weddings are a big waste of money. His parent's are well off (probably because they don't every spend money...). My fiance's sister got married at her house when she was 5 mos. pregnant, which is very nice, but it was just too informal for me. Having trays of food from Costco is not what I want to do. I understand that is perfectly fine for some people. I only want around 75 guests--nothing over the top. Anytime I bring it up they are negative and make me feel awful. I feel like they won't even help pay for the rehearsal dinner. My parents are helping with 75% of the wedding expenses, and I am paying the rest. I have money saved up from working very hard, and I feel like what is the point of working so hard if I can't spend money on the things that are important to me. There negativity is really getting me down. I was almost in tears and dinner at their house. If they aren't paying why are they so opinionated? I don't know how to deal with this...I mean I want them to have a good time and be supportive but their attitudes make me not even want to do anything. I can't even concentrate on my work or sleep because of this. I want them to be happy for us. I could really use some advice. Thanks

thejucheidea

xoangelxoabbs said:

 I can't even concentrate on my work or sleep because of this. I want them to be happy for us. I could really use some advice. Thanks

Advice: stop caring what people think about you. If your life is being ruined by someone not liking how you spend your (and your parents') money, you have a huge problem. Grow a pair and ignore the haters.

cupcake985

Well that wasn't really the advice I was looking for. This is my fiance's parents, who are going to be my family and they live 2 miles from me... My fiance care's because these are his parents. I care because it bothers him also. I don't think not caring what my fiance thinks is going to lead to a great marriage. It is not like it is a bridesmaid, friend, coworker... Then I would care less.

JasperandOpal

I think, as hard as it is, the only thing you can do is sit down with them and with your FI, explain that this is how you imagined your wedding, explain that you do not want or expect any financial help from them and hope that they get over themselves.  

They will likely never be as excited about your wedding as you would like them to be because it sounds like they have some strong opinions about what a wedding should be.  After you talk with them, all you can really do is let them have their opinion and keep planning the wedding you want.  If they maintain their stance, there is really nothing to be done about it.  I know that sucks but you just have to let go of it and focus on the people who are in a similar mind-frame and you.  I would also stop bringing up any wedding planning stuff around them, just have FI talk to them about parent specific things when the time gets closer, like the mother/son dance if applicable.  Otherwise, send them an invitation like you would any other guest.  And don't expect them to pay for the rehearsal dinner, it doesn't sound like they will so I would plan accordingly and never mention it to them again. 

And yes, your FIs parents are important to you because they are important to him, but likewise, if he is important to them, you should be important to them.  Hopefully when they see your beautiful hard work pay off they will realize that there is more than one way to have a wedding and you can all move forward.  And even if they never come to terms with your "expensive" wedding, they will likely move past it once the wedding is over. 

tawillers

You shouldn't even be expecting them to pay for any of the RD, so quit worrying about that.

Plan and pay for the wedding you and your FI want.  It doesn't mean your future ILs aren't important to you.  It just means you are adult enough not to care about what other adults think about how you choose to spend your own money,

mrsconn23

xoangelxoabbs said:

Well that wasn't really the advice I was looking for. This is my fiance's parents, who are going to be my family and they live 2 miles from me... My fiance care's because these are his parents. I care because it bothers him also. I don't think not caring what my fiance thinks is going to lead to a great marriage. It is not like it is a bridesmaid, friend, coworker... Then I would care less.

Are you always going to consider their opinion when it comes to everything in life?  Really?  

Because this is not the only thing they're going to have an opinion about.  If you decide to move, have kids, how you raise said kids, where you vacation, if you decide to change jobs, etc, they may have something to say about it.  Are you not going to do any of those things and/or change your mind on what you want because they may have an opinion that differs from your own?  

Point is, the only people who matter here are you and your FI.  And that's true with your wedding and with everything else in life.  Do you. 

jacques27

Also, stop talking to them about the wedding.  You wrote, "Anytime I bring it up, they make me feel awful."

1) No one can make you feel awful.  Only you are in control of that.  You are in control of how you react to them and nothing else, so start the changes with you, not them.

2) Then stop bringing it up.  Do you think the more you talk about your wedding with them, the more they are going to magically not be frugal people who do not prioritize weddings?  Stop expecting them to throw money your way and be hunky dory with it, plan and pay for the wedding yourselves, find other things to talk about when you are in their presence, and mail them out invitations to the wedding like any other guest. 

If there are any MUST DISCUSS details with them, like coordinating walking down the aisle or a mother/son dance or what have you, discuss it at the rehearsal dinner or don't discuss it at all.  There's no reason to discuss it any earlier than that, if at all (walking isn't that hard), and there's really no reason to discuss the wedding with them at all if they aren't paying for it.  It's like how people recommend to not talk about religion or politics at work or dinner parties.  Well, weddings are a topic on which you clearly disagree...so find other things to talk about with them instead.

AuntFlo

xoangelxoabbs said:

My finance's family has been very vocal about the fact that they think weddings are a big waste of money. His parent's are well off (probably because they don't every spend money...). My fiance's sister got married at her house when she was 5 mos. pregnant, which is very nice, but it was just too informal for me. Having trays of food from Costco is not what I want to do. I understand that is perfectly fine for some people. I only want around 75 guests--nothing over the top. Anytime I bring it up they are negative and make me feel awful. I feel like they won't even help pay for the rehearsal dinner. My parents are helping with 75% of the wedding expenses, and I am paying the rest. I have money saved up from working very hard, and I feel like what is the point of working so hard if I can't spend money on the things that are important to me. There negativity is really getting me down. I was almost in tears and dinner at their house. If they aren't paying why are they so opinionated? I don't know how to deal with this...I mean I want them to have a good time and be supportive but their attitudes make me not even want to do anything. I can't even concentrate on my work or sleep because of this. I want them to be happy for us. I could really use some advice. Thanks

Where is your FI in all this?  What does he want?  Why isn't he contributing?

[Deleted User]

Stop talking about the wedding to your FI's parents and if they bring it up, just be vague and change the subject.  They can't be negative and be opinionated about your upcoming wedding if you don't ask for their opinion.  Only tell them when/where to show up and that's it.

*Barbie*

I also want to know why your FI is not contributing to the wedding or telling his parents to STFU.

My assumption: FI isn't contributing anything to the wedding because his parents think it's a waste of money. ILs will continue to run their son and OP's lives until they convince son to divorce OP, because she is not conforming to their standards. 

cupcake985

Thanks for the advice everyone.  To clarify, they are the ones that ask me questions, I never engage the wedding conversation. But when the conversation starts and I reluctantly bring up my plan, that is when shi* hits the fan.  It is hard to not answer the very direct questions at the dinner table without sounding like a total B*.  My fiance isn't contributing financially for the wedding because my parent's are paying for the majority of it.  We will cover anything over that amount. I just want them to be happy for us and for the occasion instead of making rude comments that it is a waste of money. The constant negativity is really putting a damper on things for me.   My fiance wants me to do whatever makes me happy.  This is his second marriage and doesn't have any strict requirements but does want a nice wedding.  I told him that he needs to talk to his parents and tell them to stop ganging up on me.  I also was NOT happy that he did not intervene when this was happening. They are not paying, and their son (my fiance) isn't paying either, so they don't need to be concerned with any financial aspect.  It is out of line and just plain RUDE..  They just need to show up, be happy for us, and leave their opinions to themselves. I don't instruct them on how to spend their money.

AuntFlo

WHY isn't your Fiance paying anything?

cupcake985

We will cover the remaining amount over my parent's contribution together.

GBCK

I'm confused. How is you 2 together covering it the same as him not paying? Where is he in *hand wavey* ALL of this?

cupcake985

Okay.  What I mean is that once we get married are finances will be commingled.  We both work full-time with good jobs...The additional amount we will pay over my parent's contribution is minimal...So, I am not really worrying about it.  I agree, he needs to tell his parents to back off.  He should have intervened and did not.

MegEn1

Stop talking about weddings around them. If the conversation topic comes up? BEAN DIP.

"I know, right? Who spends money on a wedding? What a waste of money!"

"Speaking of money, I had a really good day at my job the other day. Let me tell you about this great day that I had and this project I just completed." 

In-laws or not, there's going to be times in life where you just don't see eye-to-eye. It doesn't have to ruin the relationship.