Head Table - Just Don't - Rant

theartistformerlyknownas

For an added anecdote... I was a BM in a wedding a few weeks ago. My day with the bride started at 11am for hair and makeup. She hadn't planned lunch for us, so I ordered sandwiches delivered. We were due at the venue at 4pm for pictures and setting up the reception space (goodie). Ceremony started at 6pm, lasted approximately half an hour, immediately followed by more pictures. Then our grand entrance, heading straight for the head table for dinner. It's now approximately 7:30pm, and I have not seen my FI since 11am. He is seated at a table where he knows precisely zero people. The bride had TRIED to seat him with another BM's husband, who he had met the night before, but someone switched the place cards so she could sit with a friend she had met the night before. During dinner, I only got to chat with the bridesmaid to my right, since the MOH to my left was talking to the bride. I didn't get to actually give my FI a hug until almost 8:30 when the dance floor was opened and we were released from our thrones. That's NINE AND A HALF HOURS. 9.5 > 2, pretty easy math. 9.5 hours of my FI being bored out of his mind at an out of town wedding where he knew nobody. The reception ended at 10. I had 1.5 hours of being able to actually celebrate love with the person I love. And did I feel like an honored guest sitting at the head of the room, while knowing my partner was out there not being honored? NO.

PrettyGirlLost

lolo883 said:

For an added anecdote... I was a BM in a wedding a few weeks ago. My day with the bride started at 11am for hair and makeup. She hadn't planned lunch for us, so I ordered sandwiches delivered. We were due at the venue at 4pm for pictures and setting up the reception space (goodie). Ceremony started at 6pm, lasted approximately half an hour, immediately followed by more pictures. Then our grand entrance, heading straight for the head table for dinner. It's now approximately 7:30pm, and I have not seen my FI since 11am. He is seated at a table where he knows precisely zero people. The bride had TRIED to seat him with another BM's husband, who he had met the night before, but someone switched the place cards so she could sit with a friend she had met the night before. During dinner, I only got to chat with the bridesmaid to my right, since the MOH to my left was talking to the bride. I didn't get to actually give my FI a hug until almost 8:30 when the dance floor was opened and we were released from our thrones. That's NINE AND A HALF HOURS. 9.5 > 2, pretty easy math. 9.5 hours of my FI being bored out of his mind at an out of town wedding where he knew nobody. The reception ended at 10. I had 1.5 hours of being able to actually celebrate love with the person I love. And did I feel like an honored guest sitting at the head of the room, while knowing my partner was out there not being honored? NO.

FI was in an OOT wedding and I was not.  I had to kill time, alone, for about 8 hours before the ceremony started.  The positive was that the WP were seated with their SO's and families at this wedding.

FI and I were both in an OOT wedding last year.  My day with the bride started at 9am, and the ceremony wasn't until like 3pm.  The Bride had a head table, but I couldn't sit with my FI who was in the WP because all of the men were on one side and the women on the other ><

syoun1nj

My very patient husband attended an OOT wedding with me where he knew very few people. I left about 9 am for the rehearsal/getting ready. The wedding started at 4:30ish. I texted him and ran errands for us in a strange town (pantyhose! chalk!). He was a saint about it, too.He found a friend to hang out with pre ceremony and then we finally got to have dinner together and dance the night away. I'd say we were apart for about 8.5 hours. Did we crumple into little balls of tears from the separation? No. But we got to enjoy dinner, catch up, and enjoy the evening together.

I hate when people use the "Cant you be apart for an hour?" line. Sure I can. I do it 12 hours a day. And when I'm attending your event, as your guest, with my husband, we should be together. I can't think of any other social event, except, like, a key party, where a couple shows up together and is immediately ordered to separate and sit with strangers.

One of my bridesmaids REALLY wanted a head table which convinced my husband we should totally have one. She did not have an SO and was like "ugh they'll be fine they all know other people they can be apart." Not a damn chance. Once I explained to my husband we would not even BE at the "head table" with our friends, he was over it too. We went to a wedding and I said "Watch how long the bride and groom sit down at their table." We had a sweetheart table and spread our wedding party out so they could sit with their SOs and friends. 

ohannabelle

flantastic said:

ohannabelle said:

Okay. What on earth is a King Table? Did I miss this?

I just discovered it. Basically it's a large rectangular table (or set of tables made into a rectangle) where everyone sits. So instead of a head table in a line, it's a head table in a rectangle. A normal round table would work for this too. So you actually do get to talk to more than just the people on either side of you, unless you've got a billion people up there.

Like this wedding (click)

It looks like most people who do this include SOs at the table.

Yes, thanks, that's what I thought it was! I've always called it estate seating. I think it looks great. Very sharp, clean lines, takes up less space in a room. It would probably be a challenge with a large wedding, but for smaller groups, I think this is a really great option. Less cluttered than a bunch of round tables, less cafeteria like than rectangles. It works for me. My fave. I vote for this. If there's a vote.

PrettyGirlLost

syoun1nj said:

My very patient husband attended an OOT wedding with me where he knew very few people. I left about 9 am for the rehearsal/getting ready. The wedding started at 4:30ish. I texted him and ran errands for us in a strange town (pantyhose! chalk!). He was a saint about it, too.He found a friend to hang out with pre ceremony and then we finally got to have dinner together and dance the night away. I'd say we were apart for about 8.5 hours. Did we crumple into little balls of tears from the separation? No. But we got to enjoy dinner, catch up, and enjoy the evening together.

I hate when people use the "Cant you be apart for an hour?" line. Sure I can. I do it 12 hours a day. And when I'm attending your event, as your guest, with my husband, we should be together. I can't think of any other social event, except, like, a key party, where a couple shows up together and is immediately ordered to separate and sit with strangers.

One of my bridesmaids REALLY wanted a head table which convinced my husband we should totally have one. She did not have an SO and was like "ugh they'll be fine they all know other people they can be apart." Not a damn chance. Once I explained to my husband we would not even BE at the "head table" with our friends, he was over it too. We went to a wedding and I said "Watch how long the bride and groom sit down at their table." We had a sweetheart table and spread our wedding party out so they could sit with their SOs and friends. 

Amen to both points.

I know a PP here said she is doing a head table because her WP members want it, and so she can socialize and spend time with her WP. . . I just don't see how that is going to happen.  But good luck to you!

Of the 30+ weddings I have been in/to, the majority had a head table and the Bride and Groom were hardly ever seated for more than 5 minutes at a time before they ran off to do something, take a photo, talk to this person, etc.  Also, the Bride and Groom only ever socialized with the 2 people seated directly next to them.  They did not socialize or make any attempt to socialize with the rest of the WP that who were flanking them.

thisismynickname2

@nikkijay3333 "When we were considering a sweetheart table, our friends couldn't understand why they weren't important enough to us to want to share a meal and have some time with just them after the ceremony to celebrate."

I'm just pointing out that in no way did I ever felt like I shared a meal with the happy couple when I was a bridesmaid. Because Head Tables are normally in a long line, I find it harder to socialize with anyone in that format than if we were facing each other in a round or square (or King) table.  

I get what you're saying about showing that they're your nearest and dearest, but even as the Bride, you're only next to your spouse and your MOH during dinner. 

This is why I'm more a fan of King's tables, where you can seat all the nearest and dearest together in a format that is more conducive to socializing. 

lyndausvi

I just want to say that I enjoy helping out my friends.  I do not find being in a WP as a hardship.  It's just in my experience of being a BM that by the time the reception comes around I feel like I'm ready to be "off duty" so to speak or semi-off duty.  I want to be able to sit with my husband who I haven't seen all day.  

All the other guests didn't do half the stuff I did for this wedding and they get the courtesy, why can't I?    

Besides, again in my own experience, the SO of a WP does make some of their own sacrifices for the couple's wedding.   Often there is money, time and travel involved.  If you share finances it's THEIR money being used to fund being in the wedding.   Some budget sacrifices need made as a couple.    

if you have kids it means the non-WP member is having to take on more responsibility in order for their SO to be in the wedding.   I think it's rude to the SO who is also a guest to say "hey, your SO is going to be spending the next 6-7 hours with me. But that is not enough, I'm going to put you in the same room but separate you from one another for an hour or so because I want even more special time with them".

littlemushroom

@thisismynickname It won't be a "long line" of people.  There will be the person seated next to my FI and I and a person on that person's other side.  The ones on the outside aren't any farther away from us than they would be at a round table, and are likely closer.  FI's GM do not know the BM, and wouldn't be talking to them anyway.  Also, when we go out with two couples we are close with, there is always 3 people to a side, and talking around the middle person is never an issue.

The King table idea was nixed because the SOs of the bridal party didn't want to sit at a table that everyone would be looking at (mainly because that's where the bride and groom will be) while trying to corral their small children and infants.  One of the SOs spent his entire wedding reception outside the venue to avoid being the center of attention when he was the groom, so no way was he going to sit at a table with us at our wedding when all the people would be looking in his general direction (his words).

PrettyGirlLost

NikkiJay3333 said:

@thisismynickname It won't be a "long line" of people.  There will be the person seated next to my FI and I and a person on that person's other side.  The ones on the outside aren't any farther away from us than they would be at a round table, and are likely closer.  FI's GM do not know the BM, and wouldn't be talking to them anyway.  Also, when we go out with two couples we are close with, there is always 3 people to a side, and talking around the middle person is never an issue.

The King table idea was nixed because the SOs of the bridal party didn't want to sit at a table that everyone would be looking at (mainly because that's where the bride and groom will be) while trying to corral their small children and infants.  One of the SOs spent his entire wedding reception outside the venue to avoid being the center of attention when he was the groom, so no way was he going to sit at a table with us at our wedding when all the people would be looking in his general direction (his words).

Woah, that's really rude on his part. 

So he didn't do table visits or socialize with any of his guests?  He didn't spend any time with his new wife?

iloveotters2014

I was just thinking how my H and I are in my sister's wedding next year. I don't know for sure but I am fairly certain she will do a head table. Aren't head tables typically bridesmaids on one side and groomsman on the other? So that means my H and I will be at the same table but so far away I can't even wave at him. I'm really hoping she doesn't do that....I think that is almost worse than having him be out with the rest of the guests

lyndausvi

iloveotters2014 said:

I was just thinking how my H and I are in my sister's wedding next year. I don't know for sure but I am fairly certain she will do a head table. Aren't head tables typically bridesmaids on one side and groomsman on the other? So that means my H and I will be at the same table but so far away I can't even wave at him. I'm really hoping she doesn't do that....I think that is almost worse than having him be out with the rest of the guests

Possible.  I've been in weddings where is was like that.  Others ones went boy-girl-boy-girl.

My brother's HT was on a stage.  A stage too small for the WP. It went boy-girl-boy-girl.   I think it was my cousin's chair that fell off the stage when trying to maneuver so my sister could sit down.   I didn't have an SO at the time, so that part was not an issue.  Just the squeezed in, everyone watching you about to fall off the stage thing sucked.

theartistformerlyknownas

NikkiJay3333 said:

@thisismynickname It won't be a "long line" of people.  There will be the person seated next to my FI and I and a person on that person's other side.  The ones on the outside aren't any farther away from us than they would be at a round table, and are likely closer.  FI's GM do not know the BM, and wouldn't be talking to them anyway.  Also, when we go out with two couples we are close with, there is always 3 people to a side, and talking around the middle person is never an issue.

The King table idea was nixed because the SOs of the bridal party didn't want to sit at a table that everyone would be looking at (mainly because that's where the bride and groom will be) while trying to corral their small children and infants.  One of the SOs spent his entire wedding reception outside the venue to avoid being the center of attention when he was the groom, so no way was he going to sit at a table with us at our wedding when all the people would be looking in his general direction (his words).

First bolded: I'm sorry, but do you understand how geometry works? Have you ever eaten dinner at a round table before? With a round table, the guests who would otherwise be at the ends are now across the table from you. The round table draws people within your line of sight, and you can speak over it to everyone. Maybe they are still 6' away from you, but there's only flat table and some flowers between you and BM#4, rather than three other people's heads.

Second bolded: That's precisely the beauty of a King's table - you face EACH OTHER, not the masses. Same as any normal table. Anyone who chooses to look your direction may see the back of someone else's head, same as any normal table. You are no more "on display" than any other guest. If you want to face the entire room and be the center of attention where everyone gets an unobstructed view of you, that's your issue, not your WP's.

littlemushroom

@flantastic  As I have said, when I explained what a Sweetheart table was and that the party would be sitting with their SOs and kids at a regular table, they were upset.  They want to sit with us.  They don't understand why we wouldn't want to sit with them to celebrate after they bought a dress/rented a tux for the wedding.  They aren't doing that to be in a few pictures and stand up for 10 minutes during the ceremony.  They want to spend time with us without their kids pulling their attention and without other people pulling our attention.  FI's GM are out of town and won't be there early.  My matron of honor may not be able to be there as I am getting ready despite wanting to be.  Dinner is when they can get what they want.  They flat out said their SOs and kids will be fine at a table with friends while they eat with us. The SOs said the same thing.

@PrettyGirlLost  They did a receiving line immediately following the ceremony, so no table visits.  He and his new wife were barely together at all that day, except when she went out to see him and the kids.  He was outside with his 2 young kids watching them play.  His family and immediate friends figured out where he was and went and saw him periodically.  Otherwise, no he didn't socialize with anyone who didn't go out to where he was.  I thought it was rude too.

lyndausvi

I would be pretty pissed at my DH if said he preferred to sit with the couple so he didn't have deal with the kids and left them to me to take care of. Oh yeah, that would not fly with me at all. Your GM's SO must be a saint.

PrettyGirlLost

lyndausvi said:

I would be pretty pissed at my DH if said he preferred to sit with the couple so he didn't have deal with the kids and left them to me to take care of. Oh yeah, that would not fly with me at all. Your GM's SO must be a saint.

Perhaps it would be easier if these people left their kids at home for the night?

littlemushroom

@lolo883  I understand geometry perfectly.  Even took the advanced class.  I don't talk to people on the opposite side of a round table because they are so far away I have to shout.  I do talk to a person sitting one person away from me at a rectangle table.  I talk to a person one person away from me at a round table too.  Since that is as far away as people are getting from the middle of the rectangle, there is no issue.

As for the second, his issue is that people will be looking his way.  The idea of eyes on the back of his head is not comforting.  The idea of people watching his kids be kids and mess around is also not comforting.  The fact that he won't be staring at a sea of people does not make him feel better.  Not to mention the attention of the entire room would be focused on the King's table during toasts, the blessing, and whatnot.  At no point is the entire hall's attention focused on a random guest table, it is only the bride and groom's table where attention is drawn purposefully.  He wants a table in the corner away from us where he won't be as noticed and his kids can be kids without bothering others.  As my guest and my friend, I care about his comfort and am giving him what he wants.

littlemushroom

@lyndausvi  The SOs don't look at the wedding any differently than any other time either wants to go out with a few friends for some adult time while the other stays home with the kids.  Each parent gets adult time with friends, so this is their partner's turn to spend time with friends without the kids.

MobKaz

lolo883 said:

I don't really see where Ndelible has much room to squawk about what a wedding is and is not about considering she's not actually planning a wedding, but a PPD. Your opinions on etiquette are invalid.

The WP is special to us. Their SOs are special to them which means by extension, they're special to us. If the WP should continue to be honored with special seating at the reception (which I personally think they should), their SOs need to be with them. To me, it's not at all about whether they can bear to be apart for a few more hours. It's because as the invited guest of a WP member, they are a guest of honor.




Really?  Well, then following her logic, shouldn't she sit separate from her husband as well?

lyndausvi

NikkiJay3333 said:

@lolo883  I understand geometry perfectly.  Even took the advanced class.  I don't talk to people on the opposite side of a round table because they are so far away I have to shout.  I do talk to a person sitting one person away from me at a rectangle table.  I talk to a person one person away from me at a round table too.  Since that is as far away as people are getting from the middle of the rectangle, there is no issue.

As for the second, his issue is that people will be looking his way.  The idea of eyes on the back of his head is not comforting.  The idea of people watching his kids be kids and mess around is also not comforting.  The fact that he won't be staring at a sea of people does not make him feel better.  Not to mention the attention of the entire room would be focused on the King's table during toasts, the blessing, and whatnot.  At no point is the entire hall's attention focused on a random guest table, it is only the bride and groom's table where attention is drawn purposefully.  He wants a table in the corner away from us where he won't be as noticed and his kids can be kids without bothering others.  As my guest and my friend, I care about his comfort and am giving him what he wants.

I agree with you on this point. I would have done the same.  

  I just do not agree that because of this one SO you need to do it for all the WP.     There is nothing stopping you putting him in the corner where he wants and having the rest of the WP with their SOs.    It does not have to be an all or nothing thing.  Especially when dealing with someone as extreme as that SO.

lyndausvi

NikkiJay3333 said:

@lyndausvi  The SOs don't look at the wedding any differently than any other time either wants to go out with a few friends for some adult time while the other stays home with the kids.  Each parent gets adult time with friends, so this is their partner's turn to spend time with friends without the kids.

Depending on the age of the kids the mere fact that the other parent is in the room with set a kid off.  They see the parent so they want to be with that parent. Especially when it comes to moms.  Some kids go crazy if they can see their mom, but not be with the mom.   

   Then add in that it's a new environment, fancy food and chairs and such.  It's often way harder on the remaining parent then if the other parent just left the house for the night.    

 Out of sight out of mind type thing.  I've seen kids go crazy when their mom was a BM at a ceremony.   They just keep screaming for their mom.   Only removing them from sight of their parent is the only thing that calms them down.  If there are multiple kids it gets even more difficult. 

Senecaf

Kids are a good point against HTs. 2 of my BMs are married to 2 of FIs GM and both couples have children. FI's best man is a single dad. If we had a head table who would watch all of these children?

I understand every situation is diffeerent but I find it quite inconsiderate to break up couples for dinner.

littlemushroom

@lyndausvi  It wasn't just for that one SO that we decided for everyone to do the head table.  The other 2 SOs also requested not to be at the bride and groom's table.  One without kids wanted to sit with her other friends rather than at a King table with her SO where he is the only one she knew.  The other with kids also prefers to be with other family and away from all the action so her 4 month old won't disturb anyone if he starts to fuss.  When we discussed the option of the sweetheart table with all the SOs, they all thought that was stupid (again no one in my circle has heard of or seen these other things) and all commented that their SO in the party would be so disappointed not to sit with us.  Each one suggested the head table and couldn't understand why we were worried about them.

The parents believe there won't be issues with the kids seeing them at another table.  Three of the kids are old enough to understand what's going on and will be busy playing with the other kids and activities provided for them.  Two of the kids will be at a table with mom and grandma and the other three will be at a table with both grandmas, their favorite uncle and their dad. Grandmas will be seated at the same table as the kids by the grandmas' requests.

Besides, the seating is to respect what the parents want.  If at the time the kids decide they desperately want the parent who wanted to sit with us, the kids can either come up with us or the parent can leave the head table.  We didn't really care how the seating ended up as long as our best friends were happy. This is about their comfort and preferences.

Ndelible

Where on earth did anyone get the idea that I am having two wedding ceremonies? And even if I was, why would my opinion be less valid than anyone else's? I think I've figured out what this crying about a few buzz words is. You all do realize that you are stating an opinion. There are no laws or ordinances backing up this shit. I've seen it now several times; these rules make you feel better than someone who doesn't follow them. I'll address this other crap later - not on a tablet, where I can't bold, underline and Italian just how silly some of you are being.

PrettyGirlLost

Ndelible said:

Where on earth did anyone get the idea that I am having two wedding ceremonies? And even if I was, why would my opinion be less valid than anyone else's? I think I've figured out what this crying about a few buzz words is. You all do realize that you are stating an opinion. There are no laws or ordinances backing up this shit. I've seen it now several times; these rules make you feel better than someone who doesn't follow them. I'll address this other crap later - not on a tablet, where I can't bold, underline and Italian just how silly some of you are being.

Oh boy, I can hardly wait!

Ndelible

No, but that is crap to say that someone's opinion is invalid on something decided by a few. A few whiny and nasty folk, I might add. Additionally, said pronouncement is flat wrong. So opinions can almost never be right with incorrect assumptions. And you do know what they say about assumptions, don't you?

Ndelible

Didn't feel like powering up the old laptop, so no paragraph tablet it is. I'll start with the accusation of planning two ceremonies, as that is an assumption made by some that is what I am doing. Nothing is further from the truth. I'm getting married for the second time (the other was over 20 years ago in Germany) next year. One ceremony, different man and looking forward to our life together. What I have and will continue to do is defend the right of a couple to celebrate their union in ways that they choose. I have only one issue with those who do choose to marry civilly and then again in another way; that they do not lie. I don't see any reason to hide it. Otherwise, if all is transparent, celebrate away! Next, I have not defended HTs because I don't like them. I also don't care for several round tables. As I stated in my original post on this thread, I feel like it separates people. I am more of a blender. I like folks to mix. We are doing a combo of long tables in some kind of close proximity. What I find especially distasteful are the opinions passed off on many of these boards that might make someone think what their social group finds acceptable somehow wrong. Etiquette is opinion. Period. The social group decides. It does not always mean courteous, although it can. For anyone wondering, the "proper" way to fold a napkin was someone's opinion way back when.

Ndelible

And it is amusing to be accused of being a horrible hostess and I dunno, a terrible person and kindness is the golden rule when many of you fail to see how shrewish you come off in your posts. Start with being kind to strangers... On the internet no less.

JCbride2015

Ndelible said:

And it is amusing to be accused of being a horrible hostess and I dunno, a terrible person and kindness is the golden rule when many of you fail to see how shrewish you come off in your posts. Start with being kind to strangers... On the internet no less.

Calling Knotties whiny, nasty, and shrewish for advocating good hosting doesn't seem to be living up to your recommendations for internet behavior.

artbyallie

Ndelible said:

And it is amusing to be accused of being a horrible hostess and I dunno, a terrible person and kindness is the golden rule when many of you fail to see how shrewish you come off in your posts. Start with being kind to strangers... On the internet no less.

Well, it's not kind to make people sit apart from their spouses/SOs/dates at an event about a romantic relationship.

Ndelible said:

And it is amusing to be accused of being a horrible hostess and I dunno, a terrible person and kindness is the golden rule when many of you fail to see how shrewish you come off in your posts. Start with being kind to strangers... On the internet no less.

beachyone15

artbyallie said:

Ndelible said:

And it is amusing to be accused of being a horrible hostess and I dunno, a terrible person and kindness is the golden rule when many of you fail to see how shrewish you come off in your posts. Start with being kind to strangers... On the internet no less.

Well, it's not kind to make people sit apart from their spouses/SOs/dates at an event about a romantic relationship.

Ndelible said:

And it is amusing to be accused of being a horrible hostess and I dunno, a terrible person and kindness is the golden rule when many of you fail to see how shrewish you come off in your posts. Start with being kind to strangers... On the internet no less.

Agreed. I mean, this is the whole point right??! You are at a social event (at any other social event you seat SOs next to each other) and you are celebrating a marriage. An event which involves the cementing of a couple. Why would you separate the other couples you invite?