Florida-Central Florida

Mother Not Happy About Engagement

Hey girls!

So I've been dating my fiancé for 5 1/2 years, we bought a house at the beginning of the year (a fixer upper) and began fixing our house. I am 25 years old in grad school (finish in Nov) and am currently contemplating on moving with my fiancé to Florida next year (for a better life).

My mother & fiancé have always had this little love & hate relation (mostly hate), my mother and I don't also have the greatest relationship either; even though I currently still live at her house and I 'am very respectful towards her wishes even if I do not agree.

 So, I 'am currently on vacation visiting my dad in Florida, and a month later my boyfriend (not fiancé yet at this point), and the day after he arrived he proposed  I was very happy and so excited. My father, fiancé and I celebrated that day, I was thinking about holding off the news till I got back home at Puerto Rico but you know the excitement got to me and I decided to call her and tell her, I didn't want her to feel bad so I told her it happened that day. The moment I told her she immediately shot me down; "Oh, I' am not happy about this", "I don't have to like your ring, you do", "You are not doing the right thing", etc. 

At this point I cannot believe what I am hearing! I am about to finish grad school, only had a serious boyfriend which btw just proposed, I am somewhat independent...like what else do you want from me??? So I stopped her right there (no disrespecting at all) and said excuse me? I do not know where this is coming from, what do you mean? And her answer was about being sexually active before marriage and not doing things right like her. And please let me point out she moved in with my father before they had me and got eloped when I was 4yrs old; also she currently has a partner which she started dating the around the same time I started dating my fiancé.

I seriously do not know how to handle this situation, we have not spoken since this happened and I have no interest in calling her up either (avoiding drama); also I have not posted anything on any social media. Only my close friends and parent know I'm engaged. Ever since the incident happened I feel so sad and kinda guilty (no idea why) about my engagement.

I could really use some words of advice. Thanks girls!

 

Re: Mother Not Happy About Engagement

  • edited July 2014
    Sometimes mothers want what they think is best for their daughters - and sometimes they get overinvested in their lives.  They want their daughters to live the life they wish they lived.  She probably wishes she hadn't had premarital sex and so forth, so she wants you to make the same decision. But it sounds like your dad is on board, and it seems like if your fiancee were really a creep, I'm thinking that your dad would say something.  If I were in your shoes, I'd consider talking with my dad about it to get his perspective on your mom's reaction.  

    That being said, weddings and engagements sometimes bring things out of people that you don't expect.  I can relate because my mother some really hurtful things to me because she didn't want me to get married to my fiancee.  She kept trying to plant seeds of doubt in my mind about him, over and over and over again.  I couldn't understand what was happening until one day she got mad at me because I asked her for help (just putting stuff on tables the day before the reception).  It was then that she revealed her true feelings about how she saw me.  I was floored when I thought of all of the times in my life that I'd gone out of my way to help her, to show her how much I loved her, and so forth.  I cried for days, it hurt so badly.  I have since forgiven her, but I no longer confide in her or trust her with my heart.  I had to adjust my relationship with her.  Ultimately, this was a great thing because I'm not longer controlled by what she wants me to be.  I'm ok with that now because I realize that she is just a person with an opinion, nothing more and nothing less.  

    And so many people stepped forward to support us - people that we did not expect! Wow :)  And there are so many people willing to help!  When I think about that I am overwhelmed at the goodness of God in this situation.  I'm truly thankful. 

    That being said, you can honor your mother by inviting her to the wedding, but you don't have to spend time talking with her about the wedding or your fiancee.  If she tries to harp on bad things about your fiancee, don't let her.  You can do this without being rude or disrespectful, but you do have to be firm.  Do not put him down in front of her, don't contact her if you have a fight, if you have doubts do not talk with her - find someone else objective and trustworthy. And don't expect her to suddenly be happy for you or to want to participate.  

    At the same time, you can help your fiancee respect your mother also by not saying bad things about her in front of him.  They don't have to love each other, but they should respect one another.

    If you do these things you'll be happy instead of miserable.  And you should be happy during this time!  In a strange way, this can be a blessing because it will start to separate you and your hubby-to-be from her and her opinions. This can actually be good for your marriage in the long term - especially if she is prone to meddle or to disrespect your fiancee.  The last thing you want is marital problems because of your mother.
      
    MsMoraga
  • Thank you so much for your advice...  A few days after she called and apologized for her reaction and said she was happy for our engagement (but didn't really explain why she had this reaction).

    Either way, I totally agree with your point that: "this could benefit my future marriage in a positive way". 

    I'm planning to elope, so in a way this also reduces the amount of drama that could evolve if we had  a wedding.


    Once again thank you for your advice ChantelWilliam

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