Interfaith Jewish wedding plans- HELP! (aka, I need to vent)

lilangel181

Hello everyone,

My FI and I have just started planning an interfaith Jewish wedding in Mid-Michigan.  I was raised reform and he once described himself as "generic Christian", though on a personal level we both skew towards agnostic.  He and I agree on lots of things regarding religion, but my parents are paying for the entire wedding (for which we are SO GRATEFUL!) so even though they live 800 miles away we are honoring their wishes and having a Jewish ceremony, even though what we WANT is pretty secular.  Between the two of us we have family coast to coast, and in picking a wedding date needed to contend with high school and college graduations, his brother's pending military deployment overseas, my brother's role in his friend's wedding, weather (we want to hold it in FI family's apple orchard), etc... so we chose Memorial Day Weekend, 2015.  

The Problem?  Shavuot starts sundown Saturday!  We've found a wonderful rabbi who is willing to work with our personal belief that the need for family to be capable of attending should outweigh the custom barring weddings that day.  If the rabbi is willing to officiate on Sunday, do my parents have the right to say "absolutely not, we forbid it"?  No amount of explaining seems to get this point across to them!  At what point does the line between "it's our wedding and this is what we choose" blur with "we're paying for it, we have absolute veto power"?  It's not just the date... they've also vetoed the orchard without seeing it for being too impractical, and have decided any rabbi willing to officiate on a holiday isn't a 'real' rabbi...

Is this reasonable??  Am I overreacting?? 

Thanks everyone!

MegEn1

A lot of people here will say "He who pays, says." This differs from the family cutting you a check and saying, "Here is a gift toward paying for your wedding." The rule applies for families that are literally paying for everything, sometimes even signing the contracts for these things. 

If these parents are paying for everything, they have the right to withhold their money if you want to go a different route. In that case, I would recommend you and you FI save up enough to pay for the things you really want. The response then is to say, "Parents, thank you for your generous offer to pay for our wedding. But we want to make sure we're putting in what we can too, since it is our wedding, so we want to cover our own venue." 

No matter what, if you deviate too far from 'their vision', be prepared for them to pull all funding. It is their money and they have the right to do what they please with it. Also, if you are argumentative over the funds, that is definitely rude. Discussion should be carefully thought out before being brought up so you don't look grabby and crude. Be prepared to back up your request/recommendation with reasons why it's a better idea.

Personally, I think if someone offers to pay for a wedding but then dictates the whole thing with no give-and-take, it's a bit rude because they are paying for YOUR wedding, not their own, and they should be sensitive to that when they make the offer. But that is my personal opinion and knotties all over will disagree with me.

Bottom line: They are paying for the wedding, not making a gift of the money. If chipping in for the items you want isn't doable, you may need to consider a smaller, private affair that you can afford or having the wedding that they want to pay for. 

Best of luck. 

Lauderdale Pink

Honestly, I think there is more to this situation than meets the eye. Have your parents given you any push back regarding marrying out of your faith? That is what this really seems like. If you were raised in a reform synagogue, then Shavuot was not a holiday that was observed with the strictness of say, Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur. Many who practice Judaism in the reform movement may not even know what Shavuot is. That is not being insulting, I just think that standing firm on a holiday that is seldom noted, outside of Orthodox communities, is more that what meets the eye.

lilangel181

My parents lean more conservative, and I do have several orthodox cousins (who are invited out of love and respect but we didn't expect to attend anyway).  Growing up I got flack whenever I dated outside the faith but I'm almost 30 and they have since come to the realization that this is what I choose for myself.  Plus, they genuinely love Mike and think we are wonderful together.  I suspect they are torn between their desire for me to be more religious, and the reality of it.

We've given in on the date, and pushed back two weeks to June 7th (missing apple blossom season entirely!) but are holding firm on our desire to incorporate the family orchard in some way even if not for the ceremony.  We also want this particular Rabbi to officiate because he is wonderful about working with our combined religious backgrounds whereas other Rabbis have given resistance or set conditions.  Plus, we just plain like him!  

The phone call relaying this all to my parents will probably be tonight.  Hopefully they see it as a good compromise, because it is all we are willing to give.  Especially about the Rabbi, Mike and I have decided this is not something anyone else should get a vote on.

~ Laura

lilangel181

Thank you all for the support and letting me vent about it.  Compromise has been reached and everyone is happy again!

Lauderdale Pink

Glad all is working out.  I never expected my daughter to marry out of the Jewish faith, and it was not an easy process to get me and my husband to accept the relationship.  Long story short, they are happily married, the orthodox end did not attend the wedding (and I have nothing to do with them anymore) and my son-in-law is a wonderful husband.  So, all's well that ends well.