pressure to lose weight

cambryn

I keep getting pressure from my family to lose weight for my wedding. It's Novmber 15th- so I only have about 110 days or so, and I'm freaking out.

I think I'm pretty, and so do my friends and fiance- but my family keeps telling me how I'd 'look so much better if I lost about 15 pounds.'

It makes me feel like a cow. This has been an ongoing issue since I was about 12 or 13. I was never overweight at that time- but I am definitely built stockier than my mother and grandmother. My granny had a 17 inch waist when she married, and my mom was exceptionally naturally thin too. When I see pictures of them from their youth, even at age 3 I'm just built differently from them- they are naturally slim, and I'm naturally a bit chubby. I'm 5 foot 1 but super busty- which my grandmother loves to criticize as she hates big breasts.

I DID gain too much weight about 6 years ago- but have since lost 25 pounds and am healthy again.

I was feeling so confident, and even my doctor was like 'well done! You're at a great weight again!'

But that's just not enough for my family.

I keep asking them to stop pressuring me to lose weight, but they just won't stop. 

They sometimes try to be 'subtle' by saying that THEY need to lose weight for the wedding. "I'm just so fat, and want to look good in the photos." or "Let's work out together! I want to be slim for the wedding! Photos add ten pounds!"

I just don't know how to make it stop, but at this point I'm getting depressed- and when I'm depressed I stress eat- making me gain extra pounds I'll be criticized over.

I'm just getting seriously down and am at a loss as to how to stop them, other than lose a ton of weight. 

Any advice would be great! 

I know I'm being a bit of a 'woe is me' bride to be- but feh, this IS the wedding woes forum.

VarunaTT

You know, there are times that this:

http://youtu.be/IhxXmOc5jhc

is an appropriate response to people in your life.  You're healthy, full stop.  Give them a Ho Sit Down and STFU card and move on.  I know it's hard to ignore shit like that, but if you've been asking politely, something a bit more forceful might be necessary.

emmyg65

Wow, your family is a bunch of assholes. I'd start setting up some boundaries. "My weight isn't up for discussion." And then change the subject/leave the room/get off the phone. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

debbeau

I feel for you. Growing up my father's nickname for me was "crisco" fat in the can and always told to lose weight. I lost some weight and am happy at a normal size. It really helped when friends and FI would counter back with comments about how I looked great and ask him why he would say things like that. Good luck.

*Barbie*

that sucks. I'd agree with PP that you need to shut them down "I'm happy at my current weight. end of discussion" - walk away/hang up the phone/etc. 

for the people who try to be all sly that "they" need to lose weight -  i'd say you should agree with them and wish them luck.

example conversation:

Asshole: "Man, @cambryn, I've been feeling really out of shape. I'm going to try to lose 10 lbs so i can look good in your wedding pics. want to work out with me?"

@cambryn: " Thanks for the offer, but I'm happy at my current weight. You have been looking pretty flabby/puffy lately - you should probably get to the gym ASAP!"

another option:

Asshole: "Man, @cambryn, I've been feeling really out of shape. I'm going to try to lose 10 lbs so i can look good in your wedding pics. want to work out with me?"

@cambryn: "Oh! I noticed you had gained weight - but I just thought you were pregnant and not telling anyone yet! You probably should get to the gym - I think I'll pass."

MegEn1

As an overweight person all my life (now finally getting it under control, yay) I can't STAND when family members, friends, or strangers comment on a person's weight 'for their own good.'

So my responses are very, very confrontational. I would tell them not to come to the wedding if they don't want to see me, as I am, as a bride.

I would tell them my doctor says I'm healthy, and they can come back to me when they get their MDs.

I would tell them that I lost weight, and point out my favorite parts of myself, and say things like 'Look at how tight my tush is now!' Since most people actually can't tell the difference between 15lbs in one direction or the other, eventually they'll start complimenting you too and being proud of you.

Or I would just tell them that their constant nagging is making me not enjoy my upcoming wedding at all, and while you may be 15lbs overweight you would never stoop so low as to try so hard to ruin a bride's wedding day.

But again, when it comes to nagging about weight and beating down someone's self-esteem  because of it, I'm pretttyyyyyy in-your-face. So that's just me.

GBCK

this is a place for the patented "wow"
practice in front of a mirror.  Make the single word say "it's amazing you're saying that without being ironic".  say "wow" turn on your heel and walk away.
Or say 'wow', let it hang there as they stammer, and then take mercy and bring up something unrelated..."So, amazing weather we're having now, eh?  polar vortex in summer is awesome!"

GBCK

also patented "If you'll forgive me for not answering that, I'll forgive you for asking/saying it", again w an immediate change of subject if you want to be nice.

hmonkey

"gotta go, pizza's here!"

beachyone15

Sorry your family is being so rude. That's awful. I would try to focus on how you feel about yourself and how your FI feels. I'm sure he loves you just the way you are! Who cares what anyone else thinks!

baconsmom

I'm a fan of "Wow. You said that out loud." 

I'm also a fan of getting up and leaving the room. I'm fat. I've been fat. My mother put me on my first diet at age 5, so guess what! I got even fatter! 

She, on the other hand, was naturally slim and on top of that has had an eating disorder most of her adult life. It took a while for me to throw off what she put on me, but I did, and after that, I simply told her that my body was never, ever up for discussion. 

It took a few times of me just getting up in the middle of a conversation for her to really get that I wouldn't let her harangue me about something that had nothing to do with her and wasn't any of her business. But once she did, she did. She's great now. I mean, I still have to tune out her diet talk or change the subject (or, and this one works beautifully, point out that her granddaughter is listening, and doesn't need to hear that shit.), but it's always pointed back at her now, and never at me. 

It doesn't matter what size you are, if you lost weight or didn't or if you're healthy or not. You are a human being who no doubt knows exactly what's going on with your own body, and you deserve to live in that body as you choose without being subjected to this shit. Stand up for yourself. You'll feel better, and I guarantee your relationships will get better when you're all able to talk about anything but your "faulty" bodies. 

Ndelible

Acceptance of one's self is the first step in being able to banish such insensitive comments and behavior.  Love yourself.  Admire yourself.  Think of their comments as reflections of them, not you.  Practice saying that you love you everyday.  I find that affirmations are one of the best ways to go - first thing in the morning, before you get out of bed and the last thing at night.  You can say them in your head.  I also do it in the car when I am alone to say it out loud.

You are precious and beautiful.  Own it lady!

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

debbeau said:

I feel for you. Growing up my father's nickname for me was "crisco" fat in the can and always told to lose weight. I lost some weight and am happy at a normal size. It really helped when friends and FI would counter back with comments about how I looked great and ask him why he would say things like that. Good luck.

To the bolded: That is fucking terrible.  So glad others supported you.  My god...

Body confidence is super important OP.  The girls here have some great comebacks.  Deflect, deflect, deflect!

You KNOW you are pretty and it is your body.  Chin up.  I find family can be the harshest critics....

camillechat

Just chiming in in support of the OP. My mom keeps telling me she is concerned about my pre-wedding weight, when in fact I've told her I am in perfect health (per my MD and all screenings). I have told her never to discuss my weight ever again. She brought it up again two days later and I just ignored her and changed the subject. It is hard, but we shouldn't have to put up with anyone's judgment of our bodies, especially our own parents. It's so insulting to be told what you look like when, hello, it's our bodies, of course we know what we look like! And they have no idea how we feel, or how they're hurting our happiness. What's important is that we are marrying the people we love. Full stop. Good luck to you.

Fran1985

I know an easy way to lose a couple hundred pounds...

 

Seriously that's terrible. I would have a serious conversation about it- it seems like its past the point where you can just imply that they are being rude. I would say "Mom/Dad/Uncle/Whoever - I've asked you to stop talking about my weight. Now it seems like you are always bringing up your weight. I don't care what weight I or anyone else is at my wedding, and I don't want it mentioned again." And then you follow through- they mention it on the phone, you say "Ok, I am going to hang up now." They say it in person, you leave the room.

cambryn

Hey gals,

Thanks so much for all the good advice and supportive words.

My fiance has been incredibly supportive, and my friends as well. 

I've been doing the 'ok, gotta go-' whenever they start- and so far it's working ok. We'll see. Trying to stay confident and happy.

mrsmorales2be

Bean dip the hell out of them every time this conversation comes up.  What they're doing is tacky and rude as hell, hurtful, and definitely in no way helpful.

*Barbie*

mrsmorales2be said:

Bean dip the hell out of them every time this conversation comes up.  What they're doing is tacky and rude as hell, hurtful, and definitely in no way helpful.

I think in this case, talking about bean dip too much will only exacerbate the problem of people commenting on her weight. "You know, if you weren't so obsessed with bean dip, you could probably drop 10lbs in time for the wedding."

kerbohl

*Barbie* said:

mrsmorales2be said:

Bean dip the hell out of them every time this conversation comes up.  What they're doing is tacky and rude as hell, hurtful, and definitely in no way helpful.

I think in this case, talking about bean dip too much will only exacerbate the problem of people commenting on her weight. "You know, if you weren't so obsessed with bean dip, you could probably drop 10lbs in time for the wedding."

Just loving this is not enough - you are awesome.