Would you be mad if I addressed your invite this way?

climbingsingle

People. It doesn't stop. If I didn't need my hair on my wedding day, I'd start pulling it out. 

FI races sailboats. He insisted we invite his sailing buddies. This has been a HUGE point of contention. One guy is 85 years old. I've met him once and have never met his wife. I sent them an invite and addressed it like this:

Mr. Robert & Mrs. Jill Brown 

It's a perfectly acceptable way to address an invite to a married couple. However, Robert did not like that. In fact, it bothered him so much, that when he saw my FI last night for sailing, he brought it up. He wanted his invite addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Robert Brown. 

So, when FI got home last night, he asked me how I addressed the envelope. I asked why. He said, "Oh, Bob said when he received the invite, he wasn't sure who it was being sent to. He said you did it wrong."

Huh? 

Being the sarcastic jerk I am, I said, "Oh, I sent it to Mr. and Mrs. Shithead. Was I not supposed to address it like that?"

Seriously guys. You receive a wedding invite and your first thought it to be annoyed by how it's addressed? And then you need to bring it up to the groom? What the actual fuck? 

AddieCake

Yeah, that's fucking stupid.

vk2204

He is just an old man who is living in the past

One of my best friends received an invite for her an her bf addressed to:

Mr. Guy Lastname and Sue

Her last name is kind of difficult, but not only is it on Facebook, we went to MS and HS with the couple and I know they have at least one yearbook they could look in. She was pretty upset about it.

theartistformerlyknownas

I mean...I don't think it's "proper" to separate a man's first name from his last, but that's a totally sexist rule. He's only mad cuz he's 85.

climbingsingle

See, I totally feel that leaving out the wife's name is sexist. Why does she not get any identity? I hate addressing things to Mr. & Mrs. Bob Brown. Blech. 

But regardless of his feelings, he should have kept his mouth shut. Cranky old dude. Now I'm even more annoyed that he's invited. 

southernbelle0915

Technically it is incorrect. His reaction, however, paints him in a worse picture. 

The "Mr. and Mrs. Robert William Smith" thing really grinds my gears, though. Oh, Mrs. Smith changed her name to Robert in addition to changing her last name? AND she took his middle name, too?! Wow. I had no idea. I know it's not really like that, but I think it's stupid.

We addressed ours Mr. and Mrs. Smith for the most part. For some older guests who we knew were traditional, I sucked it up and addressed the traditional way because I knew they'd appreciate it. Especially for DH's Colonel grandpa and his wife/DH's grandma. 

okulew29

I've gotten invites to FI's two cousins weddings... i think one said mr FI and Ms Me... the other said Mr FI and guest... and yes i had met them, i stayed at their house for a few nights with FI and a few months later i still got guest..

There was no point in getting angry about something so silly... he should be happy hes invited

Senecaf

That's really freaking petty. As long as I know it is for me I don't care what is on the invite. Unless it's some personal dig at me I hardly even notice proper or not.

ElcaB

The only addressed wedding invite that would piss me off is one that excluded FI. 

Who in the world CARES about this crap?

larrygaga

No, but I'm like 12 and I don't know all the letter etiquette. 

I know I will have lots of research and mom-phoning to do about invites.

What do I know is old people. Some will pitch a fit over nothing just for the sake of pitching a fit.

climbingsingle

I know I need to get over it, but I'm just so annoyed that they're coming. 

My grandma is 93 and she'd NEVER comment on something like that. Ever. 

WinstonsGirl

I wouldn't care, but I'd just be happy to be going to a wedding.  That said, he's from a generation that did things a certain way and that I believe had more emphasis on social niceties, if that's a good way of describing it.  I'd make note of it for thank you cards, if that's how they preferred to be addressed.  

theartistformerlyknownas

ClimbingBrideNY said:

See, I totally feel that leaving out the wife's name is sexist. Why does she not get any identity? I hate addressing things to Mr. & Mrs. Bob Brown. Blech. 

But regardless of his feelings, he should have kept his mouth shut. Cranky old dude. Now I'm even more annoyed that he's invited. 

Totally agree. We addressed StDs "Jane and John Smith" to get around that. Chicks keep their name, I don't have to fuck around with titles, man's name stays connected because WHATEVER, but I did bite the bullet on the formal invites and do it "right." For the known feminists though, we did "Ms Jane Smith and Mr John Smith."

The world generally could stand a lesson in shutthefuckupitude.

theartistformerlyknownas

flantastic said:

lolo883 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

See, I totally feel that leaving out the wife's name is sexist. Why does she not get any identity? I hate addressing things to Mr. & Mrs. Bob Brown. Blech. 

But regardless of his feelings, he should have kept his mouth shut. Cranky old dude. Now I'm even more annoyed that he's invited. 

Totally agree. We addressed StDs "Jane and John Smith" to get around that. Chicks keep their name, I don't have to fuck around with titles, man's name stays connected because WHATEVER, but I did bite the bullet on the formal invites and do it "right." For the known feminists though, we did "Ms Jane Smith and Mr John Smith."

The world generally could stand a lesson in shutthefuckupitude.

Yeah. In FMIL's friend guest list she provided the "how to address the envelope" line, which was helpful because she knows how these people prefer to be addressed. Most are the traditional way. But for everyone else I plan to do what Lolo did if possible.

I wish mine had done that. FBIL thankfully caught a few more doctors than I knew about when I sent the list to FSIL for shower invitations. Still got some people's NAMES SPELLED WRONG so I guess the titles are secondary to that.

Maggie0829

Yeah it isn't the proper way to address a married couple with the same last name but if you had addressed it the proper way then you may have gotten a "You did it wrong! How dare you eliminate my wife's first name!" reaction.

In this day and age I really think it is a lose lose thing when it comes to addressing envelopes. Some people prefer the traditional way others prefer a more modern approach so you will eventually piss someone off a long the way.

But for me, as long as you spell my name right I really don't care how you address something to me.  I look at the envelope for approximately 1 second to see which names are listed and then it goes in the trash.  I have more important things to concern myself with then how something is addressed to me.

ashleyep

For my cousin's wedding, she addressed the invites in some variation of what you mentioned. My aunt ended up being really offended that it wasn't addressed to Mr. and Mrs. His Name. So weird, I don't care how it's addressed as long as I know it's invited. I get why the Mr. and Mrs. His Name is offensive, but it doesn't bother me. Especially if it's only done on formal invitations. Fine, you did it the "right" way, I'm not going to judge you for it.

For all of the older folks I did Mr. and Mrs. His Name. For my generation I did Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe. I modified the escort cards based on what people wrote on their response card. So some younger married couples replied as Mr. and Mrs. His Name so I did their escort card that way.

climbingsingle

I'm changing his first name to Jerkface on the place card. 

AddieCake

Yeah, the addressing thing is ridiculous. I don't give a shit (just one @ohannabelle‌) how something is addressed to my husband and I as long as it's spelled correctly. Who has time to analyze envelope wording? It's like caring about song lyrics of songs played at weddings. Pointless.

KatieinBkln

What a loser. Like so many people, he needs a hobby.

Just throwing my hat in that I secretly enjoy addressing things the formal/old fashioned way ever since my mother taught me to address thank you cards to my grandparents as "Dr. and Mrs. Grandpa Lastname" and to my aunt and uncle as "The Doctors Lastname." Basically, I really enjoyed the way Dr. is inserted into the formula. I can see how it's irritating to be considered "Mrs. Hisname Lastname" but I guess overall I don't mind. It's just one of those old holdovers. I think it would bug me more if we were more of a letter-writing culture, but since letter-writing itself is so old school, I don't totally mind that the traditional addressing is old school, too. 

But then, I've never minded the patrilineal as much as the patriarchal. I quite enjoyed when my mom told me the story of when she was in college (in the 70s, hooray second wave!) and a girl declared, "I'm not going to take some man's name." To which my mother replied, "Whose name do you think you have now?" I guess names don't get my ire up as much as actually being treated like shit because of my ovaries.

thisismynickname2

southernbelle0915 said:

Technically it is incorrect. His reaction, however, paints him in a worse picture. 

The "Mr. and Mrs. Robert William Smith" thing really grinds my gears, though. Oh, Mrs. Smith changed her name to Robert in addition to changing her last name? AND she took his middle name, too?! Wow. I had no idea. I know it's not really like that, but I think it's stupid.

We addressed ours Mr. and Mrs. Smith for the most part. For some older guests who we knew were traditional, I sucked it up and addressed the traditional way because I knew they'd appreciate it. Especially for DH's Colonel grandpa and his wife/DH's grandma. 

STUCK IN BOX

All of this, particularly the bolded.  I'm ok with the tradition for the purpose of invitations as it saves space.  However, I like to attend events that have benefactors and donors. I always scan the list of people and whenever there's a Women's Board, I definitely notice the variety of names.  Mrs. Jane Smith, Mrs. John Smith, Jane Smith, Ms Jane Smith.  "Mrs. John Smith" seriously rubs me the wrong way in this example because it is a list of women on the Board. She can't even use her own name?  Seriously antiquated. 

climbingsingle

flantastic said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I'm changing his first name to Jerkface on the place card. 

I was hoping he'd be so offended that he wouldn't come.

Ha! If only! They filled out their RSVP and chose their meals. D'oh. 

southernbelle0915

KatieinBkln said:

What a loser. Like so many people, he needs a hobby.

Just throwing my hat in that I secretly enjoy addressing things the formal/old fashioned way ever since my mother taught me to address thank you cards to my grandparents as "Dr. and Mrs. Grandpa Lastname" and to my aunt and uncle as "The Doctors Lastname." Basically, I really enjoyed the way Dr. is inserted into the formula. I can see how it's irritating to be considered "Mrs. Hisname Lastname" but I guess overall I don't mind. It's just one of those old holdovers. I think it would bug me more if we were more of a letter-writing culture, but since letter-writing itself is so old school, I don't totally mind that the traditional addressing is old school, too. 

But then, I've never minded the patrilineal as much as the patriarchal. I quite enjoyed when my mom told me the story of when she was in college (in the 70s, hooray second wave!) and a girl declared, "I'm not going to take some man's name." To which my mother replied, "Whose name do you think you have now?" I guess names don't get my ire up as much as actually being treated like shit because of my ovaries.

This argument drives me nuts, honestly. It's presumptuous to assume that she had/has her father's last name. 

Even if she did/does, no matter where a last name comes from, it belongs to the individual. She (or he) can make the choice going forward if they want to keep it or change it. That's the point.

NYCMercedes

So Bob said YOU did in wrong. Honestly.

KatieinBkln

southernbelle0915 said:

KatieinBkln said:

What a loser. Like so many people, he needs a hobby.

Just throwing my hat in that I secretly enjoy addressing things the formal/old fashioned way ever since my mother taught me to address thank you cards to my grandparents as "Dr. and Mrs. Grandpa Lastname" and to my aunt and uncle as "The Doctors Lastname." Basically, I really enjoyed the way Dr. is inserted into the formula. I can see how it's irritating to be considered "Mrs. Hisname Lastname" but I guess overall I don't mind. It's just one of those old holdovers. I think it would bug me more if we were more of a letter-writing culture, but since letter-writing itself is so old school, I don't totally mind that the traditional addressing is old school, too. 

But then, I've never minded the patrilineal as much as the patriarchal. I quite enjoyed when my mom told me the story of when she was in college (in the 70s, hooray second wave!) and a girl declared, "I'm not going to take some man's name." To which my mother replied, "Whose name do you think you have now?" I guess names don't get my ire up as much as actually being treated like shit because of my ovaries.

This argument drives me nuts, honestly. It's presumptuous to assume that she had/has her father's last name. 

Even if she did/does, no matter where a last name comes from, it belongs to the individual. She (or he) can make the choice going forward if they want to keep it or change it. That's the point.

STUCK

Oh, I'm 100% on board with people who want to change their name, don't want to, whatever. I have much more affection for my surname than my FI's, for example. But to say that you don't want to change it specifically because it's a man's name is ridiculous reasoning. Even if the woman in question was raised by a single mother, the chances are very, VERY high that her mother's family name was passed down through the male line. She has someone's father's last name. 

Now, I can totally see why a person wouldn't want to just automatically take her husband's name; that's cool. But almost all of us (in Western Culture, anyway) have a surname that comes from the male line, so the "maleness" of a name is pretty much already established.  

southernbelle0915

KatieinBkln said:

southernbelle0915 said:

KatieinBkln said:

What a loser. Like so many people, he needs a hobby.

Just throwing my hat in that I secretly enjoy addressing things the formal/old fashioned way ever since my mother taught me to address thank you cards to my grandparents as "Dr. and Mrs. Grandpa Lastname" and to my aunt and uncle as "The Doctors Lastname." Basically, I really enjoyed the way Dr. is inserted into the formula. I can see how it's irritating to be considered "Mrs. Hisname Lastname" but I guess overall I don't mind. It's just one of those old holdovers. I think it would bug me more if we were more of a letter-writing culture, but since letter-writing itself is so old school, I don't totally mind that the traditional addressing is old school, too. 

But then, I've never minded the patrilineal as much as the patriarchal. I quite enjoyed when my mom told me the story of when she was in college (in the 70s, hooray second wave!) and a girl declared, "I'm not going to take some man's name." To which my mother replied, "Whose name do you think you have now?" I guess names don't get my ire up as much as actually being treated like shit because of my ovaries.

This argument drives me nuts, honestly. It's presumptuous to assume that she had/has her father's last name. 

Even if she did/does, no matter where a last name comes from, it belongs to the individual. She (or he) can make the choice going forward if they want to keep it or change it. That's the point.

STUCK

Oh, I'm 100% on board with people who want to change their name, don't want to, whatever. I have much more affection for my surname than my FI's, for example. But to say that you don't want to change it specifically because it's a man's name is ridiculous reasoning. Even if the woman in question was raised by a single mother, the chances are very, VERY high that her mother's family name was passed down through the male line. She has someone's father's last name. 

Now, I can totally see why a person wouldn't want to just automatically take her husband's name; that's cool. But almost all of us (in Western Culture, anyway) have a surname that comes from the male line, so the "maleness" of a name is pretty much already established.  

When someone says they don't want to take "some man's" last name, my interpretation is that they don't want to change their given/family name to someone else's ("some man's") family name. 

I guess it's just interpretation of semantics. I don't think anyone could be as ignorant as to think that there are exclusively female last names that didn't come from a man at some point in time - maybe I give people too much credit...  

KatieinBkln

southernbelle0915 said:

KatieinBkln said:

southernbelle0915 said:

KatieinBkln said:

What a loser. Like so many people, he needs a hobby.

Just throwing my hat in that I secretly enjoy addressing things the formal/old fashioned way ever since my mother taught me to address thank you cards to my grandparents as "Dr. and Mrs. Grandpa Lastname" and to my aunt and uncle as "The Doctors Lastname." Basically, I really enjoyed the way Dr. is inserted into the formula. I can see how it's irritating to be considered "Mrs. Hisname Lastname" but I guess overall I don't mind. It's just one of those old holdovers. I think it would bug me more if we were more of a letter-writing culture, but since letter-writing itself is so old school, I don't totally mind that the traditional addressing is old school, too. 

But then, I've never minded the patrilineal as much as the patriarchal. I quite enjoyed when my mom told me the story of when she was in college (in the 70s, hooray second wave!) and a girl declared, "I'm not going to take some man's name." To which my mother replied, "Whose name do you think you have now?" I guess names don't get my ire up as much as actually being treated like shit because of my ovaries.

This argument drives me nuts, honestly. It's presumptuous to assume that she had/has her father's last name. 

Even if she did/does, no matter where a last name comes from, it belongs to the individual. She (or he) can make the choice going forward if they want to keep it or change it. That's the point.

STUCK

Oh, I'm 100% on board with people who want to change their name, don't want to, whatever. I have much more affection for my surname than my FI's, for example. But to say that you don't want to change it specifically because it's a man's name is ridiculous reasoning. Even if the woman in question was raised by a single mother, the chances are very, VERY high that her mother's family name was passed down through the male line. She has someone's father's last name. 

Now, I can totally see why a person wouldn't want to just automatically take her husband's name; that's cool. But almost all of us (in Western Culture, anyway) have a surname that comes from the male line, so the "maleness" of a name is pretty much already established.  

When someone says they don't want to take "some man's" last name, my interpretation is that they don't want to change their given/family name to someone else's ("some man's") family name. 

I guess it's just interpretation of semantics. I don't think anyone could be as ignorant as to think that there are exclusively female last names that didn't come from a man at some point in time - maybe I give people too much credit...  

I shall have to take a leaf from your book and believe better of people!

SBmini

People are ridiculous.

Hey, I would like to invite you and your wife to the most important day of our lives. We just want you to show up. We'll provide everything, do you want to come?

NO BECAUSE MY WIFE'S NAME WAS ON THE INVITATION!!!

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

Ugh, so lame.

If invites weren't expensive, I'd send another one addressed "Captain Asshat and Mrs Whats-her-face"

Sail away!  

ETA:  Best Gif ever:

lyndausvi

I addressed an 80+-year old widow's invitation Mrs Mary Smith.

It was sent back to me as Mrs James Smith.   Her personal stationary also has Mrs James Smith.

I promptly changed her table card to say Mrs James Smith.    What did I care if that is how she wants to be addressed?

On a personal note if something is addressed to solely me, than I would be annoyed at Mrs James Smith.   But it's never actually happened so I'm just speculating.     Even though I have a different last name I could give ONE SHIT if it's address Mr and Mrs James Smith (see what I did there @ohannabelle). Like I do not care at all. But that doesn't mean I do not understand others who are bothered by it. I of course, addressed their envelopes accordingly.

daria24

I have two widowed grandmothers. I addressed their invites to Mrs. Jane Smith. I got back a response card that corrected it to "Mrs. John Smith." They've both been widowed for 10+ years. Some people are just more traditional that I realized.

I didn't change my last name, but if I had, I sure as hell would have wanted to be Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Smith. 

AlexaF2014

Yeah, I'm doing invitations wrong too. "Mr. & Mrs. John and Jane Smith" It's a mouthful (envelopeful?), but I like including the woman first name. Also, I enjoy my handwriting, so the more reason to write the better!

As to the "your last name is a man's name" thing; no, my name is my name. My last name may be the same as my father's, but it is also the same as my sister's. It is the name I was born with, and in its entirety is uniquely mine. If I keep my last name, I choose to keep MY name, not my great-great-great-great-great-great (ad infinitum) grandfather's. That being said, yeah i'm taking FI's last name, but then it becomes my name. Doesn't matter if it's the same last name as a man, woman, hermaphrodite, whatever. We choose our identity and it become us.