Wedding 911

Wedding Financing Drops Out 3 Weeks Before Wedding?

StitelMEStitelME member
100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
edited July 2014 in Wedding 911

I got engaged this past October. Immediately, I sat down with one set of parents and they said that they would pay for the wedding for us. I asked for a total budget of what they could afford to pay from the start and they said they wouldn't give me one and to be reasonable. I fell in love with a vineyard near where I went to school and the cost was a little high. I went to my parents and they said it was fine. Since then, I have gone to them with EVERY expense and they have approved it all. Suddenly, we are three weeks out for the wedding and it's too expensive for them (as a note: final totals are looking at about $24K, more than I thought things would be when I got engaged but less than national average and originally approved by the parents). Just about everything is set and all that's left is to pay the final bills.

How do I fix this so that I don't have to cancel my wedding three weeks out? (and it's only 50% paid for at this point!)

UPDATE: My fiancé's mom has indicated that she would be willing to take out a loan to help cover the remaining cost but I don't feel super comfortable letting her go into debt (even if we are supposed to pay her back as if it was our loan) for our wedding. Should I just let her or tell her no?

Wedding Countdown Ticker

image


Re: Wedding Financing Drops Out 3 Weeks Before Wedding?

  • Everyone is going to tell you the same thing: Don't count on money from other people unless you have the cash in hand. 
    Megalega14
  • This is a situation that keeps coming up.  Never spend any money until your have every single dime in your hand.  If your wedding was going to cost you 24K then you should have had 24K sitting in a bank account from the parents.  You can't spend money you don't have and that is how people get into debt.  Who paid for 50% of the wedding?  If it was your parents and they paid the initial deposits it's worth asking again.  If you still come up short then I would start canceling certain things that can be cancelled.  I would not cancel the entire wedding but maybe down grade centerpieces or flowers and decorations.  There has to be SOMETHING you can get rid of at this point to make your cost go down significantly.  If not I would not let anyone take out a loan for you.  You chose to have this wedding and you should be responsible for paying for the balance.  Take it out of your savings, charge stuff and pay it back with wedding money (as long as the closing date is after the wedding), ebay items have a garage sale because at this point your stuck and responsible for that money or the venue and vendors will cancel it for you.
    Sorry if that is harsh but my FI parents keep saying they will pay for a portion of the wedding.  My parents have given me actual money and will be paying 100%.  It is 10 months away and not a dime from his parents just promises.  I don't care who the people are saying that they can pay for it.  Never spend any money until it is in your hands.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Asheville122813
  • It was my parents who have paid the 50% so far. They were writing checks and sending them out as recently as last week.

    And I know that you shouldn't spend any money until it is in your hands. I usually follow that rule completely. If it hadn't been my dad, who also has a perfect *until now* track record on these things, I wouldn't have.

    I acknowledge that a lot of this can probably be laid at my feet in terms of blame. I just feel blind-sided and with three weeks to go, contractually, I'm right at the edge of the ability to make changes to cut the costs down. I had already kept decorations, etc. pretty bare to begin with so I may have to just do without altogether.

    I don't know...I'm just freaking out about how to salvage things.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    image


  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    What about you and your FI?  What can you contribute to the remaining bills?

    And do not let your ILs take out a loan.  Going into debt for a wedding is 100% a bad idea.

    I did pretty much the same as you.  My parents paid for our wedding.  They did give us a budget but I still went to them any time I met with a vendor to discuss price.  They then paid the vendor directly. No money between us ever exchanged hands.  They did veto some things or asked me to find something less expensive.  But I can see how you could be completely blindsided by their "we can't afford this" at three weeks out.  And no, I don't think you should be blamed at all.  You had an agreement with your parents and it had been working just fine up until this point.

    I mean at this point in the planning process I really don't know what you could do to cut costs.  And if you cancel the wedding then your parents are out the money they already paid to all the vendors so that really doesn't help their "we can't afford this" cause.

    I think you need to have a sit down with your parents and have a discussion about this.  You need to tell them that if you cancel then they will be out the money they already put forth and that you laid out everything for them for approval prior to committing to anything and they said okay to everything.  See what they have to say and see if you can come up with a plan.

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I definitely wouldn't be comfortable with my FMIL taking out a loan to cover the rest. Honestly, I'd rather just take the loan out myself. 
  • My fiancé and I are scrambling to see what money we can come up with to help pay any remaining bills and are scouring the contracts to see where costs can be cut out. The "discussion" with the parents is apparently going to happen this weekend...but I'm a little scared about it. Honestly, I've never been very good at doing more than saying "yes, dad" and "no, dad" so I don't know how I'm going to speak up about my side in this mess.

    ClimbingBrideNY: I feel the same way. The snag is that both of our credit scores are a little on the bad side because of our student loans, etc. from college. It's part of why we were immediately looking outside ourselves for help paying for the wedding in the first place. I just know that my fiancé is getting desperate because he knows all the time and energy I put into this (and some money for a bunch of the small things that have come up that add up) and doesn't want it to all go to waste. I think he would rather have his parents take out the loan and us deal with that afterwards than cancel things.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    image


  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    StitelME said:

    My fiancé and I are scrambling to see what money we can come up with to help pay any remaining bills and are scouring the contracts to see where costs can be cut out. The "discussion" with the parents is apparently going to happen this weekend...but I'm a little scared about it. Honestly, I've never been very good at doing more than saying "yes, dad" and "no, dad" so I don't know how I'm going to speak up about my side in this mess.

    ClimbingBrideNY: I feel the same way. The snag is that both of our credit scores are a little on the bad side because of our student loans, etc. from college. It's part of why we were immediately looking outside ourselves for help paying for the wedding in the first place. I just know that my fiancé is getting desperate because he knows all the time and energy I put into this (and some money for a bunch of the small things that have come up that add up) and doesn't want it to all go to waste. I think he would rather have his parents take out the loan and us deal with that afterwards than cancel things.

    It's great that he acknowledges all the hard work you've done and doesn't want to see go to waste; however, I just have to jump on the bandwagon and say I think allowing the in-laws to take out the loan is a very, very bad idea.  I think "dealing with it afterwards" is going to be a lot messier/frustrating and have a larger impact on the family dynamics in the long run than just canceling/cutting back on things.
    Anniversary

    image
  • UPDATE: I'm meeting with my parents tomorrow afternono to try to figure out exactly what has happened. Any suggestions? I've reviewed all of the quotes, etc. that i've given them in the past to make sure that i didn't accidentally leave anything out and I've gone through and itemized all of the remaining expenses that still need to be paid. What else do i need to do to prepare for this?

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    image


  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    StitelME said:
    UPDATE: I'm meeting with my parents tomorrow afternono to try to figure out exactly what has happened. Any suggestions? I've reviewed all of the quotes, etc. that i've given them in the past to make sure that i didn't accidentally leave anything out and I've gone through and itemized all of the remaining expenses that still need to be paid. What else do i need to do to prepare for this?
    I think depends in a major way on why your parents have pulled funding.  Do they literally not have the money?  Or do they disapprove of your plans or the final total?

    If they don't have the money, they made a bad decision paying the deposits but there's nothing you can do.  If they disapprove, ask what you can change for them.  Their money, their strings.

    Honestly I would just explain to them that if you cancel now, they will not see that 50% back.  Ask if that is really what they want, because taking out a loan isn't an option.  If they pull funding, your only smart alternative is to cancel this wedding and then plan another, smaller wedding that you and Fi can afford yourselves, later down the road.  That's fine for you, but $12k is a LOT of money for your parents to just kiss goodbye.  And depending on the contract, they may still be liable up to the contract price anyway if you're close to the date.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • I'm sorry you're in this situation. I would normally say never to go into debt for a wedding, but given that you are 3 weeks out, I would try to put as much as you can on whatever credit lines you have, get a loan from your parents or FI's parents (maybe they will give you the rest of the $ if you pay it back?) Hopefully you will get some monetary gifts from the wedding and you can put that all back towards the loans. Now, this is not a smart move to plan in advance, and most wedding gifts don't come close to covering the full cost of a wedding, but it should make a dent. Then after the wedding be really, really frugal, try to get extra work if you can, and pay off the loans ASAP.
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    Sorry that you are stuck in that spot.  It is definitely frustrating. Yes, you shouldn't count money until it is in your hands, but if you are running every expense by your parents up front and they are paying all the bills/deposits so far, it's an easy mistake to make and to trust that it's covered. Yes, there are steps/conversations that probably should have been taken before now, but none of that matters at this point.

    I think now you just need to have a good discussion with your parents.  It sounds like you already are, but go in there prepared with what all the expenses are, what's still to be paid, ideas about where you can cut back costs, and just discuss what options you have at this point. I'm sure they don't want you to cancel the wedding. And cancelling this late could have a lot of financial consequences with lost deposits or whatnot. Parents may be able to work with you and make some compromises to get everything to work out.

    But, you probably need to cut back wherever possible. Maybe do your own hair/makeup, rather than hiring.  No favors?  Minimal flowers & decorations (centerpieces and decorations really aren't necessary at all and I doubt people would fault you if you didn't have them or went really minimal)? Can you change to cheaper menu options?  Cheaper bouquets? Cheaper Cake? Cheaper bar package?  A lot of the items that aren't made until later may be able to change still to reduce cost.  Even if there is change fee, if its cheaper than what you save it may be worth it. If your venue provided sound system, maybe ditch DJ and put together own wedding play list with ipod (if you need to lose DJ deposit and pay for equipment rentals, it may not be worth it)? Are there items you've purchased (decorations, favors, etc.) that you could return for refund?

    And as far as cancelling or changing date, make sure you come prepared with what added costs that would incur also.... like lost deposits (but, some places will not fine you if you rebook within certain timeframe) and printing/mailing costs for new invites & STD's.

    As far as taking out loans, having parents take out loan or even taking one out yourself isn't ideal.  First, cut back expenses wherever possible to see where you stand and how much money you really need. Then see where you can make some extra money over the next few weeks (garage sale, ebay, babysitting, yard work, pick up extra hours at work, etc). And maybe your parents think they can't afford everything you've booked, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they can't afford to pay anything more and that you need to come up with the whole $12k in the next couple weeks. Maybe they only have $6k available to help, you cut or earn enough to cover $3k of expenses, leaving with only $3k to come up with.  You could be in a more manageable position than you think. 

    Then, only after you've exhausted other options, would I even consider a loan.  But, I would suggest that instead of FMIL taking out loan, maybe you have her co-sign on a loan that you guys take out in your names. That way you are still the primary liable party and you aren't having to exchange money with her. But, just make sure you can actually handle to loan terms and make sure to pay it back on time, so you aren't sticking her with it. Also, that would also help you both build up your own credit ratings, so you aren't dependent on them in the future.

    image 

  • Thanks @nicoann and everyone else who has been so helpful here. I appreciate the advice and will get started this afternoon and tonight preparing everything.

    I've also now received some texts from one of my bridesmaids (one of my younger sisters) where she told me to call her and i asked what for and she blasted me via text for being naive and accused me of ruining her future? Yet another blind-side that I wasn't prepared for.

    Why does everyone seem to wait until right before a really big event to lay all of this on me? And since these things usually come in threes, any suggestions for the next major blow I should be expecting?

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    image


  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    StitelME said:

    Thanks @nicoann and everyone else who has been so helpful here. I appreciate the advice and will get started this afternoon and tonight preparing everything.

    I've also now received some texts from one of my bridesmaids (one of my younger sisters) where she told me to call her and i asked what for and she blasted me via text for being naive and accused me of ruining her future? Yet another blind-side that I wasn't prepared for.

    Why does everyone seem to wait until right before a really big event to lay all of this on me? And since these things usually come in threes, any suggestions for the next major blow I should be expecting?

    Just relax and take it all in stride. A lot of things will seem more stressful because right before a wedding, everything is stressful. It's a big event with a lot of planning and a lot to consider.  You are probably super busy and stressed over every detail.  So, being already on edge makes everything else seem that much worse.  Sometimes, you just need to step back, look at where things fall on the priority list, and deal with them accordingly.  There is a problem with the flowers? Well, you can still get married without flowers, so it may be important, but not a critical item. You need a minister, groom, license, and witnesses to get married... everything else is optional. For a proper reception, you just need some sort of food & drink. Really, even if you show up wearing blue jeans, as long as you have the right attitude about it, you can still have an awesome wedding. Who's to say you can't have a great wedding with a sheet cake from the grocery store if the baker happens to knock yours over during delivery? It's all about attitude. So, if something happens, figure out where it really falls on importance to your wedding, do what you can to handle it, then let it go and enjoy the process. And things will happen and go wrong. On your wedding day, you won't notice most of the little details anyway, so if you just let it go, you will still have a great day. Like, my cake showed up with none of the decoration that was agreed upon... It was supposed to have criss-cross design scored into the icing, but they did some generic squiggle piping on one layer and the rest was just plain with no decoration at all.  Completely not the cake that was discussed or that I was expecting. It would have been easy to flip out over that, but it really didn't matter in the big scheme of things and I wasn't going to let it ruin my wedding day... it still tasted great and nobody but me even noticed anything was wrong. So, just focus on what is really critical to getting married and try not to stress too much over non-critical items.

    image 

    StitelME
  • UPDATE: Thanks for the encouragement and advice everyone. I met with my parents today. My FI's mom ended up giving us a number earlier in the day of a $ amount she could contribute without having to take out a loan. With that in mind, we went to negotiate with my parents and compromised on headcount and the food to get the price down a little bit. My FI and I also picked up the cost of a few of the smaller costs that we could afford. They even apologized for the added stress they caused by tossing out the word "cancel." So, barring any other unanticipated craziness, wedding is back on for three weeks and no one is going into debt for it!

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    image


    charlottesmom0626chibiyuiwajohnson09
  • StitelME said:

    UPDATE: Thanks for the encouragement and advice everyone. I met with my parents today. My FI's mom ended up giving us a number earlier in the day of a $ amount she could contribute without having to take out a loan. With that in mind, we went to negotiate with my parents and compromised on headcount and the food to get the price down a little bit. My FI and I also picked up the cost of a few of the smaller costs that we could afford. They even apologized for the added stress they caused by tossing out the word "cancel." So, barring any other unanticipated craziness, wedding is back on for three weeks and no one is going into debt for it!

    How did you change headcount 3 weeks out?

    AprilH81
  • Our deadline for final headcounts for food was the 2 week mark. So we just barely were able to squeeze it in the deadline.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    image


  • StitelME said:
    Our deadline for final headcounts for food was the 2 week mark. So we just barely were able to squeeze it in the deadline.
    I think the implication though is...did you uninvite people?  Because with three weeks to go, presumably your invites went out already (and were possibly already past the RSVP deadline).  Or did you tell your caterer fewer people than are actually coming to save on food (and thus risking running out food)?

    I think we're just confused on how you were able to manipulate a headcount with only three weeks to go before the wedding without being rude (either now by uninviting people, or later by not having enough food to properly host them).
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    StitelME said:
    Our deadline for final headcounts for food was the 2 week mark. So we just barely were able to squeeze it in the deadline.
    But how did you change the guest list 3 weeks out?



  • The guest list hasn't changed and we haven't uninvited people. For the sake of making sure we had enough food, we had rounded up headcount slightly from the beginning - also in case anyone showed up suddenly with a guest we were not aware of, we wanted to have enough food. In light of costs, I revisited the guest list and 90 is much closer to the actual headcount we have received RSVPs for (and it is still just slightly over by one or two people to try to be safe).

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    image


  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers
    edited July 2014
    Then yes, that was a good way to save some money.  Even on plated dinners, every experienced caterer I've ever worked with usually works into the cost to bring about 10% extra anyway (a plate of food could get dropped, extra unexpected guests, etc.).  So if you give them a headcount of 90, they aren't (hopefully) just bringing exactly 90 servings of everything anyway so there shouldn't have been a need to inflate the number to begin with.
  • Yeah, the 100 started out as the original guesstimate when we were doing initial quotes to get prices for parental approval. As the list of "Yes" RSVPs kept growing, the number just kept the same throughout the process. It's one of the few corners I was definitely comfortable with cutting once I looked back through things.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    image


This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards