Wedding 911

Family Drama SOS!! Don't want my wedding to be ruined by FSIL :-(

My fiancé and I have had issues with my FSIL for 10+ years (even before she met my fiance’s brother). To keep things short, I’ll just say she’s a bully and has symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Every time my fiancé and I have tried to forgive, she has gone out of her way to hurt us again within a week or two, so it’s very hard to trust her anymore that her attempts at reconciliation are genuine. It’s not just us who has problems with her, either- FMIL won’t talk to her and FSIL (my fiance’s/her husband’s sister) won’t have her over to her house.


 She and my fiance’s brother were married 3 months ago. The invitation that was sent to our house only had my fiance’s name on it- not mine. Apparently she “forgot” to invite me (my fiancé ended up going to their wedding alone to be there for his brother). To cap it all off, she “fired” my fiancé as best man at her wedding and would call us at 2am demanding that we do things for her to help her with her wedding. There has been no apology for any of that so far, and for the time being we just don’t want her to be a part of our lives. Every encounter with her has been nasty and unpleasant. They are in a different state and we don’t talk, so for the most part we just pretend that she doesn’t exist.  We even have her number blocked to prevent those 2am harassing calls.


Now that we’re planning our wedding, we REALLY don’t want her to be there. My mom is so upset with how FSIL has treated me that my mom said that she would beat her if she showed up- and unfortunately I know that’s not an empty threat. My fiancé called his brother before we sent out the save the dates and told him our dilemma. He understood completely how we felt and just asked that we send out the save the date cards addressed to both of them for politeness’ sake. According to him, “she probably won’t want to go anyway” and that he would guarantee that she wouldn’t come. So, we sent them out addressed to them both.


My fiance’s sister called me the other day and let me know that nightmare FSIL now is planning on coming and that she’s looking to “reconcile” (…again). My fiance’s brother has done nothing to correct the situation, and with under 5 months left I’m starting to freak out. Just having her there would make us both miserable, and if she came I’d be certain there would be a fistfight which would be a disaster.


What should I do?!? Help!!!

Re: Family Drama SOS!! Don't want my wedding to be ruined by FSIL :-(

  • I understand your mom being upset with how FSIL has treated you. However, to threaten to beat her if she shows up to YOUR wedding is completely uncalled for. There is a time and place for everything and fighting someone at your daughter's wedding is not it. I was in a way "forced" to invite someone to my wedding in Sept. that I didn't want to. To keep the peace I decided the best thing to do was to invite them and pray they don't come. After getting upset over it I realized that my wedding day is what I make of it. I will most likely be way too busy focusing on the people I love and want there to even realize this 'person' is there.
  • Let your mom beat her up
    JasperandOpalPrettyGirlLostMegEn1Sherbie25
  • spara0038 said:

    My fiancé and I have had issues with my FSIL for 10+ years (even before she met my fiance’s brother). To keep things short, I’ll just say she’s a bully and has symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Every time my fiancé and I have tried to forgive, she has gone out of her way to hurt us again within a week or two, so it’s very hard to trust her anymore that her attempts at reconciliation are genuine. It’s not just us who has problems with her, either- FMIL won’t talk to her and FSIL (my fiance’s/her husband’s sister) won’t have her over to her house.


     She and my fiance’s brother were married 3 months ago. The invitation that was sent to our house only had my fiance’s name on it- not mine. Apparently she “forgot” to invite me (my fiancé ended up going to their wedding alone to be there for his brother). To cap it all off, she “fired” my fiancé as best man at her wedding and would call us at 2am demanding that we do things for her to help her with her wedding. There has been no apology for any of that so far, and for the time being we just don’t want her to be a part of our lives. Every encounter with her has been nasty and unpleasant. They are in a different state and we don’t talk, so for the most part we just pretend that she doesn’t exist.  We even have her number blocked to prevent those 2am harassing calls.


    Now that we’re planning our wedding, we REALLY don’t want her to be there. My mom is so upset with how FSIL has treated me that my mom said that she would beat her if she showed up- and unfortunately I know that’s not an empty threat. My fiancé called his brother before we sent out the save the dates and told him our dilemma. He understood completely how we felt and just asked that we send out the save the date cards addressed to both of them for politeness’ sake. According to him, “she probably won’t want to go anyway” and that he would guarantee that she wouldn’t come. So, we sent them out addressed to them both.


    My fiance’s sister called me the other day and let me know that nightmare FSIL now is planning on coming and that she’s looking to “reconcile” (…again). My fiance’s brother has done nothing to correct the situation, and with under 5 months left I’m starting to freak out. Just having her there would make us both miserable, and if she came I’d be certain there would be a fistfight which would be a disaster.


    What should I do?!? Help!!!

    1. Yes, she sounds awful and has treated you and your FI horribly. Though I blame BIL for not standing up to her over the firing of the best man. 

    2. I think you were out of line in calling FBIL and then blaming him for not telling his wife she can't attend a family event. That's his wife; she is part of your future family, whether you love her or hate her. So yes, I do think she needs to be invited. Being a heinous bitch and terrible bride and host doesn't mean you should treat her similarly. Play the nice hostess card and then ignore her. Don't engage; purposely excluding her is likely to cause WAY more drama than not having her there. Then you're becoming just as bitchy as her (you were offended to be excluded from the invitation right?). 

    3. Invite her but do not engage in the slightest concerning the wedding. During the wedding, have someone run interference if you think you'll need it. Trust me, you don't get a whole lot of one-on-one time with anyone on your wedding day (really the whole weekend); she will be relatively easy to avoid. 

    4. She can't ruin your wedding unless she murders your officiant the morning of and you and your FI can't get married that day. Stop stressing about SIL as much as possible; you can't control her behavior. Focus on the fact that you get to marry the man you love in five months. 
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I see some major problems here with the behaviors of people besides your FSIL. Why did your FI's brother not stand up for both of you?? I think some blame needs to be placed on him as well. He did nothing when you weren't invited? He let her kick his own brother out of his wedding? 

    Your mom should not be getting involved in this drama, and her threatening to beat her up is just childish and ridiculous. Tell your mom to forget about this woman and focus on the happy event occurring. 

    Your FSIL is not going to ruin your wedding. Invite her and limit your interactions with her. 

    PrettyGirlLost
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    If you really did not want to invite her, you should not have put her name on the STD.  You probably should not have sent one at all.  But if someone is sent a STD, they must also be invited to the wedding.

    FSIL does sound unstable.  I would give her picture to your venue staff, so they can escort her out if necessary.  Tell your mom that FSIL's behavior makes her look bad and that she should just not engage her at all. 

    Play the polite hostess at your wedding.  Don't give FSIL any reason to talk badly about you & your FI.  If she does, again, she looks bad.

    PrettyGirlLost

  • PDKH said:
    spara0038 said:

    My fiancé and I have had issues with my FSIL for 10+ years (even before she met my fiance’s brother). To keep things short, I’ll just say she’s a bully and has symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Every time my fiancé and I have tried to forgive, she has gone out of her way to hurt us again within a week or two, so it’s very hard to trust her anymore that her attempts at reconciliation are genuine. It’s not just us who has problems with her, either- FMIL won’t talk to her and FSIL (my fiance’s/her husband’s sister) won’t have her over to her house.


     She and my fiance’s brother were married 3 months ago. The invitation that was sent to our house only had my fiance’s name on it- not mine. Apparently she “forgot” to invite me (my fiancé ended up going to their wedding alone to be there for his brother). To cap it all off, she “fired” my fiancé as best man at her wedding and would call us at 2am demanding that we do things for her to help her with her wedding. There has been no apology for any of that so far, and for the time being we just don’t want her to be a part of our lives. Every encounter with her has been nasty and unpleasant. They are in a different state and we don’t talk, so for the most part we just pretend that she doesn’t exist.  We even have her number blocked to prevent those 2am harassing calls.


    Now that we’re planning our wedding, we REALLY don’t want her to be there. My mom is so upset with how FSIL has treated me that my mom said that she would beat her if she showed up- and unfortunately I know that’s not an empty threat. My fiancé called his brother before we sent out the save the dates and told him our dilemma. He understood completely how we felt and just asked that we send out the save the date cards addressed to both of them for politeness’ sake. According to him, “she probably won’t want to go anyway” and that he would guarantee that she wouldn’t come. So, we sent them out addressed to them both.


    My fiance’s sister called me the other day and let me know that nightmare FSIL now is planning on coming and that she’s looking to “reconcile” (…again). My fiance’s brother has done nothing to correct the situation, and with under 5 months left I’m starting to freak out. Just having her there would make us both miserable, and if she came I’d be certain there would be a fistfight which would be a disaster.


    What should I do?!? Help!!!

    1. Yes, she sounds awful and has treated you and your FI horribly. Though I blame BIL for not standing up to her over the firing of the best man. 

    2. I think you were out of line in calling FBIL and then blaming him for not telling his wife she can't attend a family event. That's his wife; she is part of your future family, whether you love her or hate her. So yes, I do think she needs to be invited. Being a heinous bitch and terrible bride and host doesn't mean you should treat her similarly. Play the nice hostess card and then ignore her. Don't engage; purposely excluding her is likely to cause WAY more drama than not having her there. Then you're becoming just as bitchy as her (you were offended to be excluded from the invitation right?). 

    3. Invite her but do not engage in the slightest concerning the wedding. During the wedding, have someone run interference if you think you'll need it. Trust me, you don't get a whole lot of one-on-one time with anyone on your wedding day (really the whole weekend); she will be relatively easy to avoid. 

    4. She can't ruin your wedding unless she murders your officiant the morning of and you and your FI can't get married that day. Stop stressing about SIL as much as possible; you can't control her behavior. Focus on the fact that you get to marry the man you love in five months. 

    #2- Honestly....? I was more relieved that I wasn't invited so I didn't have to go. My fiancé and I have no qualms about cutting them out of our lives whatsoever. My fiancé has hardly been on speaking terms with his brother in the few years that the brother has been with this girl because she won't "let" him talk to my fiancé. My FMIL is in support of not inviting her, as is my other FSIL and her fiancé (who also threatened to beat her if she shows up). Honestly, I guess I just don't understand how it could cause MORE drama to not invite her when a fistfight has basically been threatened if she is invited and shows up... *sigh* 

    I guess I just figured that by not inviting her, she would have no reason to be there and if she showed up it could be handled by the police and not both families. Plus, I also figured it would be safer so that there would be no fighting around the kids who would be there.

  • spara0038spara0038 member
    10 Comments
    edited July 2014

    If you really did not want to invite her, you should not have put her name on the STD.  You probably should not have sent one at all.  But if someone is sent a STD, they must also be invited to the wedding.

    FSIL does sound unstable.  I would give her picture to your venue staff, so they can escort her out if necessary.  Tell your mom that FSIL's behavior makes her look bad and that she should just not engage her at all. 

    Play the polite hostess at your wedding.  Don't give FSIL any reason to talk badly about you & your FI.  If she does, again, she looks bad.

    *sigh* that's what I thought when I was sending out Save the Dates- but FBIL BEGGED my fiancé to include her name just so he wouldn't have to deal with her fallout... and made the promise to us that he would "guarantee she wouldn't be there." Burned me so bad to do that but I sucked it up and tried to "play the polite hostess" and send the STD- now it's coming back to bite me. I guess I'm just so inclined not to invite her because I see that even the idea of having her there has created World War 3. When I say she's not invited, everyone calms down. I think at this point Emily Post can kiss my behind- we're pretty set on not having her there, just concerned about her crashing the wedding. 

  • I think that it's safe to say that if she is attending to reconcile, that you should give her the chance to do so. I do also agree that regardless if she is the devils spawn or not, she should still be invited to the wedding. She is your brother in laws wife.

    I understand how difficult it is for your family to not get involved, but you need to address the situation with your mother that this is your wedding and it is NOT ok for to act like that.




    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • falsarafalsara Northside of Chicago member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer

    1. I think we almost have the Same FSIL, only mine is my fiancé's blood related sister.

    2. You probably shouldn't have sent her a STD if you didn't want her to come.  We are not planning on have FSIL invited to the wedding, FMIL understands that there is some really bad blood between FI and his sister, and understands that neither of us wants to deal with her "its all about me" attitude.

    3. Your mom should not beat her up.  She needs to just let things be and act like an adult.

    4. Your wedding is not the time for you and FSIL to "Fix" things.  This should be done in private either before the wedding or after the wedding by several days/ weeks/ months.  If you do choose to reconcile BEFORE the wedding I would still recommend keeping VERY limited contact with her.

                                               

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    image



    hales2010PrettyGirlLost
  • This is the type of situation that is being made more complicated and messy by you not going directly to the source. Either call your FSIL and have an open, honest conversation about her not being invited and why so that you've made it clear to her (don't leave it up to her husband because clearly you can't count on him; sounds like maybe he has no balls) and then be prepared to deal with her wrath afterwards cuz I promise she will want to get back at you or at the very least continue to be a crazy evil bitch. Your only other option is to just invite her and keep your distance. There will be so many people around wanting to see you that chances are you might not even get around to talking to this chick, even if you wanted to. Hire security and make it clear to them that they made need to "remove" this girl. Have security keep a close eye on her so no family fist fights break out. Thinking she's coming to the wedding to "reconcile" is incredibly selfish and delusional of her. It's your effing wedding day, for crying out loud. I'm dealing with a very similar situation and I've been very tempted to tell my crazy bitch, "I'm having security keep an eye on you. You do anything out of line, they will remove you, and I'll make sure it embarrasses the shit out of you." That will put her on her best behavior, unless she wants to be humiliated.
    image
    hales2010
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    cwradford said:

    1. I think we almost have the Same FSIL, only mine is my fiancé's blood related sister.

    2. You probably shouldn't have sent her a STD if you didn't want her to come.  We are not planning on have FSIL invited to the wedding, FMIL understands that there is some really bad blood between FI and his sister, and understands that neither of us wants to deal with her "its all about me" attitude.

    3. Your mom should not beat her up.  She needs to just let things be and act like an adult.

    4. Your wedding is not the time for you and FSIL to "Fix" things.  This should be done in private either before the wedding or after the wedding by several days/ weeks/ months.  If you do choose to reconcile BEFORE the wedding I would still recommend keeping VERY limited contact with her.

    ^This.  And if she really is a Narcissist then there really won't be any reconciliation. . . because FSIL will go right back to her crazy ass behavior.  Narcissists are incapable of being wrong in their own minds.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards