Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Etiquette Forum
MrsMarende
member
Proper and Formal Addressing for Invites.
I have a few questions about addressing the invites.
1. Do you ALWAYS address the woman first? example on my brothers invite do I list him first of his girlfriend?
2. When listing non married couples I have it as Mr. Jeffrey Smith & Miss Breanna Smith. Is that right?
3. When addressing Married Couples different last name I have it the same as above but with Mrs instead of Miss
4. Addressing Married Couples same last name do you address Mr & Mrs. John & Jane Doe or Mrs. Jane & Mr John Doe?
Thanks for everyone's help!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Proper and Formal Addressing for Invites.
When you address mail, you address it to a person's formal title. Everyone has one, even children. For example, you would address Kate Windsor as "Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Cambridge", not Kate Windsor, though that is now her name.
Socially, you address a married couple as a unit. The usual form is "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe". If you are addressing a mail to a person individually, "Mrs. John Doe" is the correct title. This is not her NAME. It is her formal title. Her name is "Mary Doe", but you do not address mail this way.
Since times have changed, many women work professionally. Business mail is addressed to Ms. Mary Doe, which is her business title. You would not address business mail to Mrs. John Doe.
Since there have been many etiquette changes since the 1960s (I was there!), many ladies prefer to be addressed socially as a couple as "Ms. Mary Doe and Mr. John Doe". (Emily Post) They are still being addressed as a unit, but the woman's first name is included. This does NOT mean that traditional wording is wrong or incorrect.
What is absolutely incorrect is for you to enforce your views on other people, addressing them in a manner which they do not use. This is rude and presumptuous on your part. The women's movement was founded to give women CHOICES, not to enforce a new set of rules.
My sister-in-law is a doctor. Socially, she prefers Mrs. John Doe. Professionally, she is Doctor Mary Doe. She is not offended by either title, but she isn't hung up about her medical degree unless she is at work.
PS. Either Miss Jane Doe or Ms. Jane Doe is proper for a never married woman, regardless of age.
Widows generally keep their traditional title of Mrs. John Doe, but not always. Divorcees usually use Ms. Jane Doe.
Leaving aside the notion that my saying it's sexist to address someone as Mrs. John Doe if you don't know for sure that she prefers it, is somehow itself oppressive to women (um, what? I'm saying you should probably give her the respect of using her full name unless she CHOOSES differently in which case you should respect that... sooo, pretty much the same amount of choice), and leaving aside the notion that feminism is about women doing whatever they want without criticism (yes, it's about freedom for women, but in terms of society giving them responsibility and equality and respect, not about shutting down discussion of how the patriarchy may be affecting various aspects of our lives), you cannot simply declare your own beliefs apolitical by calling them "tradition" and "formal" and "title." Traditional or no, these titles are sexist. A man who's a doctor gets called Doctor no matter what, but you can choose whether or not to address a woman who's a doctor as "Doctor," according to that guide. That shows such immense disrespect for women's educational and professional advancement that it is patently absurd for anyone to try to argue that this supposedly "official" tradition is not sexist.
You stated previously that someone should use the traditional form unless they know the woman prefers it the other way, whereas I am saying that starting with sexist assumptions (like "Oh, she probably doesn't care if I use her actual name, she's fine being addressed by someone else's first name") is, well, sexist; and that you should start with egalitarian assumptions (everyone's whole name gets used) while switching to the other form only if you know the woman prefers it that way (again, I STILL believe that you should address anyone as Mrs. John Doe who prefers to be addressed as such; it seems to need frequent repeating, so I'm repeating it here). My argument for abandoning this tradition qua tradition but keeping it when someone prefers it is not "imposing my views on other people" any more nor less than anyone who advocates for following "tradition" by default. Like many traditions, this one reeks of sexism whether its proponents admit it or not.
I have debated you in the past. You are not open to anyone else's opinion except your own. I'm not wasting any more time.
OP, I'm glad you found your answer.
I'm a feminist too. Personally, for me, it doesn't bother me to be addressed as Mrs. HisName LastNAme on formal, social correspondence. In these days that pretty much only means wedding invitations. I don't think you're passing judgement on my worth as a woman or wife by doing so. I know you're just following some old-school guidelines.