Money shower

skyhigh27

Received a shower invitation via email, which I'm apparently co-hosting, yet know nothing about. The invitation clearly states they want money to pay for their dream honeymoon, as such have not registered anywhere aside from one of those honeymoon registry sites. I feel bad, but I want no part of it but feel obligated since I am in her wedding. I said something to her about it when she first approached the topic of a honeymoon registry. I find it ridiculous that they're having a shower and requesting everyone bring them money. Am I in the wrong for being irritated that I've been attached to this?

Lauderdale Pink

You are not wrong at all, for many reasons.  Your response can range anywhere from going along to walking away from the entire wedding, and everything in between.  The bottom line is that this bride's rudeness along with the socially inappropriate practices of those who went along with it, are in NO WAY, a reflection of you.  If this bride's friendship is valuable to you, then you are going to have to bite your tongue and ride it out.  You made your opinion known to the bride, and that's all you can do.

emmyg65

You're not wrong, and you shouldn't feel obligated to attend.

southernbelle0915

I would not attend a money grubbing event like that. 

Whoever put your down as a co-host...wth? Why?

AddieCake

This is ridiculous and inappropriate.

skyhigh27

Thanks guys. I'm just really disappointed with the whole situation. I understand that they don't have a lot of money, and what they do have is going toward their wedding. FI booked a fishing trip last night, so he made sure he would be out of town that weekend. To receive an evite asking for money before they have even sent their save the dates out is just leaving a sour taste in my mouth toward the whole wedding. 

The girl who sent out the evite defended the money registry by saying a lot of people do it and felt it was smart to register for cash instead of items you already have and I simply felt insulted by them assuming their friends and family wouldn't be smart enough to figure out what to do in place of a gift registry. I'm just confused as to where to go from here.

southernbelle0915

skyhigh27 said:

Thanks guys. I'm just really disappointed with the whole situation. I understand that they don't have a lot of money, and what they do have is going toward their wedding. FI booked a fishing trip last night, so he made sure he would be out of town that weekend. To receive an evite asking for money before they have even sent their save the dates out is just leaving a sour taste in my mouth toward the whole wedding. 

The girl who sent out the evite defended the money registry by saying a lot of people do it and felt it was smart to register for cash instead of items you already have and I simply felt insulted by them assuming their friends and family wouldn't be smart enough to figure out what to do in place of a gift registry. I'm just confused as to where to go from here.

To the bolded - If you want to send them a gift, send them a gift. But I would probably not attend in person either way simply to drive the point home that I was not co-hosting in any way shape or form.

chibiyui

So. Did the bride send this evite begging for money? Maybe she doesn't have a lot of money cause she's dumb with money.

Decline the money grubbing, send the bride a personal finance book.

skyhigh27

She had one of her minions do it. I checked their registry, and they're asking for money to fund the entire trip!! The transportation to and from, the actual room reservation, meals and spa treatments. I am of the opinion if you can't afford to do something without the financial assistance of others, you shouldn't be doing it. FI suggested I create a registry to pay for the hideous dress she wants me to wear.

Jen4948

I'd decline the shower invitation money grab.

Lauderdale Pink

I like your FI's sense of humor, he sounds like you've got a real catch.  Maybe it is time to walk away from this "shower", wedding, and the friendship of people who embarrass you. If you feel this strongly, your ethics are very different from those involved with this shower, including the bride.  Sad, but true, people do drift apart.

skyhigh27

I spoke with her last night about the whole ordeal, explained why neither myself or my FI would be there and she understood. Apparently I am not the only one to be put off by this, which caught her off guard. Turns out one of her other bridesmaids, who is perpetually single, convinced her a money registry is not only acceptable, but now the correct thing to do if you already have a complete household. 

southernbelle0915

skyhigh27 said:

I spoke with her last night about the whole ordeal, explained why neither myself or my FI would be there and she understood. Apparently I am not the only one to be put off by this, which caught her off guard. Turns out one of her other bridesmaids, who is perpetually single, convinced her a money registry is not only acceptable, but now the correct thing to do if you already have a complete household. 

Good for you for taking the high road. 

As for the other BM with terrible advice:

lc07

I would be very annoyed that I was listed as a co-host. That essentially means that you back this money grab.

atlastmrsg

I have no problems with honeymoon registries.  If a couple has what they want in their home, they're going to know the value of my gift card to Bed Bath and Beyond/wherever because I don't know what to get them.  If a couple has registered somewhere and I send them a gift off their registry, they already know what it's worth.  I'm in the minority on this, but I just don't care.  Not everyone needs place mats and tacky bedazzled wedding photo frames.

The part I have a problem with is that you were put on the invite as a co-host without being consulted.  That's no bueno.

photokitty

atlastmrsg said:

I have no problems with honeymoon registries.  If a couple has what they want in their home, they're going to know the value of my gift card to Bed Bath and Beyond/wherever because I don't know what to get them.  If a couple has registered somewhere and I send them a gift off their registry, they already know what it's worth.  I'm in the minority on this, but I just don't care.  Not everyone needs place mats and tacky bedazzled wedding photo frames.

The part I have a problem with is that you were put on the invite as a co-host without being consulted.  That's no bueno.

I have to disagree. It's not about knowing the price of the gift or amount spent. The problem with HM registries is rudely telling people you want cash, the fees and deceptiveness of them. If you don't need tacky bedazzled picture frames or anything else you don't need. It is perfectly polite to not register. It is never polite or proper to ask for money. Not to mention asking for cash for a shower is about as rude as it gets.

We did not register - anywhere. Everyone knows cash is always appropriate, appreciated and often preferred - literally everyone on earth knows this. =o) 

Some people will want to get you a physical gift - these are not the people who use HM registries. The people who use HM registries are people who would give you a check, but instead think that you will receive the FULL amount they gift you. You you will ACTUALLY receive that massage, not a credit on your bill and if you decide you can get the massage or take the excursion. 

But I have good news  

For our wedding the gifts broke down like this: 75% cash or check, 20% gift cards and 5% physical gifts. 

If you want money or don't need anything don't register. This is the best way to politely suggest folks give you money. I'm telling you from experience ;-) 

 A HM is not polite, sorry. There is nothing wrong with saying, when asked where you are registered, we are saving up for the honeymoon (or house or big screen TV or whatever it is you'd like to purchase).

skyhigh27

We didn't register either. We had an engagement party and casual cocktail party a few weeks ago, no shower. Most people gave us wine (we just completed our wine cellar) and others gave us money or gift cards. People aren't stupid, if you aren't registered, most will know money is the appropriate gift.

I'm utterly confused how a couple's shower will work when they're asking everyone for money. Do you just sit around awkwardly while the couple opens cards and announces who gave them what amount of money so other's feel like crap for only contributing $25 when Aunt Flo gave them $5,000?

JCbride2015

atlastmrsg said:

I have no problems with honeymoon registries.  If a couple has what they want in their home, they're going to know the value of my gift card to Bed Bath and Beyond/wherever because I don't know what to get them.  If a couple has registered somewhere and I send them a gift off their registry, they already know what it's worth.  I'm in the minority on this, but I just don't care.  Not everyone needs place mats and tacky bedazzled wedding photo frames.

The part I have a problem with is that you were put on the invite as a co-host without being consulted.  That's no bueno.

It's not about knowing the value of the gift.  It's that a Honeyfund is just a way of asking for cash.  There is no need to "register" to coordinate the number of twenties and hundos your friends and family give you.  Cash registry = begging for cash = massively rude.

Plus most of them have fees and Honeyfund has the added benefit of misleading your friends and family into thinking you're actually buying them a swim with the dolphins, when really the couple just gets a large check minus transaction fees.

I will never understand people who use the "I don't need tacky stuff" excuse for having a Honeyfund.  If you think wedding photo frames are tacky, why would you put it on your registry?  Just don't register and people will give you cash anyway.   No person who wouldn't normally give cash will see a HF and think it's a good idea.

mysticl

photokitty said:

atlastmrsg said:

I have no problems with honeymoon registries.  If a couple has what they want in their home, they're going to know the value of my gift card to Bed Bath and Beyond/wherever because I don't know what to get them.  If a couple has registered somewhere and I send them a gift off their registry, they already know what it's worth.  I'm in the minority on this, but I just don't care.  Not everyone needs place mats and tacky bedazzled wedding photo frames.

The part I have a problem with is that you were put on the invite as a co-host without being consulted.  That's no bueno.

I have to disagree. It's not about knowing the price of the gift or amount spent. The problem with HM registries is rudely telling people you want cash, the fees and deceptiveness of them. If you don't need tacky bedazzled picture frames or anything else you don't need. It is perfectly polite to not register. It is never polite or proper to ask for money. Not to mention asking for cash for a shower is about as rude as it gets.

We did not register - anywhere. Everyone knows cash is always appropriate, appreciated and often preferred - literally everyone on earth knows this. =o) 

Some people will want to get you a physical gift - these are not the people who use HM registries. The people who use HM registries are people who would give you a check, but instead think that you will receive the FULL amount they gift you. You you will ACTUALLY receive that massage, not a credit on your bill and if you decide you can get the massage or take the excursion. 

But I have good news  

For our wedding the gifts broke down like this: 75% cash or check, 20% gift cards and 5% physical gifts. 

If you want money or don't need anything don't register. This is the best way to politely suggest folks give you money. I'm telling you from experience ;-) 

 A HM is not polite, sorry. There is nothing wrong with saying, when asked where you are registered, we are saving up for the honeymoon (or house or big screen TV or whatever it is you'd like to purchase).

I disagree.  My step-father considers cash gifts to be "crass".  If he gives someone cash as a gift he also includes a tangible gift to offset the tackiness of giving them money.  

photokitty

mysticl said:

photokitty said:

atlastmrsg said:

I have no problems with honeymoon registries.  If a couple has what they want in their home, they're going to know the value of my gift card to Bed Bath and Beyond/wherever because I don't know what to get them.  If a couple has registered somewhere and I send them a gift off their registry, they already know what it's worth.  I'm in the minority on this, but I just don't care.  Not everyone needs place mats and tacky bedazzled wedding photo frames.

The part I have a problem with is that you were put on the invite as a co-host without being consulted.  That's no bueno.

I have to disagree. It's not about knowing the price of the gift or amount spent. The problem with HM registries is rudely telling people you want cash, the fees and deceptiveness of them. If you don't need tacky bedazzled picture frames or anything else you don't need. It is perfectly polite to not register. It is never polite or proper to ask for money. Not to mention asking for cash for a shower is about as rude as it gets.

We did not register - anywhere. Everyone knows cash is always appropriate, appreciated and often preferred - literally everyone on earth knows this. =o) 

Some people will want to get you a physical gift - these are not the people who use HM registries. The people who use HM registries are people who would give you a check, but instead think that you will receive the FULL amount they gift you. You you will ACTUALLY receive that massage, not a credit on your bill and if you decide you can get the massage or take the excursion. 

But I have good news  

For our wedding the gifts broke down like this: 75% cash or check, 20% gift cards and 5% physical gifts. 

If you want money or don't need anything don't register. This is the best way to politely suggest folks give you money. I'm telling you from experience ;-) 

 A HM is not polite, sorry. There is nothing wrong with saying, when asked where you are registered, we are saving up for the honeymoon (or house or big screen TV or whatever it is you'd like to purchase).

I disagree.  My step-father considers cash gifts to be "crass".  If he gives someone cash as a gift he also includes a tangible gift to offset the tackiness of giving them money.  

I will give you that...I agree there are people who think cash gifts are rude. I should say ALMOST everyone, but that would just give SS a reason to say "see it is ok to tell them!" Your father (and myself actually) fall into the group who will "want to give a physical gift - these people will not use a HM registry" category. So while you dad does not find it to be appropriate, he still realizes it is appreciated.

I'm just working for the masses here ;-) It's the best way I've found to clearly convey my point and how it works in real life :-D