To be (parents) or not to be

southernbelle0915

H and I are seriously considering not having kids. Not just "not right now", but not at all. We both go through phases of wanting to fill up all the bedrooms in our house and in 30 years have huge multi-generational holiday gatherings.... and then picturing ourselves traveling several times a year without a care or obligation in the world. Right now, we're in a "no kids" phase. 

Did anyone else go through this and decide one way or the other? If so, what did you decide and why?

AddieCake

I didn't want kids for a long time. Now it's all I want in the world. For me, it was because I had accepted that I was never going to meet the right person to marry and would not have kids then. I had accepted it and embraced it as my life for many years, so it was really more that I still wanted them in the back of my mind but was just resigned to the fact that it wasn't going to happen, so I convinced myself I didn't care. My favorite aunt has no kids, though, and she and her husband do not regret it at all. Kids aren't for everyone.

Senecaf

I never had to think about it because I had one on accident very young. Do you have to decide? If you are not ready, don't have any. If one day you feel ready revisit but if not just continue to live your life child free.

MrsDeRuyter87

We did. Do you mind if I ask how old you are? I honestly feel like it was a buzzer going off...it was like once I hit 25 I had no doubts I wanted to be a parent...but before then I was like ehhhh...maybe. lol. My sister was married 10 years before starting a family at age 30. She agreed it was just something that clicked and she had no doubts. So I think you are normal. Parenting is not for everyone.

southernbelle0915

@MrsDeRuyter87 - I'm 28

chibiyui

In our discussions, H has said he could be happy either way. I want kids, and i've known it since about college. I don't think I'd be devastated if we couldn't for some reason, but I'd be a little disappointed for awhile.

Having kids isn't a decision to rush. Having kids has definitely put a strain on the relationships of my two sisters, one if whom is separated/going through divorce.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

For me, I hated kids.  HATED them.  I loved the idea of doing my own thing, all the time, having money to spend on me and FI and generally just rolling my eyes whenever a friend popped out a kid.

Now I realize I was terrified of being responsible for another human life and failing them.

FI and I have decided to have kids.  And what changed for me was I stopped being afraid of failing as a parent.  I realized my parents are awesome role models.  I started seeing children in a different light than before.  Babies cry because they don't know how you tell you things, not because they want to irritate people in a supermarket.  Something just clicked for me.  Now I look forward to expanding our family, teaching the child about life and learning about their personality.  

Now I'm terrified that I have come to this realization and I will not be able to conceive for some reason.  That would be crushing for me.

It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page, so you guys keep doing what is best for you.  Wanna travel?  Travel all over the world.  

mysticl

I was kind of like Addie.  I married "late" so I was in the mode of I was never going to marry and therefore never have kids.  My career at the time was not was not really conducive to being a single parent so I didn't really consider any of the options that could make that happen.  Also, due to family history I wasn't sure I could have kids.

But I did want them.  So once I married someone who wanted them we started trying. Neither one of us was sure we could have kids but we have one and number 2 is on the way.  

This is really only a decision the two of you can make.   

Jells2dot0

I have never wanted kids and knew that from a very young age. I'll be 35 later this year and that still hasn't changed and now I REALLY can't have kids (DH had vasectomy during 1st marriage, chemo is going to make me infertile). Minus my current illness, I really like and enjoy my life the way it is. I love having freedom to do things as I see fit. But, it's not for everyone. I do think if you had at one point wanted kids, it's something to still consider, especially if you are in your 20s.

Jells2dot0

Edit: dup post

theartistformerlyknownas

I have never not wanted kids. I had tried to accept that I wouldn't find the right person to have them with, and the thought devastated me.

holyguacamole79

I have always wanted kids; it was just a given for me.  I got married in my early 30s and my PCOS has made it difficult to conceive.  Earlier this summer I started to wonder if I truly do or don't want kids. 

I'm now in the camp that I do want to have children, but am nervous that I won't be able to.  DH and I had a talk with my ob-gyn recently and we are determining just how far we are willing to go with treatments.

We do want to adopt, though.

DanikaMarie0227

I was convinced I wanted a child my whole life. About 3 years ago I started to question if I still wanted a child or not. I felt totally conflicted because it was something I thought I was so sure of before. When FI and I met, I told him a child was non-negotiable. He said that's fine (even though I know he didn't really want another one). Now I should mention that he has three & I love them and I honestly don't know if they've influenced my decision or not. However, I feel like as time goes on, I become more sure that we shouldn't have children. I love kids, but for the most part, as I get older, I love the option of returning them to their parents after the fun stuff is over. And I think about travelling and not having any obligations as well and it's very appealing!  

Alternatively, my best friend wanted nothing to do with children ever in life and she currently has the worst baby fever ever! 

I think it's okay to change your mind and if the time is right for children, you will know it. And if the time stays right to not have them, that's okay too! 

VulgarGirl

There was a time where I really couldn't imagine wanting kids or having kids. A lot of that has to do with my prior party girl ways. But I just couldn't wrap my head around why someone would want to care for a tiny tiny human that could grow up to resent them (and I don't resent my parents). 

I kind of started to shift my thinking at some point...I don't know when, and realized I really wanted a kid. I think when I started to really figure out and accept that I didn't have to do the kid thing the way everyone else did the kid thing. If I want to travel with my kid, I can. If I want to dye my hair pink and still tote around a baby, I can. So once I realized that me with a kid is still me, I realized I really liked the idea of a kid. Babies still scare me, especially when their heads are all floppy, but overall I like the idea of a kid.

There are things I know for sure. While I'd like to be a mom, I have zero desire to experience pregnancy. At all. It's not for me. I don't see being a mom and being pregnant as having to go hand and hand. If FI didn't want to get pregnant, we'd just adopt our first. I've always been ok with that plan. Biology has never been what defines a family in my world. So it never mattered to me to have a biological kid. Hell the kid we are having still won't have a biological tie to me. 

I also know, I can't handle the idea of more then two kids. People who want 3, 4, or more, good luck and god bless. I'm good with two, I have this thing about kids not out numbering the parents. 

I'm now looking forward to us having a kid. But I'm also enjoying it being just us. Because it's nice that it's just us. 

MrsDeRuyter87

southernbelle0915 said:

@MrsDeRuyter87 - I'm 28

Heck yeah lady you are still young you don't need to worry about deciding on that yet...What I would say is if in a few years you are still humming and hawing consider asking a friend with kids if they need a babysitter for an extended holiday...this gives you more time than just babysitting to realize what life with a child is like...or even better if you feel you and your H would be good candidates you could consider fostering children for a little while. My parents did this before they decided to have their own children.

smalfrie19

When I was with my ex, I didnt want kids. No way no how. And then I met my FI and we discussed it and thought well maybe someday...and now he and I have gone back to no kids. I dont think I have the temperament for it. I struggle daily with managing my stress and I just dont think I would cope well and be a good mom. dont get me wrong..I LOVE kids. My nephew is my pride and joy and I love other people's kids. But being parents isnt for us. I mean I am 23 and he is 37. He didnt really want to raise kids late in life either so it work out for us. 

We have also discussed if we come to a point where we do maybe want another family member, we will adopt. 

MrsDeRuyter87

goldchocobo said:

For me, I hated kids.  HATED them.  I loved the idea of doing my own thing, all the time, having money to spend on me and FI and generally just rolling my eyes whenever a friend popped out a kid.

Now I realize I was terrified of being responsible for another human life and failing them.

FI and I have decided to have kids.  And what changed for me was I stopped being afraid of failing as a parent.  I realized my parents are awesome role models.  I started seeing children in a different light than before.  Babies cry because they don't know how you tell you things, not because they want to irritate people in a supermarket.  Something just clicked for me.  Now I look forward to expanding our family, teaching the child about life and learning about their personality.  

Now I'm terrified that I have come to this realization and I will not be able to conceive for some reason.  That would be crushing for me.

It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page, so you guys keep doing what is best for you.  Wanna travel?  Travel all over the world.  

I think this is very common.

manateehugger

I think I sometimes have a hard time seeing the trade-off (H doesn't) - travel/freedom vs. the joy of kids with H. Kids are in the future for us, just a ways off; I'd have a panic attack if I became pregnant right now. We plan to be selfishish adults for 5-6ish years and then plan to have a couple children (I also don't want kids while H is still a junior officer in the military, so there's that). And then come age 18, we plan to go back to traveling. My mom has picked up all sorts of hobbies and adventures since her kids are now grown; it inspires and reminds me that there are always adventures to be had. None are greater or lesser - you just have to decide which ones you want. TK thinks paragraphs are stupid -sigh.

jenna8984

A friend and I were just talking about this. She's only 24 and has been dying to get pregnant since she was 22. She knows it's her #1 priority in life. It made me feel almost guilty that I don't feel that strongly about it. I'm 29 and have always imagined my life with kids but I do have many times when I'm just lying around relaxing and think to myself "maybe we should stay like this forever". It makes me feel bad that I waiver about it because I feel like people who were meant to be moms should be like my friend and have no doubts at all.

I don't even know if that makes sense but basically I want them but feel badly that I don't want them "more than ANYTHING in the World".

ShallowSeas

I never wanted kids until I met FI and now I'm excited about the idea of starting a family with him.  He wants kids more than anything so I'm glad we're on the same page.  We've both decided to TTC 6 months after the wedding.

climbingsingle

FI and I are 99.9% sure that we are not having kids. I'm 33 and he's 40. I always assumed I would have kids because it's just what you do. But once I actually sat down and really thought about what all goes into it, I realized that it's just not for me. FI feels the same. It's just not what we want for our lives. 

What's funny is that when I was in my 20s, I hated kids. Couldn't stand them and didn't want to be around them. I've actually softened in my older age. But I definintely don't feel the urge to have my own. 

WinstonsGirl

DH is on the fence.  He was older and figured he was never going to get married and have kids, and he was ok with that.  The older I get, the less I want kids.  I will say I occasionally think of my niece/nephew and the look they get with my Brother comes home and they run up to him yelling Daddy!!  I think that would be really cool for DH and that he would love being a Dad.  I have no desire to ever be called Mom.  The only reason I have ever considered it was cos I think DH would enjoy it.

I love spending time with my niece and nephews, but I also get tired of them after a few hours.  It's non stop.  I want stop.  We just did 3 week of backpacking through Europe.  We couldn't have done our trip with young kids.  I want to do more.  I'm not willing to put in the time and effort to properly raise kids, and if I won't do it properly, I won't do it at all.  

Also pregnancy creeps me out.  I don't want to see your preggo belly (clothing on is fine) and I really don't want to touch it to feel the baby kick.  It gives me the heebie jeebies, so I don't think I'd want someone crawling around in my belly.  Ugh

southernbelle0915

I've been feeling a lot of the same sentiments as y'all.

To be quite honest, I like coming home to a quiet house and having zero responsibility except to take care of myself and do whatever the hell I want to do. My cat is my biggest responsibility and all she requires is clean litter, food and water once a day. If I feel like up and going to play tennis - see ya! If I want to sit on the couch and do nothing but watch The Office and eat leftover thai - great! 

But then I see families at the park or at the beach and it's a bunch of generations all hanging out and having this family bond and I'm like, "man, I want that, too." 

I guess ideally, my sister will pop out 3-4 kids and I'll just be an aunt.

littlemushroom

I am 33 and don't know if I want kids.  I know I don't want kids for at least a few years because I want to enjoy married life with just me and him for a while (and my sister who lives with us and I just know will live with us for the rest of our lives *sigh*).  Sometimes the idea of kids appeals to me, but when I get to the details I am less enthused.  Plus, the idea of being pregnant doesn't really appeal to me.  Maybe I will change my mind, but maybe I won't.  More often than not I lean towards won't.

FI previously had been that he didn't know if he wanted kids either, but lately has said he doesn't.  His family didn't always have money for food when he was growing up, so he is very concerned about the expense of children.  He knows he wants to be able to retire, and his parents are disabled and live off of social security.  So basically, the financial implications of kids are too much for him right now.  I also know that if I ever get to the point where I really want a kid, that he will revisit how he feels about it.

daria24

I have never wanted kids. I do not have whatever that feeling is that people have when they look at babies and their hearts melt. When coworkers show me photos of their children and expect me to gush they get a blank stare. It's a kid in overalls. So? I was a nanny for two of my cousins for two summers. That sealed the deal. They were good kids and yet absolutely no desire to sign up for motherhood. Now puppies and kittens? ZOMGGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMME YOU ARE SO PRECIOUS. My husband has always known he was CFC. Part of it is fear, as he grew up next door to his autistic cousin (and three non-autistic cousins) and he saw how hard it was just having three kids without special needs was. Add on a special-needs child? Forget it, not for him. People always say I will change my mind. I'm almost 32. In 15 years we'll see who is right (I will be). I can 100% guarantee my husband will not change his mind, and he would not be a good parent. We both recognize that we aren't cut out to be parents, and at least we know it. I love my life. There isn't a thing missing from it (aside from paid vacation days). My family is complete.

cupcait927

chibiyui said:

In our discussions, H has said he could be happy either way. I want kids, and i've known it since about college. I don't think I'd be devastated if we couldn't for some reason, but I'd be a little disappointed for awhile.

 

Having kids isn't a decision to rush. Having kids has definitely put a strain on the relationships of my two sisters, one if whom is separated/going through divorce.

The bolded is the situation with FI and I as well, except I'm the one who would be happy either way. FI has always, always wanted children, whereas I have waivered throughout the years. He admitted the other day however that while he would be disappointed if we couldn't have children, he agreed that we would still have an amazing, fulfilling life. That being said, we want to wait a few years after marriage before committing to children.

FutureMrsN3312

I struggle with this every day. I see babies and think "awww I want one". Then I see a toddler throwing a temper tantrum and I'm pretty sure my ovaries shrivel up. Pretty sure H's balls become inverted. We look at each other and think do we really wanna deal with that?? We're both 30 so we don't have a whole lot of time to waste. But for now I'm very content with the dog. Almost all of my friends already have kids and are wanting another. I just think "wow I love sleeping thru the night...doing what I want to do when I want to do it". I also have the fear of being a terrible mother. But I think that's pretty common. Maybe one day my biological clock will start ticking...

MrsDeRuyter87

FutureMrsN3312 said:

I struggle with this every day. I see babies and think "awww I want one". Then I see a toddler throwing a temper tantrum and I'm pretty sure my ovaries shrivel up. Pretty sure H's balls become inverted. We look at each other and think do we really wanna deal with that?? We're both 30 so we don't have a whole lot of time to waste. But for now I'm very content with the dog. Almost all of my friends already have kids and are wanting another. I just think "wow I love sleeping thru the night...doing what I want to do when I want to do it". I also have the fear of being a terrible mother. But I think that's pretty common. Maybe one day my biological clock will start ticking...

omg laughed so hard!

manateehugger

Blech, I do not like babies. I think most of them are weird-looking and uninteresting. I hate being asked to hold someone else's baby. No, dude, it didn't come from my vagina, I don't want to hold it. 

I tell FI all the time that we should dump our kid onto our parents until it's about 3 or so. 

littlemushroom

@PDKH:  I tell FI all the time that we should dump our kid onto our parents until it's about 3 or so.

Haha, that reminds me of a deal I made with my BFF.  We used to babysit together and I would handle the infants and she would wrangle the toddlers.  We promised each other if we had kids, I would take hers while they were babies and she would take mine while they were toddlers.  

She had a baby in April and I haven't had to take care of him.  That probably means if I change my mind she won't take care of mine while it is a toddler.  All the more reason to not have kids, in that case.

Peaseblossom55

I went through most of my 20's with the thought that I really didn't want to have kids.  I wanted my own life, and to be selfish.  It started to change when I met H.  I and it's gotten even stronger as I've seen my friends with children and the joy (for the most part lol) of it.  I'll be 35 in two weeks and I have pretty bad baby fever.  I've been selfish for long enough and I want to take on the challenge of being a parent raising a child to be happy and a productive member of society.  I realize there may be some sacrifice to having kids ( I may never get to Bora Bora) but I want to be a parent now more than go on a dream vacation.

I sometimes think if I said to H I changed my mind I don't want kids he would be ok with it.  He knows and we've discussed kids are in the plan, we didn't buy a 5 bedroom home for nothing.