.

pixjt

beachyone15

pixjt said:

We had a run in with my Fiancé's parents.  We are recently engaged after dating for 5 years. She asks to be included in checking out venues.  My first thought was no, but since she was offering us a monetary gift, I conceded and said yes. So we took her along and at the end of the day, she was appalled at the wedding we envision for ourselves.. she told us via email. We are untraditional and she is the exact opposite.  She took her gift back before we accepted it and made it all about how embarrassed she would be inviting her friends to this trashy wedding.  A few days later she realized her wrong doing and apologized.  But I don't want to talk to this woman.  How do I get passed the nasty things she said about the one day that means so much?  And I don't want these 'friends' she is so concerned about at my happy day!  I just want to marry my man.  a little FYI: We are very appreciate of their offering and was not expecting it when we discussed our wedding.  We have always envisioned a wedding we could afford without any help. 

This is what you need to do to plan the wedding you want without her input. Now that you know her feelings on the matter, don't accept ANY money (or promise of money) from her.

JCbride2015

pixjt said:

We had a run in with my Fiancé's parents.  We are recently engaged after dating for 5 years. She asks to be included in checking out venues.  My first thought was no, but since she was offering us a monetary gift, I conceded and said yes. So we took her along and at the end of the day, she was appalled at the wedding we envision for ourselves.. she told us via email. We are untraditional and she is the exact opposite.  She took her gift back before we accepted it and made it all about how embarrassed she would be inviting her friends to this trashy wedding.  A few days later she realized her wrong doing and apologized.  But I don't want to talk to this woman.  How do I get passed the nasty things she said about the one day that means so much?  And I don't want these 'friends' she is so concerned about at my happy day!  I just want to marry my man.  a little FYI: We are very appreciate of their offering and was not expecting it when we discussed our wedding.  We have always envisioned a wedding we could afford without any help. 

What in the heck kind of objection could she have to your venue that's THIS serious?

It's good that you can afford your wedding on your own, because that's what I was going to suggest.  If you are hosting your guests well, go ahead and be as nontraditional as you like.  Just continue to decline any offers of money if she tries to revive the gift.

If she has apologized, just try to move one.  It sounds like she had a temporary freak-out and there is probably something else going on behind the scenes.  You have every right to feel hurt.  But the best thing to do is kill her with kindness.

Good news about paying for your own wedding: you don't have to invite any of her friends.  Just get on the same page with Fi about whom to invite and stick to your guns.

pixjt

So do we accept money if she insists on inviting her friends? We can afford a small wedding, not a 100 plus.  Her gaggle of people puts us over our limit.

lyndausvi

JCbride2015 said:

pixjt said:

We had a run in with my Fiancé's parents.  We are recently engaged after dating for 5 years. She asks to be included in checking out venues.  My first thought was no, but since she was offering us a monetary gift, I conceded and said yes. So we took her along and at the end of the day, she was appalled at the wedding we envision for ourselves.. she told us via email. We are untraditional and she is the exact opposite.  She took her gift back before we accepted it and made it all about how embarrassed she would be inviting her friends to this trashy wedding.  A few days later she realized her wrong doing and apologized.  But I don't want to talk to this woman.  How do I get passed the nasty things she said about the one day that means so much?  And I don't want these 'friends' she is so concerned about at my happy day!  I just want to marry my man.  a little FYI: We are very appreciate of their offering and was not expecting it when we discussed our wedding.  We have always envisioned a wedding we could afford without any help. 

What in the heck kind of objection could she have to your venue that's THIS serious?

It's good that you can afford your wedding on your own, because that's what I was going to suggest.  If you are hosting your guests well, go ahead and be as nontraditional as you like.  Just continue to decline any offers of money if she tries to revive the gift.

If she has apologized, just try to move one.  It sounds like she had a temporary freak-out and there is probably something else going on behind the scenes.  You have every right to feel hurt.  But the best thing to do is kill her with kindness.

Good news about paying for your own wedding: you don't have to invite any of her friends.  Just get on the same page with Fi about whom to invite and stick to your guns.

that is what I'm wondering.

PrettyGirlLost

beachyone15 said:

pixjt said:

We had a run in with my Fiancé's parents.  We are recently engaged after dating for 5 years. She asks to be included in checking out venues.  My first thought was no, but since she was offering us a monetary gift, I conceded and said yes. So we took her along and at the end of the day, she was appalled at the wedding we envision for ourselves.. she told us via email. We are untraditional and she is the exact opposite.  She took her gift back before we accepted it and made it all about how embarrassed she would be inviting her friends to this trashy wedding.  A few days later she realized her wrong doing and apologized.  But I don't want to talk to this woman.  How do I get passed the nasty things she said about the one day that means so much?  And I don't want these 'friends' she is so concerned about at my happy day!  I just want to marry my man.  a little FYI: We are very appreciate of their offering and was not expecting it when we discussed our wedding.  We have always envisioned a wedding we could afford without any help. 

This is what you need to do to plan the wedding you want without her input. Now that you know her feelings on the matter, don't accept ANY money (or promise of money) from her.


And keep her on a need to know basis as far as your planning goes. . .only tell her details she needs to know, such as where and when to show up for the ceremony.

As far as the guest list and her friends, if you are paying for the wedding you get control. I'd suggest sitting down with your FI and having him list all of the relatives and family from his side he would like to invite. Then if budget/venue fire code allows and you feel generous, give FMIL X number of guests to invite. If she tries to go over, you'll have to have a polite but firm way for your FI to let her know that she can't invite beyond that limit.

[Deleted User]

First, take a deep breath.  Second, go have a margarita or four.  Third, start planning the wedding that you and your fiance envision for yourselves.  Start with a guest list and a budget, then go find venues.  If at the end of the day, your MIL writes you a check to use for whatever, go ahead and use it for whatever.  Or tell her that you've already paid for the wedding and will be using her wonderful gift as part of a downpayment on a future home.  (That way she can gift you something generous without having a say in the wedding.)

PrettyGirlLost

pixjt said:

So do we accept money if she insists on inviting her friends? We can afford a small wedding, not a 100 plus.  Her gaggle of people puts us over our limit.

No, not if you don't want them there and don't want to allow her any say or control over your wedding.

Your FI must be firm with her and tell her "I'm sorry mom, but we can only accommodate X number of guests."

DO NOT say we can only afford X number of guests because then she will offer to pay for them.

sarals24

If she's not paying, give her a limited number of guests to invite and let her decide who she wants there. You don't have to do this, obviously, but I do think it's a nice gesture to allow SOME of your in-laws' friends to come, if you have room. My fiance and I paid for half our wedding and my parents paid for the rest, but we split the guest list into thirds...1/3 for us, 1/3 for my parents, 1/3 for his parents. 

If your guest list is, like, 20 people, then just invite who you want and tell her the guest list is closed.

[Deleted User]

pixjt said:

So do we accept money if she insists on inviting her friends? We can afford a small wedding, not a 100 plus.  Her gaggle of people puts us over our limit.

No, you don't have to invite her friends.  My mom's best friend is married to a racist, sexist, homophobic asshole, so I won't be inviting them to my wedding.  I don't care if my mom tried to give me thousands of dollars in trade for an invitation for these two people, I wouldn't do it.

[Deleted User]

PrettyGirlLost said:

So do we accept money if she insists on inviting her friends? We can afford a small wedding, not a 100 plus.  Her gaggle of people puts us over our limit.

No, not if you don't want them there and don't want to allow her any say or control over your wedding. Your FI must be firm with her and tell her "I'm sorry mom, but we can only accommodate X number of guests." DO NOT say we can only afford X number of guests because then she will offer to pay for them.

Yes, the difference in these two words is very important.

AddieCake

If you don't accept any of her money, she cannot push to invite these friends. I'm sorry she was so ugly about this. Glad she apologized, but those were pretty harsh words, and I would be leery.

beachyone15

Yeah, at this point I honestly wouldn't accept any of her money for anything.

I would tell her you can accommodate X many of her friends (if you want to be nice), but I'd still pay for it myself.

JCbride2015

What @PrettyGirlLost and @beachyone15 said: if you don't take her money, whether to invite her friends is entirely up to you and Fi.  It might be a nice gesture to invite a couple of her best friends and their SOs.  But you don't have to.

And the minute you accept money from her, she will steamroll over you again.  Don't take the money.

pixjt

Thank you ladies! The venue was a barn. It was very rustic and it was the first venue we saw. We have since decided on a different place and we are so happy about it! The real problem now is I can't see myself being nice to this woman. I know it's a package deal, and I have to like her for my Fiancé ... But I can hold a grudge.

lyndausvi

pixjt said:

Thank you ladies! The venue was a barn. It was very rustic and it was the first venue we saw. We have since decided on a different place and we are so happy about it! The real problem now is I can't see myself being nice to this woman. I know it's a package deal, and I have to like her for my Fiancé ... But I can hold a grudge.

Not being happy with a wedding venue is not a good enough reason to hold a lifelong grudge.    She did apologize.  Time to move on.

STARMOON44

You're committing to a lifetime with her son. Which means you try not to hold grudges. She did something rude and apologized. Accept her apology and move on.

[Deleted User]

Yeah, feel free to hate her taste, but you can't hate her.  Just note to self, never ask this woman whether she likes an outfit, a meal, a piece of furniture because her taste sucks!  But she must have done something right if she raised the man you're going to marry.  So suck it up, buttercup, and drop the grudge.

pixjt

Its not about the venue, it's the hurtful things she said about us, our wedding and what we are capable of. She accepts our new venue..it's the nasty words you can't take back that I am having a hard time accepting.

pixjt

I have to see her tomorrow so I am going to try my best and be kind and jovial.

[Deleted User]

Yeah, once my FMIL was looking at a photo of me and FH on vacation, squinted to try to see it better, and said, "who is that pregnant woman?" You calling me fat, bitch? And while I'm no stringbean, I'm the skinniest one in this whole damn family, so suck it. But no. While I've never forgotten this rudeness, I would never bring it up or punish her for it. Just deal with the fact that she had a different vision and being taken to a rustic barn just surprised her so much that she let her mouth flap. She's sorry now. And while you don't have to forget what she said, you need to forgive her and move on.

lyndausvi

you do not have to be best friends with the woman. But as your future husband's mother it's better to be at cordial. If she continues to treat you like that then distance yourself from her.

Jen4948

pixjt said:

Its not about the venue, it's the hurtful things she said about us, our wedding and what we are capable of. She accepts our new venue..it's the nasty words you can't take back

Stuck in box

As hurtful as those things are, I think your best course of action is to put distance between yourselves and her now, but leave the door open to the possibility of a reconciliation later.  Give this some time, allow yourself to heal inside, and while you don't have to (and shouldn't) confide in her now, don't hold on to the hurtful things she said.  There may come a time when it will be possible to say, "MIL, what you said about us was very hurtful, but I'd like to put the things behind us and move forward."  You never know.

[Deleted User]

pixjt said:

I have to see her tomorrow so I am going to try my best and be kind and jovial.

you can always do a shot before you see her.

CMGragain

pixjt said:

Its not about the venue, it's the hurtful things she said about us, our wedding and what we are capable of. She accepts our new venue..it's the nasty words you can't take back that I am having a hard time accepting.

She willl be your MIL, like it, or not.  My FMIL threatened to not come to the wedding.  She refused to stand in a reception line with "that bitch" (my mother).  My then FI informed her that he would bodily carry her into the church in her pajamas if she tried boycotting his wedding.  I never stopped smiling at the wedding, though she sat in a corner and cried, and told people that her son was making the worst mistake of his life.  I got lots of sympathetic hugs.
For several years, she would telephone my husband in the middle of the night to tell him about a former girlfriend of his.  She would cry and accuse him of not loving her anymore. 

Then I had her first grandchild.  A magical change took place.  The baby girl was absolutely perfect in her eyes, and I was a good mother.

I never said a word.  I never played her game.  We never fought.  I just took the baby and went home when she misbehaved.  I outlived her.  I won.

Your FMIL cannot hurt you or control you without you playing her game.  Don't play.

lc07

You can be right or you can be happy.

ETA: (In regard to holding the grudge)

downtondiva

You and FI were very smart to envision a wedding you could afford on your own from the start. Stick with that, and should your FMIL come around and offer money again, politely decline. That's really the only way to ensure that you'll have the wedding you want to have. Don't budge on not inviting all her friends either, even if she offers to pay for them herself. Once she is paying for anything she will think she has more of a say in things than she should. And I think it goes without saying that FI should handle his mother in any future conflicts regarding the wedding, not you.

I completely understand that it'd be hard to let go of the nasty things your FMIL said, but refusing to talk to her will not help things. You don't need to be best friends with this woman or even like her, but you'll be doing yourself AND your FI a huge favor if you're at least polite to her. It's always better to be the bigger person.

charlottesmom0626

My mother hated the idea of my wedding. We have booked a beautiful rustic barn with a casual atmosphere and afternoon ceremony. When she saw the venue she originally had nothing nice to say either, and suggested I cancel and book her country club instead.

My mom wanted a very formal evening wedding in a huge banquet room with big elaborate centerpieces, over the top glamor, etc.

What I realized is that in the moment she saw the venue, her "dream" died. She was picturing my wedding since I was a little girl. It took some time for her to readjust that her dream is different from mine. I'm slowly working on getting her on board (we never had the best relationship), but I'm trying to be patient and recognize that it's my wedding. She can dislike whatever she wants, but she's my mother and it will be okay.

I know your FMIL said some hurtful things, but she was probably reacting emotionally and not logically. I'm sure she had ideas of her son's future wedding and those thoughts came out. She said things she shouldn't have. I'm not saying that's okay, but perhaps don't let that dictate your future relationship.

melbenso

pixjt said:

Thank you ladies! The venue was a barn. It was very rustic and it was the first venue we saw. We have since decided on a different place and we are so happy about it! The real problem now is I can't see myself being nice to this woman. I know it's a package deal, and I have to like her for my Fiancé ... But I can hold a grudge.

You don't have to like her.  But you do have to be kind and polite to her for the sake of your relationship with your FI.  She apologized.  Assume it was genuine, and move on.

Sometimes my MIL drives me completely crazy.  She has moments where she acts like a catty 16 year old girl, and I find it really off-putting.  But I do my best to ignore it.  And she also has moments of being completely awesome.  But even if she didn't, I love DH, despite his mom driving me nuts sometimes and I would never do anything to mess up his or my relationship with her. 

And in all fairness, my mom drives him nuts sometimes too.  That's just how it goes.

[Deleted User]

Huh, with the reaction, I really thought the venue would be more outlandish, like a pirate themed wedding, or one of those redneck weddings that end in a mud pit.

pixjt

CMGragain said:

pixjt said:

Its not about the venue, it's the hurtful things she said about us, our wedding and what we are capable of. She accepts our new venue..it's the nasty words you can't take back that I am having a hard time accepting.

She willl be your MIL, like it, or not.  My FMIL threatened to not come to the wedding.  She refused to stand in a reception line with "that bitch" (my mother).  My then FI informed her that he would bodily carry her into the church in her pajamas if she tried boycotting his wedding.  I never stopped smiling at the wedding, though she sat in a corner and cried, and told people that her son was making the worst mistake of his life.  I got lots of sympathetic hugs.
For several years, she would telephone my husband in the middle of the night to tell him about a former girlfriend of his.  She would cry and accuse him of not loving her anymore. 

Then I had her first grandchild.  A magical change took place.  The baby girl was absolutely perfect in her eyes, and I was a good mother.

I never said a word.  I never played her game.  We never fought.  I just took the baby and went home when she misbehaved.  I outlived her.  I won.

Your FMIL cannot hurt you or control you without you playing her game.  Don't play.

Thank you!