How to not invite certain family members to the wedding.

missdelilah

Hi!  I'd really appreciate some advice on this.

I know everyone's families are complicated, but mine potentially more so than others.  I really wanted to invite my oldest half sister and my niece, but doing so would greatly offend both my father and his wife.  On my father's part, he no longer speaks to my sister.  It's sad, but justified, after two decades of drug abuse on her part, deceit, and manipulation.  On my dad's wife's part, she was terribly offended when my sister sent my niece to visit them.  It was the first time she'd been out of the country, she had only met Dad three or four times, and his wife once.  Apparently she barely spoke for the entire trip, ignored everyone, was rude to the girls that she'd been set up with (it was decided that she might be bored with only two much older, virtual strangers, so there was a big effort made to find girls her own age who spoke English and were willing to show her around.  She made no attempt at all to be civil with them, which upset my family.  At one point she didn't bathe for three days, and my dad's wife had to force her to take a shower.  She spent the entire trip staring at her phone, and made such a huge fuss over the first two days about hating the city and being away from her family that her plane ticket had to be changed.

I would be much more comfortable offending my sister and niece by not inviting them, than making the whole event completely uncomfortable for two people who I love very dearly (particularly because Dad is really helping out with the finances).  Is there a politic way of doing this?  My younger half sister suggested having our aunt explain to her why I can't invite her, and that seems sensible, as I think she'd find a much more polite way of doing it than I can.  It also seems like a little bit of a cop out.  

I'd really appreciate your advice on this issue.  Thank you!

JCbride2015

missdelilah said:

Hi!  I'd really appreciate some advice on this.

I know everyone's families are complicated, but mine potentially more so than others.  I really wanted to invite my oldest half sister and my niece, but doing so would greatly offend both my father and his wife.  On my father's part, he no longer speaks to my sister.  It's sad, but justified, after two decades of drug abuse on her part, deceit, and manipulation.  On my dad's wife's part, she was terribly offended when my sister sent my niece to visit them.  It was the first time she'd been out of the country, she had only met Dad three or four times, and his wife once.  Apparently she barely spoke for the entire trip, ignored everyone, was rude to the girls that she'd been set up with (it was decided that she might be bored with only two much older, virtual strangers, so there was a big effort made to find girls her own age who spoke English and were willing to show her around.  She made no attempt at all to be civil with them, which upset my family.  At one point she didn't bathe for three days, and my dad's wife had to force her to take a shower.  She spent the entire trip staring at her phone, and made such a huge fuss over the first two days about hating the city and being away from her family that her plane ticket had to be changed.

I would be much more comfortable offending my sister and niece by not inviting them, than making the whole event completely uncomfortable for two people who I love very dearly (particularly because Dad is really helping out with the finances).  Is there a politic way of doing this?  My younger half sister suggested having our aunt explain to her why I can't invite her, and that seems sensible, as I think she'd find a much more polite way of doing it than I can.  It also seems like a little bit of a cop out.  

I'd really appreciate your advice on this issue.  Thank you!

I think you have to accept that if you don't invite your sister to your wedding, that relationship is pretty much over.  Are you comfortable with that?

There is no nice way to tell her she's not invited.  And hearing it from a third party sounds even worse.  Honestly it is really cowardly IMO to choose not to invite her, and then you won't even personally pick up the phone.

missdelilah

Yes, having my aunt do it did seem like a cop out.  I just know that she's more tactful than I am.  

I probably should have mentioned that I'm not particularly close to this sister, and have only known her for a few years (due to the previously mentioned drug issues she wasn't a part of my life when I was a child.  My sister also didn't invite our eldest half sister to her wedding.  I'm not sure what the ramifications have been.  

Picking up the phone isn't as easy as all that.  The sixteen hour time difference creates a bit of a problem.  We never speak by phone anyway.  The entire relationship is Facebook based.  

Thank you for your input.  I do appreciate it.

JCbride2015

missdelilah said:

Yes, having my aunt do it did seem like a cop out.  I just know that she's more tactful than I am.  

I probably should have mentioned that I'm not particularly close to this sister, and have only known her for a few years (due to the previously mentioned drug issues she wasn't a part of my life when I was a child.  My sister also didn't invite our eldest half sister to her wedding.  I'm not sure what the ramifications have been.  

Picking up the phone isn't as easy as all that.  The sixteen hour time difference creates a bit of a problem.  We never speak by phone anyway.  The entire relationship is Facebook based.  

Thank you for your input.  I do appreciate it.

I know this can't be easy.  Just consider that not inviting her may be a relationship-ending move.  But you know your family better than we do.

chibiyui

Yeah. If you don't want to continue a relationship with her, don't invite her. IF you do want to continue a relationship, invite her. If she RSVPs yes, set her at a different table than your dad and his wife.

CMGragain

Lots of us have bad family situations.  Your family won't change who they are because it is your wedding day.
You are not responsible for how other people feel about your guests, relatives, or not.  You should expect them to behave themselves in public at your wedding.  If they do not, you ask then to leave, firmly, but politely.
Invite the guests whom you want to invite.  Do not invite anyone you do not want to be at your wedding.  The only rule is that you cannot split up couples.  No inviting a wife/fiancee without her partner/husband.
If someone tries to blackmail you by saying, "If she's invited, I'm not coming!", you smile sweetly and say, "I'm sorry.  We willl miss you on our special day."

I chose not to invite the drug dealer and the child molester to my wedding.

missdelilah

Thank you all.  I do realize that this could be a relationship ending decision, and I'm prepared to accept that.  I have the support of all of my family on this one (even the aunt who's really close to said sister).

I am worried that she wouldn't be able to behave herself properly.  I really don't want to risk the very real possibility of her hitting my dad up for money during my reception.  I don't know whether I would be able to ask her to leave the wedding if she didn't behave well, as she would be coming from interstate and most likely staying with other family members who will be there.  I don't think I'd ever end up with the "If she's invited, I'm not coming!" situation.  But I think it would be uncomfortable for quite a few people for her to be there.

Thank you all again for your input.  I'll have to muse on this some more.  We're so far away from sending invitations that I've got months to worry about this one.

lc07

Guys, serious question. I thought it was rude to tell someone they're not invited. I thought it was best to just not send them an invite as opposed to pointing out that they are not invited. Why is this different?

JCbride2015

lc07 said:

Guys, serious question. I thought it was rude to tell someone they're not invited. I thought it was best to just not send them an invite as opposed to pointing out that they are not invited. Why is this different?

I think because it's her sister and somebody who so obviously would normally get an invite.  For something that serious, I think OP needs to have a conversation.  It's still rude, but it seems like the better, more direct alternative to just not saying anything at all.

lc07

JCbride2015 said:

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lc07 said:

Guys, serious question. I thought it was rude to tell someone they're not invited. I thought it was best to just not send them an invite as opposed to pointing out that they are not invited. Why is this different?

I think because it's her sister and somebody who so obviously would normally get an invite.  For something that serious, I think OP needs to have a conversation.  It's still rude, but it seems like the better, more direct alternative to just not saying anything at all.

I see what you're saying, and that makes sense. OP says she isn't close to this sister, though. And that the other sister didn't invite her to her wedding. So being invited may not be assumed.

theartistformerlyknownas

It doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship with this woman to begin with, or like she's particularly interested in developing one. You're not obligated to invite anyone regardless of genetics...if you don't want her there, just don't invite her. Would she really be all that surprised or upset about it?

missdelilah

Thank you for your advice.  I think she assumes that she will be invited, which is what the problem is, and why my family think we need to talk about this.  There was a point where we were closer, but that was several years ago, but from what she's apparently being saying to my aunt, she still expects to be a big part of this.  I think she'll be upset, and she has a tendency to overreact to everything, so I expect some unpleasantness.  She's been hoping that I'll be the one who can repair her relationship with Dad, but I think it's impossible at this point.  

I'm not at all worried that my parents would act badly if she came; only that they would be uncomfortable.  

paperpusher said:

You're not obligated to invite anyone. From the sounds of it you only have an online relationship. Yes, it could be a relationship ending move, but is she honestly expecting an invite? I did not invite one of my sisters to my wedding. Nor did I tell her she wasn't invited. As far as I'm aware she knew what day it would be because it was the only Saturday my brother and other sister would be in town at the same time, but knew no other details. I was terrified she would get details from someone and then show up and cause a scene. Because that's how she is. I wasn't willing to have her come and do that at my wedding. People would say "well I'll call the cops and she'd only be embarassing herself." Well I would have been mortified had that happened.  

I feel the same way.  It's simply about making the day the best possible experience for all the guests, and having the police show up to remove someone is a hassle that no one wants!  

Fortunately I don't have to worry about anyone turning up uninvited.  The venue is too much of a pain to get to, and said family members live in a different state.  

It's kind of odd, but I'd be quite happy to invite her to something else.  Like, if I were having an engagement party at home, that would be fine.  I think it's just the pressure of wanting the wedding to be perfect.  Unfortunately for her I decided that seeing as I'll be in town for about two weeks before the wedding and FH for one, that an engagement party seemed like too much to foist on people.  

Thanks again for your input!  I really appreciate it all.

JCbride2015

missdelilah said:

Thank you for your advice.  I think she assumes that she will be invited, which is what the problem is, and why my family think we need to talk about this.  There was a point where we were closer, but that was several years ago, but from what she's apparently being saying to my aunt, she still expects to be a big part of this.  I think she'll be upset, and she has a tendency to overreact to everything, so I expect some unpleasantness.  She's been hoping that I'll be the one who can repair her relationship with Dad, but I think it's impossible at this point.  

I'm not at all worried that my parents would act badly if she came; only that they would be uncomfortable.  

paperpusher said:

You're not obligated to invite anyone. From the sounds of it you only have an online relationship. Yes, it could be a relationship ending move, but is she honestly expecting an invite? I did not invite one of my sisters to my wedding. Nor did I tell her she wasn't invited. As far as I'm aware she knew what day it would be because it was the only Saturday my brother and other sister would be in town at the same time, but knew no other details. I was terrified she would get details from someone and then show up and cause a scene. Because that's how she is. I wasn't willing to have her come and do that at my wedding. People would say "well I'll call the cops and she'd only be embarassing herself." Well I would have been mortified had that happened.  

I feel the same way.  It's simply about making the day the best possible experience for all the guests, and having the police show up to remove someone is a hassle that no one wants!  

Fortunately I don't have to worry about anyone turning up uninvited.  The venue is too much of a pain to get to, and said family members live in a different state.  

It's kind of odd, but I'd be quite happy to invite her to something else.  Like, if I were having an engagement party at home, that would be fine.  I think it's just the pressure of wanting the wedding to be perfect.  Unfortunately for her I decided that seeing as I'll be in town for about two weeks before the wedding and FH for one, that an engagement party seemed like too much to foist on people.  

Thanks again for your input!  I really appreciate it all.

Well, no wedding is perfect, so you've got to let go of that whether you invite her or not.

Be aware that if you invite a guest to a wedding-related party like an engagement party or a shower, that guest MUST be invited to the wedding.  It's incredibly, over-the-top rude if you don't.

missdelilah

JCbride2015 said:

Be aware that if you invite a guest to a wedding-related party like an engagement party or a shower, that guest MUST be invited to the wedding.  It's incredibly, over-the-top rude if you don't.

Really?  Is that a location dependent thing?  I have tons of friends who invited about three times as many people to the engagement party than they did to the wedding.  I've been invited to engagement parties, but not weddings.  I didn't feel in the least insulted that I wasn't invited to both.  

JCbride2015

missdelilah said:

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JCbride2015 said:

Be aware that if you invite a guest to a wedding-related party like an engagement party or a shower, that guest MUST be invited to the wedding.  It's incredibly, over-the-top rude if you don't.

Really?  Is that a location dependent thing?  I have tons of friends who invited about three times as many people to the engagement party than they did to the wedding.  I've been invited to engagement parties, but not weddings.  I didn't feel in the least insulted that I wasn't invited to both.  

Nope, it is not location-dependent at all.  It's incredibly rude.  Inviting somebody to an e-party or shower creates an expectation they will be invited to the wedding.  E-party is a smaller, more intimate gathering than the wedding.

Go check out the Etiquette board if you want to hear more about this.  I guess if you aren't having an e-party it doesn't directly apply to you anyway, but yeah it's rude to invite someone to an e-party and not the wedding.

Doing it with a shower is even worse because that's basically saying they're good enough to get you a gift, but not good enough to celebrate the actual wedding with you.

missdelilah

I totally understand why inviting someone to a shower and not the wedding would be highly offensive.  Perhaps I should check the Australian equivalent of this website and see whether it says the same thing.  Or perhaps all my friends are just impolite people.  Thanks for the advice.

CMGragain

The engagement party is a party thrown by others, usually the bride's parents, to formally announce their engagement to family and friends.  It is not a gift giving occasion.
Sometime in the recent past, the wedding industry decided that it would change to be a big party for the young couple's friends.  Not the same thing.
In 1976, most people didn't have them unless they were from a wealthy family.  I didn't have one.  My daughter didn't have one, but she did throw a party after she became engaged.  Engaged couples NEVER throw their own engagement party, though they can have a party at any time for any other reason.
It is rude to invite someone to a shower, and not to the wedding, because showers are gift giving occasions by their very nature.  Engagement parties (proper ones) are not.

missdelilah

I've always seen the engagement party simply as a reason to get everyone together (particularly the families) before the wedding and have some fun.  I've never been asked for gifts for an engagement, or known of anyone who has.  I wouldn't attend an engagement party where people were demanding gifts, and that would probably be it for the wedding too.  

Thank you for sharing some of the history of the practice.  It's so interesting to read everyone's experiences.  I know tons of people who have thrown their own engagement parties, and never thought it was odd. It's just an excuse for them to get dressed up and get together with the people they love.  

I know fewer people who've had showers.  The gift giving tends to be done at the wedding (or all totally online now).  I'm totally curious as to whether the traditions are really different from where I come from.  Or at the very least, they seem to be more flexible.  But I'm certainly learning a lot from the people on this site.  I could move the conversation over to the Australian equivalent of this, but I actually find this community a little more informative.  

But you're both absolutely right.  It's incredibly insulting to expect a gift from someone you wouldn't invite to your wedding.  I would never consider putting anyone in that situation.

JCbride2015

I don't know much about Australian etiquette, but it can't hurt to err on the side of not throwing oneself a party.  In general, it's weird for an adult to host a party to honor themselves.

What area in Australia do you live in?  One of my BFFs lives in Perth.

missdelilah

I actually live in the US, but I'm from Sydney, and lived in Melbourne for a few years before I came here.  I've never been to Perth.  Hopefully I'll get there on the next trip or two; it looks beautiful.  

You know, it's entirely possible that my friends' parents paid for their engagement parties, but it still felt as though they were throwing them themselves because the invites were from them.