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I knew the comments were coming.

climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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in Snarky Brides
FI and I are 99.9% sure we are not having children. Just about everyone that knows us is aware - because people like to ask about our reproductive plans often. Over the weekend, we attended a birthday party for a friend's toddler. Another friend was there with her newborn. I held the newborn, as did my FI. The mother took some really cute pictures of us holding her kid and then posted them on FB. 

My friend texted me: You guys holding that baby is so sweet! I really hope you change your minds and have one! 

Someone commented on the picture: I thought you didn't like kids. 

Another friend texted me: You guys would make a really cute kid! 

Why. Why. WHY?!?!?!? 
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Re: I knew the comments were coming.

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    DanikaMarie0227DanikaMarie0227 member
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    I can relate. FI has 3 children (who I love) but we're 99% sure that I am not going to have one of my own. I hear it all the time from people at work "Oh it's so nice that you take care of his children and love them BUT you NEED your own."  I'll figure out what I NEED, and I don't necessarily NEED a child, thanks. Whenever the wedding itself gets mentioned: "Oh good, then you can start having children." Really? Is that why I'm getting married - to start popping out babies? I'm getting married because I love FI and want to be with him forever, children or not. 

    It never ceases to amaze me how people think that another couple's reproductive plans are their business. I'm sure most people mean well but respect other people's choices, geez! 


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    ohannabelleohannabelle member
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    No no no no no. Damn Facebook. People just say stupid things without thinking. 
    Nobody's reproductive plans should be  be discussed in public. 

    (It can be really hurtful as well. People used to say stuff like this to my older sister. Oh, you don't like kids, and, when are you two having a baby blah blah. She'd privately suffered six miscarriages before she decided to quit trying. Every one of those stupid or jokey or intrusive remarks wounded her.)
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    goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member
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    If anything, you love babies because when they cry you can just hand them back to their parents!  ^_^

    My MOH and her boyfriend cannot have children, nor do they want children.  She has her nieces and nephews and she cares for them, but she still hears "REALLY?  You don't want kids at all??"  How hard is that to accept?  That doesn't make her and her boyfriend less legit for never wanting children.  Drives me up the wall.
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    ohannabelle said:
    No no no no no. Damn Facebook. People just say stupid things without thinking. 
    Nobody's reproductive plans should be  be discussed in public. 

    (It can be really hurtful as well. People used to say stuff like this to my older sister. Oh, you don't like kids, and, when are you two having a baby blah blah. She'd privately suffered six miscarriages before she decided to quit trying. Every one of those stupid or jokey or intrusive remarks wounded her.)
    That's so sad for your sister. People can really be so insensitive. 
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    christinethebean88christinethebean88 member
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    Ugh.  I hate this!  In my experience it's directed towards females more than males too.  My FI and I both knew long before we met each other that we didn't want kids.  After we got engaged I told him how I'd been getting comments about it for a good chunk of my life most of which are "Oh, you'll change your mind!" (super annoying!!), but he didn't really believe me.  Now for the almost two years we've been engaged he's been listening to people make comments about our reproductive plans and he actually commented that he couldn't believe how right I was just the other day.  Now I get "Oh, you'll change your mind!" and he gets "Oh, she'll change her mind!" as if it's totally normal for a man to not want kids, but completely unthinkable for a woman to not want them.  
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    iloveotters2014iloveotters2014 member
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    see. I NEVER look comfortable holding an infant hahaha I think that's the key to no one bugging you ;)
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    Cookie PusherCookie Pusher member
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    DH and I love children! We also love returning them to their parents and going back to our regularly scheduled lives. People are often surprised when we say we're not having children because we're always told we're so good with kids, we'd make such beautiful mixed babies (um, offensive much? We're different races, not different species), we'll change our minds when we get older (we're both in our mid-30s), blah blah blah. Nope, no kids for us and that's our choice. We spent 5 hours after our day jobs on Friday working an event for the company we own, then another 13 hours at another event on Saturday. Having children doesn't fit into the lifestyle and the business we've built for ourselves, and everyone just has to suck it up because we're more than happy with our life sans kids.
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    Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
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    We do want children SOMEDAY (I hope!) but I still find this incredibly annoying. We have been married 10 months and it's only getting worse. We are still young and have plenty of time! I don't mind the simple light-hearted questions/comments that much.... but people are REALLY prying now and scrutinizing my every move!
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    rsbloomrsbloom member
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    I hate this too! Probably my biggest pet peeve about weddings. What two people decide to do is between THEM and no one else! 

    I got comments like "Oh long engagement, that's good.  Everyone will know you're not pregnant."  "When can we expect a grandbaby?" "You guys HAVE to have kids soon, so ours can grow up together!" 

    My FI and I are mid 20s, we have PLENTY of time to have kids, but right now it's about US. People just can't separate wedding and babies, even when there are a ton of people having kids, who have no intention of ever getting married.


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    MW5280MW5280 member
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    FI and I went to Oklahoma a few weeks ago for his grandma's 90th bday. (FI has two from a previous marriage, we possibly want one more but these two are more than enough for me at the moment.)

    We were in his uncle's house for less than 90 minutes before someone asked when we were going to have kids. This was the first time I'd met ANY of them - what do you say to that???

    Then FMIL piped up that she thought we should have at least 3 more!!! My jaw completely hit the floor after that. 


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    Starlet514Starlet514 member
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    People are amazing! I just stopped getting bugged by some of my girlfriends after I told them I got an IUD - that'll help keep them quiet for the next 5 years I hope!! I am helping raise new hubby's two teenagers - I didn't really wants kids to begin with and now for sure no!!
    My mom loves to quilt and often makes baby quilts to donate - so she posted on facebook a bunch of new baby quilt fabrics with the comment of "not know which one to start first" - new husband got a phone call from his mom asking if we were pregnant, why she had to find out on facebook, and why my mom got to know first...um... NOT PREGNANT AND NOT GOING TO BE... my mom is just generous and thoughtful...
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    weddingcactusweddingcactus member
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    Yep, this has been happening to me constantly now that I'm recently engaged and many of my friends are just now having babies. We are 99.9% sure we are not having children.  I have recently been trying to share my friends' joyful experience of a first baby by listening to their stories and holding their babies. Somehow observers have decided this means I'm "baby crazy" or feel the need to tell me that they're so sure I'm going to have a baby. Why people? Keep your baby questions and pressures to yourself! I guess at least I don't feel alone in this now...
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    egirl2015egirl2015 member
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    I've been engaged for over a year and NO ONE has been asking about babies.  Not too young either, I’m 33. In fact, the only person to ask about a baby was my FI's 6 year old niece. I've been prepared for it, but no one is asking, which makes me think maybe they all realize what a terrible idea it would be for us to breed.  

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    sarahuflsarahufl member
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    H and I love kids and look forward to having our own.

    That said, I will SLICE the first person who has the nerve to ask me when the kid is coming. Some people have no decency.
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
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    ohannabelle said:
    No no no no no. Damn Facebook. People just say stupid things without thinking. 
    Nobody's reproductive plans should be  be discussed in public. 

    (It can be really hurtful as well. People used to say stuff like this to my older sister. Oh, you don't like kids, and, when are you two having a baby blah blah. She'd privately suffered six miscarriages before she decided to quit trying. Every one of those stupid or jokey or intrusive remarks wounded her.)
    I was JUST going to post how horrible it would be if someone posted or texted "You guys would make a really cute kid!" to the OP, and then it turns out they aren't able to have kids. Salt AND lemon juice on the wounds, for reals.
    People just need to think before they speak (or text).

    My heart goes out to your sister. I can't even begin to imagine the heartache she must have felt.
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    OnceUponSnowOnceUponSnow member
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    edited August 2014
    Yup, FI is in his late 30s and I'm younger, so when we got engaged, he had a few uncles in his family tell him it's about time he got married, and judging by his age, I would probably start popping kids soon. Major eyeroll. 

    We're both childfree by choice.
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    katiebelle2882katiebelle2882 member
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    My view on this is-parents want everyone to be as miserable as they are. Why else would you be so intrusive about something that is so personal!!!????

    I am 32 and going to be marrying a 44 (hes 43 now) year old man. We don't want kids. Not looking forward to what you ladies are talking about. I have also told him this will happen but I swear he doesn't believe how bad it gets for women especially.

    I have experienced the "omg you don't want kids? are you sure?" thing and its infuriating. Frankly,  more people than not should be considering the child free option since I am under the impression people do it bc it's just "what you do" not necessarily what will make you happy.

    I have had SO MANY people (mostly men in their 40's) tell me their love their kids, but they have ruined their marriages (I blame women for this mostly-they seem to forget that their children wouldn't be around if it wasn't for their husband!) and if they could do it all over again they wouldn't have them. I suspect that once many women realize that kids are not all rainbows and unicorns like society tells us they would feel the same way. It's just basically blasphemy for a woman especially to admit this. People always love their kids, but it doesn't mean they wouldn't trade places with people like us if they had a chance to do it all over again!


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    princessleia22princessleia22 member
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    edited August 2014
    novella1186 said:
    A good friend of the family just got married and people who don't know her well are nagging her about having babies. Those of us who do know her well know that she just beat breast cancer and the chemo and radiation therapy made it impossible for her to conceive for at least the next 5 years. Yet another PERFECT example of why people should keep their mouths shut and stay out of other people's business when it comes to something as serious as having children.
    DH and I both feel perfectly happy without having kids... we have dogs instead. We knew this before we met and luckily both felt the same way. For a long time, even when I was single, I got the baby question. My mother used to be one of the big offenders, until I pointed out to her the my chronic back pain & resulting medications would make pregnancy very difficult for me. After she realized that, and my sister gave her a grandkid, she came to terms with me not having kids... and now is pushing me to get tubes tied. The last time she mentioned getting surgery, I finally informed her that DH is sterile, as a result of chemo & radiation for colon cancer 12 years ago. I had hesitated to tell her previously, because it is something personal for DH and it's his business, not anyone else's. But, that kind of makes surgery unnecessary for me. And even if we didn't have the medical issues, I don't think our stance on having kids would be any different, but there is still a difference between "don't want" and "don't want & can't have". I can understand our parents inquiring and pushing us on it, because they do have a vested interest in wanting grandkids. But, everyone else needs to stay out of my uterus (including fetuses). But, now that we are married, I get the "when are you having babies" question even more... from everyone. And I get the "you will change your mind" comments (being in our late 30's-early 40's I doubt it). And "who will take care of you when you are old" questions. And, almost always, the "why" question usually follows after we say we won't be having any. And I don't feel the need to divulge our medical history to the whole world (I am do exactly that right now, but anonymously). And it shouldn't matter WHY we aren't having kids. I usually respond by saying we would rather focus on our careers, enjoy our relationship, and just love on and spoil our awesome nieces & nephews (who we will gladly babysit at any time). And although those reasons are all true, I consider that to be the nice response, because I am often tempted to just say that we are unable to have kids due to tragic medical issues, and watch them feel bad for asking something so personal. Although, then you get people pushing adoption on you. And it all annoys me more now that I'm married. Because why should people assume that kids are a requirement after marriage? I don't remember there being anything about baby making & diaper changing in my wedding vows.

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    princessleia22princessleia22 member
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    Grrr... Sorry... TK ate my paragraphs!

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    steph861steph861 member
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    nicoann said:
    novella1186 said:
    A good friend of the family just got married and people who don't know her well are nagging her about having babies. Those of us who do know her well know that she just beat breast cancer and the chemo and radiation therapy made it impossible for her to conceive for at least the next 5 years. Yet another PERFECT example of why people should keep their mouths shut and stay out of other people's business when it comes to something as serious as having children.
    DH and I both feel perfectly happy without having kids... we have dogs instead. We knew this before we met and luckily both felt the same way. For a long time, even when I was single, I got the baby question. My mother used to be one of the big offenders, until I pointed out to her the my chronic back pain & resulting medications would make pregnancy very difficult for me. After she realized that, and my sister gave her a grandkid, she came to terms with me not having kids... and now is pushing me to get tubes tied. The last time she mentioned getting surgery, I finally informed her that DH is sterile, as a result of chemo & radiation for colon cancer 12 years ago. I had hesitated to tell her previously, because it is something personal for DH and it's his business, not anyone else's. But, that kind of makes surgery unnecessary for me. And even if we didn't have the medical issues, I don't think our stance on having kids would be any different, but there is still a difference between "don't want" and "don't want & can't have". I can understand our parents inquiring and pushing us on it, because they do have a vested interest in wanting grandkids. But, everyone else needs to stay out of my uterus (including fetuses). But, now that we are married, I get the "when are you having babies" question even more... from everyone. And I get the "you will change your mind" comments (being in our late 30's-early 40's I doubt it). And "who will take care of you when you are old" questions. And, almost always, the "why" question usually follows after we say we won't be having any. And I don't feel the need to divulge our medical history to the whole world (I am do exactly that right now, but anonymously). And it shouldn't matter WHY we aren't having kids. I usually respond by saying we would rather focus on our careers, enjoy our relationship, and just love on and spoil our awesome nieces & nephews (who we will gladly babysit at any time). And although those reasons are all true, I consider that to be the nice response, because I am often tempted to just say that we are unable to have kids due to tragic medical issues, and watch them feel bad for asking something so personal. Although, then you get people pushing adoption on you. And it all annoys me more now that I'm married. Because why should people assume that kids are a requirement after marriage? I don't remember there being anything about baby making & diaper changing in my wedding vows.
    I hate this. It's so condescending. Because you clearly know me better than I know myself.
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    danamwdanamw member
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    You can't control everything everyone in the world is going to say. Pick your battles. Just grit your teeth and smile a lot. There are no right comebacks to this.
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    anndee2020anndee2020 member
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    This. This. All of this.

    I am firmly in the camp of remaining child-free by choice. I'm also not quiet about it when asked. Which is way to frequently. And since I'm fairly young (mid - 20's) I always get a pity/condescending look and something along the lines of; "Oh, well, you’re still young yet. You'll change your mind."

    No. No, I won’t. Where I'm from a decent part of my graduating class has kids already and no one thinks twice about that. So if they are so capable of making the decision to take full responsibility for another human being for the next 18 years or so at this age then why am I too young to make the decision to NOT have any???

    Luckily, I have a fantastic guy who agrees with and fully supports this decision and at the end of the day that’s all that matters.

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