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Etiquette

Best friend wants a DW and I can't attend

levioosalevioosa Southern California member
5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

Hello ladies, I've been lurking for a while, and I have a situation I thought you might be able to help me graciously resolve. My best friend just got engaged, and about thirty seconds after it finally sunk in (aka literally five minutes after she said yes), she told us to prepare for a destination wedding in Costa Rica. My heart sunk, but I figured it would be a transient plan since she's never mentioned wanting a wedding there before, and since her plans tend to change frequently and on a whim.

However, it's been awhile now and she hasn't wavered, and it seems like this is something she is really planning on doing. I am ridiculously happy for her, but there is no way I can make a DW work. I am struggling with finances as it is, and I am planning on getting into a 15 month intensive nursing/NP program in the spring. The programs I am looking into are fifteen months straight, you can't work and you are on call 24/7 for internships and clinicals in addition to studying to pass the constant and necessary exams. So on top of not having any available finances to pay for a trip, I absolutely cannot leave for a week for a destination wedding. I want to tell her that I can't make it since I know she is counting on me to be there as a VIP, but I don't want to guilt her into changing her plans so that I can attend. She's not great with etiquette, so I don't think checking with her VIPs first even occurred to her. I also don't want to guilt her into trying to budget me into her planning so she can pay to fly me out there (which is definitely something she would try to do). Even if I could get away for a weekend, I just don't think it would be financially feasible to spend 18 hours in flights to be there for less than a day before turning back.

My question is, how can I bring this up to her without having her feel guilty about her wedding? I am so excited about her getting married, and I want nothing else then to share this moment with her, but it's just looking very dim and it's really stressing me out. Another complication: she hasn't chosen a date yet, and this wedding could be in the next 1-2 years, however, either way it will probably be right in the middle of the program I'm entering into and I will undoubtedly be financially destitute since I will not be able to work for this time period.

ETA: Holy crap, I've been lurking for awhile and I always see posts about how TK hates paragraphs, but now I feel your pain. Trying to get his post into paragraphs has been a nightmare. Shame on you, TK.


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Re: Best friend wants a DW and I can't attend

  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Has she asked you to be a bridesmaid? Or is this just a conversation between besties?

    All you have to say is that you won't have the funds to make it, and that you wish you could attend. That's it. No further explanation necessary from either side.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

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    PrettyGirlLostMegalega14
  • You *could* wait until she sets a date. But it's probably best to tell her now before she makes too many plans. Next time you see her when she starts talking wedding planning, just bring it up that you really don't think you can swing the time off (or the expense) for a DW in Costa Rica. It just won't work with the program you're in. Make it clear that you'd love to still be her sounding board for ideas or you'd be happy to help her with some projects (assuming you have the time). That might help soften the blow if she feels like she still has your support.
    Anniversary
    MairePoppyPrettyGirlLosttheexactleejaprincess24
  • When you get the wedding invitation or if you're asked to be a bridesmaid, you can just politely decline. If she asks why, explain that you won't be in a good place financially.  She may be hurt that you're not going to be able to attend but she should be understanding.   Don't feel guilty about not being to attend her wedding.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

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  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    <br>Thank you for the responses.  She hasn't asked me yet directly to be a bridesmaid, but I'm betting it's because she hasn't set a real date.  I've been trying to tell her before she sets a date to soften the blow.  I've also been trying to tell her to prepare herself since a lot of people probably won't be able to make it.  It would have been a stretch even to have it across the country since her side of the family is on the West Coast and his is from the East Coast.  Her justification is that she wants a really small wedding, and her FI wants a big one, so to eliminate a big wedding, she'll have it where not a lot of people can attend.  I don't think she really thought it through and I think she's going to have it backfire when a lot of her family and friends won't be able to attend a wedding that is out of the country.<br>

    <br>I've also been feeling guilty because I mentioned once that I would apply to a school that is across the country for me but in the town she is living in now in addition to about 5-6 other schools I am applying to and she's convinced that I will not only be accepted there, but that I will definitely move across the country and live with her.  I know she's lonely and it's making it that much harder to break the news to her.<br>    


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  • <br>Thank you for the responses.  She hasn't asked me yet directly to be a bridesmaid, but I'm betting it's because she hasn't set a real date.  I've been trying to tell her before she sets a date to soften the blow.  I've also been trying to tell her to prepare herself since a lot of people probably won't be able to make it.  It would have been a stretch even to have it across the country since her side of the family is on the West Coast and his is from the East Coast.  Her justification is that she wants a really small wedding, and her FI wants a big one, so to eliminate a big wedding, she'll have it where not a lot of people can attend.  I don't think she really thought it through and I think she's going to have it backfire when a lot of her family and friends won't be able to attend a wedding that is out of the country.<br>

    <br>I've also been feeling guilty because I mentioned once that I would apply to a school that is across the country for me but in the town she is living in now in addition to about 5-6 other schools I am applying to and she's convinced that I will not only be accepted there, but that I will definitely move across the country and live with her.  I know she's lonely and it's making it that much harder to break the news to her.<br>    
    Exactly. When a lot of people she actually wants there, including her own best friend, declines she might rethink her justification.

    Some people who use this reasoning assume that people who they "have to" invite will decline due to costs, but assume people who love her will of course find a way to make it financially work. It's almost selfish in a way. And a bit deluded.

    I think if she brings it up again, gently remind her that due to your 15 month long nursing school you won't be able to attend anything, especially a week long something, outside of the country, due to the scheduling conflicts during that time. She might still think that when push comes to shove, her wedding will be an exception and that will be a lesson she'll have to learn. If/When she invites you or asks to be a bridesmaid, repeat your reason.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • That's terrible how she's planning a DW just to get the type of wedding she wants. I think that's an incredibly selfish and immature thing to do. She'll probably realize the hard way that she doesn't get to throw an entire wedding without the input/support of the person she's marrying. 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    To be fair, his mother is a little controlling/manipulative, and so is hers, so I think she figures that by having it far away it will help to control the overbearing parents.  A long distance wedding means that his mom can't invite 100 people and her mom won't be able to invite the nice man she just met at the grocery store two days before the wedding.  


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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'd tell her now, "Friend, I'm very happy for you, but my finances and the nursing program scheduling just don't allow me to travel outside the country to attend destination weddings.  I feel very sad that it isn't possible for me to be there for you, but it isn't possible for me to go."
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Well, this is what happen when people plan DWs that cost people thousands of dollars to attend. The only person I would ever go to a DW for would be my brother and I'd be pissed about it. Hopefully she will see that it might not be the best option for her. I lean towards telling her sooner than later, since if she's a close friend I would want to know.
    novella1186
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    This kind of happened to me.  My advice may come across as harsh but it fit the dynamic with me and my best friend.

    BFF: "We're not even engaged yet but I'm so stressed about planning a wedding. We actually really want to get married in Hawaii."
    ME: "Hawaii!?  Uh.... when?"
    BFF: "Probably next summer"  [the summer before my wedding]
    ME: "Dude.... Hawaii? That's like the most expensive place you can choose. There are no all-inclusives.  Plus, I wouldn't be able to come. FI and I already have our honeymoon booked and he has no more vacation time.  And!  The reception is the worst part- you're worried about the costs in our city but Hawaii will be just as expensive and that much harder because you're so far away. Seriously, if you do Hawaii, nobody's going to be able to go. It's too far away and too expensive."
    BFF:".....yeah...."

    A couple weeks later she was asking my FI about flights and he seemed more enthusiastic than I was, but they didn't end up getting engaged (still) and are now thinking of a local wedding next spring. 

    My advice? Be blunt. This is your best friend and you know how to talk to her. Be real. Your excuse is better than mine and I definitely wasn't shy about it. 
    ________________________________


  • I dislike destination weddings, unless they are small, private ceremonies.
    Your friend is choosing her wedding vision over the convenience of friends and relatives.  There is no reason for you to feel bad about her decision.  Simply tell her that you cannot afford the time or the expense, and wish her happiness.
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    kns1988
  • She's having a DW. When you're having a DW, you realize not everyone can make it. It is what it is. Don't be concerned about dropping that bomb on her, she's going to be getting it a lot. I haven't been able to make it to two DWs for work reasons... the couples were bummed but they were used to people telling them, Sorry - I can't! Best wishes! and didn't hold a grudge.

    If she wanted to ensure everyone she loved would be there, she'd have a conveniently located affair (hell, I don't even live in the US, I live a 27-hour plane ride away but I'm slighting myself and my finances to plan a wedding there so that more people can be there on the day despite it being so inconvenient for FH and I). But if Costa Rica is what she wants, then I wouldn't want to guilt her and try to get her to change her mind. 
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  • Also, in our budget, we've accounted for likely having to fly in and host VIPs if they can't afford to make it to our wedding but want to - she may have thought of that, too. 
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  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm not trying to guilt her, I just needed advice on how best to break the news to her.  I know she's budgeting to fly in a few people (her parents and grandparents), but I think she thinks that I can afford it since I have a full time job.  Unfortunately, said full time job is about to end soon, and I won't have the time or the money to be able to attend.  She's never had a full time conventional job, so I don't think she understands how difficult it is to plan trips like that.  If I was at a different point in my life I would be totally on board for a weeklong vacation in Costa Rica culminating in wedding nuptials.  Unfortunately, that's 3 years in my future, and that's okay.  Life doesn't revolve around me.  I just want her to have the best time with the people she cares about and it makes me sad, but I'm not selfish enough to demand she have it somewhere closer.  Not my place, location is between her and her FI, even if I am one of the people she always counted on being there.    


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  • I think the sweet sentiment you have right now is just how you should break the news to her that you won't be able to make it. You're obviously disappointed you can't join her and when the time presents itself for you to break that to her, you should let her know that.

    You're a good friend but don't worry about how to tell her, just express your disappointment and well wishes. Make arrangements to get together as soon as she gets back because you'll want to hear every detail.
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  • The next time she brings up the wedding, just say "I've been looking at flights, just to get an idea of the cost to attend your wedding, and I know I'm not going to be able to swing it. "
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I'd probably say something like "It sounds like you and your FI will have a beautiful wedding in Costa Rica - kind of blows that I won't be able to share that with you." She'll more than likely say something about you being invited or paying for your and then you can then let her know/remind her that you won't be available to take any kind of vacation for the next 15 months and after that you'll possibly be getting into a new job, so it could be a few years before you have the time to take off more than just a day or two and you don't/won't have that kind of extra money.

  • saacjwsaacjw member
    500 Comments 100 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    Just straight out tell her. One of my very best friends since elementary school couldn't afford to come up to my wedding (he lives out of state). When the invitation came, he called and said "hey, so unfortunately, we just can't afford to make it up." It sucked, he was bummed, I was bummed, BUT I understood, because shit happens and not everyone can travel, even within the country. If she takes it as a guilt trip, she needs a reality check, because your intentions are not to convince her to do something else. 
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • melbensomelbenso Hoth, apparently member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    Do you talk to her about your school plans?  If so, rather than making it a wedding conversation, make it a school conversation.  "I'm really excited to be starting school in X.  It's going to be a lot of work for those 15 months. It will be tough financially, since I won't be able to work elsewhere. And since I'll have to be on call for internships, I won't be able to travel for that whole time.  But in the end, it will be worth it."  Or something like that. 

    See if she catches on.  If not, you'll have to be more direct.  But I do think if she is really counting on you to be at her wedding and you really do want to be there, you should tell her you can't do the destination wedding before she makes any firm plans.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • To be honest, I would question someone who says they can't take a long weekend even once in a 15-month program. I'd just say you need to wait until you get in and have your class schedule and have met with an advisor before you're able to plan any travel. That just sounds so much more reasonable. 

    And since this is your best friend, I'd say a little more than just "I can't afford it". Tell her that you've come up with a budget for the 15 months you'll be in school, and you are saving money not to be able to cover those 15 months, so you don't have any extra for a trip to Costa Rica. It can be difficult saying "I can't afford it" to someone close to you, because they're going to be questioning you if you are buying other things, for example. Even if someone isn't purposely trying to do it, it's hard not to think "How does she have money for a new car if she couldn't afford to come to Costa Rica? Essentially, she thought the car was more important than attending my wedding. I guess she doesn't really care too much about me". 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MandyMost said:
    To be honest, I would question someone who says they can't take a long weekend even once in a 15-month program. I'd just say you need to wait until you get in and have your class schedule and have met with an advisor before you're able to plan any travel. That just sounds so much more reasonable. 

    And since this is your best friend, I'd say a little more than just "I can't afford it". Tell her that you've come up with a budget for the 15 months you'll be in school, and you are saving money not to be able to cover those 15 months, so you don't have any extra for a trip to Costa Rica. It can be difficult saying "I can't afford it" to someone close to you, because they're going to be questioning you if you are buying other things, for example. Even if someone isn't purposely trying to do it, it's hard not to think "How does she have money for a new car if she couldn't afford to come to Costa Rica? Essentially, she thought the car was more important than attending my wedding. I guess she doesn't really care too much about me". 
    This is strange to me.  I have been in accelerated programs, and you get docked points for missing even one class, because it is an accelerated program and everything is kind of crammed.  I can definitely see how this might be the case here, especially for a program like nursing when she needs to be on-call for clinicals.  I think it odd that you would question that. And OP said it would be a week, not a long weekend. 
     
    Thank you for your advice everyone.  I will let her know the next time we talk so she has time to process it.  I am more than willing in this "calm before the storm time" prior to my program to help her plan and research locations and logistics, and hopefully offering that will help to soften the blow. I truly am ecstatic that she is getting married to a man she loves in one of her favorite places.   

    And also to the bolded: Yes, the program is extremely intense.  I've spoken to dozens of people who have been through it and they all say the same thing: your life is no longer your own, the program owns it and those fifteen months are some of the most challenging and miserable (but also rewarding) ones you will ever experience.  Many went weeks without even seeing the people they LIVE with.  The program in whole is actually 3-4 years, but the first 15 months is extremely accelerated and intense.  Missing classes really isn't an option when the first portion of the program is so intense, and I can't sacrifice my future for a wedding, even if that makes me a terrible person.  I think she'll be initially hurt and really bummed out, but I know this isn't a friendship ending move and that she will eventually understand.  

    If it was in the States and just a weekend thing, I could make it with a red eye flight and some prayer, but a week-long getaway is just really out of the question.  I mean, who wouldn't want to go on a week long get away in a tropical resort complete with surfing, zip-lining, snorkeling, hiking and the wedding of their best friend.  It sounds like a fantastic time! 


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  • MandyMost said:
    To be honest, I would question someone who says they can't take a long weekend even once in a 15-month program. I'd just say you need to wait until you get in and have your class schedule and have met with an advisor before you're able to plan any travel. That just sounds so much more reasonable. 

    And since this is your best friend, I'd say a little more than just "I can't afford it". Tell her that you've come up with a budget for the 15 months you'll be in school, and you are saving money not to be able to cover those 15 months, so you don't have any extra for a trip to Costa Rica. It can be difficult saying "I can't afford it" to someone close to you, because they're going to be questioning you if you are buying other things, for example. Even if someone isn't purposely trying to do it, it's hard not to think "How does she have money for a new car if she couldn't afford to come to Costa Rica? Essentially, she thought the car was more important than attending my wedding. I guess she doesn't really care too much about me". 
    This is strange to me.  I have been in accelerated programs, and you get docked points for missing even one class, because it is an accelerated program and everything is kind of crammed.  I can definitely see how this might be the case here, especially for a program like nursing when she needs to be on-call for clinicals.  I think it odd that you would question that. And OP said it would be a week, not a long weekend. 
     
    Thank you for your advice everyone.  I will let her know the next time we talk so she has time to process it.  I am more than willing in this "calm before the storm time" prior to my program to help her plan and research locations and logistics, and hopefully offering that will help to soften the blow. I truly am ecstatic that she is getting married to a man she loves in one of her favorite places.   

    And also to the bolded: Yes, the program is extremely intense.  I've spoken to dozens of people who have been through it and they all say the same thing: your life is no longer your own, the program owns it and those fifteen months are some of the most challenging and miserable (but also rewarding) ones you will ever experience.  Many went weeks without even seeing the people they LIVE with.  The program in whole is actually 3-4 years, but the first 15 months is extremely accelerated and intense.  Missing classes really isn't an option when the first portion of the program is so intense, and I can't sacrifice my future for a wedding, even if that makes me a terrible person.  I think she'll be initially hurt and really bummed out, but I know this isn't a friendship ending move and that she will eventually understand.  

    If it was in the States and just a weekend thing, I could make it with a red eye flight and some prayer, but a week-long getaway is just really out of the question.  I mean, who wouldn't want to go on a week long get away in a tropical resort complete with surfing, zip-lining, snorkeling, hiking and the wedding of their best friend.  It sounds like a fantastic time! 
    Literally nothing about your plans makes you a terrible person. Get that idea out of your head right freaking now. Coming from someone who did a year of law school on a HUGE scholarship, fucked around after my engagement ended & withdrew, and is now going back to law school--starting over as a first year--with yet another HUGE scholarship (80% tuition covered), I would NEVER sacrifice my future [again....] after committing myself to all of this work. She's your best friend, she should understand that.

    I agree to tell her honestly & directly, sooner rather than later. It's a simple conversation of "Listen, I've been thinking a lot about your wedding and the unfortunate reality is that there's no way I can make it. My program is extremely intense, I will have zero opportunity to take time away, and since I can't work for over a year while I'm in the program, my finances are budgeted very tightly to cover my living expenses. I will do anything that I can to be involved and help you out, but I want you know sooner rather than later that I won't be able to attend." Who knows, she might be getting this from other VIPs and realize that she needs to change her plans on her own (with no guilt trip specifically from you).
    PrettyGirlLost
  • OP, I don't think anyone should have to feel guilty. Just have a frank conversation with your friend about your inability to travel. Doesn't matter why, you just can't. This could be food for thought for her. I have a hard time comprehending anyone who considers a DW but doesn't consider the fact that some people they'd like to invite will be unable or unwilling to attend. Your friend needs to consider her plan like this: what if NO ONE attends, would this still be what I want for my wedding? If her answer is yes, all parties should proceed guilt free. She can't expect people to attend nor should anyone else expect that she plans her wedding around anyone else's desires for it.

  • You are NOT a terrible person for putting your financial and educational well being before your friends (presumably) outrageous DW cost. I am not a fan of DWs at all unless it's like less than ten people (certainly dependent on immidiate family). I just couldn't imagine asking people to spend that kind of money to see me get married. I know it's their choice, but I still can't wrap my head about it. 
    PrettyGirlLoststeph861
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OP, I don't think anyone should have to feel guilty. Just have a frank conversation with your friend about your inability to travel. Doesn't matter why, you just can't. This could be food for thought for her. I have a hard time comprehending anyone who considers a DW but doesn't consider the fact that some people they'd like to invite will be unable or unwilling to attend. Your friend needs to consider her plan like this: what if NO ONE attends, would this still be what I want for my wedding? If her answer is yes, all parties should proceed guilt free. She can't expect people to attend nor should anyone else expect that she plans her wedding around anyone else's desires for it.
    And yet, you cannot see that "other" perspective.....
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    RebeccaB88
  • MobKaz said:



    OP, I don't think anyone should have to feel guilty. Just have a frank conversation with your friend about your inability to travel. Doesn't matter why, you just can't. This could be food for thought for her. I have a hard time comprehending anyone who considers a DW but doesn't consider the fact that some people they'd like to invite will be unable or unwilling to attend. Your friend needs to consider her plan like this: what if NO ONE attends, would this still be what I want for my wedding? If her answer is yes, all parties should proceed guilt free. She can't expect people to attend nor should anyone else expect that she plans her wedding around anyone else's desires for it.

    And yet, you cannot see that "other" perspective.....
    image


    @mobkaz, I've never said I don't understand or comprehend counterpoints to the way I see and feel. I just don't see or feel similarly. I understand a lot of different pov's. Doesn't mean I follow suit. I just have a hard time trying to comprehend anyone planning international travel and expecting that others will join (not saying this is what the op's friend expects). Just like you have a hard time comprehending how I view my own plans. Different strokes..... But I'm sure the Gosling fan girls appreciate your gif. I don't like my men so pretty, so next you post a dude for my benefit can you find someone a little more, (pardon the cliche) bad boy looking? Thanks.

  • MandyMost said:
    To be honest, I would question someone who says they can't take a long weekend even once in a 15-month program. I'd just say you need to wait until you get in and have your class schedule and have met with an advisor before you're able to plan any travel. That just sounds so much more reasonable. 

    And since this is your best friend, I'd say a little more than just "I can't afford it". Tell her that you've come up with a budget for the 15 months you'll be in school, and you are saving money not to be able to cover those 15 months, so you don't have any extra for a trip to Costa Rica. It can be difficult saying "I can't afford it" to someone close to you, because they're going to be questioning you if you are buying other things, for example. Even if someone isn't purposely trying to do it, it's hard not to think "How does she have money for a new car if she couldn't afford to come to Costa Rica? Essentially, she thought the car was more important than attending my wedding. I guess she doesn't really care too much about me". 
    This is strange to me.  I have been in accelerated programs, and you get docked points for missing even one class, because it is an accelerated program and everything is kind of crammed.  I can definitely see how this might be the case here, especially for a program like nursing when she needs to be on-call for clinicals.  I think it odd that you would question that. And OP said it would be a week, not a long weekend. 
    Honestly, I'm just trying to give you some suggestions as to what the rebuttal will be. Compromises, like only going for a long weekend instead of a week. I understand intense programs/schedules--I got my masters and PhD while working full-time, and my fiance did law school at night and also studied for the bar while working full time. It's intense. And the program DOES own you. But not every minute of every day. There will be occasional weekends off, or holidays, or a break between class sessions. It will seem unreasonable to say to others "I can't do anything for 15 months"...but once you have your schedule you can instead say "I will have Christmas day off but will likely have clinical on christmas eve and the day after Christmas, so I can't travel then. There is a 2-week break between classes in January, but I'm expected to be working at an internship then", for example. People can't argue with that the same way. To be clear, I'm not trying to argue with you, I'm just showing you what other people might say (such as the bride). I got a lot of crap for "being too busy with school" to do things, and this is what worked best for me.
  • A friend's son had a DW in Costa Rica about a year ago.  My friend's (HIS MOM) immediate reaction was to tell him, "I can see that.  I know how much the two of you like to travel.  But just understand that I may not be able to make it."

    While, of course he wanted his mom to come, he understood she may not be able to and was fine with that also.  She did end up going, but was borderline about it for a long time.

    At any rate, I just wanted to point out that your friend will probably (hopefully) be a lot more understanding about it than you think.

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  • MandyMost said:




    MandyMost said:

    To be honest, I would question someone who says they can't take a long weekend even once in a 15-month program. I'd just say you need to wait until you get in and have your class schedule and have met with an advisor before you're able to plan any travel. That just sounds so much more reasonable. 

    And since this is your best friend, I'd say a little more than just "I can't afford it". Tell her that you've come up with a budget for the 15 months you'll be in school, and you are saving money not to be able to cover those 15 months, so you don't have any extra for a trip to Costa Rica. It can be difficult saying "I can't afford it" to someone close to you, because they're going to be questioning you if you are buying other things, for example. Even if someone isn't purposely trying to do it, it's hard not to think "How does she have money for a new car if she couldn't afford to come to Costa Rica? Essentially, she thought the car was more important than attending my wedding. I guess she doesn't really care too much about me". 

    This is strange to me.  I have been in accelerated programs, and you get docked points for missing even one class, because it is an accelerated program and everything is kind of crammed.  I can definitely see how this might be the case here, especially for a program like nursing when she needs to be on-call for clinicals.  I think it odd that you would question that. And OP said it would be a week, not a long weekend. 

    Honestly, I'm just trying to give you some suggestions as to what the rebuttal will be. Compromises, like only going for a long weekend instead of a week.

    I understand intense programs/schedules--I got my masters and PhD while working full-time, and my fiance did law school at night and also studied for the bar while working full time. It's intense. And the program DOES own you. But not every minute of every day. There will be occasional weekends off, or holidays, or a break between class sessions. It will seem unreasonable to say to others "I can't do anything for 15 months"...but once you have your schedule you can instead say "I will have Christmas day off but will likely have clinical on christmas eve and the day after Christmas, so I can't travel then. There is a 2-week break between classes in January, but I'm expected to be working at an internship then", for example. People can't argue with that the same way.

    To be clear, I'm not trying to argue with you, I'm just showing you what other people might say (such as the bride). I got a lot of crap for "being too busy with school" to do things, and this is what worked best for me.

    I know you're just trying to help the OP prepare for the worst, I just can't believe people get this pushy about other people's time and money!!! I can't imagine saying to anyone what I think about their free time, even if I'm factually correct. It's an invite not a summons!


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