What else can I do?

mrsbuzzlightyear

My wedding is around 9 weeks away now, and I've been having a really hard time getting in contact with one of my bridesmaids. We don't see each other as much as we used to anymore since I moved a few hours away, but I tried texting her and texting her and didn't hear from her in a month. When I did, it was after I'd sent her three Facebook messages. (Note: I spaced these things out because I don't wanna seem overbearing or annoy her, y'know?) Then she said she switched her cell number. I don't have her new number, and I do kinda wonder if it's true because she never made any attempt to make sure I had it or knew she changed it. It didn't occur to me until after this conversation to get it from her, and now I haven't heard from her since. I try not to talk about wedding stuff unless it's necessary because, really, no one cares about my wedding as much as I do and I know they don't wanna hear it. I try to talk to her about work (we both work for the same company and the company's got some major changes happening right now) or just send her a "hey, how's it going?" message, but she doesn't respond to anything I send her. So I sent her this message yesterday: 

Hey! Haven't heard from you in a while, but I just wanted to let you know that if you'd still like to be one of my awesometastic bridesmaids, you have 9 weeks left to order your dress. If you don't want to, that's perfectly fine and I completely understand -- definitely would still love to have you there regardless! Just let me know! Love you booboo!

I haven't heard from her yet, and normally she's not this flakey, so I'm not sure what it is. I get the strong feeling she doesn't want to be in the wedding anymore, which is totally fine! I understand that there are reasons for that. But I'd at least like to know what's going on. Anyone got any suggestions on what else I can do?

*Barbie*

if she works for the same company as you, can't you look her up in the employee directory and give her a call at that number? i wouldn't even mention the wedding - just that she seems to have fallen off the face of the earth, and you wanted to find out what was going on and if she was ok. 

Worry about her as a friend first and a bridesmaid last. I'm sure she knows when the wedding is and what she needs to do to fulfill the BM requirements (buy the dress, show up prior to the start of the ceremony, walk, stand). Worst case for you is that you plan on her being a BM and she's a no show. 

mrsbuzzlightyear

We don't have an employee directory -- we both work for a kids' clothing store, different locations now, and we just don't have that kind of information for employees of other locations. I'll just stop mentioning the wedding entirely, though -- other than the above reminder about the dress (because those things do take time to order, and  sometimes that could be 6-8 weeks) nothing else is really important. I know I'm not terribly great at being a friend, I never have been, but it's just frustrating that every time I message her even just to say hi, she doesn't respond.

larrygaga

Can you think of anything you might have said or done to really upset her? Best friends don't switch numbers without telling each other. Think long and hard and see where something might have gone wrong!

Don't bug her anymore about being a bridesmaid. If she shows up in her dress at your wedding, great! If not, that really sucks but there isn't anything you can do. Keep her in the program or whatever you normally would have done and let it go. 

Please assume it's something you did, because it's really better safe than sorry. However, could it be that she got jealous or sad? It can often be very hard on friends and close family members during a wedding. Weddings can make everyone, from bride to grandma to high school friend, go crazy.

MegEn1

larrygaga said:

Can you think of anything you might have said or done to really upset her? Best friends don't switch numbers without telling each other. Think long and hard and see where something might have gone wrong!

Don't bug her anymore about being a bridesmaid. If she shows up in her dress at your wedding, great! If not, that really sucks but there isn't anything you can do. Keep her in the program or whatever you normally would have done and let it go. 

Please assume it's something you did, because it's really better safe than sorry. However, could it be that she got jealous or sad? It can often be very hard on friends and close family members during a wedding. Weddings can make everyone, from bride to grandma to high school friend, go crazy.

I'd lose my shit if I didn't hear from a bridesmaid for months and she turned up at the wedding, either as a bridesmaid or not as a bridesmaid. I know a bridesmaid is only responsible for showing up in the dress for the pictures, but I don't think it's far off to assume that by doing so, you KNOW she's going to show up in a dress ready for pictures.

raissyrais

Yes that would indeed be kind of rude if she just showed up like that, almost mocking the bride. @mrsbuzzlightyear  I suggest you slowly come to pick another bridesmaid if this current one is absolutely not giving you any sign of life. Either something is happening that is preventing her from keeping in touch with you/people in general (like a serious illness, fatality, family problems, pregnancy or she's in  love with your FI) or maybe you did something to her and she clearly doesn't want to be friends with you anymore. Or as someone else suggested, she's jealous or has resentment, loneliness, sadness built up and seeing you get married could cause her to breakdown. Regardless, I think it's very rude of her to be keeping you in the dark and she should just be a mature adult and just tell you if she doesn't want to be in your WP anymore. 

mrsbuzzlightyear

larrygaga said:

Can you think of anything you might have said or done to really upset her? Best friends don't switch numbers without telling each other. Think long and hard and see where something might have gone wrong!

Don't bug her anymore about being a bridesmaid. If she shows up in her dress at your wedding, great! If not, that really sucks but there isn't anything you can do. Keep her in the program or whatever you normally would have done and let it go. 

Please assume it's something you did, because it's really better safe than sorry. However, could it be that she got jealous or sad? It can often be very hard on friends and close family members during a wedding. Weddings can make everyone, from bride to grandma to high school friend, go crazy.

I know she's been going through period of just cutting everyone off and saying she's just gonna run away from everything, so I'm starting to think that might be part of it. We're not "best friends," I mean, we're good friends (at least I thought we were) but I don't think either of us would consider each other our "best" friend. You're right, though, it could have been something I did. I honestly can't think of anything, but that doesn't mean that I didn't unknowingly offend her or something. 

mrsbuzzlightyear

raissyrais said:

Yes that would indeed be kind of rude if she just showed up like that, almost mocking the bride. @mrsbuzzlightyear  I suggest you slowly come to pick another bridesmaid if this current one is absolutely not giving you any sign of life. Either something is happening that is preventing her from keeping in touch with you/people in general (like a serious illness, fatality, family problems, pregnancy or she's in  love with your FI) or maybe you did something to her and she clearly doesn't want to be friends with you anymore. Or as someone else suggested, she's jealous or has resentment, loneliness, sadness built up and seeing you get married could cause her to breakdown. Regardless, I think it's very rude of her to be keeping you in the dark and she should just be a mature adult and just tell you if she doesn't want to be in your WP anymore. 

I'm not gonna pick another bridesmaid just because things didn't work out with her. Things unfortunately happen, there's not much more I can do about it other than taking the advice I've been given here about how to handle it. 

raissyrais

Then you don't need a replacement and that's fine. Just be prepared for the fact that she might or might not show up at your wedding. Good luck to you

*Barbie*

raissyrais said:

Yes that would indeed be kind of rude if she just showed up like that, almost mocking the bride. @mrsbuzzlightyear  I suggest you slowly come to pick another bridesmaid if this current one is absolutely not giving you any sign of life. Either something is happening that is preventing her from keeping in touch with you/people in general (like a serious illness, fatality, family problems, pregnancy or she's in  love with your FI) or maybe you did something to her and she clearly doesn't want to be friends with you anymore. Or as someone else suggested, she's jealous or has resentment, loneliness, sadness built up and seeing you get married could cause her to breakdown. Regardless, I think it's very rude of her to be keeping you in the dark and she should just be a mature adult and just tell you if she doesn't want to be in your WP anymore. 

...wow, that's horrible advice. it must suck for you to have friends that are so easily replaceable. 

Heffalump

*Barbie* said:

show previous quotes

raissyrais said:

Yes that would indeed be kind of rude if she just showed up like that, almost mocking the bride. @mrsbuzzlightyear  I suggest you slowly come to pick another bridesmaid if this current one is absolutely not giving you any sign of life. Either something is happening that is preventing her from keeping in touch with you/people in general (like a serious illness, fatality, family problems, pregnancy or she's in  love with your FI) or maybe you did something to her and she clearly doesn't want to be friends with you anymore. Or as someone else suggested, she's jealous or has resentment, loneliness, sadness built up and seeing you get married could cause her to breakdown. Regardless, I think it's very rude of her to be keeping you in the dark and she should just be a mature adult and just tell you if she doesn't want to be in your WP anymore. 

...wow, that's horrible advice. it must suck for you to have friends that are so easily replaceable.


SITB, but I actually prefer to treat my friends as light bulbs:  when one burns out, I just toss her and pop in a fresh one.  Easy peasy!

raissyrais

Heffalump said:

show previous quotes

*Barbie* said:

raissyrais said:

Yes that would indeed be kind of rude if she just showed up like that, almost mocking the bride. @mrsbuzzlightyear  I suggest you slowly come to pick another bridesmaid if this current one is absolutely not giving you any sign of life. Either something is happening that is preventing her from keeping in touch with you/people in general (like a serious illness, fatality, family problems, pregnancy or she's in  love with your FI) or maybe you did something to her and she clearly doesn't want to be friends with you anymore. Or as someone else suggested, she's jealous or has resentment, loneliness, sadness built up and seeing you get married could cause her to breakdown. Regardless, I think it's very rude of her to be keeping you in the dark and she should just be a mature adult and just tell you if she doesn't want to be in your WP anymore. 

...wow, that's horrible advice. it must suck for you to have friends that are so easily replaceable.


SITB, but I actually prefer to treat my friends as light bulbs:  when one burns out, I just toss her and pop in a fresh one.  Easy peasy!

Was just a suggestion girls, just a suggestion

mrsbuzzlightyear

Hey everyone! I just wanted to give y'all an update about the situation -- again, thank you so much for your advice. My friend says she's not able to be a bridesmaid, but she's gonna be there no matter what which really means a lot to me. She promised me she's just been kinda flakey recently and that it wasn't anything I did. AND she remembered to give me her new cell number, which makes me happy because I think that was really a major communication issue for us.