Which is ruder? Tell me what to do

Knottie22177400

Unfortunately I have found myself in a pretty sticky etiquette situation I hope all of you can help me out with. I will do my best to keep this short while still including all relevant information:

We sent RSVPs out to our guests back in February. A couple of days after sending them out my parents asked me to include one of their cousins and aunts on the guest list. I replied that I would invite them but didn't send a STD. A couple of months later we had a meeting with the venue and found out the space was more limiting than we had first realized and that our guest list now exceeded the space by about 35 people. This was an unpleasant surprise but since our guest list was almost entirely people traveling we figured we would risk it. I realize this wasn't the most etiquette friendly way to proceed but we didn't really have much of a choice since we had sent out Save the Dates to everyone and were in pretty deep with this venue.

Anyway we sent out our invitations about a month ago and hoped for the best. A couple of days ago my mom asks me about the invitation for her cousin/aunt because they haven't received it. I told her I was so sorry, I had completely forgotten about them and unfortunately we just don't have the room to invite them.

What should I do now?

a) Call the cousin and explain that there was a misunderstanding with the guest list. "I am sorry you were told you would be getting an invitation but unfortunately we have less space than we thought we would."

b) Invite the relatives and hope for the best. Altogether this would include probably 6 more people who would definitely be coming. We have received some declines but not enough that we are in the clear yet.

c) Wait until we get enough declines that we can fit all of these people and send them invites.

d) Send them invites now but call and tell them we don't have enough space right now and we will let them know if there is an opening.

e) Your suggestion

southernbelle0915

Obviously you know what you did wrong, but for lurkers: 1) never invite over capacity and 2) if you invite people verbally, that's considered an invitation.

Definitely NOT option A. You told your mom that you were inviting aunt and cousin, so obviously she relayed that information to them. I think since the invite indirectly came from you (you said you were going to), you need to extend the invitation. Don't B-list them (your option C and D). 

I think option B is your best bet. You made the critical mistake of inviting over capacity and you're going to have to figure it out. It's your problem to solve - don't make it their problem. Host them graciously.

manateehugger

Big fat NO to C and D - that's called b-listing and it's incredibly rude and offensive.

I wouldn't do A either because notifying people they aren't invited is also rude. Honestly, at this point, it sounds like you don't have the space, so you can't really invite them without increasing your risk of overflowing your venue (you should have found a different venue or cut your guest list). Mom will have to deal with it.

You've got enough issues hoping you get enough declines; do you have a back up plan if you don't meet the right number?

theartistformerlyknownas

Knottie22177400 said:

Unfortunately I have found myself in a pretty sticky etiquette situation I hope all of you can help me out with. I will do my best to keep this short while still including all relevant information: 

 We sent RSVPs out to our guests back in February. A couple of days after sending them out my parents asked me to include one of their cousins and aunts on the guest list. I replied that I would invite them but didn't send a STD. A couple of months later we had a meeting with the venue and found out the space was more limiting than we had first realized and that our guest list now exceeded the space by about 35 people. This was an unpleasant surprise but since our guest list was almost entirely people traveling we figured we would risk it. I realize this wasn't the most etiquette friendly way to proceed but we didn't really have much of a choice since we had sent out Save the Dates to everyone and were in pretty deep with this venue. 

 Anyway we sent out our invitations about a month ago and hoped for the best. A couple of days ago my mom asks me about the invitation for her cousin/aunt because they haven't received it. I told her I was so sorry, I had completely forgotten about them and unfortunately we just don't have the room to invite them. What should I do now? 

a) Call the cousin and explain that there was a misunderstanding with the guest list. "I am sorry you were told you would be getting an invitation but unfortunately we have less space than we thought we would." 

b) Invite the relatives and hope for the best. Altogether this would include probably 6 more people who would definitely be coming. We have received some declines but not enough that we are in the clear yet. 

c) Wait until we get enough declines that we can fit all of these people and send them invites. 

d) Send them invites now but call and tell them we don't have enough space right now and we will let them know if there is an opening. 

e) Your suggestion

First bolded: did you mean you sent STDs back in February? That makes more sense. 

Point A: so your mom told her cousin that she was invited, when in fact she is not? And said cousin has not received a STD? This is on your mom to call her and say "I'm very sorry, I was mistaken - Knottie was not actually able to accommodate you." B is too risky, and C is B-listing and very rude. However, if cousin says "well maybe there will be room if people decline?" then I don't particularly have a huge issue with it. D is a terrible idea.

RE: the overall problem though... I would push back on the venue if they've made rule changes since you booked them. Bait 'n' switch is not cool. Ask if there's any way, if your RSVPs exceed capacity, to make room for them. Maybe you eliminate the dance floor during dinner and the move those tables elsewhere once dinner is done. You need to address this ASAP. Otherwise your venue could be turning people away at the door.

Last suggestion... please change your username to something besides the default so we can more easily keep you separate from all the other billion Knottie####s.

manateehugger

Double post

beethery

So RSVPs went out in February, or STDs? Just need a little clarification before I can even attempt to figure this out.

Knottie22177400

Sorry, I meant it was save the dates in February. And no the cousin did not receive an STD.

The reasoning behind option A: My mother told her she was invited because I said I would add her to the list. I didn't realize she would tell her that (or that they even talked at all) so that's why it slipped my mind to bring it up again as soon as we knew we didn't have the space.

theartistformerlyknownas

Knottie22177400 said:

Sorry, I meant it was save the dates in February. And no the cousin did not receive an STD. The reasoning behind option A: My mother told her she was invited because I said I would add her to the list. I didn't realize she would tell her that (or that they even talked at all) so that's why it slipped my mind to bring it up again as soon as we knew we didn't have the space.

That's why I feel like this is Mom's problem to fix... if she's not the host, she can't tell people they're invited. The verbal invite didn't come from you, I don't think that makes you obligated to host her, especially if you don't have the room. Your mom spoke out of turn, albeit inadvertently.

novella1186

I agree, it's mom's problem to fix. She had no business telling extra people they're definitely invited. I have the same issues with my mom; she would invite the mail man and my dog's vet along with any random person who waived at her. 

However, would it really ruin everything to have those 6 extra people? Typically if people have to travel to the wedding, about 30% will not come, so I don't know how many you have initially invited but you might have a very good chance of hitting your target number. Secondly, if there's no chance of hitting the target number and you have too many people anyway, what difference will a few more make? Just playing devil's advocate. I might consider squeezing them in rather than hurting feelings and causing a rift in your family. But your mom did it, it's her job to address and fix it for sure. 

steph861

novella1186 said:

I agree, it's mom's problem to fix. She had no business telling extra people they're definitely invited. I have the same issues with my mom; she would invite the mail man and my dog's vet along with any random person who waived at her. 

However, would it really ruin everything to have those 6 extra people? Typically if people have to travel to the wedding, about 30% will not come, so I don't know how many you have initially invited but you might have a very good chance of hitting your target number. Secondly, if there's no chance of hitting the target number and you have too many people anyway, what difference will a few more make? Just playing devil's advocate. I might consider squeezing them in rather than hurting feelings and causing a rift in your family. But your mom did it, it's her job to address and fix it for sure. 

I'm assuming that the problem here is a potential fire code violation.

beethery

novella1186 said:

I agree, it's mom's problem to fix. She had no business telling extra people they're definitely invited. I have the same issues with my mom; she would invite the mail man and my dog's vet along with any random person who waived at her. 

However, would it really ruin everything to have those 6 extra people? Typically if people have to travel to the wedding, about 30% will not come, so I don't know how many you have initially invited but you might have a very good chance of hitting your target number. Secondly, if there's no chance of hitting the target number and you have too many people anyway, what difference will a few more make? Just playing devil's advocate. I might consider squeezing them in rather than hurting feelings and causing a rift in your family. But your mom did it, it's her job to address and fix it for sure. 

Always, always, plan for 100% attendance, just to be safe. And like Steph said, the venue might flip out about attendance being over fire code which could cause a biiiiiiiiig problem.

It is definitely mom's issue to deal with cousin and aunt.

danamw

B-listing may be rude in theory, but the catch is, is isn't supposed to be common knowledge that you are doing it.

It is ok if the B crowd doesn't know about it! I was on the A list once for a wedding invitation list. the Bride's Mom asked me if I was going to decline (I was), do it quickly so they could put together the B list.

I don't even know why I was A list anyway. Me and hub were friends with the Bride's mom. The bride and groom never paid us any attention.

theartistformerlyknownas

danamw said:

B-listing may be rude in theory, but the catch is, is isn't supposed to be common knowledge that you are doing it.

It is ok if the B crowd doesn't know about it! I was on the A list once for a wedding invitation list. the Bride's Mom asked me if I was going to decline (I was), do it quickly so they could put together the B list.

I don't even know why I was A list anyway. Me and hub were friends with the Bride's mom. The bride and groom never paid us any attention.

No... it's not. It's still a horrible thing to do. Anyway, chances are they'll figure it out.

southernbelle0915

I think I need some clarification, OP. Did your mom just invite your aunt and cousin without telling you?

Or did she come to you first and ask that they be added to the guest list and then you told her they were added? 

If the former, I think it's her problem to fix. If the latter, you need to solve the issue without B-listing.

Knottie22177400

southernbelle0915 said:

I think I need some clarification, OP. Did your mom just invite your aunt and cousin without telling you?

Or did she come to you first and ask that they be added to the guest list and then you told her they were added? 

If the former, I think it's her problem to fix. If the latter, you need to solve the issue without B-listing.

It's the latter. How would you suggest I fix it?

AshStella1

Well B, C, and D, are totally out of the question!  Please do not think of doing any of these, it is incredibly rude and here's why:

B.  You are already running the risk of overflowing guests so why would you take the chance to add more?  Always assume 100% attendance, even though you've gotten some declines already you may not get any more.  If you have more than the venue can hold that is a BIG problem. 

C. This is called B-Listing and it is RUDE, even if your guests don't know about it.  Why would you want to deceive them?  And what if you don't get enough declines for another month?  Are you going to send out the invites 2 weeks before the wedding?  

D.  This is the worst of all.  Rude, rude, rude!  Can you imagine if you got an invitation in the mail and someone called you up to say "just kidding!  We actually can't invite you just yet, but please wait on the edge of your seat for us to call you up as soon as our other, more important guests say no!" 

I do think it would be rude to just leave them hanging, especially since for your mom mistakenly told her she was getting an invite.  The best thing to do is to either A or E: Have your mom call and say there was a mistake.  

Honestly I can't imagine any of these guests would mind not getting invited (your mom's cousin and aunt?  You guys must be a really close family because I don't think I even know any of those distant relatives, let alone invited them to my wedding) What they WILL mind though, is being B-Listed, not have enough room to sit at the reception, or getting an invitation that's immediately taken back.

southernbelle0915

Knottie22177400 said:

I think I need some clarification, OP. Did your mom just invite your aunt and cousin without telling you?

Or did she come to you first and ask that they be added to the guest list and then you told her they were added? 

If the former, I think it's her problem to fix. If the latter, you need to solve the issue without B-listing.

It's the latter. How would you suggest I fix it?

I think you need to send them an invitation - like today - and find a way to accommodate them. My venue could accommodate different numbers of people based on what style tables I used and how it was set up. Try looking into that.

If that doesn't work and their absolute max/fire code limit is 35 people, I would find another venue that can accommodate all the people you invited. It's not ideal and you'll be making a lot of phone calls and last minute arrangements. Luckily for you, it sounds like your max guest count will be about 41 people. If that's the case, you can probably find a private room at a restaurant that can do this without needing to do a lot of complicated coordinating.

If your mom had just said "hey, I invited these people" and you had been like "sorry, that's over cap and it's your problem to fix", then I'd agree with PPs that it's her problem to fix. However, it sounds like she asked and you said "ok sure, they're added to the list", which is why I don't think the problem belongs with your mom, and certainly not with your aunt/cousin. 

Knottie22177400

southernbelle0915 said:

Knottie22177400 said:

I think I need some clarification, OP. Did your mom just invite your aunt and cousin without telling you?

Or did she come to you first and ask that they be added to the guest list and then you told her they were added? 

If the former, I think it's her problem to fix. If the latter, you need to solve the issue without B-listing.

It's the latter. How would you suggest I fix it?

I think you need to send them an invitation - like today - and find a way to accommodate them. My venue could accommodate different numbers of people based on what style tables I used and how it was set up. Try looking into that.

If that doesn't work and their absolute max/fire code limit is 35 people, I would find another venue that can accommodate all the people you invited. It's not ideal and you'll be making a lot of phone calls and last minute arrangements. Luckily for you, it sounds like your max guest count will be about 41 people. If that's the case, you can probably find a private room at a restaurant that can do this without needing to do a lot of complicated coordinating.

If your mom had just said "hey, I invited these people" and you had been like "sorry, that's over cap and it's your problem to fix", then I'd agree with PPs that it's her problem to fix. However, it sounds like she asked and you said "ok sure, they're added to the list", which is why I don't think the problem belongs with your mom, and certainly not with your aunt/cousin. 

Actually we didn't just invite 35 people.  We invited 35 people over the absolute max.  So what you are saying is our only option is to find a new venue that will accommodate 166 people?  

theartistformerlyknownas

IDK, I still think Mom calls those cousins and says she was mistaken, even if she did ask you first. She doesn't have the authority to speak on your behalf, especially since she's not the one having conversations with the venue about capacity changing. It's an honest mistake, but she needs to correct it. Her word is not binding and her cousin should understand that.

As to the other 35 over the max - call your venue TODAY. Say that you're very disappointed in the change in capacity (or was it your own misunderstanding? that's a different story) and that it presents serious problems for you Ask if this new limit is fire code or if they've merely revised how many the venue will comfortably seat. See if you can work out a solution - different size/shaped tables, move the dance floor, etc. Tell them if you cannot come to an agreement to seat a max of ## people (whatever your total invited minus current declines is at right now) you will be forced to move the reception (and eat your deposit). See what they can do. Otherwise the 6 cousins will be the least of your worries, as you'll have to call as many as 35 people and revoke their invitation, and they'll likely never speak to you again.

MGP

Knottie22177400 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Knottie22177400 said:

I think I need some clarification, OP. Did your mom just invite your aunt and cousin without telling you?

Or did she come to you first and ask that they be added to the guest list and then you told her they were added? 

If the former, I think it's her problem to fix. If the latter, you need to solve the issue without B-listing.

It's the latter. How would you suggest I fix it?

I think you need to send them an invitation - like today - and find a way to accommodate them. My venue could accommodate different numbers of people based on what style tables I used and how it was set up. Try looking into that.

If that doesn't work and their absolute max/fire code limit is 35 people, I would find another venue that can accommodate all the people you invited. It's not ideal and you'll be making a lot of phone calls and last minute arrangements. Luckily for you, it sounds like your max guest count will be about 41 people. If that's the case, you can probably find a private room at a restaurant that can do this without needing to do a lot of complicated coordinating.

If your mom had just said "hey, I invited these people" and you had been like "sorry, that's over cap and it's your problem to fix", then I'd agree with PPs that it's her problem to fix. However, it sounds like she asked and you said "ok sure, they're added to the list", which is why I don't think the problem belongs with your mom, and certainly not with your aunt/cousin. 

Actually we didn't just invite 35 people.  We invited 35 people over the absolute max.  So what you are saying is our only option is to find a new venue that will accommodate 166 people?  

Yes, that is exactly what she is saying.  Either find a venue that holds 172 people (if I am following your numbers correctly this is what you need) or work with your current venue to legally and comfortably hold 172 people.  In fact, get some clarification if the max also includes vendors in the room as well. 

You really have two issues going on here. To me the "already over capacity" issue is much greater than the "should I invite 6 more people issue".  At this point you have 25% at risk to be turned away at the door. 

steph861

I'm curious, why did the venue give you one number and then give you another, lower number when you met with them a few months later? Or was it an oversight on your part?

BMoreBride6

Knottie22177400 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Knottie22177400 said:

I think I need some clarification, OP. Did your mom just invite your aunt and cousin without telling you?

Or did she come to you first and ask that they be added to the guest list and then you told her they were added? 

If the former, I think it's her problem to fix. If the latter, you need to solve the issue without B-listing.

It's the latter. How would you suggest I fix it?

I think you need to send them an invitation - like today - and find a way to accommodate them. My venue could accommodate different numbers of people based on what style tables I used and how it was set up. Try looking into that.

If that doesn't work and their absolute max/fire code limit is 35 people, I would find another venue that can accommodate all the people you invited. It's not ideal and you'll be making a lot of phone calls and last minute arrangements. Luckily for you, it sounds like your max guest count will be about 41 people. If that's the case, you can probably find a private room at a restaurant that can do this without needing to do a lot of complicated coordinating.

If your mom had just said "hey, I invited these people" and you had been like "sorry, that's over cap and it's your problem to fix", then I'd agree with PPs that it's her problem to fix. However, it sounds like she asked and you said "ok sure, they're added to the list", which is why I don't think the problem belongs with your mom, and certainly not with your aunt/cousin. 

Actually we didn't just invite 35 people.  We invited 35 people over the absolute max.  So what you are saying is our only option is to find a new venue that will accommodate 166 people? 

Stuck in the Box
Unfortunately, I think this is your only option.  These people you are talking about (aunt/cousin?) are not the only people that are over your max.  You're well over that maximum so even without worrying about these people you still have a big problem.  Sorry if you answered but I don't think you have...is this a fire code issue or a seating arrangement maximum?  Has the venue told you what will happen if these extra 35 people end up coming? 

ifeelgoodifeelgreatifeelwonderful

I know it's not ideal but I also ended up inviting 10 people over capacity (FI had some additions and single people ended up in relationships and I gave them guests). Luckily we already have more then 10 declines and I expect more, although we have a bigger guest list then you (225). I would go either have your mom handle it and apologize for the misunderstanding or go with option B and hope for declines. I can't imagine it's feasible to find a new location for this large of a reception, I know my location was booked a year and a half out. 35 people above capacity is a lot though...I would also call your venue and ask what are the risks of going over capacity, I'm sure this is an issue that they have dealt with before.

PrettyGirlLost

steph11814 said:

I'm curious, why did the venue give you one number and then give you another, lower number when you met with them a few months later? Or was it an oversight on your part?

^This.

Also, I doubt cancelling her contract with this venue in order to find a new venue is really an option for the OP. 

Depending on when her wedding is, she will likely have to forfeit close to the entire contracted cost of her reception if she cancels. 

And even if she could just throw money away like that, she may not be able to find another venue as they may already be booked.  I say this all of the time, but in my area venues and vendors book weddings 1-2 years in advance.

OP, what kind of venue is this?  Are you having a buffet or sit down meal?  Is it possible to rent another ballroom/room adjacent to where your reception is going to be held to accommodate the additional people?  It's not ideal, but it's better than being over the fire code or trying to un-invite people or just praying that people decline.

Would it be possible to have the dancefloor/DJ and cake in the other room to make room for all your guests to be seated with you in the 1st room?  How about getting rid of the head table, if you were having one, to make more room?  If you are having a buffet, can you have it set up in the 2nd room?

Knottie22177400

Ok, look everyone, at this point it is too late to change our venue. There is too much money involved and no other options for our quickly approaching date. We have gotten declines so the number is less than 35 at this point and we are still waiting on plenty of other RSVPs.

The reasons for us being surprised are not entirely our fault and not entirely the venue's fault either. It is complicated. Please trust that it was unavoidable and we are doing the best we can under the circumstances.

I realize that all of you are trying to help with what you see as the biggest problem here, but what's done is done. What I really need help with is the issue with the additional relatives. Please and thank you.

BMoreBride6

you still haven't answered the question of what the venue will do if you are over the number.  I think that plays a big role here. 

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie22177400 said:

Ok, look everyone, at this point it is too late to change our venue. There is too much money involved and no other options for our quickly approaching date. We have gotten declines so the number is less than 35 at this point and we are still waiting on plenty of other RSVPs. The reasons for us being surprised are not entirely our fault and not entirely the venue's fault either. It is complicated. Please trust that it was unavoidable and we are doing the best we can under the circumstances.

Yep, I figured.  There have been similar posts here in the past, and I have never found the suggestion to switch venues to be realistic.

I still would like to know why you were given two different numbers for your room totals?

What is the fire code for your room?

OP, what kind of venue is this?  Are you having a buffet or sit down meal?  Is it possible to rent another ballroom/room adjacent to where your reception is going to be held to accommodate the additional people?  It's not ideal, but it's better than being over the fire code or trying to un-invite people or just praying that people decline.

Would it be possible to have the dancefloor/DJ and cake in the other room to make room for all your guests to be seated with you in the 1st room?  How about getting rid of the head table, if you were having one, to make more room?  If you are having a buffet, can you have it set up in the 2nd room?

southernbelle0915

BMoreBride6 said:

you still haven't answered the question of what the venue will do if you are over the number.  I think that plays a big role here. 

This. If you're not over fire code, then options would be:

- eliminating your dance floor

- using rectangular tables in long cafeteria style fashion instead of rounds

- putting auxiliary tables out in the hall (if an option)

- putting the bar out in the hall (if an option)

- eliminating any head table(s)

@PrettyGirlLost - I think this is OP's problem to solve and that it's not appropriate to tell her mom rescind the invitation to aunt/cousin. I guess I think about my own wedding. My dad came to me and asked that a couple of his business partners be invited. I said "ok, dad, you got it. they're added to the guest list". I think that's confirmation enough that they are invited. If room became an issue, I would have gone to him and said "hey dad - did you mention anything to your business partners about being invited to the wedding?" If he said yes, it's my problem because I told him they'd be invited. If he said no, I might say "please don't - I don't think we have room for them." 

theartistformerlyknownas

Knottie22177400 said:

Ok, look everyone, at this point it is too late to change our venue. There is too much money involved and no other options for our quickly approaching date. We have gotten declines so the number is less than 35 at this point and we are still waiting on plenty of other RSVPs. The reasons for us being surprised are not entirely our fault and not entirely the venue's fault either. It is complicated. Please trust that it was unavoidable and we are doing the best we can under the circumstances. I realize that all of you are trying to help with what you see as the biggest problem here, but what's done is done. What I really need help with is the issue with the additional relatives. Please and thank you.

First bolded - figured that was the case, but I'd still threaten it to try and get the point across of how seriously you need them to work with you on this.

Second bolded - this is still your biggest problem though, even though it was an honest mistake and you can't change your venue or your guest list. If you posted "my house is on fire so I can't find the TV Guide - what time is the Bachelor on?" we'd tell you to get out of the damn house before we helped with the question you actually asked. KWIM?

Whether you add 6 people or not, you are still over your limit. If this is a fire code issue, your venue may kick people out of your wedding. They legally cannot permit more people than that number inside the building because they could get in trouble or people could die. It's a big thing. So call your venue FIRST and see if there's any way possible to fit all the extra people. Don't wait until you see how many declines you get because you may have other issues at hand like renting extra tables/linens/centerpieces/tents depending on what the solution is. Do that TODAY. "I realize you said the limit is X, but there was a misunderstanding and I realized we invited Y people. Is there any way we can rectify this." If you want, make "Y" the number including the +6 people. If he says "hell no crazy pants," try the number without the 6. 

If he comes up with an easy way to accommodate those extra 6 people, awesome, invite them. If he can do the other over-invites but not the 6, have Mom say she's really sorry but she was wrong and there isn't actually room for them. If he says the limit is absolutely X... you'll have to wait and see what your declines end up being and then make some really tough choices.

I wish this was your answer.

PrettyGirlLost

southernbelle0915 said:

BMoreBride6 said:

you still haven't answered the question of what the venue will do if you are over the number.  I think that plays a big role here. 

This. If you're not over fire code, then options would be:

- eliminating your dance floor

- using rectangular tables in long cafeteria style fashion instead of rounds

- putting auxiliary tables out in the hall (if an option)

- putting the bar out in the hall (if an option)

- eliminating any head table(s)

@PrettyGirlLost - I think this is OP's problem to solve and that it's not appropriate to tell her mom rescind the invitation to aunt/cousin. I guess I think about my own wedding. My dad came to me and asked that a couple of his business partners be invited. I said "ok, dad, you got it. they're added to the guest list". I think that's confirmation enough that they are invited. If room became an issue, I would have gone to him and said "hey dad - did you mention anything to your business partners about being invited to the wedding?" If he said yes, it's my problem because I told him they'd be invited. If he said no, I might say "please don't - I don't think we have room for them." 

I never suggested that was an option, though.

My main point was just that suggesting to the OP that she find a new venue is totally unrealistic advice.  It's the correct advice from an etiquette standpoint, but it just doesn't work in reality; very few people are going to have the means and be willing to lose that much money and be able to find a venue at the last minute that isn't already booked.

southernbelle0915

PrettyGirlLost said:

southernbelle0915 said:

BMoreBride6 said:

you still haven't answered the question of what the venue will do if you are over the number.  I think that plays a big role here. 

This. If you're not over fire code, then options would be:

- eliminating your dance floor

- using rectangular tables in long cafeteria style fashion instead of rounds

- putting auxiliary tables out in the hall (if an option)

- putting the bar out in the hall (if an option)

- eliminating any head table(s)

@PrettyGirlLost - I think this is OP's problem to solve and that it's not appropriate to tell her mom rescind the invitation to aunt/cousin. I guess I think about my own wedding. My dad came to me and asked that a couple of his business partners be invited. I said "ok, dad, you got it. they're added to the guest list". I think that's confirmation enough that they are invited. If room became an issue, I would have gone to him and said "hey dad - did you mention anything to your business partners about being invited to the wedding?" If he said yes, it's my problem because I told him they'd be invited. If he said no, I might say "please don't - I don't think we have room for them." 

I never suggested that was an option, though.

My main point was just that suggesting to the OP that she find a new venue is totally unrealistic advice.  It's the correct advice from an etiquette standpoint, but it just doesn't work in reality; very few people are going to have the means and be willing to lose that much money and be able to find a venue at the last minute that isn't already booked.

I misinterpreted her actual head count. I thought she had a total of 35 (+6 addt'l) - not that she was 35+6 OVER, meaning about 170 people. With a small wedding, she could have easily moved to a new venue - a private room at a restaurant. I thought that was a pretty realistic suggestion (being that I also thought she was having a small wedding...der). With a big wedding, I agree - she is more stuck.

If it's a fire code thing and there are no adjacent rooms for rent in the building, there is no proper etiquette advice for this unless she changes venues, which at this point would be very difficult - I agree. If it's not a fire code thing, she'll have to sacrifice a lot, but you do what you have to do...