Groom's mom asked me...

krcb

...what she is responsible to pay for in the wedding. She sent me an email inquiring saying she is not "keen" on the responsibilities, which I am taking to mean she isn't very aware of them and not "keen" by meaning she doesn't like them.

So I'm kinda wondering what to respond back with. Should I tell her what is traditionally paid for, and if so, what do you consider to be traditional for the groom's family to pay for? I am more leaning towards telling her that I appreciate any contributions she would like to make, and we can discuss the matter in person if she likes. 

I just don't like the idea of telling her "you're typically expected to pay for ___ , ___, and ___, and it costs x amount," but should I?

For a little background info, we're a month from the wedding. She hasn't really shown any interest until recently, and we've just planned to pay for things without any contributions and have left it to them to approach us if they would like to contribute.

CMGragain

She is not responsible for paying for anything except her own clothing that she will wear.

She can offer to pay for whatever she wishes, but this is completely up to her.  TRADITIONALLY, the groom's parents host the rehearsal dinner, if there is one, but it isn't required for her to do this.

krcb

CMGragain said:

She is not responsible for paying for anything except her own clothing that she will wear.

She can offer to pay for whatever she wishes, but this is completely up to her.  TRADITIONALLY, the groom's parents host the rehearsal dinner, if there is one, but it isn't required for her to do this.

Thank you for responding. I am saying that I do not think she is responsible to pay for anything, but she is asking me what she should pay for, and I'm not sure how to approach her question with a proper answer.

gothic_fairy60

"Hey, I am not exactly sure what the traditional responsibilities are. If you really want to contribute though we are open to suggestions." This gets away from the whole "it cost this amount". Remember, she who pays get a a say. At a month out is much left to contribute to? Is everything planned and just need payments?

CMGragain

That is the proper answer.  "FMIL, it is SOooo nice of you to be concerned about your responsibilities, but you don't need to worry.  There is nothing for you to worry about.  Now what color dress are youn planning to wear?  I want to get you a lovely corsage!" ( I'm a MOB.)

Fairyjen1

No one except yourselves is responsible for paying for your wedding. If she's not keen on paying for anything you'll need to figure out how to do it without her help.

    My FMIL asked me the same question in the early phases of planning. FI and I are fully able and willing to pay for our wedding ourselves, we are doing a destination wedding and realize it's already asking a lot for people to join us at Disneyland. She really wanted to host the welcome dinner the night before so that is what she is paying for. Also both of our parents and siblings are paying for their own hotel and travel, even though we offered to cover everyone.

      Since then, FFIL passed away unexpectedly. We are fully prepared to take over the hosting of the welcome dinner ourselves , but she spoke to FI the other day and mentioned how much she is looking forward to attending our wedding and hosting the dinner (she loves Disneyland as much as we do).

   Edited to add the paragraphs that went missing.

krcb

Thank you. I just want to make sure it's clear from what I'm saying that I am not expecting or needing anything, but she is indicating that she does want to contribute. I am grateful for it and would like to accept what she is willing to give. 

I think I am going to go with telling her that I really appreciate her concerns of her responsibilities, but we have never considered her responsible to pay for anything. We would greatly appreciate any contribution she would like to make, and I would be more than happy to meet with her soon to discuss the wedding if she would like (even just details because I've reached out to her before to see if she would like to meet up for some girl's time; we're not very close as of yet). But also that we are just happy she can come and celebrate with us.

@Fairyjen1 Your wedding sounds like fun! I've never been to Disneyland before but love Disney World. Disneyland's just on the other side of the country, so I haven't made the trek there yet.

krcb

@gothic_fairy60

Everything's planned out, but we still have payments to make on a few things. Also, we are having a limited open bar (wine, beer, a few cocktails), and it's per consumption so we won't have paid for that until after the wedding.

gothic_fairy60

There are a lot of brides who warn that if you take money from a parent you must understand that the parents may want to make changes. Their money, their choices.

Your FMIL may be like mine, and just doesn't deal with things that are "too far away". Now that it is close she can get more excited.

Another possibility (the pessimist in me), maybe she can't afford to or didn't want to help and specifically waited hoping that there would be nothing left.

Either way, if she really wants to help that's great. Let her know that you appreciate the offer even if you don't take her up on it.

lc07

Unless she doesn't know what the word keen means, she does not want to contribute but feels an obligation to. 

I would tell her that you have the expenses covered but if there's something she is interested in being involved in that you'd be happy to talk to her about it. 

krcb

I think she's the type that figured everything was so far away, and now that it's close, she's starting to realize it's happening. So you're right, I think she's getting excited now. 

The warning of her wanting to change something is a good warning. I'll just see what she has in mind. I think she feels left out now that it's all almost said and done. I feel bad, but I have tried to reach out to her before and see if she was interested in discussing wedding details with me (nothing about money - just showing her my ideas of flowers, pictures of the venue, etc). She didn't seem interested, which is fine, but she is now. I don't think she realized we would already have everything in place by now!

krcb

lc07 said:

Unless she doesn't know what the word keen means, she does not want to contribute but feels an obligation to. 

I would tell her that you have the expenses covered but if there's something she is interested in being involved in that you'd be happy to talk to her about it. 

Yeah, haha, I looked up the definition for keen when I saw her message to make sure I knew what it meant! It seems like a mis-usage in the context of her email, but I can't know for sure.

lilacck28

Traditionally the groom's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, alcohol, and flowers. But that is a tradition that is certainly going by the wayside. 

NYCMercedes

To answer her, I'd thank her for her offer and then ask her what she would like to pay for. Put it back on her to make a more specific offer, whether it be cash or for something in particulate.

Liatris2010

"You are not responsible for paying for anything. If you had something in mind you'd like to pay for, let us know, but we were not expecting you to pay for anything."

princessleia22

Yeah, the "traditional" responsibilities of bride/groom family paying, isn't the standard anymore.  These days, the standard is that bride and groom are responsible for paying and parents can contribute as they want or bride/groom allow (assuming they are willing to accept opinions in exchange for money).  I think you are going the right route by saying that contributions aren't necessary, but are certainly welcome if she would like to contribute to the general fund or something in particular. 

 

novella1186

For those of you picking apart FMIL's use of the word keen, look it up in the dictionary. She's using a more common denotation of the word meaning she's not strongly aware of the custom, not that she doesn't like it. In fact, keen meaning to desire or like something is the least common denotation. Just FYI. 3. characterized by strength and distinctness of perception; extremely sensitive or responsive: keen eyes; keen ears. 4. having or showing great mental penetration or acumen: keen reasoning; a keen mind. Knowledge is power, people.

theartistformerlyknownas

Our parents all asked us the same question. We said "you're under no obligation to pay for anything, "traditional" or not. If you'd like to contribute to something you are free to do so to whatever extent you would like and are comfortable." They all said they would just put what they planned on contributing into a larger wedding gift.

lc07

novella1186 said:

For those of you picking apart FMIL's use of the word keen, look it up in the dictionary. She's using a more common denotation of the word meaning she's not strongly aware of the custom, not that she doesn't like it. In fact, keen meaning to desire or like something is the least common denotation. Just FYI. 3. characterized by strength and distinctness of perception; extremely sensitive or responsive: keen eyes; keen ears. 4. having or showing great mental penetration or acumen: keen reasoning; a keen mind. Knowledge is power, people.

ETA: At best it was a poor choice of words since it also means all of the things in this attachment. And this is a very common use of the word.

michellef2014

nicoann said:

Yeah, the "traditional" responsibilities of bride/groom family paying, isn't the standard anymore.  These days, the standard is that bride and groom are responsible for paying and parents can contribute as they want or bride/groom allow (assuming they are willing to accept opinions in exchange for money).  I think you are going the right route by saying that contributions aren't necessary, but are certainly welcome if she would like to contribute to the general fund or something in particular. 

 

[Deleted User]

lolo883 said:

Our parents all asked us the same question. We said "you're under no obligation to pay for anything, "traditional" or not. If you'd like to contribute to something you are free to do so to whatever extent you would like and are comfortable." They all said they would just put what they planned on contributing into a larger wedding gift.

We basically did the same thing. My then parents surprised me and paid for my dress after I picked it out and went to go pay for it. My in laws insisted on taking care of the rehersal dinner. But the extra they had expected us to ask for, ended up in our wedding gift which was a wonderful surprise.

krcb

Thank you all for your advice. FMIL approached my mother at the shower this weekend about contributing, so I was able to avoid an awkward conversation with her. I'm not sure what was said since my mom has been with my dad at the hospital since then, but I imagine it's squared away now!