Is it too late to elope? (drama sigh!)

des9724

Hey ladies! I'm not really thinking about eloping, but recent events and the drama associated with those events have really got me "counting down" until we can go back to normal. At this point, I've just been so irritated and on the verge of tears, that I wanted to see if it's JUST my wedding or if it is there for everyone.

One of my BM, also my SIL, had her baby early. I planned to throw a surprise baby shower, and asked my mom to keep her phone on her so I can send cake ideas to her. I get a lengthy message from SIL saying how awful I am for not including her in choosing the cake. Long story short, I'm mean and spiteful and horrible for throwing a baby shower. Mom and I kind of worked through it a little and are still throwing it, but there's intense tension because she hasn't apologized, and I doubt she will.

Second BM, another SIL, is in two weddings in October. Because I knew about this, I asked my MOH to make sure all bachelorette activities were optional so she could pick and choose, and not break the bank. My mom is helping to sponsor my shower and paid for the rental for the venue. My fiance's mother, who doesn't have girls, offered to pay for the food. (FI and I have been together 9 years, so I might as well be her daughter). The only financial responsibility for the shower is $20 for decor, which everyone agreed to do. They picked their own dresses (dresses ranged from $99-$200), I'm paying for their makeup on the day-of, and buying them their jewelry. Well, this BM emailed all the other girls saying she refuses to help pay for the shower (which, whatever... fine), but then went on to say that the wedding is too expensive, and someone needs to put a stop to it. She also said my MIL was so embarrassed by all the money that was being spent on my shower alone, that she felt compelled to pay for the shower's food. When my FI confronted the BM about it, she said she lied and my MIL said nothing. What.... the... hell. I had a drama-free engagement until last week. Is this normal for drama this close to the wedding, or is mine just that special? lol

bekt14

I chose not to have bridesmaids because I didn't want drama, but I've definitely had lots of drama with my mom and MIL. Whether they admit it or not, everyone has expectations for your wedding, and if things don't go according to their plan... it's not pretty. That's not fair though, because it's not their wedding. I've had to learn to just tune it out and ignore the drama. I've definitely considered cancelling everything and getting eloped too. Being engaged definitely isn't what I thought it would be. We're almost there though, so just keep strong and try to be patient!

kebebb

Good grief! Drama galore. We haven't had much, thankfully, outside of my fiance arguing with his sister (who lives with his parents out of state, but is not invited to the wedding due about 87 million reasons, but wants fiance to drive her here when he brings his parents and wants us to pay for her to stay somewhere...it's a mess) and my mom adding people to the guest list without telling me.

ashwise

I've had the same thoughts too.  I keep thinking that it would've been better to elope, but whatever.  We're almost there. I THANKFULLY *knock on wood* have had very little drama, save for my parents adding to the guest list and not telling me...but whatever--it's almost over, hang in there!! 

TeddiD34

I feel your pain. It seems like the closer the wedding gets, the crazier it makes others around you.

I recently had a family member go all psycho on one of my siblings (this family member has a horrible past of very crazy behavior), and must now let her know she isn't welcome at my wedding!

 

Why the hell can't people just behave themselves??!!

TeddiD34

kebebb said:

Good grief! Drama galore. We haven't had much, thankfully, outside of my fiance arguing with his sister (who lives with his parents out of state, but is not invited to the wedding due about 87 million reasons, but wants fiance to drive her here when he brings his parents and wants us to pay for her to stay somewhere...it's a mess) and my mom adding people to the guest list without telling me.

Why must parents do this? So rude!! I feel that pain as well!

des9724

Thank goodness it's not just me! I was beginning to think I attract the crazies haha  I start back to teaching in just a few short weeks and have all of this DIY stuff to finish before then.  I was just hoping the girls would CALM THE HELL DOWN to make it easier.  65 days! Almost there! :-p  Thanks ladies for your sympathetic ears!

Jean0715

I haven't had friend drama, but I have had family drama. Basically, the day I told my family I was engaged then announced that they were getting divorced. (You can't make this stuff up) Dad has threatened to not show up because I refuse to advise my mother to just let him have everything if the divorce. My father also refuses to talk about or acknowledge that I am getting married...If he does, it is usually to question wheather or not I want to, since it ended so badly for him. My mom keeps saying she "feels so bad for me because of all of this" but that just allows her to put the focus on her drama. Pretty much we don't talk about the wedding with them and we try and avoid seeing them when possible. On a good note, my future inlaws have been more than amazing and supportive of us!

smalfrie19

I have had sister/bm drama...a few weeks ago my sister tried to confront me about 1) the way I treat my FI...which is not her business. He and I discuss both of our shortcomings in our relationship together like adults and 2) how I have residual trauma from her father (my step dad) abusing me at the age of 5 ...and I told her I dont, and that any trust issues I have are from my emotionally abusive ex...She tells me I am wrong and I dont know what I am talking about (I have been seeing a therapist for about a  year) and that until I face my issues that I SHOULDNT BE GETTING MARRIED. Well who fucking asked you. My issues are just that..MINE and my future husband and I have already discussed mine and his shortcomings...I told her that if she didn't support my marriage there was no real reason for her to stand with me... and I havent spoken to her since.. I think she owes me an apology. She will not talk to me.. .but she will talk to my FI...I am just so hurt...I dont know what to do...

...sorry for the thread jack..I just needed to get that out in full to someone...my entire family i feel is on her side and they keep telling me that I should apologize first because I am the oldest and I wont. 

des9724

smalfrie19 said:

I have had sister/bm drama...a few weeks ago my sister tried to confront me about 1) the way I treat my FI...which is not her business. He and I discuss both of our shortcomings in our relationship together like adults and 2) how I have residual trauma from her father (my step dad) abusing me at the age of 5 ...and I told her I dont, and that any trust issues I have are from my emotionally abusive ex...She tells me I am wrong and I dont know what I am talking about (I have been seeing a therapist for about a  year) and that until I face my issues that I SHOULDNT BE GETTING MARRIED. Well who fucking asked you. My issues are just that..MINE and my future husband and I have already discussed mine and his shortcomings...I told her that if she didn't support my marriage there was no real reason for her to stand with me... and I havent spoken to her since.. I think she owes me an apology. She will not talk to me.. .but she will talk to my FI...I am just so hurt...I dont know what to do...

...sorry for the thread jack..I just needed to get that out in full to someone...my entire family i feel is on her side and they keep telling me that I should apologize first because I am the oldest and I wont. 

To the bolded, YOU GO GIRL! I hate that people outside of the relationship feel they can "fix your broken relationship."  (note the quotations). Your relationship is none of her business. I would probably have done the same thing.  I would have told her "Listen, you might not agree with how the relationship works, but you aren't in it.  If I come to you for advice, fine, but please don't judge or tell me how to be in this relationship. Please keep out."  And those issues with your step-father have nothing to do with your relationship with your FI. 

Do you think your FI could translate how hurt you are and suggest she apologize?

des9724

Jean0715 said:

I haven't had friend drama, but I have had family drama. Basically, the day I told my family I was engaged then announced that they were getting divorced. (You can't make this stuff up) Dad has threatened to not show up because I refuse to advise my mother to just let him have everything if the divorce. My father also refuses to talk about or acknowledge that I am getting married...If he does, it is usually to question wheather or not I want to, since it ended so badly for him. My mom keeps saying she "feels so bad for me because of all of this" but that just allows her to put the focus on her drama. Pretty much we don't talk about the wedding with them and we try and avoid seeing them when possible. On a good note, my future inlaws have been more than amazing and supportive of us!

..... Wow.  Thank goodness you have supportive in-laws.  How do you think they will do at the wedding by being around each other? Are you having a "Come to Jesus" talk with them beforehand?

smalfrie19

des9724 said:

smalfrie19 said:

I have had sister/bm drama...a few weeks ago my sister tried to confront me about 1) the way I treat my FI...which is not her business. He and I discuss both of our shortcomings in our relationship together like adults and 2) how I have residual trauma from her father (my step dad) abusing me at the age of 5 ...and I told her I dont, and that any trust issues I have are from my emotionally abusive ex...She tells me I am wrong and I dont know what I am talking about (I have been seeing a therapist for about a  year) and that until I face my issues that I SHOULDNT BE GETTING MARRIED. Well who fucking asked you. My issues are just that..MINE and my future husband and I have already discussed mine and his shortcomings...I told her that if she didn't support my marriage there was no real reason for her to stand with me... and I havent spoken to her since.. I think she owes me an apology. She will not talk to me.. .but she will talk to my FI...I am just so hurt...I dont know what to do...

...sorry for the thread jack..I just needed to get that out in full to someone...my entire family i feel is on her side and they keep telling me that I should apologize first because I am the oldest and I wont. 

To the bolded, YOU GO GIRL! I hate that people outside of the relationship feel they can "fix your broken relationship."  (note the quotations). Your relationship is none of her business. I would probably have done the same thing.  I would have told her "Listen, you might not agree with how the relationship works, but you aren't in it.  If I come to you for advice, fine, but please don't judge or tell me how to be in this relationship. Please keep out."  And those issues with your step-father have nothing to do with your relationship with your FI. 

Do you think your FI could translate how hurt you are and suggest she apologize?

he has suggested to her on multiple occasions that we should make up, but I am not willing to reach out first and she said she wont apologize and she has told him she doesnt understand why we cant just go on being, since previously we just move on from yelling at one another...but to me this is different...I mean she basically told me that she doesnt support my marriage...and that hurt...and I realize I said some REALLY nasty things to her when she got PG at 15 y/o with my nephew..but I DID apologize for saying them.... and she's just so stubborn and I just dont know how to deal. 

Lauramae980

I hear the frustration. Besides the usual budget woes (going over, way over), I never wanted a big wedding, but my sister did elope and my family wants a wedding. Plus,this is my FI's second wedding, but his first was done at a courthouse (he and his ex were basically kids at the time)and he really wants a reception and ceremony.  The cost is astronomical and as my aunt said "it's like driving a Lexus off a cliff". 

Yup.

Oh, and I had a BM de-friend me and about ten friends at the same time . She's an odd one, but basically insisted on being a BM since we started a company together. She promised to help and to throw us an engagement party. Asked for addresses and the whole shebang. I could start to see a few month in that she seemed unhappy, but she refused to talk about it. Then, right after booking a venue (we are a production company), she quit the company, show and friendship. She stopped speaking to my other BM, and a few friends in our group.

Luckily, my former rooommate was eager for the job and after several mimosa brunches I asked her and she said yes. Wish I had asked her first. 

But seriously, everything is so much money, so much work and such a pain in the ass. I just want to be married already!

rsbloom

i'm on this boat too!  FMIL and I got along great until the wedding and the closer it gets the crazier everything is!!  

It took us from March of last year, when we got engaged, till 2 weeks ago to work out flowers that she offered to pay for, and then backed out, and then gave florists "whatever" for a budget and then "let's go with $15 cement arrangements from Wal-Mart or Lowes" to finally settling on a florist and us paying the difference.  God forbid we tell her she doesn't have to pay, or that my parents or we will pay, because then we're calling her CHEAP.  Which she IS.  

She also had the nerve to ask "what exactly are your parents paying for?  Because I was looking up numbers online, and it looks like X and we're paying for the flowers, a shower, AND the RD"  To which we responded "those numbers you found are wrong, it's none of your business hat others are contributing, no one told you had to pay for those things and invite a bunch of people, YOU OFFERED, and you can decline now if you want to."  

She gets super upset about $ being spent(so we don't talk about it, but she guesses), thinks we're trying to have a "TLC" wedding(not even close, we're sticking to our budget), and then is surprised when she finds out something and thinks it's nice. 

Then, just last week she told us we shouldn't talk about our wedding so much at their house (we don't, unless she asks a question about something, and even then we usually don't draw it out) because FI's older bother (who still lives at home, doesn't try getting a job, doesn't want to go to school, and can't get a girlfriend for more than a couple weeks because of these things) is getting really depressed the closer it gets to the wedding.  So could we please not be so happy and put together because he doesn't have his life together.

I can't wait for this to be over!

hkda2003

I haven't had very much drama exactly, but some things are causing me a lot of stress. I have had some stressful issues with invitations, and my dress. My one BM's dress doesn't fit, and she is blaming everything except for the fact that she gained weight. She said the seamstress can't let it out, and she is rush ordering a new one online. It's out of my hands at this point, so I just need to step back and not think about it. One very unfortunate thing has also happened, which hasn't caused any problems, but potentially could.... My MOH had an elective brain surgery in May. It was supposed to be relatively simple with a couple of days recovery time. However, as you all know any surgery has it's risks, and unfortunately, everything that could have gone wrong, did. She ended up having 2 additional, very complicated surgeries to correct the problems... It's obvious at this point that she would have been a million times better off not having the surgery at all. She still isn't herself, far from it. It's very sad to think she might not be back to her normal self by October, and I am praying she doesn't have another setback. Fortunately I happen to have another MOH and bridesmaids who have been extremely helpful. I just want my best friend back to normal.

Kerigirl9

I was drama-free until we started sending out invitations. 

FMIL went rogue on me and invited FSIL's MIL (enough acronyms for you?) to my shower. No formal invitation... just a "well since you'll be in town for a birthday party maybe you'd like to come to the shower?" FSIL then informed me that I have to invite her MIL to the wedding. I said.... ummm, no? If I had included her on the guest list that was provided for invitations then yes. Not in this situation. Even made sure by checking in with the girls on the etiquette board. So now FSIL is upset. Honestly.

Then my cousins who are traveling across the country to be at the wedding (and I'm so happy about it) sent me an email letting me know that their daughters (22 and 23 years old) will be joining them on the trip. Sorry... no invites for them either. Have only met them three times in their lives and the last time was over 10 years ago when they were children.

My sister was upset because her boyfriend's daughter who lives with them is not invited. She's 22 and I've met her about 4 times.

The fact is that if I was to add to my guest list there are at least 20-30 people that would get invites before any of the people above. Had to draw the line somewhere.