MOH and Bridesmaid Drama

Knottie0380699

Please bear with me as this is my first post but I need advice from impartial parties. I am getting married on 12/6. I asked 5 girls to be bridesmaids (2 cousins, grad school best friend, FSIL, and high school best friend) and another cousin to be my Matron of Honor. I am an only child and so my cousins have always been the closest thing I've had to sisters. I've been engaged for about 2 months now. Two weeks after we announced our engagement and bridal party my HSBF started group messaging all of the bridesmaids about the bachelorette party. She then proceeded to text me about how this was the MOH's job. I'm from a small town and my family doesn't do large wedding parties in general. I didn't even know MOH's had special duties other than the day of the wedding. I talked with my MOH who assured me she would handle the bachelorette. I wasn't worried about it until this week when a bridesmaid informed me that she was in another wedding in January. I also have another bridesmaid who is in weddings in October, November, and then my December wedding. I sent a message to all the girls asking what days they were free in November so we could at least pick a date for the party since there might be complications with so many weddings at once. My HSBF proceeds to tell me to butt out that I don't plan my own bachelorette. She wants everything to be a surprise for me. However, I hate surprises and I am a control freak. Every time I mention things I would like to do for the bachelorette, she goes to the other BM's and gets them to talk to me about going out and partying. I was in her wedding last year and her bachelorette was a bit much for my taste (cost 400 and included strippers and cheap bars). I feel like she is trying to re live her own wedding and bachelorette through me. This past weekend a group of family/friends including the HSBF threw us an engagement party. My MOH and another bridesmaid did not attend due to previous obligations. The MOH told me about the obligation a month ago but I forgot and so I was slightly upset. Once she reminded me, everything was fine and I told the bridal party so.  All of that said: the HSBF proceeds to call/text me days later and viciously state how awful my MOH is, that I should demote her, that she is not doing anything for me, and does not care at all about me. I have known since the beginning she was jealous that I made my cousin a MOH instead of her. Now she is making me feel horrible about my choices and causing me stress. My MOH told me in the same day that she was going to plan of the bachelorette but she has 3 kids and a high stress job and I feel horrible that she is taking on so much when I have free time to make the plans (plus I want to be involved, it is MY party after all). What do I do? Do I ask this BM to step down? I've tried to get her to stop talking badly about the MOH but nothing works. It's starting to cause friction with the other bridesmaids as well who are getting tired of how the HSBF is treating me (yelling at me, trying to be center stage at parties, etc.). I never imagined that a bridesmaid would cause such drama for me.

jacques27

Knottie0380699 said:

Please bear with me as this is my first post but I need advice from impartial parties. I am getting married on 12/6. I asked 5 girls to be bridesmaids (2 cousins, grad school best friend, FSIL, and high school best friend) and another cousin to be my Matron of Honor. I am an only child and so my cousins have always been the closest thing I've had to sisters. I've been engaged for about 2 months now. Two weeks after we announced our engagement and bridal party my HSBF started group messaging all of the bridesmaids about the bachelorette party. She then proceeded to text me about how this was the MOH's job. I'm from a small town and my family doesn't do large wedding parties in general. I didn't even know MOH's had special duties other than the day of the wedding. They don't.  Their only duty is to show up in appropriate attire and walk down an aisle to stand up next to you on the wedding day.

I talked with my MOH who assured me she would handle the situation. I wasn't worried about it until this week when a bridesmaid informed me that she was in another wedding in January. I also have another bridesmaid who is in weddings in october, novemeber, and then my decemeber wedding. I sent a message to all the girls asking what days they were free in Novemeber so we could at least pick a date for the party since there might be complications with so many weddings at once. Nope.  Not your party to plan.  Possibly ok for you to mention that November might be a busy time, but not ok for you to coordinate.  They are adults.  They can figure out in the course of planning what dates do and don't work.

My HSBF proceeds to tell me to butt out that I don't plan my own bachelorette.  Good for her.  She is 100% correct.  It's not your party to plan.

She wants everything to be a surprise for me. However, I hate surprises and I am a control freak. Every time I mention things I would like to do for the bachelorette, she goes to the other BM's and gets them to talk to me about going out and partying.  You already have a party to plan.  It's called your wedding reception.  Bachelorette party is not your jurisdiction.  It is, however, a bit rude that she's having people try to talk you into it.  Perhaps your other bridesmaids should grow a backbone and respond to her "You know, I'm not really comfortable trying to talk her into that.  I don't think she's really into doing the bar/strip club scene.  Let's get together and see if we can work out a happy medium."  But, it's not your place to say that, nor your place to tell the other bridesmaids to say it on your behalf.

I was in her wedding last year and her bachelorette was a bit much for my taste (cost 400 and included strippers and cheap bars). I feel like she is trying to re live her own wedding and bachelorette through me.  That sounds really paranoid.  She's trying to do a nice thing for you and so far, you haven't made any mention of her taking over your wedding plans (remember, bachelorette party not  your jurisdiction).  Maybe you just left that part out, but my guess is she just kind of likens herself to being a bachelorette party/wedding expert having been through it once herself and is being overzealous.  Or control freaks of a feather flock together and that's what your friendship has in common. 

This past weekend a group of family/friends including the HSBF threw us an engagement party. My MOH and another bridesmaid did not attend due to previous obligations. The MOH told me about the obligation a month ago but I forgot and so I was upset at the engagement party. Once she reminded me, everything was fine and I told the bridal party so.  All of that said: the HSBF proceeds to call/text me and viciously state how awful my MOH is, that I should demote her, that she is not doing anything for me, and does not care at all about me.  Yeah, you brought that one on yourself.  See also:  MOH duties.  There are none except for buying the attire and walking down the aisle.  Sure, it's disappointing (privately) when someone can't make a social engagement, but she was under no obligation to attend this, even if she didn't have any other plans that day.  But you made a public display of it and here is the fallout from your unreasonable expectations.

 I have known since the beginning she was jealous that I made my cousin a MOH instead of her. Now she is making me feel horrible about my choices. My MOH told me in the same day that she was going to take care of the bachelorette but she has 3 kids and a high stress job and I feel horrible asking her to take on so much when I have free time to make the plans (plus I want to be involved, it is MY party after all).  Nope.  Your party to plan is the wedding reception.  The bachelorette party is a gift to you from them.  It's their party to plan.  It's rude to dictate how people do/give things to you.

What do I do? Do I ask this BM to step down? No.  No, no, no.  No.  Just no.  Unless of course you want to end the friendship for good.  Then this is definitely the fastest means to that end.  But really, no.  NO.

You do nothing except plan your wedding ceremony and reception and stop trying to control the behavior of other adults.  The only thing you can control is your own behavior and your reactions to their behavior.  Everything else...not your jurisdiction.  Here are things you can do:

1. Politely suggest once, and one time only, that you really are not keen on partying or strip clubs.  You do not get to tell them what you want to do or make the plans yourself.
2. Make the choice to either trust that your bridesmaid(s) and/or MOH can figure out how to select activities for your bachelorette party that you'll enjoy and that it will be all right (allegedly, these are the people closest to you in the world whom you trust and should have a pretty good idea of your likes and dislikes, right?) or you can just politely decline the offer of the bachelorette party altogether if really are THAT uncomfortable and just not have one. 
   
3. Apologize to your MOH for getting upset and how that may have facilitated some of the problems (if she got wind of that fiasco from the other bridesmaids) and now you know the error of your ways.
4. Politely tell your high school best friend the next time she starts complaining about MOH that while you can understand she's upset, you love and support both of them and would appreciate it if she did not badmouth MOH.  And then do not engage and move on to something else.  They are friends with you.  They are not required to be friends with each other and you shouldn't be trying to mediate that.  They are adults.  Be their friends individually, not their mommy, and let them work out their group dynamics themselves. 
   

I've tried to get her to stop talking badly about the MOH but nothing works. It's starting to cause friction with the other bridesmaids as well who are getting tired of how the HSBF is treating me. I never imagined that a bridesmaid would cause such drama for me.

See comments in the box.

abbyj700

Ugh...PP's have addressed a lot of your concerns and I will agree that you should not be planning your own party, your bridesmaids should try to coordinate, get along and plan with each other if they want to have parties for you. PLLEEASSEEE don't ask anyone to step down.

And finally - if someone is planning to throw you a party you are uncomfortable with - tell them you'd like to respectively turn it down. My ladies came to my house, had a meeting with me and said "we want your input, this is to celebrate you" and then ran with it - but planned the party, keeping me out of the details. They know I don't want strippers, huge surprises or anything too expensive. They know what area of town I'd like to bar hop in, that I'd like to go to a baseball game, and my favorite places to eat dinner in that area. They have planned everything - not me. BUT if they were planning a stripper filled, trashy party or an expensive night with stretch limos and long weekend requirements- I'd respectively decline and step away from the situation.