7 Truths About Marriage

emmaaa

This article is called "7 Truths About Marriage You Will Not Hear In Church" and I came across it this morning. I think everyone should read this even if you don't go church. It all makes sense and you can take out the "church-y" aspect of it. 

 http://frankmatthewpowell.com/truths-sex-marriage-never-learned-church/

 

My favorite: The development of the Speshul Snoflayk 

#7  The wedding day is a lie…don’t buy it. 

I love weddings. I love officiating them. It is a rare moment where I get to make a divine proclamation that forever changes the status of two people. Powerful.

But in an increasingly individualistic, “me” culture, weddings create a potentially dangerous situation. “Every girl lives for her wedding day.” It is all about the bride and groom. Everyone looks at them. Encourages them. Congratulates them.

ETF link

WinstonsGirl

Link says page not found

daria24

I absolutely agree with "There is more than one person out there for you," "A spouse does not complete you," "Marriage is not for everybody" and "The wedding day is a lie."

The other ones I have major issues with. 

1. Sex is  gift from God-well obviously I'm an atheist, so I don't buy the premise of this. But my biggest issue is that I was raised very strict Catholic. My school & Church did so much damage to my sexuality I can't even begin to explain it. The shaming of girls was downright abusive. It took me years as a adult to even start to unravel all the damage they did. It wasn't "satan." It was a bunch of celibate men telling me that my body was a dirty vessel and my thoughts were sending me straight to hell. And then magically one day I would get married and could have all the baby-making missionary sex I wanted. SO yeah-this one is total bullshit. 

3. The first year of marriage is hard-It really wasn't for us. It was probably the easiest year of our 7 year relationship. We've on year 3 and we still have had barely any blips. Our worst years are definitely ahead of us-we will be facing, at some point, the illnesses and deaths of our parents. We will face our own illnesses. Those things are going to be a much bigger test on our marriage than our first year, when we were financially secure and didn't have any outside events that we had to deal with. I think this is different for everyone. Some people do have a really challenging first year, but most of the people I have talked to said other years were much harder.

5. Marry someone with similar goals, passions, dreams. Goals yes, but honestly my husband and I have completely different passions and I think it is one of the main reasons our marriage works so well. We have our own things to do. We spend time away from each other. I support his passions 100%, and he supports mine. But we are really happy that we don't have to take an interest in everything the other person does. My parents have been married 40 years and have very different hobbies and my mother would tell you it's a saving grace. 

emmaaa

daria24 said:

I absolutely agree with "There is more than one person out there for you," "A spouse does not complete you," "Marriage is not for everybody" and "The wedding day is a lie."

The other ones I have major issues with. 

1. Sex is  gift from God-well obviously I'm an atheist, so I don't buy the premise of this. But my biggest issue is that I was raised very strict Catholic. My school & Church did so much damage to my sexuality I can't even begin to explain it. The shaming of girls was downright abusive. It took me years as a adult to even start to unravel all the damage they did. It wasn't "satan." It was a bunch of celibate men telling me that my body was a dirty vessel and my thoughts were sending me straight to hell. And then magically one day I would get married and could have all the baby-making missionary sex I wanted. SO yeah-this one is total bullshit. 

3. The first year of marriage is hard-It really wasn't for us. It was probably the easiest year of our 7 year relationship. We've on year 3 and we still have had barely any blips. Our worst years are definitely ahead of us-we will be facing, at some point, the illnesses and deaths of our parents. We will face our own illnesses. Those things are going to be a much bigger test on our marriage than our first year, when we were financially secure and didn't have any outside events that we had to deal with. I think this is different for everyone. Some people do have a really challenging first year, but most of the people I have talked to said other years were much harder.

5. Marry someone with similar goals, passions, dreams. Goals yes, but honestly my husband and I have completely different passions and I think it is one of the main reasons our marriage works so well. We have our own things to do. We spend time away from each other. I support his passions 100%, and he supports mine. But we are really happy that we don't have to take an interest in everything the other person does. My parents have been married 40 years and have very different hobbies and my mother would tell you it's a saving grace. 

1. I was raised Protestant so I can't really comment on how the Catholic church teaches sex or about women. I was raised to believe that you should wait until marriage to have sex. I didn't. But I know that God (as a Christian I believe this) created sex. He created this beautiful thing for us to share with the person we love so we shouldn't be ashamed of it. Maybe from a standpoint of someone who doesn't believe in God, you can still look at it as something beautiful that is meant to be shared with someone you love. 

3. I've heard from some people that the first year was hard and others that it was the easiest because they were still in the honeymoon phase. I liked how the author talked about even when a marriage becomes hard, it is important to know that others have been there and gotten through it because every relationships suffer hardships.

5. I agree that not everyone should have the exact same goals, dreams, hobbies, etc. but it is important to share something similar to relate to or o work towards. The author even says that there won't be anyone who is the same and agrees with you on everything.

emmaaa

@WinstonsGirl I think I fixed it?

smalfrie19

Some of this really spoke to me. thanks  

VulgarGirl

As an agnostic with some vague belief system that seems like a weird cross between Christian and Pagan...I liked this. And in fact, I'm reading other stuff on his blog now! I kind of like where he's coming from.

The only thing I took issue with was the "sex is to be shared between a woman and a man who are married" just that one line. Because well...two lady folk over here, still not married, still sexing it up. But I do agree, sex should be explored. I have friends who are religious who are married who have so many hang ups about sex, that anything other then lights off missionary they won't do. One of my friends told she has never had an orgasm despite being happily married for 8 years. She didn't think it was "important" and that doing things just to orgasm wasn't what God wanted. Girl. God wants you to cum. Why do you think you have a g-spot? 

If you are religious and married, as far as I understand, you now have the go-ahead for wild kinky sexy time. Buy a cock ring, give each other oral, hell try butt stuff! You're married! Enjoy it!

WinstonsGirl

Yup, it works, thanks!!

daria24

MagicInk said:

As an agnostic with some vague belief system that seems like a weird cross between Christian and Pagan...I liked this. And in fact, I'm reading other stuff on his blog now! I kind of like where he's coming from.

The only thing I took issue with was the "sex is to be shared between a woman and a man who are married" just that one line. Because well...two lady folk over here, still not married, still sexing it up. But I do agree, sex should be explored. I have friends who are religious who are married who have so many hang ups about sex, that anything other then lights off missionary they won't do. One of my friends told she has never had an orgasm despite being happily married for 8 years. She didn't think it was "important" and that doing things just to orgasm wasn't what God wanted. Girl. God wants you to cum. Why do you think you have a g-spot? 

If you are religious and married, as far as I understand, you now have the go-ahead for wild kinky sexy time. Buy a cock ring, give each other oral, hell try butt stuff! You're married! Enjoy it!

Yeah that's not what any of my Catholic teachers/church taught. Even in the context of marriage, sex wasn't kosher unless the endgame was penis in vagina, man depositing sperm into vagina sex. Oral sex was only OK if P-in-v sex followed. There was absolutely zero mention of female pleasure. No information about the fact that hey, maybe a dude should try to pleasure his wife. What does she like? Nope-sperm in vagina-that is all that mattered. Butt stuff was completely off limits. 

VulgarGirl

daria24 said:

MagicInk said:

As an agnostic with some vague belief system that seems like a weird cross between Christian and Pagan...I liked this. And in fact, I'm reading other stuff on his blog now! I kind of like where he's coming from.

The only thing I took issue with was the "sex is to be shared between a woman and a man who are married" just that one line. Because well...two lady folk over here, still not married, still sexing it up. But I do agree, sex should be explored. I have friends who are religious who are married who have so many hang ups about sex, that anything other then lights off missionary they won't do. One of my friends told she has never had an orgasm despite being happily married for 8 years. She didn't think it was "important" and that doing things just to orgasm wasn't what God wanted. Girl. God wants you to cum. Why do you think you have a g-spot? 

If you are religious and married, as far as I understand, you now have the go-ahead for wild kinky sexy time. Buy a cock ring, give each other oral, hell try butt stuff! You're married! Enjoy it!

Yeah that's not what any of my Catholic teachers/church taught. Even in the context of marriage, sex wasn't kosher unless the endgame was penis in vagina, man depositing sperm into vagina sex. Oral sex was only OK if P-in-v sex followed. There was absolutely zero mention of female pleasure. No information about the fact that hey, maybe a dude should try to pleasure his wife. What does she like? Nope-sperm in vagina-that is all that mattered. Butt stuff was completely off limits. 

I'd be a really shitty Catholic.

Sugargirl1019

As a Christian, I like all of it.

And sex - I wish people would explore ALL their partner has to offer for sex! Women never orgasming? WHAT? What is wrong with their curiosity?

manateehugger

Sugargirl1019 said:

As a Christian, I like all of it. And sex - I wish people would explore ALL their partner has to offer for sex! Women never orgasming? WHAT? What is wrong with their curiosity?

Yeah, this part always makes me sad when churches/families hand down the message that sex itself is bad. 

I'm excited to see more churches embracing programs that encourage married couples to develop a healthy sexual relationship. Read through Song of Solomon and just try to tell me that sex isn't supposed to be enjoyable. 

Sugargirl1019

My favorite book in the bible. We had a passage read at our ceremony. God created sex for you to enjoy!

chibiyui

I'll be honest, I was super ready to roll my eyes at number 1. And it actually wasn't that bad. And I really liked the "Not everyone needs to get married" bit, because well, yeah, marriage isn't for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with not getting married. 

scrunchythief

l I'm Catholic (just for context) and I've heard pretty much all of these from priests, books, prayer group leaders or peers at church.  And while yes one of sex's goals is to have it be open to life, this does not mean you can't have pleasure.  In John Paul II's Theology of the Body, he specifically says that husbands should work to make their wives climax during sex and if that doesn't happen, and the wife wants it, the husband should use other stimulation afterwards to get her there.  

As long as every sex act is loving, exclusive, unitive and open to life, Catholic church is ok with it.  Some other things might be problematic and not encouraged, but not specifically forbidden.

@daria24, I definitely have heard of experiences like yours and I'm very sorry you went to a school that didn't teach the faith properly:(  I'm really not trying to say what you experienced wasn't real-it was and I've heard it from others too.  It's just not what the Church actually teaches.

StitelME

I'll be upfront about it - I have a few hang-ups related to sex. A large part of it came from my Catholic upbringing. My parents weren't the most devout but I was exposed to enough of it that I was a virgin until I met my FI and even when we had sex the first time, I felt guilty for weeks after. To this day, I still have issues relaxing enough to enjoy sex. Part of it is self-esteem issues that I'm working on, but a part is also that I was taught that sex is, essentially, bad up until you are married and even then, it's basically for making kids. I love my FI and he understands and is patient and working with me - but it's frustrating. Having read the article, I appreciate his emphasis that marriage is hard and that you have to work on it. I hear too many brides, especially on the younger side of things (and I say that as a 23 going on 24 year old), who think it's all kittens and rainbows and chocolate chip cookies once you are married and then bail when a few storm clouds pop in. I like that the author made sure to mention this.

kerbohl

Thanks for sharing - I enjoyed that article. 
And @StitelME I completely understand that concept of feeling guilty when you shouldn't have to feel guilty.  Anything that I did with my SO before marriage that went beyond kissing made me feel so guilty for the longest time.  I did end up waiting for marriage, but it is so bizarre to me now to think about the innocent things we did together that I did feel guilty about, like sleeping in the same room when on vacation.  And I didn't have a Catholic upbringing - this is from the Reformed church which is supposedly less strict in its beliefs.  If I ever have kids (which it seems unlikely because, like some people might not be meant for marriage, some people might not be meant to be parents), I am going to be completely open with them about sex the second they have any questions about it.  This close-lipped culture of shame that women live in when it comes to sex and knowledge of sex has to stop!

StitelME

@kerbohl, I'm glad I'm not alone in this. When I have a moment to step back mentally and emotionally, I see how silly it is that I feel so guilty - especially since I've only ever been with my FI. It's just hard in the moment. If I have kids, I intend on being open about sex as well - encouraging more of a "sex isn't evil" mindset but also instilling in my kids to be safe and smart about it.