Moms and Maids

Awkward BM Dilemma...

My wedding venue is an hour away from where I live.  So, my bridesmaids and I are going to go up the night before and crash at the hotel near the venue.  The idea was for me to have one last girls night, get our nails done a day ahead, and not have to stress the morning of the wedding to get to our hair appointment on time.  We are also going to dinner with about a dozen family members that will also be at the hotel one day early.  

The problem is that one of my BMs wants to bring her boyfriend up the night before.  All of the BMs have dates, two of them are actually married, and no one else is bringing someone the night before.  My own FI will not be there the night before.  So now I have one BM who will be in her own, separate room instead of hanging with us.  I'm pretty much fine with that as I want everyone to be happy and enjoy the weekend, but does this mean I need to invite him to my family dinner?  I think that's really awkward.  Also, the wedding is not until 7pm on Saturday.  We are getting hair / makeup done and then taking pictures at the venue.  I don't want an extra person tagging along for all that (I barely know this boyfriend), but it sounds like this BM is uncomfortable leaving him alone at the hotel.  I tried to explain to her that I want her to be happy, but that I also don't want anyone to feel awkward.  I even said they could do their own thing for dinner and shouldn't feel obligated to go out with my family and might feel more comfy hanging at the hotel.  I also offered to introduce him to some of the other dates who will be hanging around or guests that are coming later that he might want to just carpool with. 

Idon't want to offend her, but the other BMs think this is super weird, and I don't want an extra person tagging along all day...help?

Re: Awkward BM Dilemma...

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think you need to let it go.  The fact is, there is no requirement that wedding party members spend all their time before the wedding with the principal they are attending or as a group, especially without their SOs.  If she and her BF can go to dinner on their own and hang at the hotel without the rest of you, it shouldn't make any difference whether the other bridesmaids think it is "super weird" or not.  

    PS: It isn't "super weird" or "weird" at all to want to spend time with one's SO, and not with the other bridal party members right before a wedding.  I think it's perfectly natural.
    holyguacamole79
  • My wedding venue is an hour away from where I live.  So, my bridesmaids and I are going to go up the night before and crash at the hotel near the venue.  The idea was for me to have one last girls night, get our nails done a day ahead, and not have to stress the morning of the wedding to get to our hair appointment on time.  We are also going to dinner with about a dozen family members that will also be at the hotel one day early.  


    The problem is that one of my BMs wants to bring her boyfriend up the night before.  All of the BMs have dates, two of them are actually married, and no one else is bringing someone the night before.  My own FI will not be there the night before.  So now I have one BM who will be in her own, separate room instead of hanging with us.  I'm pretty much fine with that as I want everyone to be happy and enjoy the weekend, but does this mean I need to invite him to my family dinner?  I think that's really awkward.  Also, the wedding is not until 7pm on Saturday.  We are getting hair / makeup done and then taking pictures at the venue.  I don't want an extra person tagging along for all that (I barely know this boyfriend), but it sounds like this BM is uncomfortable leaving him alone at the hotel.  I tried to explain to her that I want her to be happy, but that I also don't want anyone to feel awkward.  I even said they could do their own thing for dinner and shouldn't feel obligated to go out with my family and might feel more comfy hanging at the hotel.  I also offered to introduce him to some of the other dates who will be hanging around or guests that are coming later that he might want to just carpool with. 

    Idon't want to offend her, but the other BMs think this is super weird, and I don't want an extra person tagging along all day...help?
    I don't think you need to invite him to "just the girls" stiff like getting your nails done but I would invite him to the family dinner. Its only awkward you think its awkward.

    If you literally said they "could do their own thing for dinner and...might feel more comfy hanging out at the hotel" I think you need to have a follow up convo. Yikes! If a bride said that to me, it'd be pretty damn obvious what her motives were. May as well wear a sandwich sign that says "HE'S NOT WELCOME!" Talk about awkward.....
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    MairePoppy
  • I said that she didn't need to feel obligated to attend and that he was welcome to join us if she chose to. I want to leave it up to her, and my intention is to avoid her being miserable the night before my wedding. Since she didn't respond to my message yet, I have no idea how she took it. I will happily clarify when she responds, but I didn't know how to phrase "you're not obligated to attend". I may have done a bad job of it...I'm awkward and terrible at this type of stuff...but i don't want to hound her with repeated emails trying to explain myself.
  • Honestly, it makes sense to me that he drives up the night before with her.  It solves the issue of how he gets there the next day.  They may not want to have two cars there.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would invite him to the dinner, but after that he is on his own.  I wouldn't think he will want to hang out with a bunch of girls getting hair and makeup done.  Let the BM decide for herself if she will be staying in your room that night.  If she wants to stay with her BF, that's fine.  Just let her know when her hair or makeup starts the next day.  The BF could certainly hang at the pool or find something to do on his own.

    I also hope that you offered the rest of your BMs the opportunity to attend the RD with their SOs.  
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    I said that she didn't need to feel obligated to attend and that he was welcome to join us if she chose to. I want to leave it up to her, and my intention is to avoid her being miserable the night before my wedding. Since she didn't respond to my message yet, I have no idea how she took it. I will happily clarify when she responds, but I didn't know how to phrase "you're not obligated to attend". I may have done a bad job of it...I'm awkward and terrible at this type of stuff...but i don't want to hound her with repeated emails trying to explain myself.


    Ditto Southernbelle0915. It sounds like you're uninviting your bm to the dinner. She isn't making things awkward, you are. I know things are lost in translation in e-mails and texts. This is why it's important to have an actual conversation when it comes to clarifying plans.

    By the way, all the husbands and s/os of the wedding party should have been invited to the dinner. They are social units, who should always be invited together, unless it's a women's or men's event, such as a shower, bp or 'getting ready' for the wedding.

                       
    southernbelle0915
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    What kind of dinner is this?  Is this your rehearsal dinner?  If so he (and all the other SOs) needs to be invited.



  • Just to clarify, it's not a rehearsal dinner.  It's not even a dinner with invitations.  We are not having a rehearsal and my fiance will not even be there.  It's simply my family asking to have dinner with me and the bridesmaids since we will all be at the hotel early.  It's essentially a girls night. 

    All of the other BMs do have dates attending the wedding.  No one else is having them come the night before.  I never said that they were not allowed.  It just didn't make sense to bring the guys.  We are going up there as part of our "getting ready" plan.  The others are all very excited about using the time to get mani/pedis, have a relaxing dinner, and enjoy a girls night sleepover before the big day.  
  • Just to clarify, it's not a rehearsal dinner.  It's not even a dinner with invitations.  We are not having a rehearsal and my fiance will not even be there.  It's simply my family asking to have dinner with me and the bridesmaids since we will all be at the hotel early.  It's essentially a girls night. 

    All of the other BMs do have dates attending the wedding.  No one else is having them come the night before.  I never said that they were not allowed.  It just didn't make sense to bring the guys.  We are going up there as part of our "getting ready" plan.  The others are all very excited about using the time to get mani/pedis, have a relaxing dinner, and enjoy a girls night sleepover before the big day.  
    TBH, it kind of sounds like you're isolating this girl and talking about her to the other BMs behind her back. Stop doing that. Are you really going to look back on this dinner 10 years from now and be proud of yourself that you made a big stink about not letting her boyfriend attend a meal? This is not a big deal at all. 

    When you have the opportunity, always err on the side of being inclusive and gracious. This is one of those opportunities.

    Also, not everyone likes sleepovers - especially adults. 
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    OliveOilsMomdanamw
  • While I understand her desire to bring the guy along the night before (and while I would think it was a blast, I get that not everyone is excited about sleepovers)....  I also understand your fear that dude will be tagging along with all your girl stuff the day of your wedding, which is a huge bummer.

    What you need a Bridesmaid Bouncer. I have been the Bridesmaid Bouncer at past weddings, and had to ask a certain BM BF to leave the bridal suite when we were getting ready. He did not seem to take the hint and the bride was annoyed (as were we all... it's girl time! No one wants to lolly around in their slip, bitch about their nails, put on makeup, dance around to Nicki Menaj, etc. with some random dude in the room). (Plus, what guy in his right mind wants to be there for that? My SO was three blocks away, enjoying the quiet before the storm while drinking a pint and watching a baseball game... but you would be surprised. Some guys just have no clue.)

    I suggest preemptively asking your most tactful friend if she wouldn't mind taking on bouncer duties. "Hey Harold, you've been SO helpful getting us coffee this morning, it's been awesome! It's time to start getting Chasingsunlight ready now! Can't wait to see you at the reception!" (Said while smiling broadly and sincerely and while opening the door....) The bride I mentioned above has already graciously volunteered for this task at my own wedding, and may also be bringing a 'Girls Only' sign for the suite door....

  • I feel I am going against a lot of people here but I personally would also find this annoying. If you can't possibly go one night with out your SO... well that is their decision, but that doesn't mean he get's invited to everything you are. 

    Is the dinner also girl time? If it is, then he's also not invited. Your FI is not there or the other SOs, so why would this guy be here? I know personally H would be less then thrilled if I was at a "girls night" and some dude was there!

    Sounds like she knows she's invited to everything, and now she can make the decision to attend or not. But just because she doesn't want to be away from SO from the night doesn't mean she get's to change the plans for the evening, she can only remove herself from them.
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    Anniversary
    Jamiea291
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If I was a BM I would bring up my H as well because why take two cars when we can just go up in one. Also, I hate sleepovers so this would be a good way to be able to sleep in my own room. I would then tell H "hey, we girls are going to hang out and get our nails done and other girly shit."  He would then say "okay, I am going to hang out at the bar."  For the day of the wedding H would sleep in and all he would need is to know what time the wedding started.  He certainly wouldn't feel the need to tag along.

    As for the family dinner, I would invite him along.  Because if your family consists of men as well as women then the dinner no longer ceases to be a girls thing.

    OliveOilsMom
  • I feel I am going against a lot of people here but I personally would also find this annoying. If you can't possibly go one night with out your SO... well that is their decision, but that doesn't mean he get's invited to everything you are. 

    Is the dinner also girl time? If it is, then he's also not invited. Your FI is not there or the other SOs, so why would this guy be here? I know personally H would be less then thrilled if I was at a "girls night" and some dude was there!

    Sounds like she knows she's invited to everything, and now she can make the decision to attend or not. But just because she doesn't want to be away from SO from the night doesn't mean she get's to change the plans for the evening, she can only remove herself from them.
    I agree, I would find this annoying/strange.  Obviously it's her prerogative to spend the night with her boyfriend if she wants to, but in my head I'd be kind of like "Reallyyyyy you can't spend one night apart...".

    Anyway, I don't think it's fair for him to be invited to the dinner the night before when no other SO's are and it's a dinner for your family to take out your bridesmaids.  That would make me unhappy if I were your BM whose SO wasn't there- I love girl time but it would definitely make me miss my guy and bum me out to have a couple tagging along with us all night.  And honestly, if your family is taking you out (not sure if that's the case but that's how I read it) then it'd be weird for you to invite someone else along on their dime.  

    So it seems like you've done what you can in terms of giving your BM the option of declining to go to dinner in favor of hanging out with her boyfriend, and I think that's enough.  
  • For me, it wouldn't be that I ZOMG can't live without my SO for even ONE NIGHT!!! It would be that:

    1) This is an OOT wedding. It doesn't make sense to drive separately and have 2 cars there.
    2) I stopped liking sleepovers when I was teenager.

    This is such a non-issue I can hardly stand it. The girly stuff is girls only, obviously. And dinner should include the BF since it's not girls only. Honestly, this is making a fucking mountain range out of a molehill. Be a good hostess, invite the boyfriend to dinner FFS.
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    Maggie0829OliveOilsMomKeptInStitches
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    @southernbelle0915 - I completely agree with you.  I don't get the whole jumping to the conclusion that she can't be without her SO for one night.  Logistically it just makes sense for him to come up with her.  I mean I can certainly spend a night away from my H for one night (hell I sometimes secretly hope he will go on vacation with his friends every once in a while so I can get the house to myself) but it just does not make sense to drive separately and then have to pay for hotel parking for two cars. And like you and like me some people hate sleepovers once they get out of high school.

    southernbelle0915OliveOilsMom
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