Received a last minute invite to a wedding, and am wondering what to do in response.

missdelilah

Last week, I received a last minute invite from to the wedding of someone who had been a friend in high school.  The wedding is in another country in September, so it was pretty obvious from the get go that I wasn't going to be able to make it.  

The bride and I haven't been good friends in about thirteen years, and I haven't seen her in about six, and that was only because we bumped in to her in town one night and decided to stop and have a drink together.  Over the last few months, we've been corresponding regularly over Facebook, about a number of things, wedding planning included.  She told me that she felt we had become very close, and sent me the invite knowing that it was highly unlikely that I would come, but that there would be a space for me if I could arrange it, and she really wanted me to be there.

I'd actually love to go, but I have a second wedding in September that I'm not attending, as I can't afford to spend an entire months overseas so close to my own wedding (February).  I feel as though the bride and I have gotten close, and I'm hoping we might be able to meet face to face later in the year, but while it's looking like it will be quite likely, there are no definite plans for that yet.  

My issue is, that although we haven't sent save the dates yet, our guest list is about twice the size of what we'll be able to accommodate.  I know that roughly 1/3 of those won't come due to travel costs, and I've read a lot about how to estimate the actual turn out from the size of the guest list.  I think that we'll get the number of people we're looking for, but considering how tight the list is, do I have to send a reciprocal invitation up front, or should I wait to get a better feel for who's coming.  Of course, if we meet in person and it just turns out that we're better online friends, that makes the decision easy.  I don't want anyone to feel as though they're on an invitation B list.  Should I assume that said bride knows that we already have our guest list planned out, or that she would be offended to get a later than usual invitation?

Thanks for your advice!

pinkshorts27

missdelilah said:

Last week, I received a last minute invite from to the wedding of someone who had been a friend in high school.  The wedding is in another country in September, so it was pretty obvious from the get go that I wasn't going to be able to make it.  

The bride and I haven't been good friends in about thirteen years, and I haven't seen her in about six, and that was only because we bumped in to her in town one night and decided to stop and have a drink together.  Over the last few months, we've been corresponding regularly over Facebook, about a number of things, wedding planning included.  She told me that she felt we had become very close, and sent me the invite knowing that it was highly unlikely that I would come, but that there would be a space for me if I could arrange it, and she really wanted me to be there.

I'd actually love to go, but I have a second wedding in September that I'm not attending, as I can't afford to spend an entire months overseas so close to my own wedding (February).  I feel as though the bride and I have gotten close, and I'm hoping we might be able to meet face to face later in the year, but while it's looking like it will be quite likely, there are no definite plans for that yet.  

My issue is, that although we haven't sent save the dates yet, our guest list is about twice the size of what we'll be able to accommodate.  I know that roughly 1/3 of those won't come due to travel costs, and I've read a lot about how to estimate the actual turn out from the size of the guest list.  I think that we'll get the number of people we're looking for, but considering how tight the list is, do I have to send a reciprocal invitation up front, or should I wait to get a better feel for who's coming.  Of course, if we meet in person and it just turns out that we're better online friends, that makes the decision easy.  I don't want anyone to feel as though they're on an invitation B list.  Should I assume that said bride knows that we already have our guest list planned out, or that she would be offended to get a later than usual invitation?

Thanks for your advice!

Always be prepared to host 100% of your guest list.  We thought the same thing, but cousins we thought for sure wouldn't come to our Dec 27th wedding have already bought tickets.

Also, don't b-list anyone.

Nymeru

If you're already over what you can accommodate, you really shouldn't invite anyone else.  While it might end up working out the way you anticipate, there is always the chance that more people will choose to come than you had planned on.  Even if 1/3 of your list doesn't come like you said, you're still over the number of what you can host if your guest list really is twice the size of the venue's capacity.  Besides, your friend might not be able to afford to attend your wedding after having a DW of her own a few months prior.  Plus, just because you were invited to her wedding, doesn't mean that you need to send a reciprocal invitation to her.

missdelilah

I do understand that it's not necessary to reciprocate the invite, I just feel that with the weddings being so close together, it would be rude not to.  But you're right.  I should have a second look at the guest list anyway and go through it really carefully.  

I don't think her attendance would be in question if I extended an invite.  The venue is half an hour's drive from her house; there will be one person there who she saw last September (I didn't stay in touch with very many people from that school) and that will be it, so rehashing an old outfit wouldn't be a problem either.

Thanks for your help @Nymeru.

theartistformerlyknownas

It's not rude at all to not reciprocate the invitation. Everyone's wedding and budget and guest list and circumstances are different. You're completely in the clear to not invite this person.

missdelilah

Thanks @lolo883!  Feeling better about the whole situation now.  

JoanE2012

missdelilah said:

Last week, I received a last minute invite from to the wedding of someone who had been a friend in high school.  The wedding is in another country in September, so it was pretty obvious from the get go that I wasn't going to be able to make it.  

The bride and I haven't been good friends in about thirteen years, and I haven't seen her in about six, and that was only because we bumped in to her in town one night and decided to stop and have a drink together.  Over the last few months, we've been corresponding regularly over Facebook, about a number of things, wedding planning included.  She told me that she felt we had become very close, and sent me the invite knowing that it was highly unlikely that I would come, but that there would be a space for me if I could arrange it, and she really wanted me to be there.

I'd actually love to go, but I have a second wedding in September that I'm not attending, as I can't afford to spend an entire months overseas so close to my own wedding (February).  I feel as though the bride and I have gotten close, and I'm hoping we might be able to meet face to face later in the year, but while it's looking like it will be quite likely, there are no definite plans for that yet.  

My issue is, that although we haven't sent save the dates yet, our guest list is about twice the size of what we'll be able to accommodate.  I know that roughly 1/3 of those won't come due to travel costs, and I've read a lot about how to estimate the actual turn out from the size of the guest list.  I think that we'll get the number of people we're looking for, but considering how tight the list is, do I have to send a reciprocal invitation up front, or should I wait to get a better feel for who's coming.  Of course, if we meet in person and it just turns out that we're better online friends, that makes the decision easy.  I don't want anyone to feel as though they're on an invitation B list.  Should I assume that said bride knows that we already have our guest list planned out, or that she would be offended to get a later than usual invitation?

Thanks for your advice!

There is no such thing as a calculator to estimate how many people will attend!  It is crazy to think there is!  Every guest list is unique, there is no magic formula.

You are setting yourself up for disaster by inviting twice what you will be able to accommodate.  I can't tell you the number of times I've seen brides here that did the same thing you did and come back later to find a solution.  

You either: a) Invite the number you can afford to and the venue allows or b) Cut your guest list.  Don't assume anyone will decline.

missdelilah

Thanks @JoanE2012  I know there's no magic formula, but I know with certainty what percentage are polite invitations that will be declined.  As for the rest, it's an estimate at best.  I can easily change with the venue from a sit down dinner to a cocktail set up if we get more people than be accommodated for dinner, but I'd prefer not to do that.  So, it's back to the revising the guest list.  A lot of people are on it simply because they're friends of my parents, even though I don't do any more than exchange Christmas cards with them now.  They can all go without anyone being upset.  Dad told me not to invite anyone on his behalf, which gets rid of about 1/3 of the people.  I think it will turn out alright in the end.  We're so far off from sending anything that we've got time to fiddle with it all.

[Deleted User]

missdelilah said:

Thanks @JoanE2012  I know there's no magic formula, but I know with certainty what percentage are polite invitations that will be declined.  As for the rest, it's an estimate at best.  I can easily change with the venue from a sit down dinner to a cocktail set up if we get more people than be accommodated for dinner, but I'd prefer not to do that.  So, it's back to the revising the guest list.  A lot of people are on it simply because they're friends of my parents, even though I don't do any more than exchange Christmas cards with them now.  They can all go without anyone being upset.  Dad told me not to invite anyone on his behalf, which gets rid of about 1/3 of the people.  I think it will turn out alright in the end.  We're so far off from sending anything that we've got time to fiddle with it all.

You can't know with certainty.  People you've never met may decide that they've always wanted to go to wherever you're getting married and will make the trip for your wedding.  Just don't over invite.  Please don't over invite.

JoanE2012

missdelilah said:

Thanks @JoanE2012  I know there's no magic formula, but I know with certainty what percentage are polite invitations that will be declined.  As for the rest, it's an estimate at best.  I can easily change with the venue from a sit down dinner to a cocktail set up if we get more people than be accommodated for dinner, but I'd prefer not to do that.  So, it's back to the revising the guest list.  A lot of people are on it simply because they're friends of my parents, even though I don't do any more than exchange Christmas cards with them now.  They can all go without anyone being upset.  Dad told me not to invite anyone on his behalf, which gets rid of about 1/3 of the people.  I think it will turn out alright in the end.  We're so far off from sending anything that we've got time to fiddle with it all.

Until you receive the RSVPs back, you do not know.  We had a few sets of couples that were friends with my parents (that we didn't know!) fly in that we never dreamed would happen!  But they wanted to see my parents and celebrate and show support.  

Even if you change it to a cocktail setup, where do you expect everyone to sit?  EVERY butt needs a seat, no matter your reception type.  I really hope you reconsider and only invite the number of people you can truly accommodate.

So that said, and back to your original question......invites are not tit for tat.  If you don't have the space, don't invite this friend.  And don't B-list either.  That is incredibly rude.

ShadeofGreen816

Sorry to be a broken record, OP but I have to agree with the people who are concerned about your guest list. I am having a DW in 13 days, and I just realized that I'm on the bubble of having to switch from my favorite room at the hotel where we're getting married to my very least favorite because SO many people are coming that we didn't think they would. I am excited to see them all, but I may have my very first wedding meltdown if I really have to switch rooms... and it's definitely my fault. 

That being said I know I'll have a great wedding (and you will too), but please DON'T give yourself that extra stress. I actually found myself hoping that some people wouldn't come. How awful of a feeling... anyway... please think about this VERY carefully and see if you can trim your list. 

jacques27

Just wanted to reiterate, unless you're Kreskin, you don't KNOW that people aren't coming.  People you never even dreamed would make the effort may end up wanting to be there (even if you only exchange cards with them, maybe they want the opportunity to see your parents).  I had a friend tell me "I really don't expect you to take up vacation days and spend money on a flight here, but I want to invite you."  And I decided what the heck?  I'd never been to Maine, so I took it as an opportunity to take a few extra days off to enjoy a few days of vacation with it as well.  You just never know until you get the cards back.

Would you be inviting this person, right here, right now if no other factors were involved? If the answer is no, then that is perfectly fine and you should stop worrying about it.  I have never EXPECTED to be invited to anyone's wedding, even family members (I might side-eye if a parent remarried or a sibling got married and didn't invite me, but cousins? Aunts and uncles? Nieces and nephews?  Nope.  No expectation of an invitation.).  And the only time I have ever been offended when it comes to invitations or lack thereof to a wedding is when it was very clear I was b-listed (I might have even been c or d-listed in the one instance - it was an email from my uncle for my cousin's wedding six days before the wedding inviting me because "they forgot".).  But I have never been offended to not be invited at all.

missdelilah

Thanks for weighing in.  I'm definitely going to have to revisit my list, as said previously.

@JoanE2012 I do know with certainty that a certain amount of people wish to receive invites but won't be able to attend, because we've discussed it with them, and they've told us that much.  These are mainly FIs friends and family.  I don't really know why they still wish to receive invites, but I'm happy to provide them.  It's not a "just in case circumstances change" invite from what they've told me; more a matter of not feeling left out.  

@SarahRN87 I'm sorry about your having to change rooms.  I hope the second room is lovely.  I did wonder if my venue could do this.  I know they're holding another wedding that night, and I'm assuming that one's in the room that  fits 300.  But I could be really wrong, and it might be a small party in one of the smaller rooms. 

 

We expect 45 - 60 people to turn up, out of an original 90, but as I said in a previous post, I don't have to invite everyone on the original list because Dad said not to worry about his friends.  60 people is possible with sit down dinner, but with a slightly less desirable table set up.  It stretches the budget, but doesn't break it.  It's not the world's biggest problem.  

@adk19 I always wonder about the people who turn up to the weddings of those they've never met.  No matter how related you might be.  There's no one on our list that either FI or I don't know.  

Thanks again for weighing in.

missdelilah

@jacques27 You're absolutely right about badly thought through B/C/D lists.  As I said earlier, I wouldn't want anyone to feel as though they'd been on anything other than the A list.  

I don't feel remotely B listed by the original bride, because we didn't really didn't start speaking until a few months ago.  I was going to wait until we possibly meet at the end of the year to make a decision on an invite for her, simply because we haven't seen each other in such a long time, and get along with someone online is really different than face to face.  And if we go with the original idea of sending the invites two months out, she'll get hers when everyone else gets theirs.

Thanks for your help.