Not Engaged Yet Blues

stephanie59hickman

My boyfriend and I met in high school 6 years ago. We’ve been together for nearly 5 years. We are moving into our first apartment together in a couple months. He has told me over and over again that he is going to marry me. He has told me that he’s going to get me a custom engagement ring and showed me a sketch of the design. We’ve discussed venues, food, music, and basically everything else for our December wedding. We’ve discussed possible wedding dates. We’re looking at 12/5/15.

But we’re not officially engaged yet. He hasn’t said the words “Will you marry me?” and there’s no ring yet mostly because he can’t afford one right now. He says he’s got this incredibly romantic plan for when and how he’ll propose to me. He even has it down to the day, hour, and minute that he will do it. He’s told me that he wants a relatively short engagement because we’ve already been together for so long and we know that we’ll marry so there’s no point in prolonging anything. I told him that if he’s not going to give me proper time to plan our wedding then I’m going to plan it now, before the actual proposal. He said that he’s fine with me planning and buying whatever I want as early or late as I want just so long as at the end of it, he gets to marry me. So I set an appointment at this fancy bridal salon to try on dresses. He told me that if I find “the one” and we can afford it, that he wants me to buy it right then and there so I don’t potentially lose the chance to buy it later.

But now that my appointment is only 6 days away, I’m feeling almost guilty for trying on dresses when I’m not really engaged. I will absolutely not cancel my appointment as my excitement to hopefully find my dream dress far outweighs my nervousness. But I don’t really feel like a bride and I fear that others will see me as a kid playing dress up. My family and friends often laugh at me for planning a wedding when I’m not engaged. This hurts so much because it’s as if they are claiming that my relationship and future marriage are invalid. Even the girl who’ve I’ve already asked to be my matron of honor laughed when I told her that I’m going to try on dresses. I want to feel like a real bride and I do until everyone starts telling me that I’m an idiot. I just want to be able to ignore what everyone is saying and focus on the fact that I’m marrying the man of my dreams and I should be joyful. Any words of encouragement or women who are in the same boat as me would be much appreciated to boost my confidence before my appointment.

lilacck28

You can be engaged without a ring. You can also be engaged without an "official" proposal moment. But you should not be planning a wedding to the extent that it sounds like you are (buying a dress, putting deposits down on vendors, etc) until you FEEL engaged and decide that you are engaged.

You and your bf need to decide what being engaged means to you. Does it mean he pops the question? or is it just that you've both decided to marry? You can also be engaged without a ring, or a question, but then have those moments later. 

Personally, I looked at dresses online and looked up venues and flowers online before getting engaged. Engaged for me meant he popped the question with a ring. Before that, we had been living together. I was with him when he bought the ring. But I did not consider myself engaged until he asked me and gave me the ring. And then the planning ACTUALLY started. As in, I visited venues, I went shopping, I put down deposits and told family members and friends the date. 

Both of you considering yourselves engaged is the key here.

natswild

good news, as the two of you are planning your wedding, you're already engaged! Having a ring is not a requirement of being engaged, and there are actually quite a few ladies on here who were engaged without rings. Happy planning!

LabLove86

stephanielh12 said:

My boyfriend and I met in high school 6 years ago. We’ve been together for nearly 5 years. We are moving into our first apartment together in a couple months. He has told me over and over again that he is going to marry me. He has told me that he’s going to get me a custom engagement ring and showed me a sketch of the design. We’ve discussed venues, food, music, and basically everything else for our December wedding. We’ve discussed possible wedding dates. We’re looking at 12/5/15.

But we’re not officially engaged yet. He hasn’t said the words “Will you marry me?” and there’s no ring yet mostly because he can’t afford one right now. He says he’s got this incredibly romantic plan for when and how he’ll propose to me. He even has it down to the day, hour, and minute that he will do it. He’s told me that he wants a relatively short engagement because we’ve already been together for so long and we know that we’ll marry so there’s no point in prolonging anything. I told him that if he’s not going to give me proper time to plan our wedding then I’m going to plan it now, before the actual proposal. He said that he’s fine with me planning and buying whatever I want as early or late as I want just so long as at the end of it, he gets to marry me. So I set an appointment at this fancy bridal salon to try on dresses. He told me that if I find “the one” and we can afford it, that he wants me to buy it right then and there so I don’t potentially lose the chance to buy it later.

But now that my appointment is only 6 days away, I’m feeling almost guilty for trying on dresses when I’m not really engaged. I will absolutely not cancel my appointment as my excitement to hopefully find my dream dress far outweighs my nervousness. But I don’t really feel like a bride and I fear that others will see me as a kid playing dress up. My family and friends often laugh at me for planning a wedding when I’m not engaged. This hurts so much because it’s as if they are claiming that my relationship and future marriage are invalid. Even the girl who’ve I’ve already asked to be my matron of honor laughed when I told her that I’m going to try on dresses. I want to feel like a real bride and I do until everyone starts telling me that I’m an idiot. I just want to be able to ignore what everyone is saying and focus on the fact that I’m marrying the man of my dreams and I should be joyful. Any words of encouragement or women who are in the same boat as me would be much appreciated to boost my confidence before my appointment.

First Bolded - it is very difficult to pick a date before booking a venue. The venue you want may be booked for that day, ect. 

Second Bolded - most of the ladies here will get very defensive about "Officially Engaged" - you are or you are not. You can be engaged without announcing it yet - but you are, or you are not. No middle ground. If you have decided you are getting married and you are planning - then you are engaged - congratulations!

Third Bolded - if he cannot afford a ring right now, then it might actually be in the best inerest of the relationship to hold of for now. Get more established financially. Live together for a while and see how that goes. You guys are young (5 yrs out of high school so I'm guessing you guys are about 22?? - it is totally OK to wait a little bit longer to become more financially/emotionally/anything else stable) Also - if he cannot afford the ring, will you guys be able to afford a wedding? They can get very expensive very quickly. Of course I'm assuming you're interested in a big wedding with all the trimmings - and you may not be. Which is also ok.

Last paragraph - they don't see your relationship itself as invalid (maybe they do?) - but it is not a very smart thing to be planning a wedding when you're not "officially engaged'' yet. You don't sound like an idiot - but it sounds like you're getting slightly (ok a lot) ahead of yourself and your relationship. Let things happen as they happen. 

You guys are moving in together-  great! Enjoy that, Learn from that, you are starting your life together/have been living your life together. I would recommend concentrating on submerging yourself in hobbies, decorating your apartment, and just enjoying your life as it is now.

CLoGreenEyes

If you both agree to get married and are actively planning your wedding, you can consider yourselves engaged. You don't need a fancy proposal or a ring - a few of the women on here got engaged without either one, often picking out rings with their SOs after their engagement. But you're right, it's not really OK to plan your wedding without considering yourself engaged.

You and your BF need to consider what's more important to you both. If you both want to be engaged and start planning now, then there you have it. If you both really want the proposal and ring before becoming engaged, that's fine, but then you need to stop planning the wedding for now. Of course you're going to still see some ideas and daydream and whatnot, and that's usually fine. But as far as putting down money on anything, scheduling or booking vendors, etc. - that's a no-no until you are engaged. It takes the ambiguity out of the process and will do away with that guilt you feel about your upcoming appointment.

You guys already have a lot on your plate with moving into your first apartment together! Why stress over something that (it sounds like) doesn't feel right to you right now? Enjoy moving in together, setting up your first place, and learning how to live together - let the engagement happen at its proper time and place. You are not stuck with December 2015; if it takes a little longer to get engaged, you can pick a later date to get married. But it sounds like you are already uncomfortable and unsure about planning while not being engaged, so my suggestion is to not plan and concentrate on the here and now.

Tell us a little about you. How old are you and your SO? Do you guys work, are you in school, etc.? Any furbabies?

bethsmiles

I'd hold off on planning the wedding. Have you talked to your parents? Your siblings? Your best friends? All of the people you can't imagine not having at your wedding? If not, you have no idea if your possible date will even work, plus you don't have a venue locked down so you absolutely don't have a date.

You are putting the cart before the horse my dear. You don't say I'm getting married on X date so propose a year before then. You get engaged, then you set the date depending on how long you want to wait and how long you want to plan.

Also, even with the date 12/5/15 you are over a year out and don't need to be looking at dresses at all.

The PPs are all correct in saying you don't need a ring to be engaged but it sounds like that isn't the track you and your BF want to take. But until you decide that you are engaged (with or without the ring) nobody is going to take you seriously. I would tell any of my friends they were crazy if they went to try on wedding dresses and weren't engaged, because it's ridiculous.

phira

Honestly?

Stop planning the wedding. You feel super uncomfortable and guilty about it. And while normally I'd say, "Fuck what other people think," it's clear that other people's comments about your situation are amplifying your own fears and insecurities.

Cancel the dress appointment. Your whole, "But the DREAM DRESS" is pretty irrelevant. Many of us want to find our dream dresses, but there's plenty of time to find a great wedding dress after you're actually engaged, and wearing a not-quite-perfect dress to your wedding will end up being unimportant.

I get that your guy wants a short engagement, but one of the reasons why people have long (or whatever your guy considers "long") engagements is because they need X amount of time to plan and to save. My partner and I needed over a year to save up enough money for the wedding we wanted to have, so our engagement will be about 15 months. But if we didn't need 15 months, we might not have waited 15 months.

So it's fine if he wants a short engagement--especially if you want a short engagement, too--but then the rest of this planning shouldn't be necessary. If you have to plan now in order to have the wedding you want by the end of next year ... then get engaged now.

You don't say anything about what you think of his perfect proposal. What do you think? Does it matter to you? Would you rather you just get engaged now? You don't need a ring to be engaged, and ... you don't need one person to propose to the other to be engaged. My fiancé never proposed to me, and I never proposed to him, and we're still engaged. But my point is that if he's going to insist on making the proposal perfect and special, and he won't do it until the perfect time ... that's really for him, not for you. Because if he knows he wants to marry you, and you know you want to marry him ... why can't this be official now?

kaitlynmichelle

One of my friends begged me to try on dresses with her before we were both engaged. I said absolutely not. You are putting the cart before the horse.

How can you afford a wedding and not a ring? Not saying you HAVE to have a ring or a large wedding. But you might want to consider that as well.

The date you want might not work with the venue you choose either. But really, you should get engaged before you plan all this stuff.

I really would recommend you hold off on looking at dresses in person. Get ideas, sure. But if he doesn't propose for awhile, your date might be pushed back. Styles and even our tastes change. What I wanted 2 years ago when I was dreaming about my wedding is SO different than what I like now. What if you decide on a different season and end up regretting your dress choice?

I get the impatience, I truly do. I waited 9 years for my FI to propose, and we were also highschool sweethearts. But planning stuff now isn't a good idea. If that's what you want to do, consider a less expensive ring option and see if your BF is on board with a sooner proposal. Try focusing on other stuff - like moving in together soon. That's exciting! You'll drive yourself insane if you only focus on wedding stuff before you are engaged. That's what the engagement time is for - planning a wedding. I planned ours relatively quickly so you shouldn't stress over not having time when really, your date isn't set.

You need to decide if you are engaged or not - rings don't make an engagement. If you aren't - step back and just relax for awhile.

BreMR

Personally, I would slow your roll.  It sounds like the actual engagement moment is important to you, so I would wait for that... My fiance had discussed a wedding date and wedding venue at a time we couldn't afford a ring...and it didn't feel right to me.  I told him that I wanted to wait for the official asking moment and I came here to help with my BSC obsession.

I can't even imagine calling venues or trying on dresses when I didn't even consider myself engaged.  Mostly because the first things they ask are "when is your date, what is the size of your event, what is your vision" blah blah blah.  It's silly to not have those answers when you're calling  people. ..they most likely won't take you seriously.  If you don't even consider yourselves engaged, venues won't either.

Dignity100

I agree with the other ladies, slow down!  If you want to be engaged without a ring, be engaged without a ring.  If you don't want to be engaged without a ring, stop planning.  Sure watching a show like 'Say Yes to the Dress' is fine, but trying on dresses is not.

As far as dates go, you need to talk to your VIPs and find several date options that work for them as well as you guys.  You will want SEVERAL options of dates picked out in case the venue of your choice is already booked.  I originally wanted a Saturday wedding, but my venue for my size wedding doesn't do weekend weddings on Sat/Sun/Holidays, so we're getting married on a Tuesday (day after a holiday).

As far as paying for the wedding.  I would make sure I could afford the wedding without the help of others before planning it.  Even if your parents say they'll help, helping might be handing you a check for $100 or it might mean picking up the tab on the venue costs.  Neither my FI's parents or my parents have offered to help us pay for the wedding (we would probably decline anyway).  As soon as you start throwing in venues and such, weddings can be expensive and get out of control really quickly.

GoldenPenguin

bethsmiles said:

I'd hold off on planning the wedding. Have you talked to your parents? Your siblings? Your best friends? All of the people you can't imagine not having at your wedding? If not, you have no idea if your possible date will even work, plus you don't have a venue locked down so you absolutely don't have a date.

You are putting the cart before the horse my dear. You don't say I'm getting married on X date so propose a year before then. You get engaged, then you set the date depending on how long you want to wait and how long you want to plan.

Also, even with the date 12/5/15 you are over a year out and don't need to be looking at dresses at all.

The PPs are all correct in saying you don't need a ring to be engaged but it sounds like that isn't the track you and your BF want to take. But until you decide that you are engaged (with or without the ring) nobody is going to take you seriously. I would tell any of my friends they were crazy if they went to try on wedding dresses and weren't engaged, because it's ridiculous.

Bold #1: THIS. When FI & I got engaged (and not UNTIL we got engaged) we wanted to get married in the fall. (We're getting married May 16, for the record.) But we didn't have a date until we locked down our venue - because the availability of the venue dictates the date. Unless you care more about the date than the venue, and shop around to find a venue that matches your date.

Bold #2: You have ZERO reason to go dress shopping. It never even occurred to me to go dress shopping before we were engaged. I looked online, sure, but I never put a dress on my body until I was engaged.

The reason why your family & friends laugh at you for planning a wedding before you're engaged is because it's ridiculous. Especially because your "planned date" is a year & a half away. He could propose today & you would have enough time to plan a wedding for Dec. 15 of THIS year. Relax, let it happen, and stop planning until you're actually engaged.

phira

Yeah, I just want to say this again: you have zero reason to be dress shopping. You say that you want your dream dress so badly that it outweighs all the negative feelings you have about dress shopping so early, but that makes no sense.

morphemes

I understand that you've been with your BF for a while and that you're excited to "take the next step". However, it seems like the next step for you two is moving into your first apartment together! That's so exciting! My recommendation is that you take the time to enjoy that process. My partner and I are coming up on one year of living together and as I look back over the past year I realize how much we've grown together and how much I've learned about him from living together. No matter how long you've dated, living together is a big change and a big step. Enjoy it. 

I won't harp on it since PP have stated what I wish too, and have sounded far more wise than myself, but an engagement doesn't require anything other than the intention of two adults. You don't need a ring. You don't need a proposal. The only thing you need is to be 100% certain that you and your SO are on the same page and agree that you are engaged. It doesn't sound like you two are on the same page about that. Since you're not engaged, do not plan a wedding. 

Try to distract yourself for a bit. It sounds like you'll have plenty of things to focus your attention on. If moving in together isn't enough to distract you, try reading a new book (there's a great thread on books) or picking up another hobby!

ETA: paragraphs.

badbnagdway

I agree with what folks have said -- if you BOTH consider yourselves engaged, ie, you have agreed that you are getting married, you are engaged. Maybe you need to have an honest conversation with your bf (or fi?) and explain you aren't pushing, but want to get his take on whether he considers himself engaged (or however you think it's best approached). If he does not, you are not. If you are not, relax, you are young (24 ish if I counted correctly) and have your whole lives ahead of you. If you are engaged without the ring, then you need to explain that to your family and friends. I completely understand the feeling that this is not all black and white. 

The downside of doing a lot of planning and trying on wedding dresses for the first time now, if you don't "feel" engaged, is that the first time you put on a wedding gown is the only first time you put on a wedding gown. 

loves2shop4shoes

How old are you?

eilis1228

I agree with everyone else. You need to sit down and decide the status of your relationship--if you want to continue serious wedding planning but wait on the ring, then congrats! You're engaged! If you won't consider yourselves engaged until the ring, then definitely wait on the wedding planning. You have plenty of time for a December 2015 wedding. Every single timeline you'll find online will tell you that it's not necessary to book anything more than a year out. Depending on where you live, some of the major vendors like venues and photographers will start to book a little more than a year out, but even still, you should be fine waiting until you both agree that you are engaged. Many brides plan their weddings in as little as 3 or 4 months. It can be done. If I were you, I'd cancel the dress appointment and stop wedding planning. Stop talking about it with your friends and family too. Don't you want them to be surprised and excited when it's finally official instead of going, "OMG FINALLY!"? Don't you want them to think it's all new and fun? You don't want them (or you, for that matter) to be burned out and tired of hearing about your alleged December 2015 wedding before it's time to really sit down and plan...

Definitely try to enjoy living together. It's a huge step in the relationship, and your dynamic will definitely change with you BF/FI. Enjoy putting together your home, creating a routine, and getting to know your BF/FI in ways you never did before. Try to focus on completing this step instead of jumping to the next one.

Also, as someone who went BSC waiting for the ring, try and distract yourself as much as you can. This means no wedding-related research. At all. Get a new hobby, read some new books, go out with friends more and more... hell, plan a vacation. Do whatever you need to do to remain happy in the interim but also not fixate on the ring. I went absolutely crazy, and it was such a terrible feeling. I don't want the same for you!

lilacck28

OMG. New apartment shopping for the first time with your BF is the BEST! I mean, spending money can be stressful... but seriously? Picking out a shower curtain together? Worth it.

speakeasy14

I agree with everyone else and want to add; if you have feelings of guilt, then stop planning.  The first thing every single person will ask is details about the wedding.  You do not have any details so that will just make you feel more uncomfortable.  

When my sister was first engaged we went to a bridal show thinking she would get ideas for a venue.  We left with her being incredibly overwhelmed because she did not have a venue or exact date.  Until you consider yourself officially engaged, do not plan anything, you don't need that additional stress.