Friends are Angry They're not bridesmaids.

tparotto

I've been friends with two girls since middle school (I'm 26 now), and up until about 2 months before getting engaged always thought they would be bridesmaids in my wedding. Being that we've been friends for so long, the subject has come up and it's something we talked about...But a month before the engagement we had a fight, made up, then I got engaged and neither one of them were genuinely happy for me. They were my first calls to announce the big news, and neither really cared...Then an entire month goes by without a single word from either of them and that includes my attempts to meet with them (SO I COULD ASK THEM TO BE IN THE WEDDING). I even made cute little bridesmaid gift invites...But no, nothing from my supposed BFF...So i began to really reconsider having them in the wedding. After talking with my mom about it for the first two months of my engagement, I decided to have only family. I was excited to be bridesmaid dress shopping with my genuinely excited and supporting family and posted it on Facebook...BIG mistake. Instantly got hate text messages from my so called best friend. We're having a heart-to-heart this Friday, which I'm fairly certain will be the equivalent of getting dumped by my so-called BFF...Were having an engagement party at the end of the month and they're both invited but neither have responded to the hosts invite...So I text the other friend explaining that I would love for her and her boyfriend to come. I understand the other friend is upset about the bridal party and I'm not sure how you feel but I want you to know I really value our friendship and it was a difficult decision but in the end I decided to have only family...She never responded. What should I do? Am I in the wrong here? Has anyone else experienced this? I'm at a complete loss, investing too many negative feelings into racking my brain over this. AND, she's posting this passive aggressive crap on facebook...sharing posts like "10 signs you should dump your best friend" haha, really? Please help...

mysticl

What constitutes being "genuinely happy"?

manateehugger

tparotto said:

I've been friends with two girls since middle school (I'm 26 now), and up until about 2 months before getting engaged always thought they would be bridesmaids in my wedding. Being that we've been friends for so long, the subject has come up and it's something we talked about...

But a month before the engagement we had a fight, made up, then I got engaged and neither one of them were genuinely happy for me. They were my first calls to announce the big news, and neither really cared...

Then an entire month goes by without a single word from either of them and that includes my attempts to meet with them (SO I COULD ASK THEM TO BE IN THE WEDDING). I even made cute little bridesmaid gift invites...

But no, nothing from my supposed BFF...So i began to really reconsider having them in the wedding. After talking with my mom about it for the first two months of my engagement, I decided to have only family. I was excited to be bridesmaid dress shopping with my genuinely excited and supporting family and posted it on Facebook...BIG mistake.

 Instantly got hate text messages from my so called best friend. We're having a heart-to-heart this Friday, which I'm fairly certain will be the equivalent of getting dumped by my so-called BFF...

Were having an engagement party at the end of the month and they're both invited but neither have responded to the hosts invite...So I text the other friend explaining that I would love for her and her boyfriend to come. I understand the other friend is upset about the bridal party and I'm not sure how you feel but I want you to know I really value our friendship and it was a difficult decision but in the end I decided to have only family...She never responded. 

What should I do? Am I in the wrong here? Has anyone else experienced this? I'm at a complete loss, investing too many negative feelings into racking my brain over this. AND, she's posting this passive aggressive crap on facebook...sharing posts like "10 signs you should dump your best friend" haha, really? Please help...

1. Paragraphs are your friend. The Knot's formatting sucks, but try to put them in there if you can. We want to help, but walls of texts are hard to process. 

2. How bad this fight was, what it was over, and what you expected from them when you got engaged are big factors here. Honestly, except for a couple really close friends who had BF's I loved as brothers, I've never been the type to squee and ramble and jump up and down over someone's engagement. I'll say, "Yay, congrats! How'd he ask?" and that's mostly it. If your friends weren't making negative comments and said congrats, what else were you looking for?

3. It's a friendship issue, not a bridesmaid issue. Take your wedding and bridesmaid dresses out of the picture right now. Are they still angry at you over the argument? Over something you said or did? I think if you talk to them, leave the wedding talk at the door. That's not the issue here. 

4. Just post as little as possible about your wedding on FB. You're inviting trouble. 

3. 

Maggie0829

OP, how long typically would you and your friends go without conversing?  Like, how often would you talk on a normal basis?  

And like others have said, I very rarely squeel and jump up and down and am uber excited to the point of crazy when someone I know gets engaged.  I send a "yay that is so exciting, congrats!" message or I tell them congrats in person, ask to see the ring (cause bling) and maybe ask how it all went down. But after that I am over the whole engagement/proposal thing.

climbingsingle

Well, given from the info you've posted, they sound like crappy friends. 

Also, keep all wedding related stuff off of Facebook. Unless you plan on inviting all of your FB friends, it's just tacky. 

abbyj700

This sounds like it's going to be all kinds of drama.

Biggest thing that jumps out at me is you never should have explained why someone isn't in your wedding party. You made your choice, no need to say anything to anyone. What was she supposed to come back with? Thanks so much for considering me but picking someone else?? It's just an awkward conversation that sounds like maybe you did via text....next time, save yourself the drama.

novella1186

If you had led them to believe they would be bridesmaids and then didn't include them, I can understand why they'd be a little hurt by that. But ignoring you or sending you nasty texts is really immature and lame. Don't be too harsh about their reactions, though. That doesn't mean much. When I got engaged and called my best friend, all she said was "jeez you're like the 5th person I know who's engaged!" Not even a "congrats" and definitely not what I expected from her. But I realized she was in a really bad place at that time and going through some shitty break-up stuff so it probably wasn't fun for her to hear that yet another one of her friends was engaged, and she probably did not even realize that her reaction was crappy. She's still my BM. I've known her since we were kids. One little road bump doesn't end a friendship. All three of you need to learn to let stuff go, it's not worth it in the bigger picture.

atlastmrsg

If they ask, tell them your bridal party is family only but you'll be delighted to celebrate with them. If they continue to be catty biatches, let them be. You can't force them to act like adults, nor should you try.

bucksgirl414

I HATE PEOPLE THAT POST SHIT ON FACEBOOK LIKE THAT!!!  Thats why I deleted my account.  Tell them WALK IT OFF!!

smhubbel

Sounds like they are the one with a problem, not you. You want to surround yourself with people who are positive and bring you up, not pull you down, especially for something like your wedding. 

I agree that if it gets brought up, tell her that you ended up deciding that you wanted just family in your wedding. That is what I'm doing for my wedding, only sisters and cousins. Let her know it doesn't mean you value your friendship any less. You could acknowledge that it was mentioned before when you were younger that she would be in your wedding, but just tell her that since you both have grown and changed, your plans changed. Again, it doesn't have anything to do with how much you value her friendship. Don't even mention that you didn't ask her because you felt as though she wasn't happy for you or that you were planning on it but she couldn't get her crap together to show up. None of that matters at this point. It is no one's fault. It is just that you felt that it really should be your family members standing up for you. 

If she otherwise wants to berate you or make you feel guilty, I'd say it is you who should be doing the dumping. Although, not necessarily dumping, just not responding to the negativity and letting the relationship fizzle or at least settle for a while. If your other friend isn't responding, then just stop trying. They might have been hurt by feeling left out, which is understandable, but they are not handling it in an appropriate way, especially since you are trying to acknowledge their feelings and say you still value them as a friend. There is only so much you can do, which it sounds like you have done. From here, I would say just leave it alone. If they really are your friends, they will get over it and realize that it is more important to be happy for you than be petty over these little things. 

If they don't respond to the invites, I would say just tell the host to assume they are a no unless they hear otherwise.