Bridesmaid question

eilis1228

FI and I are still finalizing the wedding party, but we've already starting getting a few questions about who we want to be in it (mainly from family and close friends). The best man and maid of honor have already been chosen and asked, and we know for sure his brother and my sister will be in it as well. FI and my MOH also came up with the idea that my little brother should be a groomsman, which I think would be a really sweet gesture. Based on our current list, we have 5 and 5 on each side with a list of alternates should someone decline when we do ask. Last night, FI's brother and his brother's girlfriend stopped by to see our new place and have dinner with us. FI brother's and his girlfriend have been together for a loooong time. They started dating in high school, broke up for a year or two, and then got back together about two years ago. They live together, function as a team, and talk about marriage one day. She comes to all of the family functions, and she even said last night that we were all family. However, she's not technically FI's SIL, and she and FI's brother are not engaged. They're also in their early 20s, so they're both still young and figuring out their lives and careers. I told FI that if he had a sister or a SIL, that person would have definitely been included in my BM list. Now I'm wondering if I should ask FI's brother's girlfriend since they've been together forever, live together, and she's basically considered family. What are y'all's thoughts? 

For the record, she has not asked to be part of the wedding party. FI's brother asked last night who FI's best man was (awkward...), and then they started talking about the bachelor/bachelorette party. FI's brother's girlfriend asked if she was invited to my bachelorette, and we told her of course. A few sentences later on a different topic, she said, "we're family!" which made me think that I should perhaps consider asking her... 

I'm learning with this whole wedding planning thing that it's very easy to make me feel guilty lol. Obviously that wasn't her intent, but I feel guilty nonetheless.

ETA: You guys are definitely right. List of alternates is a bad idea, and we won't have one when we finalize the list of people we want to ask to be in the WP. Additionally, FBIL GF's does not need to be included in the WP but is obviously more than welcome at WR events. Thank you for being the voices of reason!

bethsmiles

Well first off, I really don't think you should have alternates planned out. It makes the people you asked first feel replaceable and the people you ask second feel like second choice (which they are). Sides do not need to be even, do NOT ask people so that sides are even.

As for your FBIL's GF, I probably wouldn't ask her. I do not think you should ask family or almost family just because they are family. Your bridesmaids should be the people closest to you whether they are family or not.

ETA: She can still be invited to showers, bachelorette party, or any pre-wedding event (like the rehearsal dinner) that her BF is invited to.

phira

Don't have alternates. The idea here is that you ask the people you want to ask, regardless of numbers,* and if people decline, then you have fewer people than planned. Having extra people to ask "if there's room" does two things: it tells the people you originally asked, "You are replaceable," and it tells the new people, "You are a place-holder who wasn't special enough to ask in the first place."

I know it doesn't FEEL like that, and you might be trying to avoid hurt feelings, but the best way to go is just to pick the people you want to ask, and don't worry if people say no or can't do it.

As for your future brother-in-law's girlfriend, you're not obligated to include her in the wedding party just because she will probably eventually be related to you. J has two brothers, both married; one of them I get along with, and the other one I don't. The one I get along with is not in the wedding party, not because I don't like her, but because my bridesmaids are my two best friends, and that's all I wanted.** Obviously, your FBIL's girlfriend can still be invited to pre-wedding parties, but there's no etiquette rule that says you have to put her in the wedding party.

And honestly, if there's a man who's important to you (like your brother!) or a woman who's important to your FI, you don't have to stick to gendered sides. If my brother were in the wedding party, he'd be on my side because he's ... my side, ya know? So, if your FI feels very strongly about including his likely future sister in law, then he can include her on his side. If neither of you feels strongly about it, then don't worry about it.

* When I say "regardless of numbers," I mean I knew I'd have been overwhelmed with like ... more than four bridesmaids, so when I thought about my wedding party, I knew I wanted to limit myself.

** Well, I asked my sister, too and she said no. Oh well.

eilis1228

@bethsmiles Fair point about the alternatives. They aren't necessarily meant to be replacements per se... more so people that we love and spend time with, but we want to keep the wedding party at a manageable number. But yes, it's definitely rude to have that. Actually, FI made a list on Google Docs right after we got married and shared it with me, the MOH, and the best man. The best man showed that list to one of the women listed as a potential BM... so already super awkward since it wasn't a final list, but FI had actually made a list of alternates, and that woman's husband was on that list... now he's super friendly and texting FI a lot and asking to do stuff with him. It's all so awkward. 

Fair point too about FBIL's GF. I do plan on her being at all the WR events. I guess I was just feeling like the "right thing to do" would be to ask her. We rarely seem them outside of family functions though, so I don't know her all that well. If we add people to the WP, it should probably be people that I'd already thought of asking but wasn't sure about due to overall size of the WP. 

Wedding politics are exhausting.

[Deleted User]

I think it works along the same lines as to who you want to invite to your wedding. Invite who you can't imagine having your wedding without. For the wedding party, ask people that you want standing closest to you during this enormous moment in your life. If she's family, but not really one of the most important people in your life, then it probably isn't necessary. But if you really are that close, and you truly feel like she is someone you feel closest to, then by all means ask her! Was she one of the first people you talked to when you got engaged, for example?

bethsmiles

My favorite advice for picking your wedding party is to ask yourself - if I need to hide a dead body at 2 am who am I going to call to help me? Ask the people on that list.

Peaseblossom55

My sister got married almost 2 years ago, she asked my brother's gf at the time to be in her wedding party, brother and his GF broke up mid way through her planning process.  Luckily she just didn't continue to be in the wedding party, once they broke up she stopped all communication with us and we just assumed she dropped out. I think she did it out of obligation too.

Please don't plan alternatives for your bridal party....

eilis1228

@phira I definitely see your point. You are totally right. FI and I have been looking at this all wrong and will need to really re-think our approach to the wedding party in general. We haven't thought too deeply about it yet since we still have so much time, so the preliminary list with alternates was just that--preliminary. We need to sit down and discuss it more and make a final list of people to ask without alternates. Gender doesn't really play a role in our choices either. Our friend N, who is female, is on the list for FI's side. FI just really liked the idea of asking my brother because they'll be brothers. We see my family once a month or so, so he and I my little brother have a rapport. 

@EisleyJoGo That's really well said! As for FBIL's GF... I don't really know her that well. We only talk at family functions, and we've only hung out with them a handful of times outside of family functions. I think I'm getting caught up in wedding politics and what I perceive to be the traditional and/or right thing to do. 

bethsmiles

eilis1228 said:

@phira I definitely see your point. You are totally right. FI and I have been looking at this all wrong and will need to really re-think our approach to the wedding party in general. We haven't thought too deeply about it yet since we still have so much time, so the preliminary list with alternates was just that--preliminary. We need to sit down and discuss it more and make a final list of people to ask without alternates. Gender doesn't really play a role in our choices either. Our friend N, who is female, is on the list for FI's side. FI just really liked the idea of asking my brother because they'll be brothers. We see my family once a month or so, so he and I my little brother have a rapport. 

@EisleyJoGo That's really well said! As for FBIL's GF... I don't really know her that well. We only talk at family functions, and we've only hung out with them a handful of times outside of family functions. I think I'm getting caught up in wedding politics and what I perceive to be the traditional and/or right thing to do. 

Just know you can't please everyone You will drive yourself crazy if you try to make everyone happy! Although it is an honor to be asked to be in the wedding party, it can also be a lot more fun for people just to attend as a guest (which is also an honor). 

eilis1228

@peaseblossom55 that's essentially why it never crossed my mind before now to even ask her. I just started feeling guilty when they were asking us about wedding party and wedding events, and then she kept saying, "We're all family." I'm sure she wasn't even fishing to be added to the WP, but I still felt guilty nonetheless. That seems to be a common occurrence so far in wedding planning... I need to get a thicker skin.

loves2shop4shoes

Pretty much, @bethsmiles FTW.  As per usual, lately.

eilis1228

@LivLeighton The list was an early brainstorming session, and FI sent it to the best man to get his opinion. We didn't think he would show it to other people. Words can't describe how upset I was when I found out about it, and the best man felt awful, but since FI didn't explicitly tell him it was private, confidential info, we only have ourselves to blame... once we finalize the list of who we want to ask, we won't have alternates. You guys have given great advice and helped me get my head out of the wedding planning tunnel vision I've acquired.

minskat30

Agree with PPs.  Don't worry about including someone or not because they are family, soon-to-be-family or maybe-to-be-family.  These should be the people you are closest to.  Honestly, even if she were your SIL, if you aren't close to her I wouldn't include her in your bridal party though she can of course be invited to the bachelorette if she is coming to the wedding as I assume she is.

You really can't please everyone, just follow general etiquette rules and you will be a lot better (and saner) off.

phira

For the record, wedding politics are ABSOLUTELY a thing and ABSOLUTELY exhausting. The most difficult part of planning this wedding, besides the whole, "Holy shit how can anyone afford this" part, has been managing politics.

[Deleted User]

Beth is wise.