If the Emily Post Institute says so ...

seeanddon

... then it's not tacky to have a honeymoon registry. http://www.thealternativebride.com/honeymoon-registry-etiquette/ http://abcnews.go.com/Travel/honeymoon-registries-tasteful-tacky/story?id=18764022

ohannabelle

Emily Post died in the early sixties. Her daughter Elizabeth stepped in and took over as etiquette advisor for years, and did it well. Sadly, that has changed. "The Post Institute" is being run by some grandson's wives and other relatives, most of whom have not a clue what they're doing, except cashing in on the family name.

The Post Institute is no longer considered to be a reputable source of good etiquette. 

I would refer you to Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners. 

Her take on the Honeyfund phenomena is that it's rude. You're still asking your guests to give you money, you're just specifying where it's spent.

A wedding is not a fundraiser or charity event. 

There is no nice way to ask for money. It's always tacky. 

banana468

seeanddon said:

... then it's not tacky to have a honeymoon registry.


http://www.thealternativebride.com/honeymoon-registry-etiquette/

http://abcnews.go.com/Travel/honeymoon-registries-tasteful-tacky/story?id=18764022

Sigh. Emily Post is rolling over in her grave at the sellouts that run her "institution". They're shelling or for the wedding industry and not for etiquette.

southernbelle0915

Emily Post is probably rolling in her grave about some of the things her family has said are ok/not ok since they took over after she died. 

Asking for money is tacky. Honeymoon registries are asking for money. Not only that, but honeyfund.com and the like charge a fee for giving a gift of money - anywhere between 3-10%. So I can write you a check for $100 and you get $100. Or I can contribute to your honeymoon fund for $100 and you end up getting $90... So on top of it being tacky, it's a terrible deal.

manateehugger

The Emily Post Institute is no longer Emily Post. 

And Miss Manners says they aren't ok. What now?

Jells2dot0

The ABC article is very misleading. They make it sound like when a couple registers for a massage or lunch, that the couple is actually getting those items. But, most of the time, they don't! They get a check, minus fees. The couple then cashes the check and uses the money on whatever they see fit. However, if the registry is set up directly with the couple's travel agent or the hotel, then most likely they are getting the EXACT items they purchased. 

MNVegas

Emily Post is dead. The Emily Post Institute does not reflect her etiquette advice. It is just out to make money like the honeymoon registry industry is out to make money. Bet the HM registry business gives EP Institute a kick back for its endorsement of registries. 

climbingsingle

Total bullshit. I agree that poor Emily Post is rolling over in her grave. 

CMGragain

Honeymoon registries are an invention of the travel industry.  They profit from this.  They do not care about etiquette.  Never take etiquette advice from someone who will profit from you if you follow it.
Emily Post's book on weddings, published 13 years ago, didn't even mention honeymoon registries.
The Etiquette guide book, published in 2004, simply states that they exist, without comment.  I don't think The Emily Post institute has ever actually recommended that anyone do this.

seeanddon

Well I respectfully disagree with Miss Manners (and apparently most of you). I don't need more "stuff". What's the difference between asking for stuff and asking for an experience?

I am a grown woman who has been living on my own for over 10 years. My fiance has owned his house for over seven years. We have everything we need and, to be honest, WE DON'T HAVE ROOM FOR MORE STUFF.

I don't want or need more "stuff". When what little I had on my C&B registry was complete, people kept insisting that I add more because cash money was too "impersonal". Instead of registering for things I don't need or want, my fiance and I created a honeymoon registry instead. And who says a guest has to purchase from the honeymoon registry anyway? If you don't like the idea then don't do it. No one says you have to. Plenty of people have given us gift cards to C&B, which we are grateful for.

And for the record, what is the difference between me paying a fee after they give me a gift and them paying tax on the "stuff" before they give me a gift?

Also, dare I say it, maybe Miss Manners needs to get with the times!!! Traditionally, the purpose of a wedding registry was to help a couple pick out their china and other items to put together a house and home... but traditionally most people also married very young went directly from their parents' homes to their own--hence the need for basic stuff.

Hate them all you want, but honeymoon registries are here to stay. Period.

CMGragain

You are not asking for experience.  You are asking for money.  That is the difference.

Your opinion on Honeymoon registries does not matter.  Like them if you must.  It is your GUEST'S opinion that matters.  Some of them will think you are being very tacky.

MNVegas

seeanddon said:

Well I respectfully disagree with Miss Manners (and apparently most of you). I don't need more "stuff". What's the difference between asking for stuff and asking for an experience?

I am a grown woman who has been living on my own for over 10 years. My fiance has owned his house for over seven years. We have everything we need and, to be honest, WE DON'T HAVE ROOM FOR MORE STUFF.

I don't want or need more "stuff". When what little I had on my C&B registry was complete, people kept insisting that I add more because cash money was too "impersonal". Instead of registering for things I don't need or want, my fiance and I created a honeymoon registry instead. And who says a guest has to purchase from the honeymoon registry anyway? If you don't like the idea then don't do it. No one says you have to. Plenty of people have given us gift cards to C&B, which we are grateful for.

And for the record, what is the difference between me paying a fee after they give me a gift and them paying tax on the "stuff" before they give me a gift?

Also, dare I say it, maybe Miss Manners needs to get with the times!!! Traditionally, the purpose of a wedding registry was to help a couple pick out their china and other items to put together a house and home... but traditionally most people also married very young went directly from their parents' homes to their own--hence the need for basic stuff.

Hate them all you want, but honeymoon registries are here to stay. Period.

Newsflash honey you are not getting an"experience" from the HM registry you are getting a check minus fees. So your guest are still giving you "impersonal" cash. You are just deceiving them into giving it to you.

If you don't need stuff than don't register for anything or just have a small registry of stuff you actually need.  

Also tradition is not the same as etiquette so wrong again. You are right HM registries are probably here to stay because rude people will do rude things like having a HM registry and treating their guests like ATMs.

banana468

Plenty of things are here to stay. That hardly makes their existence or their practice acceptable.

JoanE2012

seeanddon said:

Well I respectfully disagree with Miss Manners (and apparently most of you). I don't need more "stuff". What's the difference between asking for stuff and asking for an experience?

I am a grown woman who has been living on my own for over 10 years. My fiance has owned his house for over seven years. We have everything we need and, to be honest, WE DON'T HAVE ROOM FOR MORE STUFF.

I don't want or need more "stuff". When what little I had on my C&B registry was complete, people kept insisting that I add more because cash money was too "impersonal". Instead of registering for things I don't need or want, my fiance and I created a honeymoon registry instead. And who says a guest has to purchase from the honeymoon registry anyway? If you don't like the idea then don't do it. No one says you have to. Plenty of people have given us gift cards to C&B, which we are grateful for.

And for the record, what is the difference between me paying a fee after they give me a gift and them paying tax on the "stuff" before they give me a gift?

Also, dare I say it, maybe Miss Manners needs to get with the times!!! Traditionally, the purpose of a wedding registry was to help a couple pick out their china and other items to put together a house and home... but traditionally most people also married very young went directly from their parents' homes to their own--hence the need for basic stuff.

Hate them all you want, but honeymoon registries are here to stay. Period.

That's wonderful.  I was living on my own for longer than you (as was DH) and I still managed to have a decent sized registry of upgrades and splurges.  If you cannot do that, they don't register.  Decline all showers.  People will then either a) give cash or b) buy something of their own choosing.  A honeymoon registry is a cop out and rude.

beethery

This is so dumb. If you don't need anything, don't register. Those who want to give you a gift will probably give cash. Which is fabulous, because then some stranger who runs a honeyfund site won't get to skim your cash gifts for his or her own profit.

Use your head.

Simply Fated

seeanddon said:

Well I respectfully disagree with Miss Manners (and apparently most of you). I don't need more "stuff". What's the difference between asking for stuff and asking for an experience?

I am a grown woman who has been living on my own for over 10 years. My fiance has owned his house for over seven years. We have everything we need and, to be honest, WE DON'T HAVE ROOM FOR MORE STUFF.

I don't want or need more "stuff". When what little I had on my C&B registry was complete, people kept insisting that I add more because cash money was too "impersonal". Instead of registering for things I don't need or want, my fiance and I created a honeymoon registry instead. And who says a guest has to purchase from the honeymoon registry anyway? If you don't like the idea then don't do it. No one says you have to. Plenty of people have given us gift cards to C&B, which we are grateful for.

And for the record, what is the difference between me paying a fee after they give me a gift and them paying tax on the "stuff" before they give me a gift?

Also, dare I say it, maybe Miss Manners needs to get with the times!!! Traditionally, the purpose of a wedding registry was to help a couple pick out their china and other items to put together a house and home... but traditionally most people also married very young went directly from their parents' homes to their own--hence the need for basic stuff.

Hate them all you want, but honeymoon registries are here to stay. Period.

If you don't need stuff, don't register for stuff. If guests ask you to register for stuff, and you register for a Honeymoon fund, then that's still not stuff. That's cash, which is what they already told you they don't want to give you because it's too "impersonal."


As for the bolded... you're basically being taxed twice. So, someone gives you a cash gift and either you or them pays the fee. Then, when you go to use the money to pay for the experience, you have to pay tax for the experience. It's like double dipping.
To break it down further... Let's say, to make the math easy, the fee is $5, okay? If a guest wants to give you a $100 cash gift, and it's set up so they have to pay the fee, they are actually charged $105. And when you go to use the gift on, say, a nice dinner at the hotel resort, you have to pay tax. .
If you have it set up so that you pay the fee, then if they give you $100, you actually only receive $95. Then, when you go out to dinner, you're taxed again.

Viczaesar

Murder, theft, and rape are also here to stay.  That totes makes them okay, right?

Liatris2010

Gift registries are for the guests. A guest wants to buy a kitchen item or place setting, but doesn't know which pattern you prefer, so they look at the registry to find out. Cash is one size fits all and guests know you'll like it, so you don't need to tell them with a registry. A cash registry send the message that you are worried about not getting enough money for your guests. Not a message worth sending.

ohannabelle

I find it funny that in the original post, an etiquette "expert" is submitted as "proof" that Honeyfunds are a swell idea. Even though the poster knew nothing about that expert.

When another etiquette expert has a different opinion (and this one actually alive and respected) that, somehow is not "proof," and that expert needs to "get with the times."

With all respect to the OP, I doubt that she's ever read one of Judith Matin's books or newspaper columns, and has zero basis for suggesting that Ms. Martin is unaware of current trends, or offers outdated advice.  It's simply BS.

Edit to correct spelling. Needs, not heeds. Ms. Martin need not "heed" anyone, except her own excellent common sense and manners.

seeanddon

Geez, you ladies are awful, and incredibly busy on these WEDDING boards considering you've all been married for years. I'm curious as to why the only individuals who have responded to me have over a thousand posts.

Can I hear from a newbie? 

Jells2dot0

There are lots of newbs that post on here. But, what good is a wedding advice forum without people who can give advice based on experience? While it's true that the responders are mostly wives at this point, if all of the wives all give the same advice, then there must be something to that advice, huh?

seeanddon

Nah. The only thing I've learned from this post is that the advice of you "wives" is worthless. 

/over and out.

beethery

seeanddon said:

Geez, you ladies are awful, and incredibly busy on these WEDDING boards considering you've all been married for years. I'm curious as to why the only individuals who have responded to me have over a thousand posts.

Can I hear from a newbie? 

I'm not married yet, and I think having a cash registry is rude and DUMB as hell.

If you're looking for validation from someone who doesn't know better, maybe you ought to try another forum. Good luck to ya on your tacky ass adventures!

Aray82

seeanddon said:

Geez, you ladies are awful, and incredibly busy on these WEDDING boards considering you've all been married for years. I'm curious as to why the only individuals who have responded to me have over a thousand posts.

Can I hear from a newbie? 

Sure! I'm fairly new compared to many of the regular posters and I'd always gotten a weird, icky feeling from honeymoon registries as well as the website posts of "We have everything we need, but what we'd really love is some cash to make our honeymoon to Scotland extra special!" (Um, you're already going to friggin Scotland. How exactly is that not 'really special' enough?) This was even before I'd read the fine print and even knew about the fees and the fact that they're really just getting cash. When I browsed these boards, many, many other posters shared my feelings and hit the nail on the head as to why I was so off-put by these types of registries...even though I love giving gifts to friends and family for all special occasions and I'd like to give them things they really want. People tend to surprise you with their generosity, especially when you don't ask for it. Also, if you're worried about getting random things that you don't really want or need unless you have a registry of sorts, I can tell you that even with our two large traditional registries in a variety of price ranges, we've already received one off-registry gift, a set of beautiful wall-hangings that we'd never have thought we would want, or that we could ever register for. Ok, let's see if TK eats my paragraphs again...ETA: Guess TK doesn't want me to have paragraphs after all.

Aray82

Liatris2010 said:

Gift registries are for the guests. A guest wants to buy a kitchen item or place setting, but doesn't know which pattern you prefer, so they look at the registry to find out. Cash is one size fits all and guests know you'll like it, so you don't need to tell them with a registry. A cash registry send the message that you are worried about not getting enough money for your guests. Not a message worth sending.

Yes! This is exactly the message it sends! People tell me all the time, "well, why not ask for cash since people tend to give cash for weddings anyway?" As a guest, it makes me feel like I'm being reminded to be generous. I might have to print this Liatris2010's response out on little cards to give folks who keep insisting that a honey fund would be a great idea for us...

Simply Fated

seeanddon said:

Nah. The only thing I've learned from this post is that the advice of you "wives" is worthless. 

/over and out.

First of all, I'm not married.

Second of all, why is "wives" in quotation marks? Are you unsure of the purpose of quotation marks? Who are you quoting, exactly?

Third of all, why do you hold the Emily Post Institute in higher regards than Miss Manners? Is it because they agree with your view? Do you usually only surround yourself with other people who only ever agree with you so you never have to hear from a differing opinion?

banana468

seeanddon said:

Geez, you ladies are awful, and incredibly busy on these WEDDING boards considering you've all been married for years. I'm curious as to why the only individuals who have responded to me have over a thousand posts.

Can I hear from a newbie? 

Yes. This makes complete sense. Do any engaged people, (even better if you haven't changed a diaper) want to let me know what I can expect when baby #2 gets here?

For those of you with vaginas and no child rearing experience, how can I male sure I'm not harming Chiquito ' s teenie weenie?

mrsmagicgeek

That's the

seeanddon said:

Geez, you ladies are awful, and incredibly busy on these WEDDING boards considering you've all been married for years. I'm curious as to why the only individuals who have responded to me have over a thousand posts.

Can I hear from a newbie? 

Sure, I'll play. I'm a newbie, more or less. I've been around only two months or so. Still, long enough to know that the Emily Post Institute has zero to do with Emily Post herself. Their "advice" is often in direct conflict with more widely accepted etiquette sources, and most often seem to be more in line with what the wedding industry would like brides to believe.

Registering for money is rude. Using any sort of middle man corporation that takes a cut of your gifts is monumentally stupid.

chibiyui

Of course honeymoon registries are here to stay. People made not great decisions based on marketing and manipulation. I sell mattresses, the second worst brand I sell has the words "Back Supporter" embroidered on it's foot protector. Everyday customers are like, "Oh, this must be good, it says Back Supporter!" And then I have the fun position of telling them it sucks without actually saying it sucks. Because people are gullible.  You say you have too much stuff and don't need anything, thus why shouldn't you "register" with honeyfund? Your guests have said they don't like to give cash and honeyfund gives you EXPERIENCES. Except, your guests are still giving you cash cause those honeymoon sites cut a fee and you a check, and you inadvertently tell your guests that their opinions are worthless. And you don't actually get experiences, you get cash. 

Just don't register for anything else. If your guests ask you can tell them "I have limited space and am not in need of anything, but I am saving up for my honeymoon." If they're against giving you cash, they're not going to give to honey fund, or they will and then be sad if you don't actually do what the activity says. They might give you gifts that go along with your honeymoon, like gift cards to restaurants in the area, or if it is already booked, they could call the resort/hotel up and schedule something for you.

Some of my favorite presents from my wedding (just a little over two months ago) were off registry items. One of my Aunts made a quilt for me. Another Aunt gifted us a beautiful vase (I like vintage glass) Many guests gave money at the wedding even though we had a registry. 

Also, when I first started posting on here, I got my ass handed to me. However, instead of running back to OB and other places, I lurked and got a feel for the boards. If bluntness offends you, this is probably not the place for you. If you can handle directness though, there is a lot of wisdom to found on these boards.

Jen4948

seeanddon said:

Geez, you ladies are awful, and incredibly busy on these WEDDING boards considering you've all been married for years. I'm curious as to why the only individuals who have responded to me have over a thousand posts.

Can I hear from a newbie? 

I've never been married, so I don't appreciate your snarky generalization.

southernbelle0915

seeanddon said:

Geez, you ladies are awful, and incredibly busy on these WEDDING boards considering you've all been married for years. I'm curious as to why the only individuals who have responded to me have over a thousand posts.

Can I hear from a newbie? 

I think you just want to hear from someone who agrees with you - it wouldn't matter if they were married, single, divorced, old, young, reg, newbie... It seems you only want to listen if people agree with you.

Try looking at it this way: Say you're going to buy a car and you want the new Escape. Would you rather take advice from someone who had already gone through the car buying process to benefit from their lessons learned or someone who had never purchased a car? Since you're buying the Escape, do you want advice from someone who owns an Escape? Or someone who has never owned a car? 

seeanddon said:

Nah. The only thing I've learned from this post is that the advice of you "wives" is worthless. 

/over and out.

Are you mature enough to get married? If you are female and planning to get married, you'll be a wife at some point. By your logic, once you are your advice will cease to have any importance whatsoever. Better start giving it all now, while you know still everything....