Moms and Maids

Mother asking about wedding gifts

I am curious how many of you out there have experienced this... Brides & MOBs, what are your thoughts.... My husband and I got married 2 weeks ago... And just the other night my mother asked me a question that I was dreading... She asked me to send her a list of gifts we got for the wedding, basically a list of who gave us what! Personally I think it is in poor taste of her to ask for that info, asking how much money we got, is one thing, but the details.... Now, I knew she was going to ask because she has made comments about gifts a handful of people gave my brother for his wedding two years ago and for weeks after my shower she was asking me what this person gave and what that person gave, etc. In general, when we discuss anything financial she is insistent that I DO NOT tell anyone about the discussion, even close family. She has said that her request is not uncommon and that in fact "What I asked you about the other night is no more than what any other mother has gotten from her child's wedding. I know this from several others, but do what you want." She then went on to say that it wasn't the total amount, but the individual amounts from each guest on her side (which IMO is worse). This really rubs me the wrong way. My husband is very adamant about not giving her the list. For the brides out there - have you been asked for gift information? If so, how have you handled it? For the MOB's or MOG's out there - have you or would you ever ask this?

Re: Mother asking about wedding gifts

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I've never been in this situation on either end, but if I were you, I'd ask her why she wants to know, and unless she has a really good reason (not curiosity or because she thinks she needs to reciprocate in her own gift-giving, which she doesn't), I'd say to her, "Mom, just as you don't like it when we discuss finances with anyone else, they don't like it going the other way. It's a very personal question that I'm not comfortable being asked."
    Jamiea291
  • @Jen4948 I did ask her, she said my brother gave her a list and that her friends ask for a list... Which leads me to believe there isn't a legitimate reason. When I question her, she gets defensive and hangs up on me.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    rsalomon said:
    @Jen4948 I did ask her, she said my brother gave her a list and that her friends ask for a list... Which leads me to believe there isn't a legitimate reason. When I question her, she gets defensive and hangs up on me.
    The next time she asks, I'd tell her, "Mom, even though Bro gave you a list, it's a private matter. Please tell your friends that, and going forward, please don't ask this anymore."  If you've discussed this with your husband and he's not okay with your giving this information to your mother, you can also add, "H and I have discussed your request for a list of our gifts, and we decided between us that we don't want to give this information out because it's private."
    OliveOilsMomohannabelle
  • My mom was there when we opened the gifts.  I wouldn't be surprised if she kept a running tally in her head of the cash gifts. Not because she wanted to know but because she's an accountant and automatically adds numbers.

    MIL did ask me how much her sister gave us.  She asked because her nephew was getting married and she wanted her gift to be comparable.  I told her I got rid of the list once I was done with the thank you notes and just gave her a ball park.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    lc07[Deleted User]
  • Ditto Jen.  I am a 4 time MOB and this is one of the last questions in the world I would have ever asked any of my girls!  It is none of her business, and your DH doesn't want the info shared (which I wholeheartedly agree with).  Don't do it.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited August 2014

    I didn't ask my daughter about her wedding gifts. It's none of my business.Daughter and her husband opened their wedding gifts privately.

    In the old days, when I was married, my parents paid for our wedding and mom insisted she had a right to know who gave what amount of $$. She said she had been generous to all the cousins and she wanted to be sure that they had reciprocated. And she wanted to make sure to respond, in kind, for future weddings. She also believes in the 'cover your plate' rule and wanted to know if we made a profit over what she and dad spent on the wedding. There was no way was I going to give her that information. I gave her a total amount that was more than we actually received just to make sure she felt the wedding was worth it. I should have told her it was private information, but I was young and chicken back then.

    Your mom doesn't have a right to a run down of your wedding gifts, even if she paid for the wedding.

                       
  • I'm pretty close to my mom. Actually, just really close. We share a lot. I'll probably end up telling her about all the gifts I potentially receive with or without her asking. If she asks, I won't mind telling. In fact, I think it will be a fun conversation. Presents are fun to talk about with your mom! (of course, I know that my mom is not the type to blab this information to anyone besides my father. And maybe my grandmother? But probably not.) 
  • My husband and I are in agreement about not telling my mother the gift list... Besides, I'd imagine that relatives/friends who also attended my brother's wedding would have given us each the same... Don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly, but these questions really get under my skin. Thank you for all of your input.
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Not the mom's business. I was around when they opened a few of the gifts, so I saw those, but I would never ask about others that weren't shared with me. Can you just tell her you don't remember? That's the answer I usually give and sometimes get when the subject is closed.
  • No, the only ones who need to know who gave what are you and your husband, for when you do thank you notes. Usually you will mention, "thank you for the chafing dish, it will be very useful for all the banquets I will be having"

    Money amounts shouldn't be mentioned specifically on the notes, just that it will be extremely helpful for  your future.

  • I'm a mother of the bride, and this rubs me the wrong way. 
    Aside from a happy and polite "did you get nice things?" question, it's absolutely nobody else's business. 
    There is no reason on earth any mother needs to know anything more than what can be shared in polite conversation. 
    Lists of checks received, gift cards, and purchases should absolutely not be shared with anyone other than the two people who received them. Anything more is crass.
    MairePoppyOliveOilsMomKeptInStitcheslovemyrunner
  • Yes no. None of her business and really rude of her to ask. A few weeks after our wedding my mom asked me what so and so gave because they were going to his kid's wedding and wanted to reciprocate evenly. I was like "oh, sorry mom I don't remember." You could also say you're done with all the TYs and not sure where the list is.
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    MairePoppy
  • I also will probably share with my mom, just not information about cash/checks. She will probably come over and ask if I got anything really cool or what my favorite is, and I will tell her. I probably won't tell her who gave them though. Best to leave it anonymous. Cash or checks however will not be among those discussed. Its just not right.
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2014
    I'm not going to come out and say "mom! Aunt X gave me $200!", but I will probably say "Uncle Y gave me this awesome pan that I wanted, and Aunt X gave me a generous check." However, I talk about my finances with my parents. I may end up telling them how much I got in a conversation about paying rent or paying a student loan. "I'm using Aunt X's gift to cover the rest of my interest payment this month." I don't KNOW if that will happen, but it's possible. And I don't see that as a betrayal of any gift givers. I expect anyone that I give a gift to to potentially share that information with someone they are close to. I gave it to them, it's theirs to do with and talk about as they please. What I find rude, is saying to your mother  or anyone else "so and so only gave me this much!"

    ETA: yeah, actually, the more I think about this, I realize that I already do this. I will get a card in the mail from a relative for my birthday. They often mail them to my parents to give to me. I will open the card, read it, and say "how nice. They gave me $25" right in front of my parents. Maybe you guys find that rude. Sorrynotsorry? 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    lilacck28 said:
    I'm not going to come out and say "mom! Aunt X gave me $200!", but I will probably say "Uncle Y gave me this awesome pan that I wanted, and Aunt X gave me a generous check." However, I talk about my finances with my parents. I may end up telling them how much I got in a conversation about paying rent or paying a student loan. "I'm using Aunt X's gift to cover the rest of my interest payment this month." I don't KNOW if that will happen, but it's possible. And I don't see that as a betrayal of any gift givers. I expect anyone that I give a gift to to potentially share that information with someone they are close to. I gave it to them, it's theirs to do with and talk about as they please. What I find rude, is saying to your mother  or anyone else "so and so only gave me this much!"

    ETA: yeah, actually, the more I think about this, I realize that I already do this. I will get a card in the mail from a relative for my birthday. They often mail them to my parents to give to me. I will open the card, read it, and say "how nice. They gave me $25" right in front of my parents. Maybe you guys find that rude. Sorrynotsorry? 
    I don't think there's a problem that you choose to voluntarily share the information.  But the OP's mother thinks she's entitled to it and seems to be pressuring the OP for it when it's the OP's and her husband's private information and they don't feel like sharing it.
  • lilacck28 said:

    I'm not going to come out and say "mom! Aunt X gave me $200!", but I will probably say "Uncle Y gave me this awesome pan that I wanted, and Aunt X gave me a generous check." However, I talk about my finances with my parents. I may end up telling them how much I got in a conversation about paying rent or paying a student loan. "I'm using Aunt X's gift to cover the rest of my interest payment this month." I don't KNOW if that will happen, but it's possible. And I don't see that as a betrayal of any gift givers. I expect anyone that I give a gift to to potentially share that information with someone they are close to. I gave it to them, it's theirs to do with and talk about as they please. What I find rude, is saying to your mother  or anyone else "so and so only gave me this much!"


    ETA: yeah, actually, the more I think about this, I realize that I already do this. I will get a card in the mail from a relative for my birthday. They often mail them to my parents to give to me. I will open the card, read it, and say "how nice. They gave me $25" right in front of my parents. Maybe you guys find that rude. Sorrynotsorry? 
    Be careful with this. Once you're married your finances become a joint venture. I get that this isn't a big deal to you at the moment but your FI may have big issues with you divulging your personal finances to your parents.

    I'd sit and talk with him to make sure you two are on the same page so that doesn't turn into a big deal.
    kmmssgsouthernbelle0915OliveOilsMom
  • banana468 said:
    I'm not going to come out and say "mom! Aunt X gave me $200!", but I will probably say "Uncle Y gave me this awesome pan that I wanted, and Aunt X gave me a generous check." However, I talk about my finances with my parents. I may end up telling them how much I got in a conversation about paying rent or paying a student loan. "I'm using Aunt X's gift to cover the rest of my interest payment this month." I don't KNOW if that will happen, but it's possible. And I don't see that as a betrayal of any gift givers. I expect anyone that I give a gift to to potentially share that information with someone they are close to. I gave it to them, it's theirs to do with and talk about as they please. What I find rude, is saying to your mother  or anyone else "so and so only gave me this much!"

    ETA: yeah, actually, the more I think about this, I realize that I already do this. I will get a card in the mail from a relative for my birthday. They often mail them to my parents to give to me. I will open the card, read it, and say "how nice. They gave me $25" right in front of my parents. Maybe you guys find that rude. Sorrynotsorry? 
    Be careful with this. Once you're married your finances become a joint venture. I get that this isn't a big deal to you at the moment but your FI may have big issues with you divulging your personal finances to your parents. I'd sit and talk with him to make sure you two are on the same page so that doesn't turn into a big deal.
    Don't worry-- we're on the same page :) (I just checked with him to be sure). If either of us change our opinion in the future, we'll be sure to let the other know. 
  • I'm dealing with this right now too, except with my MIL.  Granted, she only wants a list of what HER side of the family gave her "so she can use it to makes sure she gives appropriate amounts at future weddings".  To me, it feel like a gross overstepping of personal information even if it is her family.  My DH sees no problem with it.  I don't understand how someone can be ballsy enough to demand this personal and private information.  She doesn't need a tally of my money, and what's in my home.  OP Im' sorry you're dealing with this too. 
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