Getting Pushback About SOs at Head Table

steph861

So I met with my venue today (that in itself is a whole other post...) and my mom and sister came along.

When we got to talking about the size of the head table, I said I wanted SOs to sit with their partners at the head table. I immediately got pushback from my mom. "But it's against etiquette!" I stood my ground, and we moved on.

As we were heading back to the car, she said she had some concerns about SOs at the head table. Now, the only member of the bridal party with an SO is my sister. She's 19 and been with her BF for about two years.

My mom started complaining that having SOs at the head table would ruin the pictures. Ugh. I said it didn't bother me. This guy doesn't know anybody at the wedding other than my sister and parents. There is no way I'm seating him at a table with complete strangers for the sake of pictures.

Then I asked my sister what she thought. She said she didn't really care where he sat and she didn't want him in pictures. She foresees the relationship ending in the next few months (possibly before the wedding). I think she just dislikes confrontation and doesn't want to be the one to end it. That's why she doesn't want him in the pictures. Also, he is quite shy and doesn't like having his picture taken anyway.


What exactly do I do when my sister doesn't want her own BF at the head table? It sounds like he'll be miserable either way. Of course, if they break up, this question is moot.

ETA: ugh, I meant to post this in etiquette.

holyguacamole79

steph11814 said:

So I met with my venue today (that in itself is a whole other post...) and my mom and sister came along.

When we got to talking about the size of the head table, I said I wanted SOs to sit with their partners at the head table. I immediately got pushback from my mom. "But it's against etiquette!" I stood my ground, and we moved on.

As we were heading back to the car, she said she had some concerns about SOs at the head table. Now, the only member of the bridal party with an SO is my sister. She's 19 and been with her BF for about two years.

My mom started complaining that having SOs at the head table would ruin the pictures. Ugh. I said it didn't bother me. This guy doesn't know anybody at the wedding other than my sister and parents. There is no way I'm seating him at a table with complete strangers for the sake of pictures.

Then I asked my sister what she thought. She said she didn't really care where he sat and she didn't want him in pictures. She foresees the relationship ending in the next few months (possibly before the wedding). I think she just dislikes confrontation and doesn't want to be the one to end it. That's why she doesn't want him in the pictures. Also, he is quite shy and doesn't like having his picture taken anyway.


What exactly do I do when my sister doesn't want her own BF at the head table? It sounds like he'll be miserable either way. Of course, if they break up, this question is moot.

ETA: ugh, I meant to post this in etiquette.

It sounds like they are going to break up anyways, so I agree that it's a moot point. Good for you for standing your ground, though! And if they don't break up, still put the bf at the head table.

mysticl

I wouldn't worry about pictures. Just don't have the photographer take any of the whole table. If you think about it that's probably not a shot that will make it into the album (if you get one) anyhow.

LDay2014

steph11814 said:

So I met with my venue today (that in itself is a whole other post...) and my mom and sister came along. When we got to talking about the size of the head table, I said I wanted SOs to sit with their partners at the head table. I immediately got pushback from my mom. "But it's against etiquette!" I stood my ground, and we moved on. As we were heading back to the car, she said she had some concerns about SOs at the head table. Now, the only member of the bridal party with an SO is my sister. She's 19 and been with her BF for about two years. My mom started complaining that having SOs at the head table would ruin the pictures. Ugh. I said it didn't bother me. This guy doesn't know anybody at the wedding other than my sister and parents. There is no way I'm seating him at a table with complete strangers for the sake of pictures. Then I asked my sister what she thought. She said she didn't really care where he sat and she didn't want him in pictures. She foresees the relationship ending in the next few months (possibly before the wedding). I think she just dislikes confrontation and doesn't want to be the one to end it. That's why she doesn't want him in the pictures. Also, he is quite shy and doesn't like having his picture taken anyway. What exactly do I do when my sister doesn't want her own BF at the head table? It sounds like he'll be miserable either way. Of course, if they break up, this question is moot. ETA: ugh, I meant to post this in etiquette.

I think that since the whole point about SO's at the head table is so that everyone is with their loved ones, I'd leave this up to your sister.  It's her comfort that you're thinking of.  Leave it open to her to decide when the time comes.  If she wants him at the table, she'll let you know, if she doesn't (and he's still around) ask her who he would be best with.  Maybe same age cousins if you have them?

But I think this is one of those things where it's sort of up to her where her date sits

sarahufl

Sounds like your sister needs to put on her big girl panties and break up with the guy.

OnceUponAVine

Definitely sounds like your sister needs to take a deep breath, gather her

Sugargirl1019

Maybe just not invite him in the first place if she doesn't care about him enough to want him there with her.

ShesSoCold

Are you giving plus ones to the other bridal party members? If so, I would still seat dates at the head table. Don't make the other people uncomfortable because your sister won't end her relationship. If not and she would be the only person with a date at the head table, then I personally would go with what she wants and seat the boyfriend with your parents since he knows them. Oh, yeah, and encourage her to break up with this guy.

steph861

ShesSoCold said:

Are you giving plus ones to the other bridal party members? If so, I would still seat dates at the head table. Don't make the other people uncomfortable because your sister won't end her relationship. If not and she would be the only person with a date at the head table, then I personally would go with what she wants and seat the boyfriend with your parents since he knows them.

Oh, yeah, and encourage her to break up with this guy.

No, we're not giving them plus ones, but if they start dating someone between now and the wedding they know that they're welcome to bring them. If they do bring people, I will absolutely seat them at the head table.

lyndausvi

I'm sorry, but I doubt out of all the pictures your photographer is going to be taking, the HT shot is not going to be the one hanging up front and center.  So I feel like that argument is silly.

Stand your ground and do what you want. If your sister doesn't care and there truly are no other SO's then sit him with your parents.

steph861

lyndausvi said:

I'm sorry, but I doubt out of all the pictures your photographer is going to be taking, the HT shot is not going to be the one hanging up front and center.  So I feel like that argument is silly.

Stand your ground and do what you want. If your sister doesn't care and there truly are no other SO's then sit him with your parents.

Completely agree. I honestly don't even care about head table photos and who is or isn't in them.

ETA: Oh, and my mom's backup argument was that my dad didn't get to sit with her at the HT when she was a BM and he survived so it's totes okay.

lyndausvi

We didn't have a HT.  Only one in the family.  They all got over it and stockily enjoyed not having one.    

Some people can caught up on what has "always" been done they can't see the forest for all the trees.  Then once they actually experience this "different way" of doing things the come to embrace it.

mysticl

lyndausvi said:

We didn't have a HT.  Only one in the family.  They all got over it and stockily enjoyed not having one.    

Some people can caught up on what has "always" been done they can't see the forest for all the trees.  Then once they actually experience this "different way" of doing things the come to embrace it.

We didn't have the traditional head table.  The entire wedding party, with S/Os, was able to fit at an eight person rounder with DH and I.  Our contact person for the venue highlighted no head table on our paperwork so that the set up staff didn't automatically set one up since that's what they were used to.