Can I Have a Hug? Or a Margarita Machine?

lc07

I want to start by saying I am seeing a Psychiatrist as well as a Counselor. I feel bad talking about this here because as much as I know we aren't all blowing rainbows and kitty cats out our asses, it's a wedding site. But I'm struggling really hard with losing my H. And I don't know how to deal with this.

I'm not really comfortable talking with my IRL friends and family about it. 

I'm a total science experiment with my psychiatrist. It's not her fault, but no one knows what meds will or will not do what to my body. (If that made no sense, that was on purpose. None of it makes sense.)

I like my counselor a lot, and it's a collaborative process but it's mostly me when we talk.

I've been trying really hard to help myself. REALLY HARD. And I've progressed but how I feel keeps evolving into a new thing to deal with mentally and emotionally. Anyway, at the moment, at least, I think I'm mainly just having a big fucking pity party and I'm rambly. It would be more fun if you guys were all here and we had the margarita machine. 

afox007

You get all the hugs!!! And if you are near CA I will take you to my mom's she just bought a margarita machine for her 4th of July BBQ.

On a more serious note what do they have you on? I'm my own little science experiment/pharmacy. If you ever need anything let me know hun.

Viczaesar

I'm sorry.  *Hugs*, and I'll bring the blood orange margaritas

steph861

You're not having a pity party, you're healing. And we're all here to help you do that in any way we can.

scrunchythief

lI'm so sorry you're going through this.  It sounds like you're being super proactive in caring for yourself, which is so awesome.  Don't overwork yourself and remember to rest when you need to.  I don't know if you've tried this, but I always leave time to veg and relax after going to counseling to recover from the emotional work.  

Also, just in the very off chance you haven't heard this, but be quite careful mixing alcohol and psych meds.  I've learned that one the hard way.

Maybe you have an IRL friend or family member you could just ask for a hug who would be ok with not talking much about what's going on?  I've done this before and it helps me know I have people I can go to, even if I don't want to talk about what's wrong.  

Till then, I hope kitten hugs help.  *hugs*

lc07

I keep staring at the kitten hug. That is so darned adorable!

Thank you guys. 

Scrunchy, yes my psych is aware of what and how much I am drinking. And that's a great idea to take the second half of the day off after counseling. It's such hard work mentally that it physically drains me.

Vic, that drink looks amazing. I fully approve that being brought to the pity party.

Afox, I just so happen to live in CA Right now I'm just on 60 mg of Prozac. I have Xanax for emergency anxiety. Relating to this, I've been on Paxil, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Xanax, Klonopin and Ativan (not all at the same time) and was able to rule out Zoloft, Serzone, Ambien and Provigil from past experience of it doing jack squat.

Thanks for being here guys. I'm off to a monastery today. Part of what I'm working on in therapy is mindfulness instead of binge eating/drinking/being a nut job in general. There's a buddhist monastery nearby that allows the public to come on certain days and practice mindfulness with their guidance. I've never been before. I'm pretty excited about it. Adding Geno to my positive meditation today, Vic. *hugs and margaritas back at you*

Jells2dot0

A margarita does sound damn good, even at this early am time. I have been there with the pity parties during my divorce. I didn't really want to talk to anyone IRL about it because noone in IRL other than my parents or my friends' parents had been through it. I didn't think they could connect with what I was feeling. So, I did the counseling thing and the psychiatrist thing. I was on all sorts of meds, too. 

It really took me finding myself, on my own time, at my own place. Sounds cliche, right? I took a job in a different state and lived on my own. I was with my now DH at the time and just flew back and forth for the weekends. But, being somewhere new on my own, learning a new job, meeting new people, taking time for myself to hike and job, really did it for me. I grew as a person. 

scrunchythief

That meditation sounds awesome.  If you haven't left yet, maybe you could ask to record what they're saying so you could practice it later?

I also wanted to say thank you.  I've been in a rut in terms of effort with my counseling, and hearing about how hard you're working has really inspired me to get back to work on my own problems.  Thank you!

Cookie Pusher

missdelilah

@lc07 I'm so sorry that you're suffering. Giant hugs from me, the dog, and the two kitties. I hope you find some peace soon. The Buddhist retreat sounds like a great idea. I have a friend who went to one for a whole week that practiced a vow of silence kind of thing for most of the day. She said it really helped. PPs have some great ideas. Unfortunately my general response to emotional pain is to completely over medicate (have a huge stack of clonazepam on hand, but used alcohol in the past). Again, big hugs, and lots of love. xx

holyguacamole79

Hang in there, lc. I changed anti depressants a few times last year, too. It's not fun. Do you have family members who also need meds? I found that the same meds helped both me and my sister. It might have been because our biology is so similar. Remember that you are your own strongest advocate.

wandajune6

I wish I had something more helpful to add but sending lots of internet hugs and warm thoughts your way.

Blergbot

I'm so sorry you're struggling! If you ever need to talk about meds, I've been on them all! I'm adjusting mine right now, too, so I feel you. Big hugs your way!

Viczaesar

lc07 said:

I keep staring at the kitten hug. That is so darned adorable!

Thank you guys. 

Scrunchy, yes my psych is aware of what and how much I am drinking. And that's a great idea to take the second half of the day off after counseling. It's such hard work mentally that it physically drains me.

Vic, that drink looks amazing. I fully approve that being brought to the pity party.

Afox, I just so happen to live in CA Right now I'm just on 60 mg of Prozac. I have Xanax for emergency anxiety. Relating to this, I've been on Paxil, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Xanax, Klonopin and Ativan (not all at the same time) and was able to rule out Zoloft, Serzone, Ambien and Provigil from past experience of it doing jack squat.

Thanks for being here guys. I'm off to a monastery today. Part of what I'm working on in therapy is mindfulness instead of binge eating/drinking/being a nut job in general. There's a buddhist monastery nearby that allows the public to come on certain days and practice mindfulness with their guidance. I've never been before. I'm pretty excited about it. Adding Geno to my positive meditation today, Vic. *hugs and margaritas back at you*

California margarita party!  I'm here as well.  And thank you. 

CMGragain

Hugs.
I have depression issues.  I inherited them from my father, and I have had them all my life.
There was no Prozac when I was a young woman.  I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist when I was 16.  There was nothing available that could help me.
After trying useless medications, some so strong I couldn't function, I gave up and tried therapy and prayer.  You cannot pray away a medical illness.
When my son was diagnosed with  sever ADD, we took him to a psychiatrist/psychologist team for treatment.  I thought, why not tell them?
Prozac was a miracle.  Until then, I had no idea how other people thought.  After 13 years, I had to change to another related medication, and now I do well on Cymbalta.  My son showed the signs of the inherited depression when he turned 13.  I am the best mother for him, because I saw it immediately, and I knew what to do.  He is doing well.  My daughter did not inherit this, thank God.

Hang in there.  You are not alone.  It may be that the next medication will be the right one for you.  Psychiatry has come incredibly far in the last 50 years.  Prayer won't cure you, but it gives you strength and the ability to help you focus.  I still pray many times daily. 

NYCMercedes

You have my permission to have as many pity parties as you want. Wallow. I hope you feel better soon. Champagne anyone?

steph861

Blergbot said:

I'm so sorry you're struggling! If you ever need to talk about meds, I've been on them all! I'm adjusting mine right now, too, so I feel you. Big hugs your way!

Same here. Been on antidepressants since I was 13.

lc07

scrunchythief said:

That meditation sounds awesome.  If you haven't left yet, maybe you could ask to record what they're saying so you could practice it later?

I also wanted to say thank you.  I've been in a rut in terms of effort with my counseling, and hearing about how hard you're working has really inspired me to get back to work on my own problems.  Thank you!

Yay! I'm so glad. That makes the pity party that much more productive.

They do create pod casts and I think I'm going to search around for some books that go into more depth on these mindfulness topics I'm interested in. The meditation/visit to the monastery was cool. Not really what I was expecting but I did enjoy it.

Jells2dot0 said:

A margarita does sound damn good, even at this early am time. I have been there with the pity parties during my divorce. I didn't really want to talk to anyone IRL about it because noone in IRL other than my parents or my friends' parents had been through it. I didn't think they could connect with what I was feeling. So, I did the counseling thing and the psychiatrist thing. I was on all sorts of meds, too. 

It really took me finding myself, on my own time, at my own place. Sounds cliche, right? I took a job in a different state and lived on my own. I was with my now DH at the time and just flew back and forth for the weekends. But, being somewhere new on my own, learning a new job, meeting new people, taking time for myself to hike and job, really did it for me. I grew as a person. 

I'm being particularly bratty about the whole "it takes time thing" in life right now. Logically, I know that. But of course I want to be fixed and well right now. I'm sure you of all people understand that feeling. I am enjoying doing me, stuff. which relates back to what you were saying, @smichek . I am doing lots of me things - surfing, doing yoga every. day. I enjoy shopping and dining by myself. I guess I'm really struggling with the fact that I want to keep everyone I encounter IRL (including my existing friends and family) at the periphery. And then I have this weird detachment from the general concept of love and marriage and relationships. I know neither of these things is "normal" so I feel pretty lost. I don't know what to do with those feelings. Maybe I just live with them for now. Patience was never my strong suit. I'm a fixer. (Thank you for sharing so much of yourself, too @smichek - I appreciate that.)

Cookie!!! The dogs. I am not a dog person. But I am also not the anti-christ and those dogs are adorbs. Bonus points for sneaking the kitty in there.

@missdelilah this monastery does retreats as well. I've been looking into them. I think I want to do a few more day visits before I commit to something longer. I'm DY-ING to do a yoga retreat. That would make me over the moon happy. Specifically one in an awesome tropical location.

Thank you, @wandajune6 - just knowing I'm not alone and you guys are here is amazing. Really.

@sarahbear31 - Yes, my sister and I both did well on Paxil. But my current psychiatrist things it's an awful drug, and I was having some side effects so I got off it. Which is another story. That was like freaking heroin withdrawal (so they say). The more I've thought about it last night, my meds are doing amazing things for me. I am mostly stable. So now I think comes the hard part where I have to put in the effort to heal myself. And that's daunting. And I don't really know what to do or how to start. But my counselor and I have been talking about that.

CMG, I talk to myself a lot. And pray. And meditate. The meditation and yoga have done just as much for me as medication has. It's really amazing stuff. Thank you and Steph, and Blerg for offering to talk meds with me. They are their own battle, which you guys surely know.

And now, I'd like to take you up on that champagne, offer Mercedes.

Thanks guys. Sorry for the super long post. Just want you all to know I appreciate you very much.

missdelilah

I'm so pleased that you've found some of these responses helpful. I really do hope that you find some peace of mind soon. Another giant hug from myself and houseful of pets. xx

lc07

Jells2dot0 said:

A margarita does sound damn good, even at this early am time. I have been there with the pity parties during my divorce. I didn't really want to talk to anyone IRL about it because noone in IRL other than my parents or my friends' parents had been through it. I didn't think they could connect with what I was feeling. So, I did the counseling thing and the psychiatrist thing. I was on all sorts of meds, too. 

It really took me finding myself, on my own time, at my own place. Sounds cliche, right? I took a job in a different state and lived on my own. I was with my now DH at the time and just flew back and forth for the weekends. But, being somewhere new on my own, learning a new job, meeting new people, taking time for myself to hike and job, really did it for me. I grew as a person. 

I thought about this as well. Except I live in an amazing place. And I own two small service-based companies that I cannot imagine having to start from scratch again. And I don't think I have any skills that would allow me to make the kind of income I make at a "regular" job. Maybe I don't need that much money, though. IDK. The thought of ditching everything and starting over somewhere else is very appealing, though. I am on my own in the sense that I don't have any family here and only a few close friendships with everyone else being work related colleagues or acquaintances. 

I think I really just want to run away on a yoga retreat and stay.. But in my current state of mind IDK if I am running away from my problems or just starting over with that train of thought.

Jells2dot0

It's also very easy for me to say "take your time" "it will get better with time." All I freaking have is time and I have to take things as they come, day to day.  I have no other choice but to be patient right now. 

A yoga retreat sounds great. I have never done yoga and wanted to get started with private sessions. I'm not sure I'll ever get that chance, but it sounds relaxing and inspiring.

lc07

Jells2dot0 said:

It's also very easy for me to say "take your time" "it will get better with time." All I freaking have is time and I have to take things as they come, day to day.  I have no other choice but to be patient right now. 

A yoga retreat sounds great. I have never done yoga and wanted to get started with private sessions. I'm not sure I'll ever get that chance, but it sounds relaxing and inspiring.

I think yoga would be absolutely amazing for you. I take classes that range from sitting and breathing and stretching to really intense work outs. Once you are out from under house arrest could you hire someone to come to your home to guide your practice and teach you? I am practically jumping up and down I'm so excited for you to do it. It has shifted things for me in so many positive ways. I realize that my physical pain is virtually zero compared to your own, but yoga has even helped me with sharp pain I get in one of my ears from allergies. Nothing else but time makes it go away except yoga. It has also given me a lot of self confidence and self esteem. It has helped me with like 1,000 things. You WILL get the chance.

JCbride2015

Jells2dot0

lc07 said:

Jells2dot0 said:

It's also very easy for me to say "take your time" "it will get better with time." All I freaking have is time and I have to take things as they come, day to day.  I have no other choice but to be patient right now. 

A yoga retreat sounds great. I have never done yoga and wanted to get started with private sessions. I'm not sure I'll ever get that chance, but it sounds relaxing and inspiring.

I think yoga would be absolutely amazing for you. I take classes that range from sitting and breathing and stretching to really intense work outs. Once you are out from under house arrest could you hire someone to come to your home to guide your practice and teach you? I am practically jumping up and down I'm so excited for you to do it. It has shifted things for me in so many positive ways. I realize that my physical pain is virtually zero compared to your own, but yoga has even helped me with sharp pain I get in one of my ears from allergies. Nothing else but time makes it go away except yoga. It has also given me a lot of self confidence and self esteem. It has helped me with like 1,000 things. You WILL get the chance.

I will look into it. I need to find someone who is willing to come into my home, for sure. I imagine I will be stuck in here until mid October. I just have to be careful that no one brings in any illness or germs.

lc07

Jells! I am googling and I'm finding people who do Skype yoga sessions, some specifically for cancer patients. I'm going to ask my yoga studio about it since I know they are awesome and IDK these internet peeps.

doeydo

Sorry I don`t really have anything helpful to say, other than we love you and are here for you.  

Jells2dot0

lc07 said:

Jells! I am googling and I'm finding people who do Skype yoga sessions, some specifically for cancer patients. I'm going to ask my yoga studio about it since I know they are awesome and IDK these internet peeps.

Aw, thanks! I'm seriously clueless about it, but I have been told by many people that I would benefit from it (even before I was sick). 

lc07

lol doey. You found a cat with an accent and a margarita in the same pic. Win. And thank you for the love. Sending cats and margaritas and love back at ya. All day.