Moms and Maids

Bailing bridesmaid?

Hi There-

I'm getting married in less than a month, and so my bridesmaids and close friends held my bachelorette party. We rented a house on Nantucket. It was attended by my best friend from childhood, my best friend from college and some of my closest friends I've met since college. They are an incredible group of women and everyone got along extremely well. So much so that my stomach hurt for two days just from all the laughing and sharing of stories.

The day after everyone left, I got the following note via Facebook from my best friend from childhood (and bridesmaid). The kind of friend that you spent more time together than apart in high school, but have since lived 3,000 miles apart for years.  You still see one another when you can and know that the other has your back. 

Hey you~Hope you are having fun and the weather is better. I am writing this to you to let you know that I will not be making the wedding. I am so very sorry. I am sending you my dress, and it has not been altered in any way. I feel very undeserving of the opportunity and I feel that you have very good friends that very much deserve to be standing next to you on your big day. I know you are going to be absolutely stunning and everything is going to be amazing. I am so very happy for you. You deserve the very best, and I think you have found it in every aspect of your life. I am not doing this to hurt you. I hope you know me better than that. I hope your day turns out to be everything you dreamed it to be.

I wrote back and asked if she could talk. She replied she was at work. I wrote back and asked if she could talk that night because it seemed to be a conversation for the phone, not text, and she replied that she had to take her car to the shop. (She of course has a cell phone.)

I feel it is truly one thing to say you don't feel comfortable being in my wedding party because you feel I have friends that I am closer to as an adult, however, I that is a very different thing than saying you won't be attending someone's wedding, isn't it?

I'm wondering if anyone else had had something similar happen and how they handled it?





 

Re: Bailing bridesmaid?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    At least she's giving you notice and is returning the dress.  She could have no-showed.

    Yeah, it sucks.  But there really isn't anything you can do besides accept it with good grace.
  • I'd put the wedding business aside and try to figure out what is really going on with your friend. It sounds like she could really use a friend right now to listen to her.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I was worried about the expenses and about making her feel uncomfortable about any costs, so I actually paid for the dresses and the hotel rooms for both nights for all three bridesmaids - that way she wouldn't feel singled out. I also offered to fly her on my airline miles, which I do for her frequently and it has never been considered an issue in the past - or at least that I knew of. 

    Thanks, ladies. Really good advice here.
  • Maybe time off of work is an issue.  At one of my jobs there were time where I just couldn't take time off, I had the vacation time but I was needed there for whatever reason.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2014
    dawntol2 said:
    Hi There-

    I'm getting married in less than a month, and so my bridesmaids and close friends held my bachelorette party. We rented a house on Nantucket. It was attended by my best friend from childhood, my best friend from college and some of my closest friends I've met since college. They are an incredible group of women and everyone got along extremely well. So much so that my stomach hurt for two days just from all the laughing and sharing of stories.

    The day after everyone left, I got the following note via Facebook from my best friend from childhood (and bridesmaid). The kind of friend that you spent more time together than apart in high school, but have since lived 3,000 miles apart for years.  You still see one another when you can and know that the other has your back. 

    Hey you~Hope you are having fun and the weather is better. I am writing this to you to let you know that I will not be making the wedding. I am so very sorry. I am sending you my dress, and it has not been altered in any way. I feel very undeserving of the opportunity and I feel that you have very good friends that very much deserve to be standing next to you on your big day. I know you are going to be absolutely stunning and everything is going to be amazing. I am so very happy for you. You deserve the very best, and I think you have found it in every aspect of your life. I am not doing this to hurt you. I hope you know me better than that. I hope your day turns out to be everything you dreamed it to be.

    I wrote back and asked if she could talk. She replied she was at work. I wrote back and asked if she could talk that night because it seemed to be a conversation for the phone, not text, and she replied that she had to take her car to the shop. (She of course has a cell phone.)

    I feel it is truly one thing to say you don't feel comfortable being in my wedding party because you feel I have friends that I am closer to as an adult, however, I that is a very different thing than saying you won't be attending someone's wedding, isn't it?

    I'm wondering if anyone else had had something similar happen and how they handled it?





     
    This is why I would want to talk to her. It's a bizarre thing to say. I don't think you should try to force her to be a BM but she didn't say she can't afford to come or she has too much work. She says she feels undeserving. As a friend I would feel like it's my obligation to figure out why she feels that way in case I accidentally caused that feeling and squashed it. Whether she still decides to come or not is her choice. 
    KeptInStitchesJamiea291
  • lc07 said:
    dawntol2 said:
    Hi There-

    I'm getting married in less than a month, and so my bridesmaids and close friends held my bachelorette party. We rented a house on Nantucket. It was attended by my best friend from childhood, my best friend from college and some of my closest friends I've met since college. They are an incredible group of women and everyone got along extremely well. So much so that my stomach hurt for two days just from all the laughing and sharing of stories.

    The day after everyone left, I got the following note via Facebook from my best friend from childhood (and bridesmaid). The kind of friend that you spent more time together than apart in high school, but have since lived 3,000 miles apart for years.  You still see one another when you can and know that the other has your back. 

    Hey you~Hope you are having fun and the weather is better. I am writing this to you to let you know that I will not be making the wedding. I am so very sorry. I am sending you my dress, and it has not been altered in any way. I feel very undeserving of the opportunity and I feel that you have very good friends that very much deserve to be standing next to you on your big day. I know you are going to be absolutely stunning and everything is going to be amazing. I am so very happy for you. You deserve the very best, and I think you have found it in every aspect of your life. I am not doing this to hurt you. I hope you know me better than that. I hope your day turns out to be everything you dreamed it to be.

    I wrote back and asked if she could talk. She replied she was at work. I wrote back and asked if she could talk that night because it seemed to be a conversation for the phone, not text, and she replied that she had to take her car to the shop. (She of course has a cell phone.)

    I feel it is truly one thing to say you don't feel comfortable being in my wedding party because you feel I have friends that I am closer to as an adult, however, I that is a very different thing than saying you won't be attending someone's wedding, isn't it?

    I'm wondering if anyone else had had something similar happen and how they handled it?





     
    This is why I would want to talk to her. It's a bizarre thing to say. I don't think you should try to force her to be a BM but she didn't say she can't afford to come or she has too much work. She says she feels undeserving. As a friend I would feel like it's my obligation to figure out why she feels that way in case I accidentally caused that feeling and squashed it. Whether she still decides to come or not is her choice. 
    I didn't pick up on that before but you're right. It could also be a sign of something going on with her.  Like an emotional issue.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    lc07
  • Did one of your friends offend her at the party, or did things happen to make her feel left out?
  • I hope we can talk about this on the phone sometime.  But if we can't I want you to know how much I love you.  I hope you can still make it to my wedding whether you're wearing a bridesmaid dress and standing next to me or if you are sitting in a chair.  I will not be replacing you as a bridesmaid as you are the one I chose to stand with me.  While I don't understand you feeling that you are undeserving of this honor, I believe you are more than deserving and will consider you one of my dearest friends regardless.  I'll miss you if you can't make it to the wedding, but I understand that circumstances change and I hope we can get together again soon.
    lilacck28danamwaleighbakerJamiea291
  • adk19 said:
    I hope we can talk about this on the phone sometime.  But if we can't I want you to know how much I love you.  I hope you can still make it to my wedding whether you're wearing a bridesmaid dress and standing next to me or if you are sitting in a chair.  I will not be replacing you as a bridesmaid as you are the one I chose to stand with me.  While I don't understand you feeling that you are undeserving of this honor, I believe you are more than deserving and will consider you one of my dearest friends regardless.  I'll miss you if you can't make it to the wedding, but I understand that circumstances change and I hope we can get together again soon.


    this is a great reply. I'm sorry this is happening as it must be quite distressing just on a friendship level, leaving aside the wedding. Defintiely reach out to your friend and let her know you care for her friendship, not her role as bridesmaid. I hope everything is okay with her. 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards