FMIL upset that her & FFIL's names aren't on the invitation... did I do something wrong? updated

ashley8918

Just got this text from FMIL:

 "OK, not going to skirt this... 6 phone calls, texts, emails as to why FIsStepDad and I were omitted from the wedding invites? I have been included and so appreciate being part of the wedding plans. To not even have our names below FIsname's is kinda hurtful" 

 and then shortly after: 

"you obviously have no respect for us" 

 And now I am bawling. I have never EVER had a single issue with FMIL before. Did I do something wrong?

ETA: They are not hosting

ETF paragraphs

ETA :Update in comments- she apologized & I am going to let it go and not dwell on hurt feelings.

landa10315

Are they hosting any part of the wedding?

ashley8918

No, they are not. Nor did we expect them to.

sophhabobopha

FMIL sounds like a drama llama. You did nothing wrong.

themosthappy91

I think if they are in no way hosting you didn't do anything wrong. I'm so sorry this is happening to you! I could honestly be wrong about the etiquette aspect of this but I always heard if the bride's parents are paying, only their names need to appear (or if no parents are paying, no parent names appear). I would have done the same thing without even giving it a second thought and it's awful to know you inadvertently upset someone so much... and that they automatically jumped to "you don't care about us". I guess all you can do is say you did what you thought was traditionally and you really meant no offense? I don't think you're in the wrong but obviously it's never fun to rock the boat like this. Sending positive thoughts!

ashley8918

sophhabobopha said:

FMIL sounds like a drama llama. You did nothing wrong.

I didn't think so - but I still fell terrible that she is upset. I don't know how to respond, or if I even should.

sophhabobopha

ashley8918 said:

sophhabobopha said:

FMIL sounds like a drama llama. You did nothing wrong.

I didn't think so - but I still fell terrible that she is upset. I don't know how to respond, or if I even should.

I would explain to her that you had no intention of hurting her and that you only included the hosts on the invite. Hopefully she sees the light!

Jen4948

If they're not hosting then their names don't belong on the invitation, and you did the right thing.

She seems to have confused the invitation with a program and doesn't understand that the persons "honored" by it are the guests, not you, your FI, or your respective parents.

I wouldn't respond.  If she gets pushy, just bean-dip her (change the subject when she brings it up).

daria24

Traditionally (and the etiquette-approved way) only the hosts names appear on the invitation-whether the couple is hosting themselves, one set of parents, both sets of parents, Walder Frey, etc. However it does seem to be a rather common belief that all parents names belong on the invitation, regardless of hosting duties. And it sucks that people think that way. I mean, any other invitation only the host is named on it-if Grandma & Grandpa Smith throw a birthday party for little Billy, do Grandma & Grandpa Jones expect to be named on the invitation too?! I would have your FI speak to FMIL and explain that you (as in, you as a couple) read the suggested wording from X sources and went with that, and that no offense was intended-they took it upon themselves to find offense in something that was completely correct and innocently done. As a side note, if my parents ever sent a text like that to my H I would be livid and I would be having words with them about it.

WinstonsGirl

Yes, have your FI talk to her about it, not you.  His parents, his talk.  Just make sure you're both on the same page about what you want to say

holyguacamole79

I'm sorry that FMIL went nuts, Ashley. I would call (not text) and say "FMIL, I'm sorry to hear that you're upset regarding the wording of the wedding invitation. I appreciate the help you have contributed to the wedding. According to etiquette, the hosts of the wedding are on the invitation." Are your parents paying? It could see why she's upset if you & FI are paying for the wedding and you included your parents' names....

lyndausvi

Notice Prince Charles nor Kate's parents are on the invite.  Know why?  The queen was the host.    

You did nothing wrong.  Sorry they are being jerks.

ashley8918

sarahbear31 said:

I'm sorry that FMIL went nuts, Ashley. I would call (not text) and say "FMIL, I'm sorry to hear that you're upset regarding the wording of the wedding invitation. I appreciate the help you have contributed to the wedding. According to etiquette, the hosts of the wedding are on the invitation." Are your parents paying? It could see why she's upset if you & FI are paying for the wedding and you included your parents' names....

Yes, my mother is paying, and she is included as the host on the invitation.

I just got off the phone with her. I kind of feel better.. in some ways. I said basically what you (and PPs) stated above regarding who is who is hosting and what is proper per etiquette. She cut me off halfway through and apologized. She said that she had just looked it up, and that according to etiquette, she was  totally in the wrong. She seemed to feel really horrible. 

But then she went on to tell me that she had let family members who called get under her skin with comments like "Well, I guess FIsName is an orphan... I don't see your name anywhere." and "Are you and Ashley not getting along?", "why is she being so rude?"... And now i'm upset all over again. These are people who are supposed to be my new family are making these comments about me. Cue fetal position.

ashley8918

lyndausvi said:

Notice Prince Charles nor Kate's parents are on the invite.  Know why?  The queen was the host.    

You did nothing wrong.  Sorry they are being jerks.

I don't know why I laughed so hard when I read this, but I did. I feel a little better just for that little laugh. Thank you.

steph861

I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Even if you had, she should have taken this to her son, not you. I'm really sorry she did this to you. You don't deserve it.

Why do weddings bring out the crazy in people so much? And why does it seem like angry FMILs always take it out on the bride, as if their sons aren't involved in any wedding decisions?

ashley8918

steph11814 said:

I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Even if you had, she should have taken this to her son, not you. I'm really sorry she did this to you. You don't deserve it. Why do weddings bring out the crazy in people so much? And why does it seem like angry FMILs always take it out on the bride, as if their sons aren't involved in any wedding decisions?

THIS. Why was I the first and only one contacted? She never said a word to FI.

LadyMillil

ashley8918 said:

steph11814 said:

I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Even if you had, she should have taken this to her son, not you. I'm really sorry she did this to you. You don't deserve it. Why do weddings bring out the crazy in people so much? And why does it seem like angry FMILs always take it out on the bride, as if their sons aren't involved in any wedding decisions?

THIS. Why was I the first and only one contacted? She never said a word to FI.

Because he is a boy and thus he doesn't care about anything wedding related *rolls eyes*

RebeccaFlower

I can definitely see how this becomes an issue since lots of people do "the son of" or whatever. We just used the template that was included on the invites we picked so we didn't really think twice about not having the parents listed. Sorry you're dealing with this, OP. Hopefully FMIL will tell people what the etiquette is and they will back off.

Liatris2010

ashley8918 said:

sarahbear31 said:

I'm sorry that FMIL went nuts, Ashley. I would call (not text) and say "FMIL, I'm sorry to hear that you're upset regarding the wording of the wedding invitation. I appreciate the help you have contributed to the wedding. According to etiquette, the hosts of the wedding are on the invitation." Are your parents paying? It could see why she's upset if you & FI are paying for the wedding and you included your parents' names....

Yes, my mother is paying, and she is included as the host on the invitation.

I just got off the phone with her. I kind of feel better.. in some ways. I said basically what you (and PPs) stated above regarding who is who is hosting and what is proper per etiquette. She cut me off halfway through and apologized. She said that she had just looked it up, and that according to etiquette, she was  totally in the wrong. She seemed to feel really horrible. 

But then she went on to tell me that she had let family members who called get under her skin with comments like "Well, I guess FIsName is an orphan... I don't see your name anywhere." and "Are you and Ashley not getting along?", "why is she being so rude?"... And now i'm upset all over again. These are people who are supposed to be my new family are making these comments about me. Cue fetal position.

These people seem like they just want to create drama. I am sure this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the kind of people they are, wanting to stir up trouble where none exists.

OliveOilsMom

Why would those people call the POGs and complain about the wording of an invite?  That's just rude and unnecessary.  Glad you have things straightened out with FMIL and don't let those rude people get to you.  Hopefully FMIL now knows what to say back to those rude assholes.  I mean really, who complains about the proper wording of an invite?  

MobKaz

Liatris2010 said:

ashley8918 said:

sarahbear31 said:

I'm sorry that FMIL went nuts, Ashley. I would call (not text) and say "FMIL, I'm sorry to hear that you're upset regarding the wording of the wedding invitation. I appreciate the help you have contributed to the wedding. According to etiquette, the hosts of the wedding are on the invitation." Are your parents paying? It could see why she's upset if you & FI are paying for the wedding and you included your parents' names....

Yes, my mother is paying, and she is included as the host on the invitation.

I just got off the phone with her. I kind of feel better.. in some ways. I said basically what you (and PPs) stated above regarding who is who is hosting and what is proper per etiquette. She cut me off halfway through and apologized. She said that she had just looked it up, and that according to etiquette, she was  totally in the wrong. She seemed to feel really horrible. 

But then she went on to tell me that she had let family members who called get under her skin with comments like "Well, I guess FIsName is an orphan... I don't see your name anywhere." and "Are you and Ashley not getting along?", "why is she being so rude?"... And now i'm upset all over again. These are people who are supposed to be my new family are making these comments about me. Cue fetal position.

These people seem like they just want to create drama. I am sure this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the kind of people they are, wanting to stir up trouble where none exists.

This sums it up perfectly.  FMIL apparently had no issue with the invitation until someone else stirred the pot.  Now she is embarrassed.  I hope she gave those relatives a piece of her mind.

OP, one thing this does clue you in on, however, is that at least with this one example, FMIL tends to have a reactionary personality.  Had she calmly checked her facts before calling you, the call to you may never have occurred.  It also indicates that she does own her mistakes and apologizes when one is made.  This should help you with future issues you may have with her. 

ashley8918

Liatris2010 said:

ashley8918 said:

sarahbear31 said:

I'm sorry that FMIL went nuts, Ashley. I would call (not text) and say "FMIL, I'm sorry to hear that you're upset regarding the wording of the wedding invitation. I appreciate the help you have contributed to the wedding. According to etiquette, the hosts of the wedding are on the invitation." Are your parents paying? It could see why she's upset if you & FI are paying for the wedding and you included your parents' names....

Yes, my mother is paying, and she is included as the host on the invitation.

I just got off the phone with her. I kind of feel better.. in some ways. I said basically what you (and PPs) stated above regarding who is who is hosting and what is proper per etiquette. She cut me off halfway through and apologized. She said that she had just looked it up, and that according to etiquette, she was  totally in the wrong. She seemed to feel really horrible. 

But then she went on to tell me that she had let family members who called get under her skin with comments like "Well, I guess FIsName is an orphan... I don't see your name anywhere." and "Are you and Ashley not getting along?", "why is she being so rude?"... And now i'm upset all over again. These are people who are supposed to be my new family are making these comments about me. Cue fetal position.

These people seem like they just want to create drama. I am sure this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the kind of people they are, wanting to stir up trouble where none exists.

Now that I've slept on it, I feel much better and 1000% less upset. You are totally right. I'm not going to spend one more second worrying about whoever these assholes might be (I have a suspicion, but whatever).

ashley8918

OliveOilsMom said:

Why would those people call the POGs and complain about the wording of an invite?  That's just rude and unnecessary.  Glad you have things straightened out with FMIL and don't let those rude people get to you.  Hopefully FMIL now knows what to say back to those rude assholes.  I mean really, who complains about the proper wording of an invite?  

Seriously! 1 - who cares?! and 2 - Why the hell would you call FMIL to whine about it and stir up trouble?

ashley8918

MobKaz said:

OP, one thing this does clue you in on, however, is that at least with this one example, FMIL tends to have a reactionary personality.  Had she calmly checked her facts before calling you, the call to you may never have occurred.  It also indicates that she does own her mistakes and apologizes when one is made.  This should help you with future issues you may have with her. 

Yes, I will definitely keep this in mind in the future. I will try not to let her get me so upset and give her a chance to calm down.

She really is great, and we get along extreme well. Which made the whole thing all the more hurtful at first. I thought I MUST have done something wrong, for her to send me such a nasty text.

But, once she realized that someone else had put the idea in her head, and that I actually hadn't done anything wrong, she truly felt horrible. She was very apologetic, and i'm absolutely not going to hold a grudge over it.

climbingsingle

OliveOilsMom said:

Why would those people call the POGs and complain about the wording of an invite?  That's just rude and unnecessary.  Glad you have things straightened out with FMIL and don't let those rude people get to you.  Hopefully FMIL now knows what to say back to those rude assholes.  I mean really, who complains about the proper wording of an invite?  

I really don't get this either. What rude jerks! 

ashley8918

ClimbingBrideNY said:

OliveOilsMom said:

Why would those people call the POGs and complain about the wording of an invite?  That's just rude and unnecessary.  Glad you have things straightened out with FMIL and don't let those rude people get to you.  Hopefully FMIL now knows what to say back to those rude assholes.  I mean really, who complains about the proper wording of an invite?  

I really don't get this either. What rude jerks! 

Agreed. I keep having to stop myself from contemplating who it could have been. SO not worth it.

indianaalum

That's why we did "Together with our families". it took away ALLL the drama.

Sorry this happened to you.

In some ways, I guess I agree that having the "Host" listed could make those parents who can't afford to help out feel bad as the whole world would know they didn't pay. It's like having to pay to get your name on the invitations. I know its etiquette, but in some ways, I can totally see how it creates drama and hurt feelings.

p.s. We did "together with families" even though we paid for 99 percent of it. His parents paid for rehearsal and my dad gave me a few hundred dollars toward dress. Other than that, we paid for it ourselves and did everything ourselves

NYCMercedes

It sounds you're lucky to have her after all! It takes a big person to apologize.

ashley8918

indianaalum said:

That's why we did "Together with our families". it took away ALLL the drama.

Sorry this happened to you.

In some ways, I guess I agree that having the "Host" listed could make those parents who can't afford to help out feel bad as the whole world would know they didn't pay. It's like having to pay to get your name on the invitations. I know its etiquette, but in some ways, I can totally see how it creates drama and hurt feelings.

To the bolded: I so wish I had done this.

I also agree that's it's kind of silly to advertise who pays on the invitation. While okay, etiquette-wise, It feels sort of tacky to me. The reason that my mom is listed, however, is because she didn't just hand us a check . She is actually hosting. Yes, she contributed a significant financial amount, but she is also fielding a lot of calls, coordinating a lot of day-of stuff (even though I told her she absolutely didn't need to. The venue manager is doing a great job... but she is sort of a control freak... haha), coordinating pick ups for out-of-town guests, etc. 

ashley8918

NYCMercedes said:

It sounds you're lucky to have her after all! It takes a big person to apologize.

Agreed! I will confess they I am not so quick to admit when I was wrong and apologize. I mean, I will... eventually. But it's hard.

MegEn1

I think OP did things JUST RIGHT. If a set of parents is forking over tons of cash to do the hosting, they should be recognized for it!