Ideas needed on how to include Future Mother-in-Law

Knottie23138528

I'm not close at all with my FMIL- it's not that she's necessarily a bad person, we just don't click like she does with my fiance's brother's wife.  Since getting engaged, she has made it pretty clear that she wants to be there when I pick my dress (told me twice, told my FI once).  I'm not comfortable with that- more because I'm very self-conscious and want only my mom and MOH there.  I tried to express exactly that, but it seems to have gone over her head.

Should I include her in the dress shopping process?  Are there other ways I can include her that would still help her feel involved and not hurt her feelings (bc she'll have no problem making that known)?  My FI is pretty much demanding I include her, too, in selecting things for the wedding, and I don't mind doing it, I just don't want it to be when I'm looking for my dress.

Any advice appreciated. thank you!

JaxInBlue

So I think this is evenly split between a FI problem and and FMIL problem.  It's a FI problem because he's pushing you to include her, when it's not solely your responsibility.  Why don't you suggest to both of them that she accompany him to pick out/up/order his attire? 

Beyond that, I think you need to level with your FI about why you don't want his mom with your when you try on dresses.  It's perfectly fair and reasonable to not want dress shopping to be a production. Be blunt if you need to, as in "You know I'm self-conscious about clothes shopping, so I need this day to be about me and what makes me feel most comfortable.  This isn't something we can negotiate."   Then, he needs to help you talk with her about that and to enforce your decision.

If you are comfortable doing so, offer in include her in a fitting appointment, maybe with your mom and MOH, perhaps alone.  That way, she still gets the inside look at your dress but on your terms.

I'd also consider, with your FI, is there is some aspect of your prep that you can make her domain and that she can take full ownership of sorting out for you.  Are you stuck on what type of centerpieces you want?  Give her some guidelines (I'd love to combine roses and peonies, and was thinking something tall) and ask her to do some research for you.  Or maybe you need ideas for cake flavors, or a piece of recessional music, something where you would be okay listening to her thoughts and choosing from those.

Good luck!

southernbelle0915

Knottie23138528 said:

I'm not close at all with my FMIL- it's not that she's necessarily a bad person, we just don't click like she does with my fiance's brother's wife.  Since getting engaged, she has made it pretty clear that she wants to be there when I pick my dress (told me twice, told my FI once).  I'm not comfortable with that- more because I'm very self-conscious and want only my mom and MOH there.  I tried to express exactly that, but it seems to have gone over her head.

Should I include her in the dress shopping process?  Are there other ways I can include her that would still help her feel involved and not hurt her feelings (bc she'll have no problem making that known)?  My FI is pretty much demanding I include her, too, in selecting things for the wedding, and I don't mind doing it, I just don't want it to be when I'm looking for my dress.

Any advice appreciated. thank you!

Your FI is way out of line here. You two need to get on the same page before anything else happens. Unless she is paying for something, she doesn't need to be included in anything whatsoever, outside of receiving an invitation.

You do not need to bring her dress shopping. If you want that to be you and your mom, that's what it should be. She can go with your FI to pick out tuxes if he wants her to be involved in attire. Or you could ask her opinion on BM dresses or offer to shop with her for she's going to wear.

If she wants to be included on other stuff that she isn't paying for, you can include her as much or as little as you want. If you do, I would suggest simple input like does she like bouquet A or B better.. stuff like that.

MairePoppy

No one should be pressuring you into inviting FMIL along to shop for your wedding dress. You should tell your fi that you want to have this special moment with your mom and MOH and that you expect him to back you up. Don't mention the shopping date to your FMIL.

If you want, you can invite FMIL to a dress fitting, when the dress comes in. Or you can tell her that you don't want anyone, except your mom, to see the dress before the wedding. FMIL could put together the guest list and seating plan for the groom's side and be invited to your shower, if you have one. Otherwise, she could help her son shop for his wedding clothes, plan the RD if she's hosting/paying for it and if your Fi wants her more involved that that, she can plan and attend his bp ; )

 

Jen4948

I think that the only persons who should be present when you buy your dress, accessories, or decide on hair or makeup or get ready are those whom you actually want with you, regardless of what your FI or your FMIL want. If your FMIL is not among them, then that's not an appropriate way to "include" her and your FMIL needs to back off on that and your FI needs to support you. Are there aspects of the wedding that you don't mind including your FMIL in? Are you okay, for instance, with her planning a rehearsal dinner for you and your FI, or planning some other occasion, or helping choose decorations, music, the menu, or any other aspects? If not, then you'll have to stand your ground with her and with your FI. By way of compromise, I myself would choose some area or areas she can focus on and let her have free rein (within boundaries you can set) in that area or areas, but beyond that she would have to respect your boundaries without comment or interference. If she and/or your FI aren't okay with such a compromise, you would have bigger issues in your relationship that might require you to make some hard decisions.