Wedding Etiquette Forum

Embarrassed and Frustrated

For the most part, this is just to vent.

I am really struggling with accepting the fact it seems etiquette is completely lost on the majority of my generation.  Maybe it's just the area I'm in. 

Our engagement party was fairly recent, and it was beautiful! A long time family friend planned and hosted the gathering for us and I was so flattered and excited.  She asked me to put together a list of friends and family, and quickly got invitations in the mail.  Invitations that specifically asked to RSVP by a certain date.  This is where we ran into a hiccup.  3 days before the RSVP's were due, the host called me concerned about not having received any RSVP's so far.  The invitations were sent out 4 weeks in advance.  She needed to know how much food to buy, how much alcohol to serve, and how many tables and chairs to set up.  This put me in the awkward position of having to call my friends and ask them to call the host and RSVP.  When I called, I didn't get apologies about having forgotten to RSVP (with the exception of one friend), I got complaints and whining about needing to call someone and formally RSVP.  "Oh you know I'll be there!  Come on, who RSVP's these days!?"  Well, *I* may have the confidence in our friendship that you will show up, but that doesn't mean the host will know to expect you there!

The RSVPs were worked out, and they did call after poking, prodding and insisting - Not a situation I felt comfortable being in.  Oh well, gonna carry on.  Not the end of the world.  I even let the fact none of them thanked the host for the food, drinks, dessert and entertainment before leaving for the evening be brushed off, and compensated for profusely thanking the host myself on their behalf. 

This past weekend we (myself and the bridesmaids) had a small get together for coffee.  We got on the topic of weddings - mine, a wedding one of them had attended the weekend before, and the wedding of one of my bridesmaids friends.  Here are a few of the etiquette taboo's that came up:

The girl who had been to a wedding the weekend before:  Advised me to be careful if I'm planning on having our reception at a hotel because the drinks are upwards of $9 each.  She explained the couple had "hosted" an hour of beverages but the rest of the night was a cash bar.  She didn't think this was unreasonable because there were over 300 people at the wedding and it would have been very expensive to provide drinks all night.  But, this justification sure didn't stop my friend from wanting to warn me against imposing such a high drink cost on my guests.  Shouldn't that couple have kept that in mind when they chose that venue/decided to have 300 people?

My other bridesmaid was excited about being a B list bridesmaid for another friend of hers.  This other friend had kicked someone out of the wedding party for not showing up to their engagement party and replaced that bridesmaid with my friend.  This was completely acceptable and exciting to my friend.

We had a discussion about Stag & Doe parties.  I explained what they were to them, and how they're a party to raise money for the bride and groom to throw their wedding.  "It's basically asking your guests to fund the party you're planning on inviting them to" is how I explained it.  B list bridesmaid chimed in and said "What a great idea!  We should do one for you!"  No. no, no, no, no and no.

Maybe I'm being uptight.  I'm sure they think I am.  

/endrant
/sorryforthelongpost
/wah

 
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Re: Embarrassed and Frustrated

  • Having had to sit through a dinner once where a cousin of mine and another guest extolled the "benefits" of honeymoon registries (I chose not to participate in their discussion), yeah, it's disgusting.  You're not being "uptight."  These people are being rude.  Maybe they don't realize it, but that's no excuse for treating one's guests badly.
  • @jen4948 I'm so glad that topic didn't come up.  One of them suggested a cash registry to me a few months back thinking it would be a good idea for us.  FI and I aren't sure which country we'll end up in once we're married and all the gifts would be difficult to move/wouldn't work in the other country (electrical sockets and wattage being different where he is).  Haven't decided yet, but we're either opting out of a registry all together, or registering for non electronic items only, with the understanding I will have to plan for moving it all with me.
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  • Ugh, vent away. Your friends are being ridiculous.

    I have taken to straight-up making faces and going, "Ugh, that's too tacky" when people suggest things like B-lists, honeyfunds, or cash bars. Let them think I'm a snob, I guess--it beats the alternative (being rude).

    True story: My ex-boss, who is a lovely person and usually a paragon of good taste and etiquette in that way the very wealthy tend to be (out of necessity in their circles), suggested a honeyfund to me. "You can even register for a honeymoon these days!" she said. "Isn't that really tacky though, to ask for money?" I replied, cleverly disguising my disgust in question form. "No! Nobody cares, why shouldn't you have a great trip?" I bean dipped.

    It makes me have a little bit of empathy for brides who come on here asking questions about these things--so many people just throw these suggestions out there without really thinking about them. But if you think about them, even a little, it becomes clear that there are reasons for good etiquette: We RSVP because hosts need to plan, and feed us. We don't ask for money because enough people find it in poor taste that it's worthwhile not to risk offending them. We don't ask people to pay to hang out with us (whether at a Stag and Doe or with a cash bar) because hosting is supposed to be a gift, not a cost. If any of those things make me uptight, then I'll happily shit the diamonds of good taste.
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • The lack of RSVP-ing when an invitation specifically requests it boggles my mind. Do these friends have no idea that someone actually has to plan food and drink amounts? Sometimes, people are just too good-natured. If your friend is excited to be a bridesmaid, well, let her be excited and pray she doesn't think it's acceptable to do the same when it's her turn. Boo!
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  • I think most people who suggest honeymoon registries don't understand how they work.
  • The lack of RSVPing and lack of thankfulness (word?) among the recent generations is really embarrassing! 
    My MOH never RSVP'd for my wedding, but was just shocked that only 1/2 the people she invited to my shower actually RSVP'd. 

    And I don't get why people can't say thank you more often! Honestly, I don't think you can ever say "Thank you" enough. I got so many compliments on my TY cards and I just thought 'They were super basic. What is the big deal?'. But I'm realizing its probably because so many people don't do them or they just send a picture that says "Thanks" with no note or acknowledgment of the actual gift.

    I got a ton of BAD advice from close friends/family when planning my wedding: cash bar, tiered reception, B-list, dollar dance, yikes!! I know I was called uptight several times because I just kept repeating "No, we're not doing that" and didn't say what I really wanted "That's rude as sh*t!". Also demanding that an aunt delete her post on my FB wall that included my wedding web site! Her response "Oh its not a big deal, those people understand they're not invited".

    It's tough going out there!
  • Rude people suck. And I definitely think there are more of them these days. 

    I honestly believe it's part of the incubation of so many special 'flakes. People are so much more absorbed in themselves now and have had it cemented into their head that everything they do is special they can do no wrong. So they just do whatever suits their own needs without a lot of regard for how their actions/decisions affect others. 

    Weddings are one thing, but I'm starting to see this mentality creep its way into the workforce and all I want to do is...
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  • If any of those things make me uptight, then I'll happily shit the diamonds of good taste.
    This is probably the best thing I've seen on TK, hahaha!


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  • If any of those things make me uptight, then I'll happily shit the diamonds of good taste.
    This is probably the best thing I've seen on TK, hahaha!


    Thanks. ;)
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • I was leaving work with a few people who were all invited to the wedding of a coworker. They were asking each other what the others were doing after the ceremony. Since I thought the answer would be "go to the reception" I was confused by the question. They informed me that they had 3 hours to kill between the ceremony and the reception. I just looked and them and said, "Really? Karen is having a gap? That's unfortunate. She strikes me as someone who has better etiquette than that." And let them continue with the rest of their conversation.
  • The RSVP thing runs rampant in my circle too, and it drives me nuts. I think it's often people who have never thrown a properly-hosted party, so they don't understand how much work goes into planning one and how critical it is to have an accurate headcount. Other times they're just dense.

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  • Stand your ground! Be the light in the darkness! Set an example with the hopes that others will follow.
  • Vent away.--------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm lucky my social group RSVPs. We through a lot of parties/gathering and understand the concept ordering/making food a party. It helps to have an ideal of how many people who are coming.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I already know that most of the people on FI's side won't RSVP. They don't let us know if they're coming to BBQs, birthday parties, etc. so why would we assume they are going to start doing it now? Or, worse yet, they'll tell us they're coming then either show up 2 hours late or not at all. Drives me batty...

    We have the biggest place in his family or social circle so we're always the hosts. Once that changes, I'm sure others will be better behaved.

    My family is much better about it because they throw lots of parties and have dealt with this crap before.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • My best friend immediately mentioned how her cousin or somebody got a lot of money from a honeymoon fund and how she would ask him for the details so we could set something like that up for me. She was honestly surprised when I told her hell no I'm not begging for money like that.
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  • I just don't get the RSVP thing!  "Who RSVP's these days?" is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.  It's just not that hard!  I've had people tell me, well, I never know if you're supposed to RSVP if you're not going or if you're going, so I just don't do anything.  Like that makes any sense at all.  I've taken it upon myself to teach everyone and tell them to RSVP no matter what unless expressly stated otherwise (RSVP regrets only...makes sense to me!)

    This is something that I have run into with both my bridal shower and my engagement party.  My FMIL and I split the list of people for the engagement party and each had to call people to track down RSVP's a few days before the party.  And then the people that we called who RSVP'd via the phone just DAYS before the party, didn't show up, with no explanation.  She and I had a great little bonding moment over the frustration of people not understanding that respond does not mean you say nothing!
  • The RSVP thing runs rampant in my circle too, and it drives me nuts. I think it's often people who have never thrown a properly-hosted party, so they don't understand how much work goes into planning one and how critical it is to have an accurate headcount. Other times they're just dense.
    Ugg. I'm having the opposite problem. I wanted to get RSVP's for our upcoming housewarming to we could accurately judge how much food to get, but DH did not like the idea. He's of the mindset that RSVP's are for formal gatherings only, like weddings. To him, a housewarming wasn't a big enough to deal to warrant RSVP's. So we compromised- we're budgeting for the max and getting food to cover the max. He's also responsible for getting a deep freezer to put in our garage to store leftover food in case we have a ton, and getting additional food if we run out. Apparently some people don't appreciate RSVP's on either end.
    Anniversary
  • I have only hosted one party in my life, and not a single person in the families RSVPed to me. It was a bbq for when my BF completed the police academy a few years back. His father did contribute money to help (kindly, without strings or asking), and his mother (divorced, by the way) butt in and tried to take over, which is why I did my best to refuse her assistance.
    I created the invitations with only my name and phone number under the date for the RSVP. It's always confusing and numbers get crossed when there's multiple people you could call.
    On BF's dad's side I invited all aunts, uncles, and cousins. They RSVPed to his father. They've all met me (we'd been together 7 years at this point!) and the aunts even had my number before this party.
    My family RSVPed to my grandmother. That didn't make sense then, and still doesn't. It's seriously baffling.
    His mom's family was tough. I've met the aunts and uncles maybe 3 times, and BF can't even name 5 of his cousins on that side. So we excluded cousins, only invited his aunts and uncles. Well of course they RSVPed to his mom. Who then didn't tell me that they RSVPed for cousins. So she sat there and gloated because we had to set up an extra table and mores chairs during the party. She literally gave an "I told you so" speech about how we didn't have enough as we were doing this.
    Our friends are the only ones that directly responded to me. 

    I simply don't get it.

  • I'm not super sensitive or offended by all etiquette breaches (have witnessed a cash bar without flinching).  But it's hard to watch friends being grabby without getting irritated. A friend recently started a cash registry (more than 14 months out from her date) to fund a home improvement project.  This is irritating because I know it's a project they can afford to do themselves and they are not paying for one dime of their wedding or honeymoon. Same bride is insisting on a very expensive bach party trip. Tried to gently suggest to her that bmaids are supposed to plan that, if they choose to throw her one, and she basically shut that down and said she wants to go on this big trip regardless of who can afford to go. Honestly not sure our friendship will survive planning our weddings simultaneously...
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  • In my circle we only RSVP for wedding related events and baby showers. I've never been asked to RSVP for a birthday party or anything like that.
  • In my circle, we don't call it "RSVP", but we let people know if we're going to be there so they can get a table of the right size, or buy enough beer, or whatever. As in, "Hey, we're going to Olive Garden Friday night for Kyle's birthday dinner. Let me know if you're coming so I can get a big enough table."
  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'm 27, and it IRKS me to no end when someone doesn't RSVP.

    I think that an RSVP should fit the formality of the invitation. If you got one on paper- respond how the invite asks you to, whether that is on paper as well or by phone. If you got invited verbally, respond verbally. Invited over facebook, respond via FB or text the person. 

    I just find it annoying not knowing how many people will show up (thus how much food/drink/seats to have), or wondering IF someone is going to show. 
  • RajahBMFD said:
    The RSVP thing runs rampant in my circle too, and it drives me nuts. I think it's often people who have never thrown a properly-hosted party, so they don't understand how much work goes into planning one and how critical it is to have an accurate headcount. Other times they're just dense.
    Ugg. I'm having the opposite problem. I wanted to get RSVP's for our upcoming housewarming to we could accurately judge how much food to get, but DH did not like the idea. He's of the mindset that RSVP's are for formal gatherings only, like weddings. To him, a housewarming wasn't a big enough to deal to warrant RSVP's. So we compromised- we're budgeting for the max and getting food to cover the max. He's also responsible for getting a deep freezer to put in our garage to store leftover food in case we have a ton, and getting additional food if we run out. Apparently some people don't appreciate RSVP's on either end.

    My friends are not great with rsvps, even when it's as easy as clicking an attending box on Facebook. But you can never go wrong with preparing for the max--worst case scenario is you have lots of tasty leftovers!
  • Like @katieinbkln said, Iknind of feel for the brides that come here and post about that stuff. I honestly think they just don't know better. So may people around me have suggested honey funds, B lists, a tiered reception and all sorts of other blunders. No one suggested a cash bar though, they all want free booze, no surprise there.

    I hate the lack of sensitivity to these things though. Until these people throw a response needed party they will probably never understand the importance of RSVPs and proper hosting. And even then, they may not get it.
  • so frustrating!  Some of my college-aged friends are the same way!  honeyfunds, b-listing and C-listing!, throwing their own showers, blergh

    A couple weeks ago, my friend shared with his entire friends list a honeyfund for one of his friends!  This guy was asking his friends to share his honeyfund with everyone, because "his FI is SUCH and amazing person and DESERVES the fairytale honeymoon of her dreams" (I couldn't pass up reading the whole sob story, it was so blurgh)

    FI's coworker friends are also super bad about RSVPing, he's having to hound them for shower RSVPs right now, super uncomfortable for him.
  • afaber24 said:
    Also demanding that an aunt delete her post on my FB wall that included my wedding web site! Her response "Oh its not a big deal, those people understand they're not invited".
    Oh my goodness... I can't imagine!

    A FB friend of mine made a public FB group for her wedding. She invited all her guests to join the group, but of course any of her FB friends (or friends-of-friends) could see the activity. She used it to solicit opinions/advice on colours, dresses, etc (from her guests!!). She also used it to batch-remind people to PM her their addresses as invites were going out soon - the end result of which was that non-tech-savy invitees were posting their mailing addresses on a public FB group! I was completely dumbfounded. I'm not sure what she was thinking... it was like she was trying to use FB like some kind of wedding website/Pinterest hybrid, and asking her guests to give input on the things she posted? I'm still baffled by the whole thing. 
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    Anniversary

  • I've had several of my friends (as well as older families, who really should know better) - insinuate or tell us directly that they expect to be invited to the wedding. Ugh!

    Also, FMIL refuses to consider casual dinner options for our RD (because she doesn't want to look like a cheapo) - so she insists on having it at a nice restaurant, but due to budget constraints, she wants a cash bar, and doesn't understand why that's tacky.

    Confession: I am a late RSVPer...



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  • blabla89 said: I've had several of my friends (as well as older families, who really should know better) - insinuate or tell us directly that they expect to be invited to the wedding. Ugh!


    I have had my ex's mother who has insisted on maintaining a friendship with me after that relationship ended flat out ask me if she can come.  Odd to keep her around, I know - but she is a genuinely sweet person and FI doesn't mind/thinks she sweet too.  Still though, you want to go to the wedding of the girl who dumped your son? Really?  Had a cousin
    tell me she was invited as well.  This is a cousin I haven't talked to in years, who only knows we're getting married because of my status change on Facebook.
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