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Do I not invite my father to my wedding?

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting and I have dilemma regarding my father. I will try to keep it short and to the point. So over the years I have not had a healthy relationship with my parents (they were unhappily married for many years and got divorced a few years back, for some reason they have enjoyed taking out their frustrations for each other on me) my mother not so much but my father constantly even after they divorced. My father has a new girlfriend he would like to bring to the wedding and considering some time has passed since the divorce I felt that was okay and even offered my mother to bring a guest. Needles to say she was very upset he was bringing someone, I explained that she was given the same choice. She was still upset but didn't say much. Then my father tells me he wants to walk in to the reception and be announced with his girlfriend of a year. I kindly explained to him that I didn't feel it was the best decision as I knew my mother would be devastated before even talking to her because of the way she reacting when she found out he was bringing someone. He then accused me of conspiring with my mother about the decision, which I did not speak to her about it, I instead confided in my two younger sisters who also felt it might be a bit to much for my mother to emotional handle that day. My father was very argumentative about he's decision and again stated how everyone is out to get him ( his typical response when he doesn't get his way). I explained that I am trying my hardest to make everyone happy and comprise. My mother didn't want her even at the wedding but I stood up for him and explained he has a right to being someone but I explained to him I felt being announced with her and taking professional pictures of them might me pushing it a bit much and I did not want to see my mother that upset (after my discussion with my father about the issues I did talk to my mother who did flip out and say if that happens she won't come). So after my conversation with my father he then decides because he did not get his way that he would punish me ( he has done this several times in the past when money is involved and he doesn't get what he wants). He originally told fi and myself that he would give us 5k towards the wedding, which is the same amount he have my sister and told my other sister she would receive as well. Well yesterday I asked him about payment to the reception hall as they had not received his payment yet and the wedding is a little less then 3 weeks away. He then proceeds to tell me that has since changed his mind and he will no longer be giving that amount because only 4 of his family members will be there so he will only give me 4k ( his family is very small because no one speaks to each other they constantly fight and the issues are usually about money). How could someone own father do this to them so soon before the wedding? There is not enough time to collect that type of money and I am completely crushed that my own father would treat me this way although I feel I should have know better as he always does this to me ( my college education, when he was divorcing my mother he talked me into getting a cell phone in my name for him and then never paid it for the two years, and then he wanted to move in with fi and myself but not really pay any rent or to contribute to daily chores). My therapist recommend breaking off all ties with my father use to the way he has treated me time and time again. (He did not pull any of this bs at my sisters wedding). So my question is I am so incredibly hurt by this punishment he has decided to place upon me for not getting is way. I know after the wedding I will no longer keep in contact or attempt a relationship with him. Is it wrong of my to just not invite him to the wedding? Thank you for your help I greatly appreciate it

Re: Do I not invite my father to my wedding?

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    I should also mention I am very worried about my father and how he will behave towards my mother. Seeing he can't keep his word ever on issues I don't believe he won't make mean comments to her during our wedding and I'm having severe anxiety about having to see him the day of the wedding
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    He's throwing this fit just because he won't be announced as he enters the reception!? Are your mother and FI's parents being announced? If so I can see that being unfair, but if not he is way out-of-line. So much so that if you did uninvite him I'd be worried he'd show up anyway just to cause a scene. Sorry this is happening to you :(
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    Not inviting a parent to a wedding is a relationship-ending move. Obviously your therapist knows more about this than the internet strangers here, but to me it sounds like the biggest issue to you is that he pulled 1k of his contribution to the wedding, and that is not a reason to sever ties with a parent, even a not-very-good one. So I would invite him, with his girlfriend. As a compromise, I would suggest that no one is announced in. It isn't really necessary and it avoids your dad being hurt that his gf was excluded. If you are worried about him making a scene, you tell the DJ only specific people are permitted to make a toast or use the mic, and that your father is not one of them. Chances are, he will be on his good behavior.
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    Introduce just the B&G and not even the WP and definitely no parents. Seat them at opposite ends of the room. Get pictures separately with each parent. Good luck! As you're three weeks out, can you just charge the balance on your credit cards?
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    jenandgarrettjenandgarrett member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited August 2014
    Sorry I didn't put that I did tell my mother and father that they would walk out separately and each be announced that way. They both said that was fine and are okay with that but obviously my father is not if he wants to now with hold money. It's like a little child who's having a temper tantrum
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    Paragraphs are your friend.

    1) Your parents are divorced. Your mom needs to accept that your father will date other people (she can too!). He has been in a relationship for a year and I'm not surprised he wants to bring his girlfriend to the wedding. Your mom needs to get over this and act like an adult at the wedding.

    2) Parents are not usually part of the introductions. I've literally seen this at one wedding ever (and I've been to dozens). It's usually either just the B&G or the B&G+WP. Explain to your dad you're only doing B&G or B&G+WP announcements. You made a mistake by telling him it was personal (that your mom would be hurt by this). It's not personal. Just tell him you're not introducing any family so you won't be doing that.

    3) About the money... This is a really hard lesson in NEVER counting on money that isn't in your bank account. Plan like you don't have it. This issue comes up all. the. time. I'm really sorry it happened to you, but it's just something you'll have to learn from.

    4) I would not uninvite him. It will end your relationship. Who knows? Maybe you'l want to mend things down the road. If you do this now (over $1K and a new gf), you will not have that chance.
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    Introduce just the B&G and not even the WP and definitely no parents. Seat them at opposite ends of the room. Get pictures separately with each parent. Good luck! As you're three weeks out, can you just charge the balance on your credit cards?
    I was thinking this too. Not sure how many people you are inviting, but if you are in a gives cash crowd you might get enough to pay it down right away. Just to be clear, I am not advocating this as a general wedding financing strategy.
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    Thank you ladies for all your help and views
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    Sorry I didn't put that I did tell my mother and father that they would walk out separately and each be announced that way. They both said that was fine and are okay with that but obviously my father is not if he wants to now with hold money. It's like a little child who's having a temper tantrum
    Just don't have family announcements. This will get rid of all this unnecessary drama. List them in your program as MOB and FOB - separate lines of course.

    If your dad is as tit for tat as you describe, it wouldn't surprise me at all if he grabs his gf at the last second and has her by his side as he walks in. He might even say something to the DJ about adding her name - innocent DJ isn't going to know the difference. 
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    Hello everyone, this is my first time posting and I have dilemma regarding my father. I will try to keep it short and to the point. So over the years I have not had a healthy relationship with my parents (they were unhappily married for many years and got divorced a few years back, for some reason they have enjoyed taking out their frustrations for each other on me) my mother not so much but my father constantly even after they divorced. My father has a new girlfriend he would like to bring to the wedding and considering some time has passed since the divorce I felt that was okay and even offered my mother to bring a guest. Needles to say she was very upset he was bringing someone, I explained that she was given the same choice. She was still upset but didn't say much. Then my father tells me he wants to walk in to the reception and be announced with his girlfriend of a year. I kindly explained to him that I didn't feel it was the best decision as I knew my mother would be devastated before even talking to her because of the way she reacting when she found out he was bringing someone. He then accused me of conspiring with my mother about the decision, which I did not speak to her about it, I instead confided in my two younger sisters who also felt it might be a bit to much for my mother to emotional handle that day. My father was very argumentative about he's decision and again stated how everyone is out to get him ( his typical response when he doesn't get his way). I explained that I am trying my hardest to make everyone happy and comprise. My mother didn't want her even at the wedding but I stood up for him and explained he has a right to being someone but I explained to him I felt being announced with her and taking professional pictures of them might me pushing it a bit much and I did not want to see my mother that upset (after my discussion with my father about the issues I did talk to my mother who did flip out and say if that happens she won't come). So after my conversation with my father he then decides because he did not get his way that he would punish me ( he has done this several times in the past when money is involved and he doesn't get what he wants). He originally told fi and myself that he would give us 5k towards the wedding, which is the same amount he have my sister and told my other sister she would receive as well. Well yesterday I asked him about payment to the reception hall as they had not received his payment yet and the wedding is a little less then 3 weeks away. He then proceeds to tell me that has since changed his mind and he will no longer be giving that amount because only 4 of his family members will be there so he will only give me 4k ( his family is very small because no one speaks to each other they constantly fight and the issues are usually about money). How could someone own father do this to them so soon before the wedding? There is not enough time to collect that type of money and I am completely crushed that my own father would treat me this way although I feel I should have know better as he always does this to me ( my college education, when he was divorcing my mother he talked me into getting a cell phone in my name for him and then never paid it for the two years, and then he wanted to move in with fi and myself but not really pay any rent or to contribute to daily chores). My therapist recommend breaking off all ties with my father use to the way he has treated me time and time again. (He did not pull any of this bs at my sisters wedding). So my question is I am so incredibly hurt by this punishment he has decided to place upon me for not getting is way. I know after the wedding I will no longer keep in contact or attempt a relationship with him. Is it wrong of my to just not invite him to the wedding? Thank you for your help I greatly appreciate it
    I should also mention I am very worried about my father and how he will behave towards my mother. Seeing he can't keep his word ever on issues I don't believe he won't make mean comments to her during our wedding and I'm having severe anxiety about having to see him the day of the wedding
    Your therapist probably does know more than we do about the situation, but from what you wrote, I don't think your dad should be uninvited. Unfortunately, you are not the only bride we have had on these boards whose parents promised money and then either backed out or were unable to contribute in the end. I agree with Lia that you seem more angry with your dad over his reduced contribution to the wedding. 

    Has your therapist not taught you any ways to deal with your father? Instead of staying and engaging him in a fight, you could just tell him that you can't speak to him when he is like this and you will see him later. Then leave or hang up the phone. You cannot control other people's behavior but you can control your reactions to other people.

    Also, for future reference, paragraphs are your friend.  I know that TK is wonky lately, so it may not be your fault, but please try.  Thanks!
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    Thanks we thought about not having them announced but fi was hurt his parents wouldn't be announced as he is an only child and they have helped us through the entire wedding. I now know why brides say you can't make everyone happy. Thank you again ladies. My father suggested asked my other family members for the money
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    edited August 2014
    jenandgarrett said: Hello everyone, this is my first time posting and I have dilemma regarding my father. I will try to keep it short and to the point. So over the years I have not had a healthy relationship with my parents (they were unhappily married for many years and got divorced a few years back, for some reason they have enjoyed taking out their frustrations for each other on me) my mother not so much but my father constantly even after they divorced. My father has a new girlfriend he would like to bring to the wedding and considering some time has passed since the divorce I felt that was okay and even offered my mother to bring a guest. Needles to say she was very upset he was bringing someone, I explained that she was given the same choice. She was still upset but didn't say much. Then my father tells me he wants to walk in to the reception and be announced with his girlfriend of a year. I kindly explained to him that I didn't feel it was the best decision as I knew my mother would be devastated before even talking to her because of the way she reacting when she found out he was bringing someone. He then accused me of conspiring with my mother about the decision, which I did not speak to her about it, I instead confided in my two younger sisters who also felt it might be a bit to much for my mother to emotional handle that day. My father was very argumentative about he's decision and again stated how everyone is out to get him ( his typical response when he doesn't get his way). I explained that I am trying my hardest to make everyone happy and comprise. My mother didn't want her even at the wedding but I stood up for him and explained he has a right to being someone but I explained to him I felt being announced with her and taking professional pictures of them might me pushing it a bit much and I did not want to see my mother that upset (after my discussion with my father about the issues I did talk to my mother who did flip out and say if that happens she won't come). So after my conversation with my father he then decides because he did not get his way that he would punish me ( he has done this several times in the past when money is involved and he doesn't get what he wants). He originally told fi and myself that he would give us 5k towards the wedding, which is the same amount he have my sister and told my other sister she would receive as well. Well yesterday I asked him about payment to the reception hall as they had not received his payment yet and the wedding is a little less then 3 weeks away. He then proceeds to tell me that has since changed his mind and he will no longer be giving that amount because only 4 of his family members will be there so he will only give me 4k ( his family is very small because no one speaks to each other they constantly fight and the issues are usually about money). How could someone own father do this to them so soon before the wedding? There is not enough time to collect that type of money and I am completely crushed that my own father would treat me this way although I feel I should have know better as he always does this to me ( my college education, when he was divorcing my mother he talked me into getting a cell phone in my name for him and then never paid it for the two years, and then he wanted to move in with fi and myself but not really pay any rent or to contribute to daily chores). My therapist recommend breaking off all ties with my father use to the way he has treated me time and time again. (He did not pull any of this bs at my sisters wedding). So my question is I am so incredibly hurt by this punishment he has decided to place upon me for not getting is way. I know after the wedding I will no longer keep in contact or attempt a relationship with him. Is it wrong of my to just not invite him to the wedding? Thank you for your help I greatly appreciate it





    I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel because my dad did this, too.  It sucks.  It really, really sucks.  Our relationship has always been rocky, so when he promised any $$ at all, I was shocked.  However, I had read stories like this overandoverandoverandover on TK and in the back of my mind, I knew he could possibly pull a stunt like this.  I didn't think he would, not for my
    wedding, but he did.  He gave me about 2/3 of the promised amount, and (months later) when I mentioned the rest, he said he would pay it as soon as my mom matched his contribution.  (She had already given me $ but that is none of his business) So I told him I wasn't going to be in the middle of it if he wanted it to be a competition and to forget it.  Yes, it sucks.  Yes, it has put me in a bind because I needed that remaining $$.  But I knew it was a possibility so I've cut anything that can possibly be cut at this point.  

    I'm not posting this to say "I listened to everyone's advice and you should have, too", but just so maybe another lurker or two will see that it DOES happen, even when you think/hope it won't.  Hope for the best, plan for the worst.  Don't count on any $ until it is IN YOUR HANDS.  
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    I speak from experience when I say that not inviting a parent is a relationship-ending move.  It happened to my friend and it's happening now to FI. We are not inviting his mother and he is fully prepared for the fact that she may never speak to him again. Only you can make that decision. 

    If you have already decided that post-wedding you want nothing to do with him then there's not much point in putting up with this for your wedding now. I would have a very hard time taking someone's money for our wedding knowing full well I had no intention on speaking to them afterward. Your father threatening to pull his money if he doesn't get his way is petty but it's his money and that's his right.

    Your mother does really need to accept that they are divorced and both free to date but that's something she'll have to get to at her own pace I suppose. It is not your responsibility to navigate that stream- introducing your father and his gf at the reception isn't a personal affront to your mother even if that's how she's taking it. 

    At almost every wedding I've been to, the parents are introduced at the reception.  It's a choice though and not a necessity. You can introduce just the wedding party and you and FI or just you and FI, there really isn't a rule that you're breaking if you choose to skip the parents completely. 
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    Thank you PineapplePopsicles and you are all correct I should not have counted as money till it was in my hand. That was extremely foolish of me. I just never thought he would do this considering he gave the full amount to my sister for her wedding as he said he would for ours. It's not really about the money and I'm sorry if it came across that way. It's the fact that he's trying to punish me because he did not get what he wanted that hurts so much.
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    Thanks we thought about not having them announced but fi was hurt his parents wouldn't be announced as he is an only child and they have helped us through the entire wedding. I now know why brides say you can't make everyone happy. Thank you again ladies. My father suggested asked my other family members for the money


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    Wait, so your dad suggested that you pan handle other family members for money? 

    No. Bad advice. Asking for money is always rude. You booked the venue without cash in hand and it's your responsibility to figure it out. If people OFFER, you can take them up. But it's never ok etiquette wise to ask for money. Might mean you eat a shit load of Ramen for the next month, but that's part of the lesson learned.

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    It sounds like you need/ want that 4-5k for your wedding--- if you don't invite your father, why would you expect to still receive that money?

    Anyway, I agree with PP. Your wedding that's three weeks away is not the time to make a stand like this. If you need to distance yourself after the wedding, you can do so without permanently damaging your relationship further.  
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    lilacck28lilacck28 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2014
    ETA: you're upset that your father is punishing you by withholding $1,000 for not doing exactly as he wants. But by not inviting him to your wedding by not doing exactly what you want (getting the full 5k) you will be doing the same. It would be engaging in the same type of tit for tat punishment that you've experienced growing up, and I don't think will help you have a healthier relationship or make you feel good about your decisions in the long run. Don't repeat his mistakes and bad practices.  
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    Thanks for all the responses. Those who have dealt with the same issues how did handle him walking down the isle and dancing with him? I feel as though I might start crying
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    First, you don't HAVE to have a father/ daughter dance or have him walk you down the aisle, but if that is what you've been planning and since he HAS contributed to the wedding, I would imagine it could cause an issue to back out of doing those things. 

    I haven't been through the same but I would imagine:

    -when you walk down the aisle, look at your future husband. Think about your future husband! Feel that bliss!
    - and for a father daughter dance... pick a really short song, or have the dj/ band/ someone manning the ipod fade out or stop the song fairly quickly. 
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    Lilacck28 thank you that's a wonderful idea. Martha1818 we would never ask anyone for the money. It is our responsibility to find a way to come up with the rest.
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    I would not let your dad walk you down the aisle. Have you already told him that you would allow him to do that? Perhaps you can walk in with your FI. Tell your dad that you and FI want to walk in together to fully acknowledge that you are both willingly walking into marriage together. _________________________________________________________ Also, for introductions, since your FI's parents would like one. Why not have them all seated at their tables and the DJ announce them while they are at their tables. I have never been to a wedding where the parents weren't introduced, so I know where you are coming from with that. ____________________________________________________ Try to pick an up beat song to dance to your dad with. It could help it go faster. ETA: TK eating paragraphs again.
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    So sorry you're having to deal with this nonsense so close to the wedding. If you identify as a Christian, I'd recommend the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.

    It sounds like you've had to be an intermediary frequently and it's not fair to you. PPs have given great advice on how to manage the wedding day, the only thing I wanted to add is that you could plan rational answers for the sticky situations that are likely to come up. Have rational responses when your parents ask why they are sitting somewhere (We planned the seating chart so each table was related or had something in common), why you are doing pictures a certain way (We're following our photographer's list of shots so that we get a good variety), and so on. It will help you to have already decided on these answers and if you deliver them in a calm, not-budging way, hopefully that will keep your parents from feeling like they can keep hammering at your emotions to get their ways. 
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    If you no longer feel comfortable walking down the aisle with your father, or having a father-daughter dance, just don't do either of those things.  But your dad is giving you some money for this wedding, so it would be reasonable to give into some of his demands.  Him "getting" to bring his gf of a year isn't a demand - that's just good etiquette.  Also, be aware that if you don't have all of the $4k yet, and then you tell him he's no longer walking you down the aisle, the chances of you receiving that money are pretty slim.

     

    I didn't announce parents at all, but if you must, you can announce the "father of the bride, escorted by his date so-and-so" and just be done with it. Your mother could be escorted in by someone as well, like an uncle, or if you have a brother who isn't in the WP.  She can be announced as the "mother of the bride, escorted by whoever."  I'd skip that whole mess personally.  and if i thought i'd lose it while my dad walked me down the aisle, i'd cut that too.

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    Thanks for all the responses. Those who have dealt with the same issues how did handle him walking down the isle and dancing with him? I feel as though I might start crying
    @jenandgarrett Maybe this is going to make me sound like a horrible daughter, but I still haven't decided if I want my dad to walk me down the aisle or not.  Money or not.  We haven't discussed it, I haven't asked him, it hasn't been mentioned to or around him.  That is something I need to decide pretty soon, as I only have 52 days left...  and we are probably not doing any of the spotlight dances.  We've always had a rocky relationship, so I've never dreamed of being "daddy's little girl" and of him walking me down the aisle, etc..  But I am torn on a decision because I don't want to regret it in the future and I know that he will be hurt if I don't ask him.  So, I totally get it.  

    Almost every bride cries walking down the aisle & during the f/d dance... so you just have to decide "why" you're crying.  If it is because he has hurt you and you're upset about your relationship, then skip those things and make other plans.  If it is because you're overwhelmed with emotions and you love your dad and can't believe you're marrying your FI, then you're normal :)

    Because I'm in a very similar situation, I can relate to how your feeling and I hope you don't feel like your feelings have been minimized, or made to feel like you shouldn't be upset "over $1,000".  Because when you put it that way, it does sound petty.  But, while it isn't about the money, it IS about what the money represents... just one more broken promise from the person who is supposed to love you and never let you down.  It sucks. I hope you don't feel like you're being petty because you're "upset over $1,000" because it is so much more than that.
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    So sorry you're having to deal with this nonsense so close to the wedding. If you identify as a Christian, I'd recommend the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.

    It sounds like you've had to be an intermediary frequently and it's not fair to you. PPs have given great advice on how to manage the wedding day, the only thing I wanted to add is that you could plan rational answers for the sticky situations that are likely to come up. Have rational responses when your parents ask why they are sitting somewhere (We planned the seating chart so each table was related or had something in common), why you are doing pictures a certain way (We're following our photographer's list of shots so that we get a good variety), and so on. It will help you to have already decided on these answers and if you deliver them in a calm, not-budging way, hopefully that will keep your parents from feeling like they can keep hammering at your emotions to get their ways. 
    Thanks for mentioning this - I'm going to look into this for myself.  
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    I just want to say that I'm sorry you're going through this with parents who keep trying to punish you for their own decisions.

    I do think your mother needs to get over the fact that your father wants to bring someone else.  But your father is acting like an immature jerk when it comes to introductions.  That said, your mother could be introduced as "Mother of the Bride, Name and NameofDate" and your father could be introduced as "Father of the Bride, Name and NameofGirlfriend."  But maybe it would be best to not do parent introductions at all if even that is going to be a source of unnecessary drama.
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    So sorry you're having to deal with this nonsense so close to the wedding. If you identify as a Christian, I'd recommend the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.

    It sounds like you've had to be an intermediary frequently and it's not fair to you. PPs have given great advice on how to manage the wedding day, the only thing I wanted to add is that you could plan rational answers for the sticky situations that are likely to come up. Have rational responses when your parents ask why they are sitting somewhere (We planned the seating chart so each table was related or had something in common), why you are doing pictures a certain way (We're following our photographer's list of shots so that we get a good variety), and so on. It will help you to have already decided on these answers and if you deliver them in a calm, not-budging way, hopefully that will keep your parents from feeling like they can keep hammering at your emotions to get their ways. 
    Even if you're not Christian, this book is great.  My Aunt, who is staunchly atheist and hates anything church/Christian related read it and it helped her a lot.  My Grandmother is totally BSC and narcissistic, and she's really poisoned our family through multiple generations.  I actually haven't talked to her in a few years, and she ignores me at family events, even though I give her a hug and ask how she is.  I just didn't see the need to continue a relationship with someone who is so toxic.  I'm a lot happier for it, and I'm so glad I'm not on her emotional roller coaster any more.  In fact, her trivial digs at me and my mom are so comical we laugh about them (like the time she made crocheted slippers for everyone but us at Christmas and then announced to the family as she passed them out that she only made them for the Special People that she loves while she dramatically skipped over me and my mom.  It took all I had to keep a straight face.  What is this, kindergarten?).  

    I also accepted a loan from my BSC Grandmother as a teenager, and it was a huge mistake.  She claimed I never paid her back (I did and have all of the cashed check receipts to prove it), and she talked shit about me to the entire family.  I would never take money from her again.  Probably taking any money from your father was a bad idea, although that's water under the bridge.   

    Your wedding is 3 weeks away.  This is a lot of stress to deal with.  DON'T ask any other family members for money, DO cut down any extraneous lifestyle and wedding costs to properly host your guests.  

    You don't have to announce anyone, you don't have to have a Father/Daughter dance. I would still have him walk you down the aisle since he is paying for some of the wedding.  Make sure to place him and your mother at tables in opposite (but equally prominent) places at the reception.  Make sure your mom is surrounded by friends/her family.  She will hopefully be so distracted that she won't have time to hate on your father.   Do let the DJ know who is (and isn't) allowed to make toasts.  Don't let this ruin your day.  You are marrying the man you love, and you are beginning a new family.  

    You can't control people, but you can control how you respond to them.  It's great that you're going to counseling.  I can see that there's a lot of hurt and resentment in your relationship from the past.  Obviously we don't know the whole story, but if you're trying to mend things, uninviting him will probably make that impossible.  Be the bigger person here.  Anything dramatic Dad does on your wedding day will be obviously petty and will reflect on him, not you.  Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!


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