Is there a way to properly say this?

Simply Fated

I got into talking with my friend (Amy) the other day. Her daughter (Meg) is in dire straits with her family right now. Meg expressed to her mom how her kids have been invited to birthday parties coming up, but have to decline because they can't afford to bring proper gifts. She was afraid her only option was to regift something, which she didn't want to have to do.

Amy went to the store, purchased some general gifts and gave them to Meg to use. Amy didn't want her grandchildren to miss out on attending birthday parties and to her regifting shouldn't be an option.

Which got me thinking. If I was the young birthday girl, OF COURSE I'd want Daisy to attend, even if her family couldn't bring a gift. I would never dream of approaching someone and telling them that, though. Super awkward. But is there a proper etiquette approved way of letting a family know that even if they can't afford to bring a gift, little Daisy is still welcome? I can't think of any way to express that without it coming out extremely rude and offensive.

I guess this question stretches out to any gift giving event, though.

Liatris2010

That's tough. Even if Daisy is more than welcome to attend, maybe she would feel embarrassed if gifts were opened at the party and people realized she didn't bring one?

manateehugger

Liatris2010 said:

That's tough. Even if Daisy is more than welcome to attend, maybe she would feel embarrassed if gifts were opened at the party and people realized she didn't bring one?

Yeah, this was my concern too - I'd worry that Daisy would feel like the odd kid out or have other kids asking where her gift was. 

I'd be tempted to ask Daisy and her parents if they'd like to co-opt a gift with me (the parent) to give to my kid, but I feel like that's still awkward to bring up. Hrrmm..

Maggie0829

I am not sure there is a good way to say something like that.  I fully understand the good intention behind it but saying something good make the person feel embarrassed that you know that they can't afford a gift or that you are expecting gifts and are just saying that no gifts are necessary to make yourself look better.  I just think any way you go it will just not come out the way you really want it to.

Simply Fated

Right? It's such an awkward conversation to have.


Liatris, apparently it's falling out popularity to actually open the gifts at the party. It takes time away from the kids having fun or some horseshit like that. I don't agree with it. At all. Just want to state that for the record, But I happen to know that in Meg's circle, they don't open the gifts at the party anymore.

mysticl

Simply Fated said:

Right? It's such an awkward conversation to have.


Liatris, apparently it's falling out popularity to actually open the gifts at the party. It takes time away from the kids having fun or some horseshit like that. I don't agree with it. At all. Just want to state that for the record, But I happen to know that in Meg's circle, they don't open the gifts at the party anymore.

I spent about 6 weeks working at one of those places that held children's birthday parties.  We had a very strict timeline we made parents follow.  Ninety minutes start to finish.  One hour of activity followed by 30 minutes of either cake and gift opening or cake and food.  Those were the options.  So a lot of times the gifts didn't get opened.  

Liatris2010

If they don't open gifts, then I wouldn't feel badly about sending a kid with a card instead of a gift. I guess I am on the fence about opening the gifts. It teaches kids to accept gifts graciously, but it excludes anyone who can't afford to give one....it would be better if gifts didn't factor into it at all. I'm sure most kids get plenty from them family and don't really need more stuff.

Simply Fated

mysticl said:

Simply Fated said:

Right? It's such an awkward conversation to have.


Liatris, apparently it's falling out popularity to actually open the gifts at the party. It takes time away from the kids having fun or some horseshit like that. I don't agree with it. At all. Just want to state that for the record, But I happen to know that in Meg's circle, they don't open the gifts at the party anymore.

I spent about 6 weeks working at one of those places that held children's birthday parties.  We had a very strict timeline we made parents follow.  Ninety minutes start to finish.  One hour of activity followed by 30 minutes of either cake and gift opening or cake and food.  Those were the options.  So a lot of times the gifts didn't get opened.  

I remember talking about this in another thread with you. I feel like the parent should always factor gifts into it somehow. Birthday parties when I was little always included activities, cake, food and gift opening and was still only 90 minutes. I'm not sure why in that hour and a half the venue you worked for couldn't offer it as a third option.

Then again, kids are nosy and there is always that ONE kid who has to ask, "Daisy, what did you get Johnny for his birthday?" No matter if gifts are being opened there or not.

JellyBean52513

Liatris2010 said:

That's tough. Even if Daisy is more than welcome to attend, maybe she would feel embarrassed if gifts were opened at the party and people realized she didn't bring one?

Sorry to threadjack but this is exactly why I hate the public opening of gifts at a shower. I understand that people will want to see you open the gift they've brought you, but what if the gift I brought you is the $20 bathroom scale off your registry and the gift you go crazy over right before you open mine is a $150 Egyptian cotton bed set? I would be embarrassed. It would also be embarrassing for each gift-giver to be publicly thanked and never heard your name called because you couldn't afford to bring a gift.

If I break any piece of etiquette when I get married, it's going to be this one (assuming a shower is thrown for me).

edited to fix a very confusing typo

RebeccaFlower

JellyBean52513 said:

Liatris2010 said:

That's tough. Even if Daisy is more than welcome to attend, maybe she would feel embarrassed if gifts were opened at the party and people realized she didn't bring one?

Sorry to threadjack but this is exactly why I hate the public opening of gifts at a shower. I understand that people will want to see you open the gift they've brought you, but what if the gift I brought you is the $20 bathroom scale off your registry and the gift you go crazy over right before you open mine is a $150 Egyptian cotton bed set? I would be embarrassed. It would also be embarrassing for each gift-giver to be publicly thanked and never heard your name called because you couldn't afford to bring a gift.

If I break any piece of etiquette when I get married, it's going to be this one (assuming a shower is thrown for me).

edited to fix a very confusing typo

I think people should open gifts at parties, but I think it's up to the gift receiver to be gracious. I saw this at a shower. My mom and I pitched in for a KitchenAid and the bride was so excited and said it was her #1 registry item! I get she was trying to be nice, but it was awkward when she wasn't nearly as thrilled for everything else.

Simply Fated

As grown ass adults we shouldn't be keeping tabs on how much other people spent on a gift. Kids opening gifts is good practice for adulthood when we're more aware of budgetary issues.


Having said that, I still feel bad for Daisy. Does she bean dip the nosy kid?

Liatris2010

I feel like adults should be mature enough to not make judgements about the types of gifts other people can afford, or at least have the tact to keep it to themselves. Kids, not so much, depending on how young.

mysticl

Simply Fated said:

mysticl said:

Simply Fated said:

Right? It's such an awkward conversation to have.


Liatris, apparently it's falling out popularity to actually open the gifts at the party. It takes time away from the kids having fun or some horseshit like that. I don't agree with it. At all. Just want to state that for the record, But I happen to know that in Meg's circle, they don't open the gifts at the party anymore.

I spent about 6 weeks working at one of those places that held children's birthday parties.  We had a very strict timeline we made parents follow.  Ninety minutes start to finish.  One hour of activity followed by 30 minutes of either cake and gift opening or cake and food.  Those were the options.  So a lot of times the gifts didn't get opened.  

I remember talking about this in another thread with you. I feel like the parent should always factor gifts into it somehow. Birthday parties when I was little always included activities, cake, food and gift opening and was still only 90 minutes. I'm not sure why in that hour and a half the venue you worked for couldn't offer it as a third option.

Then again, kids are nosy and there is always that ONE kid who has to ask, "Daisy, what did you get Johnny for his birthday?" No matter if gifts are being opened there or not.

You would have to ask the owner that question.  I really didn't care.  It was a crappy job and that's why I only stayed 6 weeks.  I will say that when we had food and cake there wasn't time for gift opening too, unless you took it away from the activities and those activities were one of the major reasons people were paying us over $300 to hold their party there.  And there was absolutely no wiggle room on time.  When you hold a party in your own home you may schedule it for 90 minutes but it's no big deal if it goes over.  We couldn't let parties go over, we would start pushing everyone out the door.  

I went to a party that was held in a different type of venue and the kids (twins) were being slow opening the gifts. So the staff started grabbing the gifts, opening them, holding them up to be seen, and then putting them away.  They were also on a time crunch to get everyone out.  

JellyBean52513

Simply Fated said:

As grown ass adults we shouldn't be keeping tabs on how much other people spent on a gift. Kids opening gifts is good practice for adulthood when we're more aware of budgetary issues.


Having said that, I still feel bad for Daisy. Does she bean dip the nosy kid?

Nosy Joe: What did YOU get??
Daisy: Why?
Nosy Joe: Cuz... just askin'
Daisy: It's a surprise.

or

Nosy Joe: What did YOU get??
Daisy: My mommy taught me that other people's presents are none of my business. 

Simply Fated

I totally plan on teaching my future kids the art of bean dipping.

MandyMost

I'm still stuck on the fact that she couldn't afford a "proper" gift. You don't have to spend a lot to have a good gift. Never mind handmade stuff, you could get some stuff from the dollar store. I realize for some people even $5 is a lot to spend, but that should be perfectly acceptable gifts for a kid's friend. 

Liatris2010

JellyBean52513 said:

Simply Fated said:

As grown ass adults we shouldn't be keeping tabs on how much other people spent on a gift. Kids opening gifts is good practice for adulthood when we're more aware of budgetary issues.


Having said that, I still feel bad for Daisy. Does she bean dip the nosy kid?

Nosy Joe: What did YOU get??
Daisy: Why?
Nosy Joe: Cuz... just askin'
Daisy: It's a surprise.

or

Nosy Joe: What did YOU get??
Daisy: My mommy taught me that other people's presents are none of my business. 

Daisy is so smart! Especially for her age. Way to handle that awkward question gracefully.

Simply Fated

MandyMost said:

I'm still stuck on the fact that she couldn't afford a "proper" gift. You don't have to spend a lot to have a good gift. Never mind handmade stuff, you could get some stuff from the dollar store. I realize for some people even $5 is a lot to spend, but that should be perfectly acceptable gifts for a kid's friend. 

Proper as opposed to regifting her own children's things, which is what Meg was planning on doing. Spending even $5 isn't an option for a gift. I only used the word "proper" out of lack of a better term. Maybe appropriate would be a better term? Or I should have left that term out altogether.
If I were the birthday girl (or even the mom of the birthday kid) I wouldn't care if the gift was a regift (as a kid I probably wouldn't have even noticed lol) but not everyone thinks that way.

novella1186

I think the best way to handle it is to put on the invite that gifts are not necessary. If it's a kid's birthday, people will bring gifts anyway, but those who can't won't feel so bad. I specifically asked people not to bring gifts to our engagement party and most people did anyway. If you single the family out and approach them individually on the topic, it would probably embarrass them, even though the intentions are good. 

mrsmagicgeek

Liatris2010 said:

If they don't open gifts, then I wouldn't feel badly about sending a kid with a card instead of a gift. I guess I am on the fence about opening the gifts. It teaches kids to accept gifts graciously, but it excludes anyone who can't afford to give one....it would be better if gifts didn't factor into it at all. I'm sure most kids get plenty from them family and don't really need more stuff.

That last bit was very true for my kid. For her friend parties, she and I would always pick a charity and ask for stuff for them instead. Rescue missions and women's shelters always went well because kids would bring "gently used" stuff like winter hats, gloves etc that no longer fit them, or canned goods. Humane society always went over well too, as they love paper towels, older towels, and so on.