I want my ex to ditch my name

GBCK

jonathonsbride said:

JasperandOpal said:

I am confused, you have had a relationship with this guy for 28 years but he has a four year old with another woman who he was married to?  That is complex.

Also, if he has been paying child support etc and is listed on the birth certificates for those children and the children are over 2, many states will not allow him to deny his parentage.  As in, even if the DNA proved they were not his, they would still be considered his by the state.  This might hurt him if he tries to deny it but it might also benefit him if he can use it to gain a little more control over the children and get the court to stop his exes from denying that the children are his.  

If his exes are brain washing the children, maybe its time he stepped up and moved for sole custody.  If everything is as you describe, those women should not be the primary care parent for those children (such as the four year old being told s/he was abused by the dad, that is dangerous and will have huge impacts on their long term relationships with adults and males).  He needs to think about what he can do to protect his children.

We have known each other for 28 years.  We lost touch several times over the years.  During one of those times he met and married wife #1.  Shortly after they were "together" he found out she was cheating on him and was having the bf move in with them.  They separated but remained living together for their daughter and due to finances.  Shortly after the bf moved in she announced she was pregnant.  That is how it is unknown if the son is his or not.  We ran into each other 9 years ago and had tried several times to be together but things always got in the way.  Three days before we found out I was pregnant with our first daughter we met wife #2 and he left me for her.  All during the pregnancy he tried leaving her but she would have none of it.  They married a month and a half after our daughter was born.  He had left wife #2 several times during the marriage but she always conned him into going back.  She had a child in 2010 and claimed it was his.  A year later he left her again and we tried again to be together which is when we conceived our second daughter.  Wife #2 found out we were having a baby and talked him into going back one last time.  Shortly before our daughter was born wife #2 got pregnant again and claimed that child was his as well.  It is suspected that neither of her girls are his because she has cheated on him since the night they met.  In Wisconsin, where wife #2 lives, if a woman conceives a child it is automatically assumed the child is the husband's even if it is not.  She has done everything she can to keep us apart and will stop at nothing to continue to make our lives hell.  Most of you may think I am no better than her for continuing to have anything to do with him and having a second child with him and that is fine.  We love each other and are finally getting a real chance to be together and that is what is important to us.

As for him trying to protect the children of wives #1 and #2, he can't do anything about it.  Most states are now "A woman's state" where the mother gets the most rights.  We also cannot prove they are doing anything wrong because wife #1 has zero contact with DH and refuses to let the children have any contact with him.  The courts have even said that there is nothing they can do unless he takes her back to court.  Wife #2 does everything on the phone or in person so there is no written proof of her wrongdoings.  He also will never be able to get custody of her girls because he has a domestic assault charge on his record because of her.  Yes, our lives are messed up and some say we should not be together but it is what it is.

I'm confused, is there some genetic anomaly that has since the beginning of this, prevented him from getting a DNA test?

dharmabunny

Deity help me. Four men, four wimmen, yo.

I don't know who this whole cluster speaks to more...

mrsconn23

Do all y'all work for Hobby Lobby and that's why there's no birth control involved here? ( <<---that's all I got.)  

Consider my mind bottled. 

badbnagdway

This thread is an excellent audition for Jerry Springer or whatever show does that sort of salacious work these days. 

On a serious note, my mom never changed her name back to her maiden name after she and my dad divorced, and never changed her name to her current husband's name. She wanted to have the same last name as her kids because not having the same last name as your kids can cause problems in certain situations -- like emergency rooms. Makes sense to me. 

6fsn

It kind of sounds like you two were made for each other.

tawillers

I mean, wow.

MegEn1

Who has time to father that many children?!

Kahlyla

He knows he can say 'no' to things, right? Like, he doesn't have to go back to someone - or, you know, marry them - just because they ask (or "con" in this case)?

[Deleted User]

I never changed my last name when I got divorced... ex married his mistress 2 months after our divorce was final.. she had the same FIRST name as me as well... So that made it fun. I never changed it because of being so young I thought well someday chances are I'll change it again.. and being young didn't really have a ton of money and it does cost to get it changed.. as well as going to the SS office to get a new card, getting all your bank stuff changed etc. etc. Didn't really bother me a lot. And I kind of was amused when her friends would FB me trying to add me I then would inform them on how great of person their friend was... yes young and immature. Years later after she left the ex he called to aplogize to me. He told me afew stories of how she would have dr. appoitments and the office staff thinking they had, had a little girl and named her after the mother.. she'd say nope look again. Anyway I dont think it's a big deal. If you are worried about a ex having the same last name don't date someone that's be divorced.

[Deleted User]

I dont like that OP said this --> He had left wife #2 several times during the marriage but she always conned him into going back... Do NOT make it sound like the ex wife's fault.. HE made that choice to stay with her for whatever reason..

PrettyGirlLost

jonathonsbride said:

traditionallyuntraditional said:

This is just out of curiosity but how does he know the first is his if he questions the other three? Did he have a dna test or is he just assuming? If he had a dna test why not dna test the other three? And I just guess this is concern for you aren't you worried that if he gets upset he will try and claim your two aren't his? I mean no offense I just always get concerned for women in this sort of situation.

Wife #1 was faithful at the time of the daughter's conception.  When the son was conceived she had her bf living with them (they were separated) so it is unknown for sure if he is DH's.  Wife #2 has never been faithful.  DH has said he didn't do the DNA tests on those three because he was afraid to find out they are not his but he is starting to come around with all the trouble they have caused.  Wife #2 actually went as far convincing all of DH's friends and family that our oldest was not his.  I paid for a DNA test and proved her wrong.  Since I have always been faithful he knows that our youngest is his.

Jesus, that's why we have DNA testing!  Well this and to catch murders and rapists.

This is also why condoms were invented ><

MuppetOverlord

It really shouldn't matter what the ex's last name is.

I didn't change my last name after I was divorced. I had not been married long and I was embarrassed. It was a painful topic, I didn't want to explain myself to 1000 people why my name changed again. I didn't want to go and change it with every credit card, every loan, every account, insurance, social security, the dmv etc..

If we had kids, I definitely would've kept it until remarrying as I would've liked to have had the same name as my kids.

I was happy to give it up when I remarried.

Seriously, people just need to move on with their lives and get over it.

PrettyGirlLost

GBCK said:

jonathonsbride said:

JasperandOpal said:

I am confused, you have had a relationship with this guy for 28 years but he has a four year old with another woman who he was married to?  That is complex.

Also, if he has been paying child support etc and is listed on the birth certificates for those children and the children are over 2, many states will not allow him to deny his parentage.  As in, even if the DNA proved they were not his, they would still be considered his by the state.  This might hurt him if he tries to deny it but it might also benefit him if he can use it to gain a little more control over the children and get the court to stop his exes from denying that the children are his.  

If his exes are brain washing the children, maybe its time he stepped up and moved for sole custody.  If everything is as you describe, those women should not be the primary care parent for those children (such as the four year old being told s/he was abused by the dad, that is dangerous and will have huge impacts on their long term relationships with adults and males).  He needs to think about what he can do to protect his children.

We have known each other for 28 years.  We lost touch several times over the years.  During one of those times he met and married wife #1.  Shortly after they were "together" he found out she was cheating on him and was having the bf move in with them.  They separated but remained living together for their daughter and due to finances.  Shortly after the bf moved in she announced she was pregnant.  That is how it is unknown if the son is his or not.  We ran into each other 9 years ago and had tried several times to be together but things always got in the way.  Three days before we found out I was pregnant with our first daughter we met wife #2 and he left me for her.  All during the pregnancy he tried leaving her but she would have none of it.  Um, did she lock him in her basement?  I don't think so.  I could have left her at anytime. . .just like he left you for her!  Stop blaming these other women for your FI's shitty behavior.  They married a month and a half after our daughter was born.  He had left wife #2 several times during the marriage but she always conned him into going back.  He left her several times during their marriage?  Sounds like a keeper!  You should definitely have more kids with him.  And again, his 2nd wife didn't con him into anything.  Sounds like he followed his penis to wherever the grass seemed greener at the time.  She had a child in 2010 and claimed it was his.  A year later he left her again and we tried again to be together which is when we conceived our second daughter.  So he divorced his wife and then knocked you up?  Or he was cheating on his 2nd wife with you, and got you pregnant?  Why in the hell would you willingly have children with a man who has no ability to remain committed or monogamous to anyone?!  Wife #2 found out we were having a baby and talked him into going back one last time.  Yeah, once again your FI was an asshole ran off with someone else.  Shortly before our daughter was born wife #2 got pregnant again and claimed that child was his as well.  It is suspected that neither of her girls are his because she has cheated on him since the night they met.  In Wisconsin, where wife #2 lives, if a woman conceives a child it is automatically assumed the child is the husband's even if it is not.  She has done everything she can to keep us apart and will stop at nothing to continue to make our lives hell.  Is that because they are still married or were married at some point while he was sleeping with you?  Most of you may think I am no better than her for continuing to have anything to do with him and having a second child with him and that is fine.  We love each other and are finally getting a real chance to be together and that is what is important to us. Uh huh.  Good luck with that.  I hope for the childrens' sake you stop having kids with this guy, FFS!

As for him trying to protect the children of wives #1 and #2, he can't do anything about it.  Most states are now "A woman's state" where the mother gets the most rights.  Uh no.  Most states don't want to deal with all this drama so custody is split 50/50 unless there is an unequivocal, persistent, documented record of physical or emotional abuse, or the other parent can be absolutely proven to be unfit.  We also cannot prove they are doing anything wrong because wife #1 has zero contact with DH and refuses to let the children have any contact with him.  The courts have even said that there is nothing they can do unless he takes her back to court.  Well yeah, sounds like he just chooses not to do so.  If he was interested in having those kids in his life, he'd go to court over it, period.  Wife #2 does everything on the phone or in person so there is no written proof of her wrongdoings.  He also will never be able to get custody of her girls because he has a domestic assault charge on his record because of her.  Oh so now assault is the other woman's fault too?!  Did he assault her or not?  Yes, our lives are messed up and some say we should not be together but it is what it is.

I'm confused, is there some genetic anomaly that has since the beginning of this, prevented him from getting a DNA test?

Holy.Hell.

PMeg819

Can I get a TL;DR for this mess? Some Cliff Notes?

MegEn1

PMeg819 said:

Can I get a TL;DR for this mess? Some Cliff Notes?

It's ... really worth a read.

GBCK

I attempted the short version but the fuckwittery just made it longer than reading the entire mess

hmonkey

@pmeg819

she is marrying some dude who has a ton of kids with two ex-wives. he doesn't know for sure that the kids are his.

she thinks the important thing is that the ex-wives still have his last name instead of going back to their respective maiden names.