BYOM (Meat)?!?!!?

Bubblegum5586

Just heard a great story!

My friend was invited to a child's 1st birthday party. The facebook invite included:

Suggestions on a gift for her child

BYO drinks (in solo cups only as it is at a public place)

Instead of a birthday card please bring a book and sign that

Bring a side dish to share

BRING YOUR OWN MEAT for the grill

The "host' will be providing birthday cake

theartistformerlyknownas

:-/ Damn.

I mean, a Memorial Day BBQ, sure. But any time you're expected to bring someone a gift, you deserve to be fed and watered. It's not rocket science.

KatieinBkln

Oh dear. Do people really not understand the difference between "Hey friends, let's hang out and eat together; I'll bring the grill, you bring the meat!" and "Please come celebrate {x} occasion"? The former is fine to ask people to bring stuff. The latter is absolutely not.

lyndausvi

Well isn't that special.

Now I've been to bring your own protein and/or side gatherings.  These were not "formal" events (i.e a gathering for say a b-day party).  They were like "hey we are grilling out on Sunday, bring your own protein and we will provide the sides and/or beverages" or whatever. 

My parents and a group of neighbors use to host a neighborhood xmas party.  It was BYOA(ppertizer).   It was awesome because there everyone brought so much food and apps are fun.    My parents provided all the alcohol, paper products and the house (ie. had to clean before and after, had bathrooms for use and seating, etc).

These people in the OP are only providing cake.   CAKE.  Because it's in a park are there any bathrooms?  I guess one needs to bring their own chairs?  Talk about a cheap host.

lurkergirl

Bubblegum5586

Yes I 100% agree that I have no problem bringing a dish to a party if;

A - it is a non gift giving event

B - Was asked nicely from a friend (but not on the actually invite unless it is truly just a potluck type party)

C- Offered because I want to help the host out.

I am throwing a birthday party for H this weekend (also a way to show off our new house without the pressure of having it all ready for an actually "housewarming") Because I have so many friends and family that expect everyone to help them host their parties I am trying my best to show how easy it can be to just host it myself!

A-first this isn't even really gift giving event has no one gives bday gifts at our age - we just want to celebrate with friends and family.

B-I am providing grilled steak and chicken and then ordering a large catered order of penne Alfredo from the place our rehearsal was at (and it is 2 min away)

C-I am buying a few large bottles of wine and a few 30's of beer (it is a Sunday afternoon so we shouldn't need a ton of alcohol) plus water, soda and iced tea.

D- I have had a few people OFFER to being something so I have requested side dishes from those

E-and Ice Cream Cake for H!

Nothing fancy at all but hopefully our guests should feel well hosted

theartistformerlyknownas

bubblegum1309 said:

Yes I 100% agree that I have no problem bringing a dish to a party if;

A - it is a non gift giving event

B - Was asked nicely from a friend (but not on the actually invite unless it is truly just a potluck type party)

C- Offered because I want to help the host out.

I am throwing a birthday party for H this weekend (also a way to show off our new house without the pressure of having it all ready for an actually "housewarming") Because I have so many friends and family that expect everyone to help them host their parties I am trying my best to show how easy it can be to just host it myself!

A-first this isn't even really gift giving event has no one gives bday gifts at our age - we just want to celebrate with friends and family.

B-I am providing grilled steak and chicken and then ordering a large catered order of penne Alfredo from the place our rehearsal was at (and it is 2 min away)

C-I am buying a few large bottles of wine and a few 30's of beer (it is a Sunday afternoon so we shouldn't need a ton of alcohol) plus water, soda and iced tea.

D- I have had a few people OFFER to being something so I have requested side dishes from those

E-and Ice Cream Cake for H!

Nothing fancy at all but hopefully our guests should feel well hosted

...and what time should I be there?

emmyg65

Ugh, I have a friend who does this. You have to bring your own chair too. Hospitality is becoming a lost art.

afox007

The only time we have done this is when we have impromptu BBQ's at the park with FI's friend and his family. Even then I feel like both families end up bringing enough meat to share so everyone gets a little variety and has left overs to take home.

Also I am SICK of this whole sign a book thing! For one I almost never buy cards, so why would I buy a second GIFT in lieu of something I usually don't bother with? 

climbingsingle

Yuck. 

charlottesmom0626

We recently hosted a BBQ...granted we didn't expect gifts because it wasn't a party, but we asked everyone to bring a side and alcohol. We provided meats, buns, and soda....I feel like you aren't truly hosting if you are providing a side (such as cake) and allowing people to grill at your home. May as well told everyone "we are going to dinner, everyone pays for themselves, we will cover the tip"

steph861

I had a friend in elementary school whose birthday party was held in a family-type restaurant and all the kids were expected to bring money from home to pay for their own meals. And, of course, we were expected to bring a gift. That really pissed my parents off.

lyndausvi

bubblegum1309 said:

Yes I 100% agree that I have no problem bringing a dish to a party if;

A - it is a non gift giving event

B - Was asked nicely from a friend (but not on the actually invite unless it is truly just a potluck type party)

C- Offered because I want to help the host out.

I am throwing a birthday party for H this weekend (also a way to show off our new house without the pressure of having it all ready for an actually "housewarming") Because I have so many friends and family that expect everyone to help them host their parties I am trying my best to show how easy it can be to just host it myself!

A-first this isn't even really gift giving event has no one gives bday gifts at our age - we just want to celebrate with friends and family.

B-I am providing grilled steak and chicken and then ordering a large catered order of penne Alfredo from the place our rehearsal was at (and it is 2 min away)

C-I am buying a few large bottles of wine and a few 30's of beer (it is a Sunday afternoon so we shouldn't need a ton of alcohol) plus water, soda and iced tea.

D- I have had a few people OFFER to being something so I have requested side dishes from those

E-and Ice Cream Cake for H!

Nothing fancy at all but hopefully our guests should feel well hosted

Prefect.  

 It' not hard to be a good host.   Even with a chef husband people do not expect to come to our house and get porterhouse steaks with foie gras. 

Food -  It's easy to do something homemade and on the cheap.     Homemade meatballs in the crockpot.  Seriously, doesn't cost much and not all the time consuming.  Then throw on some pasta (hello, every store around the country has a $1 box of pastas on sale at some point).   Heat up some bread and you're good.

Costco has bags of chicken breasts, hamburger and hot dogs for cheap.   Couple of  bags of chips and salsa and you are good.

Costco, grocery stores and delis often have bulk salads, veggie trays, etc.   They are a great economical  for parties.   Sodas, juices and such keep for a long time.  Just pick up some up when on sale and store them for a future party/gathering. 

Booze - we have a pretty stocked liquor cabinet.  No we did not go out one day and buy 100's of dollars worth liquor one day (that would hurt).   Over time we picked up a bottle here and there (often in sale).  Normally before a party we only have to pick up an extra vodka or something and mixers.  Although now we have the soda stream we do not need man of those either.

Paper products - if  you have the space just go to Costco and pick up a big packages of napkins, utensils, cups and paper plates.   There is no rule that everything has to be color coordinated.  It all gets thrown away anyway.   Once you buy them in bulk you will always have them around.  Replace as needed.

It's really not that hard.

levioosa

Here's an etiquette question:

What if you are having an event (say, Father's Day or Thanksgiving) at your house with family members and you ask them to bring soda or a side dish? Is that considered rude?

 In our family my Mom used to fully host every event at our house and spend about $1,500 in food in addition to prepping, cooking and cleaning.  After my Dad's family grumbled for years about what was there (once they even made her go to the store to buy steaks for a brunch because they didn't want what was there) she finally threw in the towel and buys the bare minimum now and asks for people to bring soda and the occasional side dish.  How does the Knot community feel about this?

Inkdancer

Time2strtliving said:

Here's an etiquette question:

What if you are having an event (say, Father's Day or Thanksgiving) at your house with family members and you ask them to bring soda or a side dish? Is that considered rude?

 In our family my Mom used to fully host every event at our house and spend about $1,500 in food in addition to prepping, cooking and cleaning.  After my Dad's family grumbled for years about what was there (once they even made her go to the store to buy steaks for a brunch because they didn't want what was there) she finally threw in the towel and buys the bare minimum now and asks for people to bring soda and the occasional side dish.  How does the Knot community feel about this?

I think if it's family, it's absolutely fine.

PineapplePopsicles

lolo883 said:

bubblegum1309 said:

Yes I 100% agree that I have no problem bringing a dish to a party if;

A - it is a non gift giving event

B - Was asked nicely from a friend (but not on the actually invite unless it is truly just a potluck type party)

C- Offered because I want to help the host out.

I am throwing a birthday party for H this weekend (also a way to show off our new house without the pressure of having it all ready for an actually "housewarming") Because I have so many friends and family that expect everyone to help them host their parties I am trying my best to show how easy it can be to just host it myself!

A-first this isn't even really gift giving event has no one gives bday gifts at our age - we just want to celebrate with friends and family.

B-I am providing grilled steak and chicken and then ordering a large catered order of penne Alfredo from the place our rehearsal was at (and it is 2 min away)

C-I am buying a few large bottles of wine and a few 30's of beer (it is a Sunday afternoon so we shouldn't need a ton of alcohol) plus water, soda and iced tea.

D- I have had a few people OFFER to being something so I have requested side dishes from those

E-and Ice Cream Cake for H!

Nothing fancy at all but hopefully our guests should feel well hosted

...and what time should I be there?

*STUCK*

LOLO make sure you factor in plenty of time to swing by my house and pick me up b/c i'm coming, too!!!

arrippa

Time2strtliving said:

Here's an etiquette question:

What if you are having an event (say, Father's Day or Thanksgiving) at your house with family members and you ask them to bring soda or a side dish? Is that considered rude?

 In our family my Mom used to fully host every event at our house and spend about $1,500 in food in addition to prepping, cooking and cleaning.  After my Dad's family grumbled for years about what was there (once they even made her go to the store to buy steaks for a brunch because they didn't want what was there) she finally threw in the towel and buys the bare minimum now and asks for people to bring soda and the occasional side dish.  How does the Knot community feel about this?

I probably would have done the same thing. Actually, if they were grumbling like that to me, I would stop inviting them.

lyndausvi

Time2strtliving said:

Here's an etiquette question:

What if you are having an event (say, Father's Day or Thanksgiving) at your house with family members and you ask them to bring soda or a side dish? Is that considered rude?

 In our family my Mom used to fully host every event at our house and spend about $1,500 in food in addition to prepping, cooking and cleaning.  After my Dad's family grumbled for years about what was there (once they even made her go to the store to buy steaks for a brunch because they didn't want what was there) she finally threw in the towel and buys the bare minimum now and asks for people to bring soda and the occasional side dish.  How does the Knot community feel about this?

********************   SITB  *******************

I think family holidays can go either way.   But personally I think it's unfair to make one family member always host a big holiday meal.

 My family is too spread out (OOT), so if we do get together it's at one person's home (never mine because its easier for us 2 to travel to them, then everyone coming to us) .  The host normally pays for most if not all of the meal, but we as a family helps out cooking, cleaning, etc.   Last T-day I flew to my sisters.   Kind of hard to bring a dish, but I did go shopping and helped prepare everything with her.

Now my aunt's family switches off who hosts.  There are 6 kids, all married, with kids and some of those kids have kids (all local).   They take turns for xmas eve dinner.  So basically every 6 years it's your turn.  The host gets all the proteins, paper products and beverages (big drinkers).  Everyone else brings a side.   They have been doing this for years.

In your mom's case I think it's fair.  It was clear some people didn't appreciate all she did.  As kids get older, get married and have kids it's starts to get too much.  I think it's only fair to help or switch off hosting so it doesn't all fall on one person/family.

theartistformerlyknownas

Inkdancer said:

Time2strtliving said:

Here's an etiquette question:

What if you are having an event (say, Father's Day or Thanksgiving) at your house with family members and you ask them to bring soda or a side dish? Is that considered rude?

 In our family my Mom used to fully host every event at our house and spend about $1,500 in food in addition to prepping, cooking and cleaning.  After my Dad's family grumbled for years about what was there (once they even made her go to the store to buy steaks for a brunch because they didn't want what was there) she finally threw in the towel and buys the bare minimum now and asks for people to bring soda and the occasional side dish.  How does the Knot community feel about this?

I think if it's family, it's absolutely fine.

For me it breaks down not even by family but by what's being celebrated. Are we being asked to celebrate YOU (or your child/spouse/etc)? Fine, I'll celebrate you but you host me in return. Are we celebrating a holiday and your house just happens to be the one volunteered for us to sit at? Sure, sign me up for baked brie and/or deviled eggs. Is it a rotating game night that we all chose to have? Jalapeno popper dip coming right up.

Now, that said, I'm a total control freak so I don't let people bring things over for holidays because my mom has been known to bring taco salad to a lasagna dinner. No. I had nightmares of her showing up to my Brunchgiving (Thanksgiving brunch the Saturday after) with a potato salad.

Aray82

I was invited to a bring your own meat AND your own grill because the hosts are vegetarians party. At least it didn't come with a gift grab though.

PineapplePopsicles

Aray82 said:

I was invited to a bring your own meat AND your own grill because the hosts are vegetarians party. At least it didn't come with a gift grab though.

Running late, here's how that phone call may work:

You:  "Me & George are stuck in traffic, but we're coming!"

Hosts:  "George?  Who is George?"
You: "Foreman"

ShellD13

Time2strtliving said:

Here's an etiquette question:

What if you are having an event (say, Father's Day or Thanksgiving) at your house with family members and you ask them to bring soda or a side dish? Is that considered rude?

 In our family my Mom used to fully host every event at our house and spend about $1,500 in food in addition to prepping, cooking and cleaning.  After my Dad's family grumbled for years about what was there (once they even made her go to the store to buy steaks for a brunch because they didn't want what was there) she finally threw in the towel and buys the bare minimum now and asks for people to bring soda and the occasional side dish.  How does the Knot community feel about this?

  Your mom would spend $1,500, prep, clean, and cook and your Dad's family grumbled and forced her to leave and get steaks for them????  I'd say they (Dad's family) are a bunch of inconsiderate asses.  I don't blame her at all for "throwing in the towel" as you say.  Sorry to be blunt but I faced a similar situation with my family and my new motto for family gatherings is if you don't help with meal prep, cleaning, contribute to the cost of the meal/necessary items - KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.  Don't get me wrong everyone is entitled to their opinion but if I've just worked my ass off to host you (and I make sure my guests are properly hosted) and all you can do is complain - I'll be pissed and you better believe I'm not going to make many more special allowances for you going forward.

mysticl

A few years ago DH and I were invited to a New Year's party.  A couple of days before hand I texted the hostess and asked what I could bring (that's how I was raised, you always offer to bring something).  I was told I could bring whatever I wanted and that we had to bring our own drinks because it was BYOB.  That wasn't on the invitation. If I hadn't texted her we would have shown up expecting her to provide everything.  We ended up not going because DH got sick.

Bubblegum5586

lolo883 said:

Inkdancer said:

Time2strtliving said:

Here's an etiquette question:

What if you are having an event (say, Father's Day or Thanksgiving) at your house with family members and you ask them to bring soda or a side dish? Is that considered rude?

 In our family my Mom used to fully host every event at our house and spend about $1,500 in food in addition to prepping, cooking and cleaning.  After my Dad's family grumbled for years about what was there (once they even made her go to the store to buy steaks for a brunch because they didn't want what was there) she finally threw in the towel and buys the bare minimum now and asks for people to bring soda and the occasional side dish.  How does the Knot community feel about this?

I think if it's family, it's absolutely fine.

For me it breaks down not even by family but by what's being celebrated. Are we being asked to celebrate YOU (or your child/spouse/etc)? Fine, I'll celebrate you but you host me in return. Are we celebrating a holiday and your house just happens to be the one volunteered for us to sit at? Sure, sign me up for baked brie and/or deviled eggs. Is it a rotating game night that we all chose to have? Jalapeno popper dip coming right up.

Now, that said, I'm a total control freak so I don't let people bring things over for holidays because my mom has been known to bring taco salad to a lasagna dinner. No. I had nightmares of her showing up to my Brunchgiving (Thanksgiving brunch the Saturday after) with a potato salad.

Another great way to sum it up!

And I think I will start a Brunchgiving traditon this year! Love that!

Aray82

PineapplePopsicles said:

Aray82 said:

I was invited to a bring your own meat AND your own grill because the hosts are vegetarians party. At least it didn't come with a gift grab though.

Running late, here's how that phone call may work:

You:  "Me & George are stuck in traffic, but we're coming!"

Hosts:  "George?  Who is George?"
You: "Foreman"

Yes! We actually didn't understand that we were supposed to bring a whole friggin grill because the invitation just said "we are vegetarians so bring your own meat and weapon of choice". So I thought, hmm, utensils? Surely no one would be so silly as to host a Fourth of July BBQ and not provide a grill, vegetarian, or not." But no, we got there and just had to quietly stick our plate of raw burgers in the fridge and hope no one noticed. We were so embarrassed. There were some vegetarian dishes, but not enough protein ones and not nearly enough for for the number of people.

levioosa

lolo883 said:

Inkdancer said:

Time2strtliving said:

Here's an etiquette question:

What if you are having an event (say, Father's Day or Thanksgiving) at your house with family members and you ask them to bring soda or a side dish? Is that considered rude?

 In our family my Mom used to fully host every event at our house and spend about $1,500 in food in addition to prepping, cooking and cleaning.  After my Dad's family grumbled for years about what was there (once they even made her go to the store to buy steaks for a brunch because they didn't want what was there) she finally threw in the towel and buys the bare minimum now and asks for people to bring soda and the occasional side dish.  How does the Knot community feel about this?

I think if it's family, it's absolutely fine.

For me it breaks down not even by family but by what's being celebrated. Are we being asked to celebrate YOU (or your child/spouse/etc)? Fine, I'll celebrate you but you host me in return. Are we celebrating a holiday and your house just happens to be the one volunteered for us to sit at? Sure, sign me up for baked brie and/or deviled eggs. Is it a rotating game night that we all chose to have? Jalapeno popper dip coming right up.

Now, that said, I'm a total control freak so I don't let people bring things over for holidays because my mom has been known to bring taco salad to a lasagna dinner. No. I had nightmares of her showing up to my Brunchgiving (Thanksgiving brunch the Saturday after) with a potato salad.

Good point.  I was just curious because although a lot of speshul snowflakes get confused about tradition and etiquette being two different things, I know they're different and I just wanted to make sure our tradition is etiquette approved. 

PineapplePopsicles

Aray82 said:

PineapplePopsicles said:

Aray82 said:

I was invited to a bring your own meat AND your own grill because the hosts are vegetarians party. At least it didn't come with a gift grab though.

Running late, here's how that phone call may work:

You:  "Me & George are stuck in traffic, but we're coming!"

Hosts:  "George?  Who is George?"
You: "Foreman"

Yes! We actually didn't understand that we were supposed to bring a whole friggin grill because the invitation just said "we are vegetarians so bring your own meat and weapon of choice". So I thought, hmm, utensils? Surely no one would be so silly as to host a Fourth of July BBQ and not provide a grill, vegetarian, or not." But no, we got there and just had to quietly stick our plate of raw burgers in the fridge and hope no one noticed. We were so embarrassed. There were some vegetarian dishes, but not enough protein ones and not nearly enough for for the number of people.

Did they not know that the actual GRILL isn't made of meat?  They're missing out on all kinds of grilled deliciousness - grilled pineapple, for example.  MMM.  

theartistformerlyknownas

Time2strtliving said:

lolo883 said:

Inkdancer said:

Time2strtliving said:

Here's an etiquette question:

What if you are having an event (say, Father's Day or Thanksgiving) at your house with family members and you ask them to bring soda or a side dish? Is that considered rude?

 In our family my Mom used to fully host every event at our house and spend about $1,500 in food in addition to prepping, cooking and cleaning.  After my Dad's family grumbled for years about what was there (once they even made her go to the store to buy steaks for a brunch because they didn't want what was there) she finally threw in the towel and buys the bare minimum now and asks for people to bring soda and the occasional side dish.  How does the Knot community feel about this?

I think if it's family, it's absolutely fine.

For me it breaks down not even by family but by what's being celebrated. Are we being asked to celebrate YOU (or your child/spouse/etc)? Fine, I'll celebrate you but you host me in return. Are we celebrating a holiday and your house just happens to be the one volunteered for us to sit at? Sure, sign me up for baked brie and/or deviled eggs. Is it a rotating game night that we all chose to have? Jalapeno popper dip coming right up.

Now, that said, I'm a total control freak so I don't let people bring things over for holidays because my mom has been known to bring taco salad to a lasagna dinner. No. I had nightmares of her showing up to my Brunchgiving (Thanksgiving brunch the Saturday after) with a potato salad.

Good point.  I was just curious because although a lot of speshul snowflakes get confused about tradition and etiquette being two different things, I know they're different and I just wanted to make sure our tradition is etiquette approved. 

I make that distinction for the special snowflake brides who would say "well it's mostly FAMILY coming to my wedding SO THERE! I'm not sure if there's an actual etiquette rule for get togethers like that but they're night and day from weddings.

theartistformerlyknownas

bubblegum1309 said:

lolo883 said:

Inkdancer said:

Time2strtliving said:

Here's an etiquette question:

What if you are having an event (say, Father's Day or Thanksgiving) at your house with family members and you ask them to bring soda or a side dish? Is that considered rude?

 In our family my Mom used to fully host every event at our house and spend about $1,500 in food in addition to prepping, cooking and cleaning.  After my Dad's family grumbled for years about what was there (once they even made her go to the store to buy steaks for a brunch because they didn't want what was there) she finally threw in the towel and buys the bare minimum now and asks for people to bring soda and the occasional side dish.  How does the Knot community feel about this?

I think if it's family, it's absolutely fine.

For me it breaks down not even by family but by what's being celebrated. Are we being asked to celebrate YOU (or your child/spouse/etc)? Fine, I'll celebrate you but you host me in return. Are we celebrating a holiday and your house just happens to be the one volunteered for us to sit at? Sure, sign me up for baked brie and/or deviled eggs. Is it a rotating game night that we all chose to have? Jalapeno popper dip coming right up.

Now, that said, I'm a total control freak so I don't let people bring things over for holidays because my mom has been known to bring taco salad to a lasagna dinner. No. I had nightmares of her showing up to my Brunchgiving (Thanksgiving brunch the Saturday after) with a potato salad.

Another great way to sum it up!

And I think I will start a Brunchgiving traditon this year! Love that!

It's my life's biggest accomplishment. It was so awesome. I got to see all the family I didn't see on Thanksgiving (we spent it at the club with FI's family) but didn't have to eat ANOTHER big dinner. We had two kinds of quiche (turkey/swiss and spinach/mushroom), pumpkin cream cheese stuffed french toast bake, apple cider sausage pancakes, cranberry eggnog muffins, a brie and pear tart, and a mimosa bar. And it was EPIC.

hellosweetie1015

lolo883 said:

Inkdancer said:

Time2strtliving said:

Here's an etiquette question:

What if you are having an event (say, Father's Day or Thanksgiving) at your house with family members and you ask them to bring soda or a side dish? Is that considered rude?

 In our family my Mom used to fully host every event at our house and spend about $1,500 in food in addition to prepping, cooking and cleaning.  After my Dad's family grumbled for years about what was there (once they even made her go to the store to buy steaks for a brunch because they didn't want what was there) she finally threw in the towel and buys the bare minimum now and asks for people to bring soda and the occasional side dish.  How does the Knot community feel about this?

I think if it's family, it's absolutely fine.

For me it breaks down not even by family but by what's being celebrated. Are we being asked to celebrate YOU (or your child/spouse/etc)? Fine, I'll celebrate you but you host me in return. Are we celebrating a holiday and your house just happens to be the one volunteered for us to sit at? Sure, sign me up for baked brie and/or deviled eggs. Is it a rotating game night that we all chose to have? Jalapeno popper dip coming right up.

Now, that said, I'm a total control freak so I don't let people bring things over for holidays because my mom has been known to bring taco salad to a lasagna dinner. No. I had nightmares of her showing up to my Brunchgiving (Thanksgiving brunch the Saturday after) with a potato salad.

Lolo, I'm throwing a Thursday Party. Bring me baked brie and deviled eggs. Also jalapeno popper dip - what is that and how do I get some of that too?

mschristie123

Ugh gross. There is just something about the idea of bringing raw meat with me somewhere that gives me the heebejeebees. I just dont' like the idea of driving somewhere to a park or wherever with a pack of meat chillin on my passenger seat getting warm.