Premarital Counseling

DanikaMarie0227

Hi ladies! I couldn't figure out what board to post this to so I figured I would ask here. 

FI & I decided that it might be a good idea to look into premarital counseling. The people that I've seen that do it usually do it through their church. However, we don't go to church so I did a (very quick) Google search & saw a couple of things. One was in a group sort of setting (I don't know if this is normal or not) but it was also $500-$700 (Also, is this normal?! because that's a lot)! I also emailed one woman but never received a response.

So I guess my questions are - if not through a church, how do you find a premarital counselor? What's an approx. cost for this? 

Another thought we had was to use health insurance, but that only covers "marriage counseling" so I don't think that counts for premarital...

ShellD13

My church didn't really offer premarital counseling that fit our time line so H and I ended up researching marriage/relationship books on Barnes & Noble and Amazon to find one that worked for our situation and did the book study together in the comfort of our own home.

We ended up with this one because it was my first and H's 2nd marriage and he has 2 children from his first marriage so it hit a lot of highlights for us (managing our relationship, integrating the kids, and unfortunately how to deal with boundaries and protecting your relationship from a former spouse)

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-remarriage-adventure-dale-mathis/1116799164?ean=9781589977211

Some others that might be helpful are...

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/before-you-say-i-do-h-norman-wright/1102938159?ean=9781565076372

http://www.amazon.com/Things-Wish-Known-Before-Married-ebook/dp/B0040891ZS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1408047796&sr=8-1&keywords=premarital+counseling

http://www.amazon.com/Premarital-Counseling-Handbook-Norman-Wright-ebook/dp/B002V1HJF0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1408047817&sr=8-2&keywords=premarital+counseling

http://www.amazon.com/Saving-Marriage-Before-Starts-Before----ebook/dp/B00164WE3K/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1408047837&sr=8-3&keywords=premarital+counseling

ETA: Fix the links

DanikaMarie0227

@ShellD13 - thanks for the recommendations! I will certainly look into those, especially the first as our situations sound similar. My first, FI's 2nd, & 3 kids from previous marriage.

janbride2015

I asked a relative for a referral.  He is in addiction counseling so he knows other counselors.  We have gone once and have another appointment set for next week.  The counselor had different payment scheduels for people paying themselves.  So ask around for recommendations and call and ask about pricing.

mysticl

Counseling is not cheap if you are self pay.  The group counseling rate may have been for a certain number of sessions.  When you are in group counseling you have a responsibility to the group to attend all the sessions so they may bill it as a lump sum to encourage attendance whereas a couples session would be billed per a session. 

I'd call around to the various therapists in your area to see if any of them do couples or premarital counseling.  

luckya23

I suspect the "marriage counseling" has a looser definition than you think, so I would definitely check into that first and foremost!

Maybe don't frame the question as voluntary premarital counseling, just couples counseling.  If you live together, you are already domestic partners.

scrunchythief

We did ours through our church, and it cost $200 for a group, weekend long program, which also included food and 4 or 5 books.  

I would call either your insurance company or a local counselor and check if the insurance for marriage counseling would cover these sessions.  I would certainly hope that they would.  
Another possible option if they don't is to check out if any local colleges have a counseling clinic.  I know some have free or reduced cost counseling to train new counselors/do research, which can be a good low-cost alternative.  Also, my church bulletin advertises sliding fee scale counseling.  It's through Catholic Charities or Catholic Social Services, but in general it's a need based ministry, so you wouldn't have to be Catholic/discuss religion in the sessions.  If you'd be interested and comfortable with that, just google Catholic Charities or Catholic Social Services along with your area.  

One more tip would be to talk openly to a married couple you know about their experiences and advice/things they wish they'd talked about going in.  

Sorry about the book, I just get so excited about people going to pre-marital counseling.  I think it's wonderful and everyone should do it.  If I ruled the world, they'd do some before getting engaged even.  It would've been longer but Shell covered the books already:)

ShellD13

I should add that I wasn't trying to downplay the importance of premarital counseling by talking about doing the study on our own.  But H and I both have seen counselors in the past and are pretty self aware and comfortable talking about stuff together.  If there are any topics that you and your FI think could be difficult to discuss I would highly recommend seeking out a pastor, long term married couple, etc....to be your mentors through the process.  On your own the books will only give you ideas of what to talk about they can't help you resolve differences in communication styles.  

larrygaga

Fi and I have been together for a decade. We rarely ever have problems and we have literally been through just about everything a couple can go through except like kids and cheating. One of the reasons I don't want to marry in a church is because around here the churches will make you do a scan tron test to decide if you are ready. We might go to a marriage counselor but we for sure will get a few books to read up on.

scrunchythief

larrygaga, I can't be sure about your churches, but if you're talking about the FOCUS test, which is commonly used by churches, it's more about seeing what areas of compatibility might cause problems.  Then you can discuss them and help keep them from turning into bigger issues.  I've never heard of someone being told they can't get married because of the test.  (though stranger things have definitely happened).

Not trying to talk you into a church wedding, just that I think some of those tests are actually helpful tools:)  Now if anyone did try to use it as a litmus test on if you're ready for marriage that would not be good.

Also hooray for you guys for doing pre-marital prep even after being together for so long!  I've seen people say they can skip it since they were together for a long time, but length of relationship doesn't always mean the couple has thought about how to deal with all the issues that came come up in marriage.  Good for you guys for being proactive:)

mysticl

The minister who performed our ceremony told DH we had to do at least 2 premarital sessions with him so he could teach us about conflict resolution.  About halfway through session number one he realized that as a Social Worker who used to teach crisis intervention I was going to give him the "right" answer every time and he couldn't really teach me anything it was up to me to use my skills or not.  He signed the paperwork and eliminated the second session.