House guests. Yay.

climbingsingle

That was a sarcastic yay. 

I love entertaining and hosting people. We have friends over all the time for dinners, BBQs, etc. However, I can't stand having house guests. I admittedly have social anxiety and when people stay over our house, I feel like I can't relax. It changes my routine and sometimes I have difficulty with that. I also hate being a house guest in someone else's house. I never feel comfortable. 

Anyway, I've learned to just grit my teeth and get through it. FMIL visits from Florida often. She always stays with us, and it's always for at least a week. I personally don't get it. FMIL is loaded. If I were her, I'd be staying at a fancy hotel and ordering room service every morning. 

So the Wednesday, Thursday and Friday before the wedding, the following people will be staying at our house:

FMIL

FFIL

*****They are divorced*****

FBIL 

And FI's step-grandmother 

We have exactly ONE guest room. We can maybe fit a blow-up mattress in the office. The downstairs bedroom is being used for storage right now. We do have couches downstairs, which is probably where FI and I will end up sleeping. 

We also have exactly ONE full bathroom, as the master bathroom is under construction. There is a half bath downstairs. 

Our wedding venue is an hour and 15 minutes from our house. So, it's not like our house is centrally located to all the events. We all have to be up there Friday night. 

God damn. Have none of these people heard of hotels? 

cupcait927

Oh you are a far better woman than I. I also hate being a guest in someone else's home or hosting guests. Like you, my routine is all off and I can't relax. I can't believe they would want to stay in your home, right before the wedding. Because you won't be busy enough getting things ready for that. I would've been like "nope, no one can stay here unless it's an emergency. you all need to get hotels."

climbingsingle

FMIL never asks if she can stay. It's just always assumed. And this is what I think adds to the problem - this is the house that FI and his brother grew up in. FI bought the house from his parents back in 2000. So, it's pretty much the family house, you know? 

There's a very small chance that FBIL will stay at a hotel. He did that one of the last times he visited. 

Inkdancer

AW HELLZ NAW. You are a much nicer person than I am. I am allowing a few of my closest friends to stay at my house (read: MOH and the girl who's doing all my dress stuff) while I am at a hotel the night before and night of the wedding. But family? Y'all can get hotels, I am not dealing with your drama.

climbingsingle

You guys are making me feel better for being so crazed about this. Thank you. 

climbingsingle

smichek said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

FMIL never asks if she can stay. It's just always assumed. And this is what I think adds to the problem - this is the house that FI and his brother grew up in. FI bought the house from his parents back in 2000. So, it's pretty much the family house, you know? 

There's a very small chance that FBIL will stay at a hotel. He did that one of the last times he visited. 

To the first thing: Yes, but it's not a family hotel. Your FI is now the owner of the house and has a right to say who can stay there and who can't. This is not a normal visit we're talking about, where it might be normal for her to just assume she can stay there. This is your wedding time. You guys will be so busy. How will they all get ready in one bathroom on your wedding day? Were you and/or FI planning to get ready elsewhere? I can't see 4-6 people getting ready in one bathroom working out easily. I'm not saying throw them out, but it's yalls house and you have a right to say "This will just be too busy/hectic of a time for us to have house guests. I am so sorry, but we just can't have six people in the house right now."

To the second thing: I would ask him if this is an option and if maybe he could see about splitting the room with FFIL.

The wedding is on Saturday. We'll all be driving up to the venue on Friday night. Everyone is staying there, thankfully in their own rooms. 

ElcaB

I would never, ever have house guests the week and days prior to my wedding. As a guest, I would also never, ever ask the bride and groom to be to stay at their house the week and days prior to their wedding. 

Good luck & God be with you. 

climbingsingle

smichek said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

smichek said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

FMIL never asks if she can stay. It's just always assumed. And this is what I think adds to the problem - this is the house that FI and his brother grew up in. FI bought the house from his parents back in 2000. So, it's pretty much the family house, you know? 

There's a very small chance that FBIL will stay at a hotel. He did that one of the last times he visited. 

To the first thing: Yes, but it's not a family hotel. Your FI is now the owner of the house and has a right to say who can stay there and who can't. This is not a normal visit we're talking about, where it might be normal for her to just assume she can stay there. This is your wedding time. You guys will be so busy. How will they all get ready in one bathroom on your wedding day? Were you and/or FI planning to get ready elsewhere? I can't see 4-6 people getting ready in one bathroom working out easily. I'm not saying throw them out, but it's yalls house and you have a right to say "This will just be too busy/hectic of a time for us to have house guests. I am so sorry, but we just can't have six people in the house right now."

To the second thing: I would ask him if this is an option and if maybe he could see about splitting the room with FFIL.

The wedding is on Saturday. We'll all be driving up to the venue on Friday night. Everyone is staying there, thankfully in their own rooms. 

Well at least getting ready for the wedding should be smooth then. FI and I struggle to get ready in the bathroom together. I can't imagine six people sharing one bathroom. I would have gone bridezilla. Are all six of yall going to be back at your house the night of the wedding?

Yeah, thankfully the venue is giving us a separate bridal suite to get ready in the morning of. FMIL has already tried including 35 people in the bridal suite and I told her no. 

We're staying at the resort until Monday morning. And then Tuesday we're leaving for our HM. I believe FFIL and FBIL are going back to Florida on Sunday. I think FMIL is leaving Monday or Tuesday. I honestly have no idea. 

I am really looking forward to 10 days in Italy with just FI. 

sarahufl

nope, nope, nope, nope.

No way. That is absurd.

I stayed with my parents the week before my wedding. They have 4 beds, 3 full baths and with me, H and my siblings, it got full. We checked into the hotel on Thursday to free up space.

Tell them to get a hotel. Unless they literally cannot afford it, which does not sound like an issue.

climbingsingle

scribe95 said:

I love hosting guests. 
But if you only have one guest bedroom and a blowup you needed to say no to a few of these folks. Why didn't you?

I wasn't really given the option to say no. Everyone just assumes. And FI has always let his family stay whenever they want. 

AprilH81

ClimbingBrideNY said:

scribe95 said:

I love hosting guests. 
But if you only have one guest bedroom and a blowup you needed to say no to a few of these folks. Why didn't you?

I wasn't really given the option to say no. Everyone just assumes. And FI has always let his family stay whenever they want. 

Then FI needs to put his foot down.  "Dad/Mom you know that normally you are very welcome to stay with us when you are in town, but I need you to make other arrangements for this trip.  There will be so much going on before the wedding that we just can't deal with having house guests."

NYCMercedes

What she said^^^^^. No way would I want extra work if I were the bride. Just remember to take care of yourself first. Stock the house with food and let them take care of themselves if they insist upon staying.

climbingsingle

NYCMercedes said:

What she said^^^^^. No way would I want extra work if I were the bride. Just remember to take care of yourself first. Stock the house with food and let them take care of themselves if they insist upon staying.

Yeah, these people are fending for themselves. I'm not cooking! I plan on talking to FI tonight about it. It honestly didn't all hit me until this morning that all these people are staying with us. 

beethery

Thirty-five people in the bridal suite. Is this bitch for real?????? I would lose my mind.

lyndausvi

Meh, different strokes for different folks. I come from a large family where it's almost an insult if you do NOT stay with family. I have fond memories of 34 us at staying at my parents house for my first communion in Va (everyone lived in DE). I have fond memories of staying at my aunt's house whenever we came into town. There would be some 12 of us all using 1 shower. They at least had a half-bath. Visiting my parents means there are normally some 14 plus people there. It's just something we do and actually enjoy.

Granted we had a huge house, but 18 people stayed with me the night before and the wedding night. My sister's wedding there were about 15 the night before at my parent's house. About the 19 the night of the wedding.

 Not to be mean, but stop being passive aggressive. Either embrace they are coming or tell them they are not invited.

climbingsingle

lyndausvi said:

Meh, different strokes for different folks. I come from a large family where it's almost an insult if you do NOT stay with family. I have fond memories of 34 us at staying at my parents house for my first communion in Va (everyone lived in DE). I have fond memories of staying at my aunt's house whenever we came into town. There would be some 12 of us all using 1 shower. They at least had a half-bath. Visiting my parents means there are normally some 14 plus people there. It's just something we do and actually enjoy.

Granted we had a huge house, but 18 people stayed with me the night before and the wedding night. My sister's wedding there were about 15 the night before at my parent's house. About the 19 the night of the wedding.

 Not to be mean, but stop being passive aggressive. Either embrace they are coming or tell them they are not invited.

How exactly am I being passive aggressive? 

scrunchythief

@ClimbingBrideNY, That seriously seriously sucks.  I never would've said yes myself, and I think you should try to see if they would stay else wheres.  However, if they do end up all coming, I wouldn't even consider giving up your bed.  You shouldn't have to sleep on a couch the night before your wedding because other people were rude enough to ask to stay.  Maybe tell them they'd get the couch and see if they make other plans?  

@smicheck, I am freaking out over the situation you described with FFIL.  What. The. Crap?  Apart from our priest at Mass the next day, DH and I didn't see another person we knew until nearly two weeks after the wedding (not counting work after returning from HM). I woudn't have been cool with a day trip the day after the wedding, with or without (wft?!) me.  Especially since we (mostly) waited too.  If it wasn't for church and driving down to VA for the HM, I don't think we would've left our room.  I personally don't think you guys should go to Nashville  or let FFIL stay over at all.  Why is FI saying ok to stuff like this?

scrunchythief

lThanks smicheck.  Sorry about that, Climbing Bride.  After reading the later responses about the guests just assuming they can say, I definitely think FI needs to tell them no.  Maybe, if you guys have time, find some hotel suggestions that might work for them?

raissyrais

Climbing Bride, you are so much better than I would ever be in this situation. I'd be like "get the hell out of my house"!

levioosa

AprilH81 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

scribe95 said:

I love hosting guests. 
But if you only have one guest bedroom and a blowup you needed to say no to a few of these folks. Why didn't you?

I wasn't really given the option to say no. Everyone just assumes. And FI has always let his family stay whenever they want. 

Then FI needs to put his foot down.  "Dad/Mom you know that normally you are very welcome to stay with us when you are in town, but I need you to make other arrangements for this trip.  There will be so much going on before the wedding that we just can't deal with having house guests."

Agreed.  This is ridiculous.  Who imposes like this the day before a couple gets married?!  It should be freaking obvious that you guys will probably be running around like chickens with your heads cut off trying to get things in order.  You shouldn't have to entertain on top of it. That's so rude.

 It is also good to get a start on boundaries.  Yes, it was the family house.  No, that does not give the previous owners (his parents) the ability to walk all over you guys and bust in whenever they feel like it, especially now that you will be married.  I think what gets me is that they assume you guys will put them up and they never ask.  Regardless of your current financial situation, house guests still take up a lot of time, effort and money, and 9/10 times they are [somewhat] of an inconvenience.  You are totally within your rights to make it clear to FI that this is not acceptable behavior.  

steph861

ClimbingBrideNY said:

smichek said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

smichek said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

FMIL never asks if she can stay. It's just always assumed. And this is what I think adds to the problem - this is the house that FI and his brother grew up in. FI bought the house from his parents back in 2000. So, it's pretty much the family house, you know? 

There's a very small chance that FBIL will stay at a hotel. He did that one of the last times he visited. 

To the first thing: Yes, but it's not a family hotel. Your FI is now the owner of the house and has a right to say who can stay there and who can't. This is not a normal visit we're talking about, where it might be normal for her to just assume she can stay there. This is your wedding time. You guys will be so busy. How will they all get ready in one bathroom on your wedding day? Were you and/or FI planning to get ready elsewhere? I can't see 4-6 people getting ready in one bathroom working out easily. I'm not saying throw them out, but it's yalls house and you have a right to say "This will just be too busy/hectic of a time for us to have house guests. I am so sorry, but we just can't have six people in the house right now."

To the second thing: I would ask him if this is an option and if maybe he could see about splitting the room with FFIL.

The wedding is on Saturday. We'll all be driving up to the venue on Friday night. Everyone is staying there, thankfully in their own rooms. 

Well at least getting ready for the wedding should be smooth then. FI and I struggle to get ready in the bathroom together. I can't imagine six people sharing one bathroom. I would have gone bridezilla. Are all six of yall going to be back at your house the night of the wedding?

Yeah, thankfully the venue is giving us a separate bridal suite to get ready in the morning of. FMIL has already tried including 35 people in the bridal suite and I told her no. 

We're staying at the resort until Monday morning. And then Tuesday we're leaving for our HM. I believe FFIL and FBIL are going back to Florida on Sunday. I think FMIL is leaving Monday or Tuesday. I honestly have no idea. 

I am really looking forward to 10 days in Italy with just FI. 

Why would she think ANYBODY would want to get ready for their wedding with that many people around?! 

theycallmelinz

I've never understood people wanting/asking to stay with the couple before the wedding. Like you don't have 23724723 other things to deal with. I was a BM in my MOH's wedding this past weekend, and EVERYONE who came to the wedding had to either fly or drive hours out there because MOH's now-husband is in the military and they just got stationed there a year ago, way away from where either of them are from. 2 weeks before the wedding, MOH's H's M, F, B, SIL, and their 3 children flew into town and stayed with them that entire week. They left and got a hotel, and then MOH's M, B, SIL, and THEIR 3 small children came in and stayed with them the entire week of the wedding up until the day before. Girl was a nervous wreck by the day of the wedding. 

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I agree with PPs, tell them you just can't accomodate that many people. Personally I'd make my FI do it because it's his family and I hate confrontations lol

holyguacamole79

Good luck, OP.  There's no way I could do this.

lyndausvi

lulu411 said:

I've never understood people wanting/asking to stay with the couple before the wedding. Like you don't have 23724723 other things to deal with. I was a BM in my MOH's wedding this past weekend, and EVERYONE who came to the wedding had to either fly or drive hours out there because MOH's now-husband is in the military and they just got stationed there a year ago, way away from where either of them are from. 2 weeks before the wedding, MOH's H's M, F, B, SIL, and their 3 children flew into town and stayed with them that entire week. They left and got a hotel, and then MOH's M, B, SIL, and THEIR 3 small children came in and stayed with them the entire week of the wedding up until the day before. Girl was a nervous wreck by the day of the wedding. 

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I agree with PPs, tell them you just can't accomodate that many people. Personally I'd make my FI do it because it's his family and I hate confrontations lol

This is a know your crowd thing.    Climb DOES have a problem and her FI needs to tell them NO.

For me, staying in a house with 18 other people leading up to my wedding didn't not bother me.   Like AT ALL.  I wasn't stressed.   I did have some last minute stuff to do, those in the house helped me with that stuff.  It was a non-issue for me.   Our place was basically an open house.  Even those who didn't stay with us were still there.   It was like a revolving door.  

  If anything those coming and going helped me.     At one point I was putting sticker on the candy buffet boxes.   Next thing you know 4 of my mom's friends and my 4 nieces (all staying with me) started slapping on stickers.   One of the men started stacking the boxes.    Before I knew it the project was done while having funny just talking about whatever.

 I guess getting ready was like out the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding.    While I was getting dressed up stairs with 14 people another 8-10 people were downstairs. Maybe because I come from a big family, but  I honestly just never thought about how many people were there.  

Anyway. not everyone is like me.  Climb does NOT want these people and she needs to convey that information.  The sooner the better.  

For some of us having people around was not a negative and actually became a positive.

climbingsingle

I didn't grow up in a big family. We seriously never had house guests when I was growing up. No one ever stayed with us. Like I said in my OP, I do have certain social anxieties and I'm actually prescribed anxiety medication by my doctor. 

I don't have any projects I'll be completing that week that I'll need help with. Everything will be or is already done. So having extra hands around is not something I'm necessarily concerned with. 

Anyway, if FI tells his family he doesn't want them to stay, they are going to know it's coming from me. I don't know if this is a hill I want to die on. His family is wonderful to me and I have great relationships with them. I feel that if I were to ban them from staying with us those days, it would fracture our relationships. Not exactly the way I'd like to start out the weekend, and our marriage. 

As much as it sucks, I think I'm going to have to suck it up. I'm working Wednesday and Thursday, so at least I'll have an escape! 

mysticl

lyndausvi said:

Meh, different strokes for different folks. I come from a large family where it's almost an insult if you do NOT stay with family. I have fond memories of 34 us at staying at my parents house for my first communion in Va (everyone lived in DE). I have fond memories of staying at my aunt's house whenever we came into town. There would be some 12 of us all using 1 shower. They at least had a half-bath. Visiting my parents means there are normally some 14 plus people there. It's just something we do and actually enjoy.

Granted we had a huge house, but 18 people stayed with me the night before and the wedding night. My sister's wedding there were about 15 the night before at my parent's house. About the 19 the night of the wedding.

 Not to be mean, but stop being passive aggressive. Either embrace they are coming or tell them they are not invited.

It's kind of hard to tell people they aren't invited after someone has told them they can come.  DH's sister, brother-in-law, nieces, nephew, and mother were all going on vacation together and we were on the way.  Like only one mile off of their route.  So they decided our town would be a good place to spend the night. MIL calls DH and I hear him telling her about the various hotels in the area.  We didn't have room for 6 guests so staying with us was not an option.  Then I realize that MIL has informed him she will be staying with us while everyone else is in the hotel. When he gets off the phone I told him that it would have been nice to be consulted about her staying.  Mind you this was one month before we were moving so we were using the guest bed to sort clothing on and had books piled all over that room.  He was all "what was I supposed to say?"  Fortunately, she called back within the hour and informed him their plans had changed and they would only be stopping by for a couple of hours, not spending the night. 

lyndausvi

That makes a difference.   We always had house guests.    I've been a house guest.    Having them or being one is what my family does. 

 If my sister and parents didn't let me stay at their homes I would not visit as often.   True fact.  The money I save staying at their houses allows me to buy another plane ticket a year to visit.   

Same goes the other way.  Having a free place to stay allows my family to visit me more.  My sister has 3 kids.   5 tickets to CO cost a lot of money.   They need at least 2 rooms.    Add in car, food.  It becomes expensive.   Now if they stay with me that get to save some money.  Plus it works out well for us.  Someone can go to bed while the rest of the party stays up and socializes.   Hard to do that if you have to drive to a hotel.  My sister and I often wake early and just talk while everyone else stays in bed.   It just works for.

The ability to spend time with family FAR out ways the inconvenience of having house guests for us.  

If you didn't grow up like that and add in a social anxiety it's stressful. 

Good luck.

levioosa

lulu411 said:

I've never understood people wanting/asking to stay with the couple before the wedding. Like you don't have 23724723 other things to deal with. I was a BM in my MOH's wedding this past weekend, and EVERYONE who came to the wedding had to either fly or drive hours out there because MOH's now-husband is in the military and they just got stationed there a year ago, way away from where either of them are from. 2 weeks before the wedding, MOH's H's M, F, B, SIL, and their 3 children flew into town and stayed with them that entire week. They left and got a hotel, and then MOH's M, B, SIL, and THEIR 3 small children came in and stayed with them the entire week of the wedding up until the day before. Girl was a nervous wreck by the day of the wedding. 

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I agree with PPs, tell them you just can't accomodate that many people. Personally I'd make my FI do it because it's his family and I hate confrontations lol

My ex and I once attended a wedding across the country.  We (obviously) knew about it months before and so *months* before I started asking him where he would like to make our accommodations.  I had absolutely no problem booking us a hotel room for a few nights.  His response was that we of course would stay with the bride and groom for our trip.  I was like, "come again?  I'm sure I didn't hear that right."

 I pushed so hard for us to get a hotel room for the one night we didn't have accommodations with his family over there, but no go.  (It was his friend so I didn't have much say in the way of randomly contacting said friend).  It came time for the wedding, we flew over there, and the plan was still to have us stay at his friend's place for the wedding.  You could tell it was a huge inconvenience.  The guy was not only in the process of planning and executing his wedding, but he was moving and he had to go get a key made specifically for us.  Then, the day of the wedding, my ex suddenly decided we didn't need to stay there anymore and told his friend (who had to have someone else go and drop the key under the doormat) that we didn't need a place to stay after all.  We got in a huge fight (I was furious about how poorly planned and how rude the whole situation was), and then he ended up calling another friend in the area and asking them if we could crash for the night (also rude).  Our relationship did drag on for another seven months, but that was seriously an eye opening moment.  I don't know how someone could be so inconsiderate.    

Liatris2010

I think you should just call up the future guests, say you've thought about it more, and with all the stuff leading up to the wedding, house guests are too much, and you're sorry about changing your mind, but they are going to have to find alternate arrangements. It is understandable not to want a bunch of people in a small house the days surrounding a big event, so I think the relatives should be understanding.