Cash Bar at the Rehearsal Dinner?

theycallmelinz

Okay don't maul me, hear me out please. This is not what I want. My FILs are hosting our rehearsal dinner at a pretty nice restaurant chosen by FI and me. The restaurant has a bar, but FILs are not drinkers, and I don't see them shelling out the money to include the bar with dinner. Also, the restaurant is a little pricey so I doubt even if they were willing, if they could afford to include drinks other than the standard soft drinks, tea, coffee, etc. I'm totally fine with moving the dinner some place else more budget friendly, but there's still the issue of would they even pay for the alcohol. Is it totally rude to serve the non-alcoholic stuff and have guests purchase their own alcohol if they want it? FI and I can't afford to pay for the alcohol there or we would, but that isn't an option right now. Thoughts?

MegEn1

Dry bar. You don't have to serve booze.

Maggie0829

MegEn1 said:

Dry bar. You don't have to serve booze.

This.

You don't need to serve alcohol.  I would just see if your FILs could speak with the restaurant about creating menus to denote what is being hosted so that guests know.

lurkergirl

MegEn1 said:

Dry bar. You don't have to serve booze.

I guess I'm wondering OP means it's a restaurant where there will be other diners and a main bar.  So their RD would be at a table in the restaurant or maybe their own room.  If that's the case and you host n/a drinks at your table/room, what's to stop guests from going to the main bar and ordering drinks on their own?  And how does that work with etiquette? 

@lulu411, not sure if this is actually your situation, so feel free to disregard if I'm off base!

banana468

I'd find a new place. In my crowd, alcohol isn't an extra. It's part of the meal. Not offering it is like saying you can't afford the tip. If you can't afford both then you pick somewhere else.

Now you may have a different type of group but I've never attended a celebratory event that was dry.

theycallmelinz

lurkergirl said:

MegEn1 said:

Dry bar. You don't have to serve booze.

I guess I'm wondering OP means it's a restaurant where there will be other diners and a main bar.  So their RD would be at a table in the restaurant or maybe their own room.  If that's the case and you host n/a drinks at your table/room, what's to stop guests from going to the main bar and ordering drinks on their own?  And how does that work with etiquette? 

@lulu411, not sure if this is actually your situation, so feel free to disregard if I'm off base!

Actually your post helped a lot. There is an option for us to have the dinner in a completely separate room that has a private entrance for us so our guests wouldn't even see the bar really. That would work because then I wouldn't feel like they would see other guests drinking in the restaurant and feel like they're being told they can't drink. 

holyguacamole79

I was a BM for a wedding once and the scenario for the RD was EXACTLY as you described it.  The waitstaff took our orders and brought us the wine list.  I think I had 2 glasses of wine (nothing extravagant).  I was still shocked when I was brought a bill at the end of the night.  I wasn't looking to get hammered at the hosts' expense, but I wish I had been subtly informed some way that the wine was not included in the cost of the meal. 

Please don't do this to your bridal party.

ETA:  If your FILs are hosting the RD, and if they insist on having it at this restaurant, find a way to inform the waitstaff of the setup.  So, if I were a BM at your wedding and asked to see the wine list, the server could say "Alcohol is not included in for the evening."  If I still wanted a glass, I could simply say that I would be willing to pay for it myself.  Just don't surprise people at the end (like we were).

lotsosandwiches

sarahbear31 said:

I was a BM for a wedding once and the scenario for the RD was EXACTLY as you described it.  The waitstaff took our orders and brought us the wine list.  I think I had 2 glasses of wine (nothing extravagant).  I was still shocked when I was brought a bill at the end of the night.  I wasn't looking to get hammered at the hosts' expense, but I wish I had been subtly informed some way that the wine was not included in the cost of the meal. 

Please don't do this to your bridal party.

ETA:  If your FILs are hosting the RD, and if they insist on having it at this restaurant, find a way to inform the waitstaff of the setup.  So, if I were a BM at your wedding and asked to see the wine list, the server could say "Alcohol is not included in for the evening."  If I still wanted a glass, I could simply say that I would be willing to pay for it myself.  Just don't surprise people at the end (like we were).

So awkward!!

I was at a similar RD, that was made awkward in the other direction, when the Bride started waving her hands at the start to announce loudly, and multiple times, "I'm not covering your drinks, guys! You want booze, walk to the bar! You have to GET. YOUR. OWN. BOOZE." Then she promptly stood up, walked to the bar, and bought herself a giant margerita.

lyndausvi

banana468 said:

I'd find a new place. In my crowd, alcohol isn't an extra. It's part of the meal. Not offering it is like saying you can't afford the tip. If you can't afford both then you pick somewhere else. Now you may have a different type of group but I've never attended a celebratory event that was dry.

@banana468 and I are long lost cousins, as I have not either.

thisismynickname2

I've actually never had booze hosted for me at an RD, come to think of it.  It was handled more in a quiet way, "Um, hey, pop and stuff is included but alcohol isn't... sorry..."  I wasn't offended at all, these things get expensive and these weddings all included full bars at the receptions. I didn't want to be hung over prior the wedding anyway. 

I think your best bet is to have a menu created. It's nice because it's an added touch: "John and Jane's Rehearsal Dinner!" and clearly spells out what's covered.  I've been at various kinds of parties that did that, some with a certain wine or a certain cocktail included and some with just pop/coffee. 

From the looks of the previous posts, this does seem to be something that varies by crowd.  Again, I think a menu is the best way to communicate dinner expectations. 

theycallmelinz

Alcohol is definitely an inclusion, not an extra, for me and FI and basically everyone that will be in attendance at the RD with the exception of FILs and FI's grandmother. I'm going to talk to FI and see what he thinks about either A) relocating, us paying for the alcohol bc I know FILS can't/won't, C) creating a menu and letting the waitstaff know to tell people who may order alcohol that it isn't included but they may purchase some on their own.

I feel like everyone will be cool with us not having it at the RD because we're having an open bar at the reception, and they know how FI's family is. 

southernbelle0915

It doesn't sound like they've said "No" to alcohol or given you any idea of budget yet. Just have an open conversation with them (or have your FI do it). They might surprise you with wanting to host a full open bar or even a limited bar.

Ask the venue about a limited drink menu before you talk to your FILs. Many venues will let you choose a couple reds, a couple whites and couple beers. They/You print out a special menu of what is offered and guests can order from that limited selection. If FILs say "no" to a full open bar and your venue offers this option, you can present this as an alternative.

sarals24

We had ours at an Italian restaurant, and had a few bottles of red and white on each table (basically it was enough for two glasses of wine per person). When that ran out, if people wanted more they just went to the bar and had another. I think maybe three people did that. The bottles were I think $12 a piece, so it really didn't add that much to the bill, and people could just serve themselves. It worked out really well.

lyndausvi

thisismynickname said:

I've actually never had booze hosted for me at an RD, come to think of it.  It was handled more in a quiet way, "Um, hey, pop and stuff is included but alcohol isn't... sorry..."  I wasn't offended at all, these things get expensive and these weddings all included full bars at the receptions. I didn't want to be hung over prior the wedding anyway.          Weddings and RD are expensive as you want them to be.  There are affordable places where you it's not expensive to have a cash bar.    Many people are able to have a drink or 2 at dinner without experiencing a hangover the next day.  True story.          FWIW - I come from a HUGE drinking family.  Alcohol at every event.   I've been to many RD and people rarely have more than a drink or 2.  They are not frat parties.  People know the next day is a big day.  Give some people credit. 

I think your best bet is to have a menu created. It's nice because it's an added touch: "John and Jane's Rehearsal Dinner!" and clearly spells out what's covered.  I've been at various kinds of parties that did that, some with a certain wine or a certain cocktail included and some with just pop/coffee. 

From the looks of the previous posts, this does seem to be something that varies by crowd.  Again, I think a menu is the best way to communicate dinner expectations. 

*** SIB ***

thisismynickname2

lyndausvi said:

thisismynickname said:

I've actually never had booze hosted for me at an RD, come to think of it.  It was handled more in a quiet way, "Um, hey, pop and stuff is included but alcohol isn't... sorry..."  I wasn't offended at all, these things get expensive and these weddings all included full bars at the receptions. I didn't want to be hung over prior the wedding anyway.          Weddings and RD are expensive as you want them to be.  There are affordable places where you it's not expensive to have a cash bar.    Many people are able to have a drink or 2 at dinner without experiencing a hangover the next day.  True story.          FWIW - I come from a HUGE drinking family.  Alcohol at every event.   I've been to many RD and people rarely have more than a drink or 2.  They are not frat parties.  People know the next day is a big day.  Give some people credit. 

I think your best bet is to have a menu created. It's nice because it's an added touch: "John and Jane's Rehearsal Dinner!" and clearly spells out what's covered.  I've been at various kinds of parties that did that, some with a certain wine or a certain cocktail included and some with just pop/coffee. 

From the looks of the previous posts, this does seem to be something that varies by crowd.  Again, I think a menu is the best way to communicate dinner expectations. 

*** SIB ***

Yes, we're all drinkers too. None of us get too wild. Most of enjoy one or two drinks with dinner. And I still think it's fine not to host booze at a rehearsal. I was only stating it's never been covered in my experience for an RD and that I've been to other dinner parties where it has been hosted. Let's chalk this up to knowing your crowd.

Alikat9614

I think having it I'm a separate room with a separate menu spelling out what is included would work just fine and make it a dry RD. I would love to have a glass of wine or something at our RD, but FI's aunt is hosting it in the basement of the baptist church immediately following the rehearsal, so no booze. She is graciously cooking and paying for all of it... Who am I to complain? The BP and SO will probably head to a bar afterwards for a nightcap in a very informal way (I.e., we're not hosting or paying, except maybe the first round).

peachy13

sarahbear31 said:

I was a BM for a wedding once and the scenario for the RD was EXACTLY as you described it.  The waitstaff took our orders and brought us the wine list.  I think I had 2 glasses of wine (nothing extravagant).  I was still shocked when I was brought a bill at the end of the night.  I wasn't looking to get hammered at the hosts' expense, but I wish I had been subtly informed some way that the wine was not included in the cost of the meal. 

Happened to me recently as well. Here is the exact look I gave the waiter when the bill was dropped in front me after two wines:

hellohkb

What if you paid for any alcohol? My FILs are hosting our rehearsal dinner and if they chose not to pay for drinks, FH and I would just pay for that portion of the check.