I'm not sure where to put this...has anyone ever dealt with cheating?

ShannonLeigh1979

I don't know what to think right now or how to proceed. I found out that my fiance cheated and he confirmed that it was months ago.  I am a pretty open person and believe me, I understand mistakes in judgement.  I want to let this go.  I want to move on.  We have talked about it.  He says it was a mistake.  I want to be able to heal from this and trust him again.  I'm actually not even mad about the sex.  Sex can just be sex.  I am angry as anything about the betrayal.  Has anyone dealt with this and had the relationship survive?

themuffinman16

I have, and the relationship did not survive.  If I were you, I would postpone all plans of getting married, until you figure this out. Maybe, you can regain trust in him.  If not, it is easier to end a relationship than to end a marriage.  As far as if to stay with him or not... that has to be your call. No one can answer this question, that could really help you, because every person and every relationship is different.  Your heart will know, in time, what is best for you. Best luck.  I will keep you in my thoughts.  Giving you internet hugs, right now.

Knottie37373131

I do not think I would be able to handle this.

ShannonLeigh1979

Thanks.  :-( 

doeydo

I'm sorry.  My only suggestion is couples counselling as well as individual counselling for yourself. 

lc07

I have a very close friend who was able to overcome this with couples counseling. Their relationship now is better than ever. I suggest that for you both. I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you all the best.

AddieCake

Have you talked to him about it much? Was it one time? Someone he met once or someone he knows and is in his life? What reason did he give? I know people who have survived infidelity, but it all depends on the situation and the couple's commitment to fixing the root problem and moving forward. It's not as easy as just saying, "Ok, I forgive you."

hellosweetie1015

I have no personal experience of this, but I would struggle very hard with it myself. But - let me tell you a couple of stories.

I have a half brother who is about three years younger than me. My parents had been married for about ten or eleven years when he was conceived, and my mom was pregnant/dealing with my baby brother at the time of the "infraction". She found out, not through my dad but through the other woman, who sent her a letter to my grandmother's house which Mom received on Christmas Eve 1997, I believe is how it went. They are still married, even though their relationship is NOT healthy. At all. They are civil, but have separate bedrooms in our house and have since 2010, when he went to jail for back child support and it came out to everyone. They will have their 26th anniversary this year, although there are days that I'm surprised one or the other hasn't already filed for divorce, and I am 97% sure they are never going to be "happily married" again. 

My grandmother and I were discussing this a few weeks ago, and how the ensuing poor relationship was a big consideration for me when FI and I started talking about moving in with my parents. In the course of this conversation, I discovered that my grandfather "stepped out" on my grandmother about a month into their marriage. However, the difference is that my grandfather came to my grandmother after it happened, apologized, and "begged for her forgiveness". She did, and they were happily married (according to her) until he passed away in 2005. 

I think the difference is that my mother found out from Her, where my grandmother found out from him. The trust was damaged in both places, but I think it was easier (somewhat) for my grandmother to recover.

I'm not presuming that I understand or can help with your situation, but those are the perspectives I have to offer. I hope they help, and I am so so sorry that you're having to deal with it. I definitely agree with PPs; I would consider pushing back the wedding and giving it some time to see if you can get past it. 

Good luck.

ShannonLeigh1979

AddieCake said:

Have you talked to him about it much? Was it one time? Someone he met once or someone he knows and is in his life? What reason did he give? I know people who have survived infidelity, but it all depends on the situation and the couple's commitment to fixing the root problem and moving forward. It's not as easy as just saying, "Ok, I forgive you."

It was one time, but likely would have happened again if I hadn't have caught him.  It's someone near here who he knows from high school. He says it had nothing to do with me or loving me or getting what he needs for me.  He's got a VERY messed up past and these things tend to pop up in his life and he pretty much goes into crisis.  

ShannonLeigh1979

CaitTDid23 said:

I have no personal experience of this, but I would struggle very hard with it myself. But - let me tell you a couple of stories.

I have a half brother who is about three years younger than me. My parents had been married for about ten or eleven years when he was conceived, and my mom was pregnant/dealing with my baby brother at the time of the "infraction". She found out, not through my dad but through the other woman, who sent her a letter to my grandmother's house which Mom received on Christmas Eve 1997, I believe is how it went. They are still married, even though their relationship is NOT healthy. At all. They are civil, but have separate bedrooms in our house and have since 2010, when he went to jail for back child support and it came out to everyone. They will have their 26th anniversary this year, although there are days that I'm surprised one or the other hasn't already filed for divorce, and I am 97% sure they are never going to be "happily married" again. 

My grandmother and I were discussing this a few weeks ago, and how the ensuing poor relationship was a big consideration for me when FI and I started talking about moving in with my parents. In the course of this conversation, I discovered that my grandfather "stepped out" on my grandmother about a month into their marriage. However, the difference is that my grandfather came to my grandmother after it happened, apologized, and "begged for her forgiveness". She did, and they were happily married (according to her) until he passed away in 2005. 

I think the difference is that my mother found out from Her, where my grandmother found out from him. The trust was damaged in both places, but I think it was easier (somewhat) for my grandmother to recover.

I'm not presuming that I understand or can help with your situation, but those are the perspectives I have to offer. I hope they help, and I am so so sorry that you're having to deal with it. I definitely agree with PPs; I would consider pushing back the wedding and giving it some time to see if you can get past it. 

Good luck.

Thank you for your insight.  I guess I look at it as...if I can't force myself to leave...it's worth trying to salvage.  Wedding planning is on hold for right now until we can figure it out.

doeydo

ShannonLeigh1979 said:

AddieCake said:

Have you talked to him about it much? Was it one time? Someone he met once or someone he knows and is in his life? What reason did he give? I know people who have survived infidelity, but it all depends on the situation and the couple's commitment to fixing the root problem and moving forward. It's not as easy as just saying, "Ok, I forgive you."

It was one time, but likely would have happened again if I hadn't have caught him.  It's someone near here who he knows from high school. He says it had nothing to do with me or loving me or getting what he needs for me.  He's got a VERY messed up past and these things tend to pop up in his life and he pretty much goes into crisis.  

Then he needs to learn what to do during times of stress and as things come up in life.  Fucking someone is not a good "solution".  Again, I reccomend counselling.

LDay2014

I have.

FI cheated on me a few years back.  When he told me, I was devastated and I told him that I could not promise that we would make it through but that he needed to be willing to sit back and let me process at my own pace.  There were some mitigating circumstances that lead to it but what was important was

• he owned up to it right away.  I didn't have to 'find out' he sat me down and told me
  
• we discussed and he followed through with a course of counselling - after each session he would come home and we would discuss (at his readiness) the things he was discovering about him, me, and us.  
  
• I only asked questions I was ready to hear the answers to, and he answered them honestly and was completely forthcoming

He allowed me my time to grieve, my time to process and was truly sincere in his actions following.  He was completely transparent with every aspect of his life and it was of utmost importance to him that he not pressure me.

I cannot stress to you how vital it was that he saw a psychotherapist.  He had (and still has) issues that he struggles with but he`s learning how to work through them himself and with me.  

No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes in life but it`s important how the aftermath is handled.

Hope that helps a little bit

holyguacamole79

My (now ex) boyfriend cheated on me 4 years ago. We had been talking marriage, and I was heartbroken. He confessed to me about it and claimed that it was a one night stand with a woman he met at a bar. At first I was willing to work through things and be open to a possible reconciliation. The best advice I got was from our priest. He said to let myself feel the emotions and not make any decisions while I was upset. We ended up breaking up, though. It wasn't as much about the sexual infidelity, but there were other issues there. There had been red flags in the relationship that I chose to ignore. I definitely suggest counseling. I am sorry this happened to you. I know the pain.

CMGragain

When someone cheats in a committed relationship, it isn't the about the partner.  It is about themselves and their own insecurities or lack of commitment.  If someone cannot be faithful to you now, how will you be able to trust him in a marriage?
Sorry.  Dump him and find someone who wants to commit to you.

misshart00

I think cheating can be worked through depending on the circumstances. But it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of counseling. The fact that he only stopped because you busted him is what scares me. It's up to you if you want to continue with him. I don't think there is necessarily a right or wrong answer.

ShannonLeigh1979

LDay2014 said:

I have.

FI cheated on me a few years back.  When he told me, I was devastated and I told him that I could not promise that we would make it through but that he needed to be willing to sit back and let me process at my own pace.  There were some mitigating circumstances that lead to it but what was important was

• he owned up to it right away.  I didn't have to 'find out' he sat me down and told me
  
• we discussed and he followed through with a course of counselling - after each session he would come home and we would discuss (at his readiness) the things he was discovering about him, me, and us.  
  
• I only asked questions I was ready to hear the answers to, and he answered them honestly and was completely forthcoming

He allowed me my time to grieve, my time to process and was truly sincere in his actions following.  He was completely transparent with every aspect of his life and it was of utmost importance to him that he not pressure me.

I cannot stress to you how vital it was that he saw a psychotherapist.  He had (and still has) issues that he struggles with but he`s learning how to work through them himself and with me.  

No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes in life but it`s important how the aftermath is handled.

Hope that helps a little bit

Thank you.  That helps a ton.  We have so much stress on us right now with a lot of things.  I told him we need to face things together.  Even if it is an US AGAINST THE WORLD standpoint.

ShannonLeigh1979

Thank you everyone! HE brought it up again today (which is HUGE for him).  We had a long discussion about it...and about needs and wants.  I told him I don't want him to change who he is and how he feels about sex for me...but that I also can't live with the way he looks at sex and monogamy (or lack thereof).  Pretty much a "If you need to be able to sleep with other people without my consent, I can't continue on with this." speech from me.  He said he knew...he thought all night about what he wants and what he needs.  He said most humans "want" to have variety...which I don't disagree with.  I am also under the belief that not all humans (or humans in general) are meant to be monogamous.  However, I'd be willing to take that on a case by case consensual basis where there is no betrayal.  I am aware that not everyone will agree with that statement.  He said he NEEDS me and if that means giving up a want...that is what his choice is.  So, there is a jumping off point for healing this.

lc07

ShannonLeigh1979 said:

Thank you everyone! HE brought it up again today (which is HUGE for him).  We had a long discussion about it...and about needs and wants.  I told him I don't want him to change who he is and how he feels about sex for me...but that I also can't live with the way he looks at sex and monogamy (or lack thereof).  Pretty much a "If you need to be able to sleep with other people without my consent, I can't continue on with this." speech from me.  He said he knew...he thought all night about what he wants and what he needs.  He said most humans "want" to have variety...which I don't disagree with.  I am also under the belief that not all humans (or humans in general) are meant to be monogamous.  However, I'd be willing to take that on a case by case consensual basis where there is no betrayal.  I am aware that not everyone will agree with that statement.  He said he NEEDS me and if that means giving up a want...that is what his choice is.  So, there is a jumping off point for healing this.

I still suggest counseling. He should want you, not need you. What if he doesn't feel like he needs you any more? (Frankly, I don't need anyone in particular.) Then will he go back to his want? This follow up post brings up more red flags IMO. Not saying it isn't fixable, just saying you guys should really get professional help with this.

theycallmelinz

Please please please get counseling. Trust me, I'm a marriage and family therapist and couples therapy can do really good things. I agree with lc07 about red flags. Open or "non-monagamous" relationships can work for the right people, but I think you guys need some professional help navigating this. Best of luck!

beethery

ShannonLeigh1979 said:

Thank you everyone! HE brought it up again today (which is HUGE for him).  We had a long discussion about it...and about needs and wants.  I told him I don't want him to change who he is and how he feels about sex for me...but that I also can't live with the way he looks at sex and monogamy (or lack thereof).  Pretty much a "If you need to be able to sleep with other people without my consent, I can't continue on with this." speech from me.  He said he knew...he thought all night about what he wants and what he needs.  He said most humans "want" to have variety...which I don't disagree with.  I am also under the belief that not all humans (or humans in general) are meant to be monogamous.  However, I'd be willing to take that on a case by case consensual basis where there is no betrayal.  I am aware that not everyone will agree with that statement.  He said he NEEDS me and if that means giving up a want...that is what his choice is.  So, there is a jumping off point for healing this.

This is a shady ass reach from someone who is trying to make excuses for himself. I've heard that line a whoooooole bunch of times. For me, if a dude needed more variety than my freak ass, then he didn't need to waste my time anymore, the world was open for him to hit it with who-fucking-ever because worrying about me wasn't going to be a problem for him anymore.

Please go to counseling if you are considering staying with him.

theartistformerlyknownas

Yeah I'm not buying the excuse. If he really felt humans weren't meant to be monogamous and he needed meaningless sex with other people, it would have come up before he got engaged to you. Sounds like he's reaching for sure. Don't be so quick to accept that.

beethery

Furthermore, sex with a side piece/random/etc is not a solution to whatever problems his past has presented him.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

The decision is up to you if you choose to pursue this.  If you pursue it, counselling together and separately can guide you.

I have no experience with this personally, but my friends have and their relationships didn't survive.  I have the mentality of "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

I overheard my old boss talking to someone on her phone in her office one day:

"Once the trust is gone with me, you can't get it back.  I am trusting, but only until you cross the line.  Then it's over."

She was talking about a project, but it applies to relationships as well.  I'm glad your man is open to these convos, but the trust is gone and needs to be rebuilt.  Proceed with caution. 

ETF: Holy hell you can tell I've been drinking.  Fixed typos....I hope.

hellosweetie1015

Yeah... FI knows that I will try ANYTHING once, and most things twice. Variety is not lacking for us. I'd say our ... frequency is lower than I'd really like, but atm it's hard to get a chance, between our opposing schedules and the time we get with an empty house. Good practice for having kids, I guess!

If it's variety of a different kind he's after AND you are TOTALLY, 100% NO QUESTION okay with him pursuing a little "variety", I think that's fine - as long as you are AWARE and COMFORTABLE with it, and I would go so far as to say you were 100% comfortable with the other person as well. If he's sneaking around, it's not fine by any means, and that should be ABSOLUTELY made 100% clear to him.

I try not to suggest counseling for every little thing, because I think it gets oversuggested here (it seems like everyone needs counseling, haha, which - sometimes, sadly, counseling doesn't help everyone) but I definitely think that some time spent with a marriage and family counselor, and possibly individual counseling for each of you separate from the other, might be a good road after reading your last follow-up. 

I really hope that you can work through this, but it sounds to me that maybe your FI has some thinking to do about whether his "extra-pre-marital" excursions are worth the damage it has already done and the damage it will continue to do to you, the person with whom he sees the best future with. And maybe you have some thinking to do about whether his choices are ones you're willing and able to overlook.

Hugs.

ShannonLeigh1979

Thank you for all of your replies. I am just trying to get some idea of how things worked out for people. Counseling likely won't happen. We've both done it before and it was not a good experience for either of us. We've known each other since we were kids. If he and I can't work it out between us...it won't work. If we can...great! I really do appreciate the time you are all taking to reply.

theartistformerlyknownas

Nobody I'm close with has been cheated on and worked it out. Sorry.

hellosweetie1015

ShannonLeigh1979 said:

Thank you for all of your replies. I am just trying to get some idea of how things worked out for people. Counseling likely won't happen. We've both done it before and it was not a good experience for either of us. We've known each other since we were kids. If he and I can't work it out between us...it won't work. If we can...great! I really do appreciate the time you are all taking to reply.

Some people don't have good experiences with it. Maybe look online at some tips for rebuilding trust when it's been violated, for both of you - you, how to help yourself move forward in whichever direction you choose to go, and him, to help him earn it back and find ways to keep it.

Getting ideas is all well and good, but honestly, whatever we say is just that: what WE say. What matters in the end is what YOU feel, and what feels right to you. If you think you can rebuild after this, then go for it. If you think it would damage the relationship permanently, that's your choice as well. I myself know that I would not be able to rebuild, but - again - that's ME, knowing myself and my level of insecurity and my history. 

Good luck. I hope you can work it out. Keep us posted!

ShannonLeigh1979

CaitTDid23 said:

ShannonLeigh1979 said:

Thank you for all of your replies. I am just trying to get some idea of how things worked out for people. Counseling likely won't happen. We've both done it before and it was not a good experience for either of us. We've known each other since we were kids. If he and I can't work it out between us...it won't work. If we can...great! I really do appreciate the time you are all taking to reply.

Some people don't have good experiences with it. Maybe look online at some tips for rebuilding trust when it's been violated, for both of you - you, how to help yourself move forward in whichever direction you choose to go, and him, to help him earn it back and find ways to keep it.

Getting ideas is all well and good, but honestly, whatever we say is just that: what WE say. What matters in the end is what YOU feel, and what feels right to you. If you think you can rebuild after this, then go for it. If you think it would damage the relationship permanently, that's your choice as well. I myself know that I would not be able to rebuild, but - again - that's ME, knowing myself and my level of insecurity and my history. 

Good luck. I hope you can work it out. Keep us posted!

Thank you again.  ANYONE else...ANYONE...I would have walked.  I am mad.  I am hurt...but I love him and I have loved him...in some capacities or another since we were 14/15.  We were close friends.  We dated. We broke up.  We went back to being friends...we lost touch for 17 years and I NEVER stopped thinking about him.  We have so much history...I'm not ready to give that up.  

holyguacamole79

He claims that humans want variety (assuming that includes him). If that's the case, It sounds like he doesn't want a marriage. I can totally appreciate not wanting to give up on history. Really, I do. This is gonna be hard from how you're describing it. Good luck.

ShannonLeigh1979

I'm not expecting it to be easy.  I guess my thought is, if we can make it through this, we're golden.   If I give up, I am always going to wonder if we should have tried harder.

lc07

There are lots of different types of couples counseling. Perhaps try a style you haven't already. If neither of you are interested in trying therapy again, I sincerely wish you all the best.