frustrated with figuring out my new family.

themuffinman16

Ok, so I struggle with this all of the time.Do people like me, or do they hate me?  I know I have hangups with being liked and making everyone happy. I have been wrong several times, but I just can't shake the feeling that in-laws don't like me.  I wanted to make a cake for my sis-in-law's birthday. I have asked every day if they want to have the birthday cake at Dad-in-law's house. No answer.  Whenever I text or call DH's family... they NEVER answer me. I mean NEVER. It is so frustrating to plan things. They will answer H, but never answer me.

   I talked to the birthday girl and she said she would like me to make the cake I had in mind for her.  It is an apple bundt cake with cinnamon cream cheese frosting. I asked everyone else in a group text if that was okay and NO ANSWER.  I was getting really fed up.  At this time, DH's older brother started a group text and everyone answered him about having impromptu dinner, tonight. I told DH that I feel like I am invisible, because EVERY time I call or text, NO ONE ever answers me. But it was extremely hurtful to have another group text with his family member going at the same time, and they were all ignoring me.  If it were this once, I would brush it off, but it is every time.  I have all of their phone numbers correctly.  H had to send out a separate group text to ask everyone to answer me because I was at the grocery store, and I needed to know.  They all start answering, so I know that they got the message. But for whatever reason, they ignore all messages or calls from me.

   Is this just typical muffinman insecurity, or would you think something was up?

*edited because I keep forgetting he is my husband. Lol

Knottie37373131

I think it would bother me too. I mean the least they can do is shoot a text back. I understand that people are busy and they might not get it right away, but if they are replying to your husband right away they are obviously not busy. They should accept you as part of the family. That is a really hard situation to be in. I am not sure how I would go about it.

AddieCake

I would think something was up, and I would be incredibly hurt. I would probably also stop bothering to try and tell your husband you'd prefer to limit even having to be around them if they treat you so poorly. Internet hugs to you!

themuffinman16

Thank you.  H always tells me it is nothing, and I feel like I just had proof that it is definitely something when both our phones are going of in a group text and it was in response to only FI's brother. I just won't put myself out there anymore.  I know plenty of people that would like me to make them a cake, and would respond immediately if I wanted to do something nice for them.

  Now, who wants cake? lol

AddieCake

You know I want cake. As for the SIL's cake, make what she asked for. If anyone complains, tell them they had their chance to chime in and never responded, so so sad, too bad. I'm pissed for you about this.

AddieCake

Oh, wait. They answered your husband, so you won't get that chance, I guess. But let this be the last time you make any effort toward them. Your husband can contact them for everything since he sees it as nothing.

Knottie37373131

I love cake. I just bought myself a 6 pack of cupcakes this morning. . . and I already ate two of them. It would really bother me if my Fiance did not see a problem. You two are best friends and he should at the very least understand how you are feeling. If my family treated Fiance that way I would be upset and likely pull away from my family.

themuffinman16

He is throwing a temper tantrum about it.  He said, "Fine, I guess we shouldn't hang out with them, either day."  He acts like I don't want to hang out with them, and he argues the ridiculous, as if that is my point.  My point is that I would like to be treated as a family member.  He tells me all of the time, that I need to make an effort, and they won't just reach out to me.  I proved to him, today that I ALWAYS make the effort, and it is like talking to a fish tank.

  Every time our phones were receiving alerts from the group text that was the one his brother created, I was getting more and more pissed.  he always tells me people don't have their phones on them all of the time, and that's why no one gets back to me.  I am just sick of the excuses for their rudeness. If they want to treat me like a stranger, I will act like a stranger.

AddieCake

I am so sorry. Does he usually have your back, or is this his usual MO?

themuffinman16

I would say he is half and half. Sometimes H can be adversarial, just to disagree with me. If my family does something to offend someone, I am the FIRST person to tell them that it isn't right. I don't defend people just because i am related to them. That only leads to more tension, instead of solving the problem. H can be pretty cowardly when dealing with his family. I had that one problem with his cousin, and it festered for YEARS. H never wanted to say anything to her. And it turned out, she had a drinking problem long ago and has since cleaned up her act, and was extremely apologetic. H never took my side on that one. He acts like his family is saintly, or I am just overly critical. I have real problems and the solutions aren't difficult... as long as they are addressed.

IrishPirate60

Beyond the current situation, I'd stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, including getting everyone else's opinion on the flavor of cake your sister-in-law requested. No group texts. Keep it to the person you need information from. Let the rest go. Work at the individual relationships rather than the whole fam-damily.