Wedding Party

MOH overly sensitive post

edited August 2014 in Wedding Party
Answer is yes, too sensitive.  No need to have any more replies.  :-)

Re: MOH overly sensitive post

  • My question is whether I should just get over it. 

    I'm working class (and proud of it!) but not wealthy.  The bride, a family member, had 5 bridesmaids, only 1 of which who minimally helped with anything, so I did the work of all 5 (save the dates, invitations, planning, shopping, paying for things, you name it, I did it.)

    The bridesmaids didn’t do the bridal shower, so I did it.  It cost me quite a bit, but I did it lovingly.  It was a HUGE success, super-fab, great fun for all.

    She didn't have a dress, so I paid for half of a designer dress, (she has to pay me back for the other half, I couldn’t empty my whole bank account for her), but I did pay for all the fabric and alternations for a custom train.  It turned out perfect, fabulous, amazing.  It really was beautiful, and I was so happy to have designed it with her.

    After save the dates went out, the super exclusive amazing (famous) venue where they were to be married put up some crazy roadblocks, and gave us something like a 48 hour deadline to fix it, so I took a vacation from work, did what it took to fix it, no problem.  I love her so I did it.

    The mother of the bride and the mother of the groom did amazing and wonderful things for the rehearsal dinner and the reception, they are truly wonderful, fabulous women who gave much and made sure the couple had an amazing experience.  They were publicly thanked profusely and publicly, repeatedly, and deserved every word, plus more, because of their generosity and how wonderful they were and are to the couple. 

    So here’s where I’m wondering if I’m being too sensitive:  The day of the wedding there was a huge mix up and I was excluded from getting ready with the rest of the bridal party.  No big deal, mix ups happen, when I asked the horrible excuse of a wedding planner what happened, she told me I wasn’t invited.  So I asked the bride later (not on the wedding day of course) and she told me the wedding planner is a liar (which I believe, the wedding planner screwed up so much, I can’t even tell you) so I love the bride, I believe her, no problem.  But deep down, it really hurt me to be excluded.  But that I can get over. 

    So I thought at the reception maybe things would be better, maybe someone would say even something like super quick like “And thank you to [my name] for arranging us to get married at [amazing venue]” or whatever, something, anything.  But nothing. 

    So I thought, ok, that happens, matron of honor is not necessarily honored in the speeches.  Because I’m older I wore the same color dress as the mothers per the bride’s request.  But as the matron of honor, wouldn’t I be in the photos with the wedding party?  At one point the entire bridal party was gathered and the formal photos were being taken, and I thought they called me over, and when I got over there I just stood there like an idiot and eventually walked away, kind of embarrassed, because it looked like I was trying to horn in, when I thought they called me over, i thought I was part of it…but apparently not, right?  She did have me take pictures with some of the girls before the after party, but not in our formal gowns, and I was excluded from the “couple with family” photos and the bridal party photos.  It was just so odd.

    Without me, and this is no exaggeration, without me, there would not have been the wedding at the amazing venue because I saved it.  And without me she would not have worn the dress that everyone is still talking about.  And this is the thing that really hurt my feelings, not because it’s a big thing, but because I heard it with my own ears, it CANNOT be a misunderstanding, I heard it, and the significance is that it illustrates just how little the bride really cares for me.  (in other words, I WAS used.)  This is what happened:  I was with the girls getting ready for the after party.  I asked the bride, in advance, if the stylist could do my hair as well, and she said it would cost $100.  So I said not to schedule me, that seemed like too much for a style.  But when I was there, and I heard this with my own ears, one of the bridesmaids came without her hair done, and as I was standing in the hallway looking through my bag for something, I heard the bride say to her “Let’s get your hair done” to the bridesmaid who didn’t have hair done, bridesmaid replied “How much does she charge?” bride replied “Don’t worry about it, [husband] is paying for it.” WH-WH-WHAT?

    So husband can pay for everyone else’s hair for the after party, and I get charged $100?  After I put out thousands?  After writing this out, I realize I really am stupid aren’t I?  (And the funny thing is, I am an absolute shark in my professional life, I just have weakness and PTSD for my family…I’m going to have to toughen up and stop giving to family, right?)

    Or am I being over sensitive?  Tell me what you really think, I can take it.  Thank you!


    I'm confused ... Were you the MOH? If so, I would definitely be confused by not being in the formal wedding photos and not getting ready before the wedding. Technically, none of the other bridesmaids had any responsibility to help you with any of those tasks. The statement that you did the work for 5 people sounds a bit like you're trying to be a martyr. None of my bridesmaids hosted any of my showers, nor did I expect them to. Regardless, from what you said, you offered to do these things. That was very kind of you to host the shower, handle arrangements for the venue, and help with the dress. These were all things that, based on what you said, you offered to do. These sorts of favors should be done without expecting anything in return. I get it, though. I hosted a bachelorette party for a friend and never even got a thank you note for the gift. I don't hold it against her; I did it because I wanted to help her celebrate. It sounds like you're keeping score here, and you need to stop doing that. I don't think that the bride really needed to publicly thank you during the toast. If someone had done all that for me, I would write a thank-you note and probably purchase a gift of appreciation. That's just me , though.
  • Thanks, Sarah Bear, that helps!  I thought maybe I was being too sensitive.  I thought all the bridesmaids helped, I didn't realize the matron of honor did everything all by herself.  That's a terrible job, and expensive!  I should have just been a bridesmaid, all the fun and no work.  That's what I'll do next time.  Thanks!
  • Thanks, Sarah Bear, that helps!  I thought maybe I was being too sensitive.  I thought all the bridesmaids helped, I didn't realize the matron of honor did everything all by herself.  That's a terrible job, and expensive!  I should have just been a bridesmaid, all the fun and no work.  That's what I'll do next time.  Thanks!
    Technically the MOH isn't required to host showers, either. The things you did were generous, but definitely not required.
  • I guess after all I did for her the fact that she was going to charge me for getting my hair done when she treated everyone else hurt my feelings.  But like I said, I'm working class and not used to these high society type of affairs, so I thought since she was treating everyone else I would be included.  Now I know better.  Never again.
  • I guess after all I did for her the fact that she was going to charge me for getting my hair done when she treated everyone else hurt my feelings.  But like I said, I'm working class and not used to these high society type of affairs, so I thought since she was treating everyone else I would be included.  Now I know better.  Never again.

    You should have done those things because you wanted to and not expect anything in return. I can appreciated feeling slighted by the hair styling, but you shouldn't expect special treatment because you did all these things for her .
  • Deleting your post is very rude. Not to mention pointless bc you were quoted and the "closed" title will only draw more traffic.


    OP, I think you're missing Sarah's point. Neither the MOH nor BMs have "duties" besides showing up on time in the dress. It was nice of you to offer those things but not a requirement. And yes, it would have been appropriate of the bride to at least give you a card or gift to thank you.


    But yes, it would absolutely hurt my feelings to be excluded from the bridal party pictures as the MOH. Hopefully the hair thing was a miscommunication-- maybe the groom only decided to pay for hair at the last minute? Either way, the only thing you can do now is let it go, and next time, maybe don't over-extend yourself offering things you don't really feel comfortable giving without reciprocation.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • I'm sorry, JC, I am new here, I didn't realize it was rude. I thought it would be better to just let it go since the response has been so clear. As a newbie, I didn't know the etiquette. I apologize, I will just delete my entire account off the knot and leave the answering of these questions to the experts.
  • I wish I had you for my bridesmaid!!! You are amazing.
  • Thank you for stating that, it's SO NICE to receive a sentiment of appreciation. <3

  • next time, maybe don't over-extend yourself offering things you don't really feel comfortable giving without reciprocation.
    Just for clarification, I wasn't looking for reciprocation.  I was expecting an expression of appreciation and not to be excluded from the photographs or key events.
  • The deciding factor of my annoyance would be thank you notes. After planning the shower did you receive a thank you note from the bride? Anything after the wedding that mentions she appreciated your help? You seem like a good friend with good intentions. I agree that what you did was not required and I don't think I would expect to be publicly thanked, but I would expect for my friend to at least acknowledge to me that she appreciated it and was happy to have me there with her as part of her big day. 

    The odd thing to me is getting ready and the photos. If it was a mix up how could you completely miss these things?? If 5 minutes into getting ready I was missing a member of my wedding party I would have someone calling them to see where they are. I've never heard of the Matron of Honor not being in the pictures, that would really hurt me, although it could have been something innocent enough...if the bride was young and as stated you are a family member, maybe she just thought she had to nominate someone as a Matron of Honor but didn't really consider you as the wedding party which was full of her friends. Now I'm just speculating but sometimes people can be really clueless. You know the situation though better to know if it was a young clueless bride or truly a snub.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • This has nothing to do with social class. At all. Idk what this bride was thinking (making you dress like the moms?) and clearly at some point your expectations and hers widely diverged, but I don't see a class issue. It may be that she viewed you as less of a friend and more of an older auntie-type person and was comfortable letting you be involved in throwing the parties and trouble shooting but didn't really consider you as one of the girls when it came to getting ready/photos/etc. still really rude, but nothing to do with how fancy the event was.
  • feelingused, I wish I could give you a hug! You are absolutely correct that you were treated shabbily. Now that you know these people for who they are, you can act accordingly with them. Don't think that being working-class is anything bad. Most of us are!
  • MGPMGP member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I am confused as to why you took on so much responsibility, especially the financial aspect. People have different views of what is "high society" so putting that aside it sounds like you over invested into this wedding. I do feel bad for you with how you were treated, however at any point you could have said enough is enough. You are never under any obligation to put yourself into financial or emotional debt, especially as trivial as someone else's wedding.
  • I am confused as to why you took on so much responsibility, especially the financial aspect.

    I didn't mind helping out. I minded being excluded from bridesmaid events (unless I was hosting the event) and being treated at the wedding like I was just a regular guest.  I thought the matron of honor was a bridesmaid. 

    My question for the forum was whether I was being too sensitive about not being in the photos, being excluded, and being told I would have to pay to have my hair done yet the bride treated the other girls. The consensus seems to be while I was treated shabbily, I am too sensitive, that since I was not obligated to help as much as I did, that I should not have expected any special treatment.  Although I don't think it is special treatment to be treated like the other bridesmaids, I accept that the opinion of the forum is what it is.

    The consensus is also that I should have received a thank you. The wedding was in May, so I do agree with that.

    I was the one who asked, and the forum answered. And it really does help me understand how women interact with each other because I work in a male dominated industry and have very few female friends. I'd never been involved with anything so grand or spectacular and when my help was requested, I jumped in with both feet. I know I could have said no. Looking back on it, I realize I gave so much of myself because I wanted to be a part of it, and I was really excited about it.  I wanted to be included, and I was hurt when I was excluded. 

    But I get it, I'm too sensitive, i need to get over it, the forum has been clear.

    And I really do appreciate this learning experience. I learned a lot.

  • lc07lc07 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I don't think you're being too sensitive. 

    Even if we pared your post down and took out all you did for the bride and simply left the fact that you were excluded from getting ready, excluded from photos, told to wear something different because of your age, I would be very upset.

    Have you had a conversation with the bride explaining how you feel?
  • I agree with everyone else that being working class is irrelevant. However, on that note, I am confused- Since you mention a discrepancy that you are the working class  one, then this implies the bride is from a higher class, right?  Or did I miss something? If that is the case, why were you the one fronting the expense, as opposed to the bride herself? 

    My other question is the MOH is usually (but not in all cases, sometimes all the wedding party sits down) the one standing closest to the bride as she gets married. Were you standing right next to her when she got married? Or were all the other bridesmaids standing by her while you sat next to the mothers? That to me would signal like others stated already that you were viewed more as an honored aunt, etc. How big is the age difference, if you don't mind me asking? That may also shed some light. 
  • ummmm NO. you are not being too sensitive. I would be pissed. I would never exclude a bridesmaid (the Matron of Honor IMO is the highest honor, you don't give that title to someone you don't care for). I didn't realize until i was in a wedding recently and started planning my own that most of the time bridesmaids are expected to handle wedding showers/bachelorette parties. it does put a strain on your finances so i cant even imagine putting out as much as you did. The bride sounds like a real bitch. my feelings would be extremely hurt. especially being asked to wear a different dress, be excluded from pics, and the hair thing. you have been treated very unfairly. people are right when they say all you should have to do is buy a dress and show up but depending on the bride - these days people expect a lot more and you went above and beyond. she should be thanking you profusely. i can't imagine having someone help so much and take so much stress off of me. she sounds unappreciative. you are not wrong to think you deserve a thank you and at the very minimum to just be included. i can't believe the comments replying that you are at fault and shouldn't have over extended yourself. unless i knew they had PLENTY of money i could never let a bridesmaid pay for my dress. I would confront her.
  • ummmm NO. you are not being too sensitive. I would be pissed. I would never exclude a bridesmaid (the Matron of Honor IMO is the highest honor, you don't give that title to someone you don't care for). I didn't realize until i was in a wedding recently and started planning my own that most of the time bridesmaids are expected to handle wedding showers/bachelorette parties. it does put a strain on your finances so i cant even imagine putting out as much as you did. The bride sounds like a real bitch. my feelings would be extremely hurt. especially being asked to wear a different dress, be excluded from pics, and the hair thing. you have been treated very unfairly. people are right when they say all you should have to do is buy a dress and show up but depending on the bride - these days people expect a lot more and you went above and beyond. she should be thanking you profusely. i can't imagine having someone help so much and take so much stress off of me. she sounds unappreciative. you are not wrong to think you deserve a thank you and at the very minimum to just be included. i can't believe the comments replying that you are at fault and shouldn't have over extended yourself. unless i knew they had PLENTY of money i could never let a bridesmaid pay for my dress. I would confront her.
    She could confront her about being left out of pictures, asked to wear a different dress, being left out of getting ready, etc. Definitely. I'd be pissed about those things too. Personally, I'd probably not confront the bride and just cut ties with her, but that's my style. If the OP would feel closure telling the bride she was hurt by these things, fine.

    However... she shouldn't confront her about things that were HER choice - offering to pay for the bride's dress, offering to book the venue, offering to pay for this/that, offering to do this, offering to do that, etc. Those are all things she CHOSE to do. 

    So I agree with you in part, but if you OFFER to do something, you can't get mad when someone takes you up on it. If someone ASKS you do something shitty or treats you differently than other BMs, then yea, I agree she has a right to be pissed. That's where I see the difference here.
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